The Package. A Genuinely awful Netflix movie.

"It looks like you drank a glass of Ed Sheeran's pubes."

I've seen a lot of bad movies in my time. Z-list action movies starring Olivier Gruner, Billy Blanks and none other than Jalal Merhi aka Beirut's Steven Seagal. Jess Franco jungle horror movies where the monsters have cut in half ping pong balls for eyes. The ghastly Sex Lives Of The Potato Men and and of course last year's Baywatch but the other day I watched quite possibly the worst film I've ever seen. The Package. A Netflix original movie. The next time I hear someone say they've seen the worst film ever I'm going to make them watch this one.

Sean, Jeremy and Donnie are three friends heading off on a camping trip. Jeremy's sister Becky and her friend Sarah tag along after much whining from Jeremy who wants a "Bro's only trip". Beer is drank and weed is smoked and in a stunning display of stupidity, Jeremy cuts his penis off while messing around with a butterfly knife. The gang must band together to ensure it gets reattached to him within the 12 hr period it remains viable.

"Do you smell that? We don't sell blue cheese in the cafeteria. That's your hole."

That's it. That's the plot. Save the cock. It's just as awful as it sounds. Everyone loves a dick joke but an entire movie that's a dick joke? Good jesus no. It's mean spirited, lazy, disgusting, childish, homophobic, embarrassing and to top it off it's full of hateful people too. Had more time been spent on developing likable characters then maybe it might....might have had a chance but nope, 5 shitebags rule the roost and you'd happily watch each of them burn. Sean, the lead, is a nasty piece of work capable of elbowing nurses in the face, sabotaging relationships and threatening 11 year old children with bloodied severed appendages. Jeremy's best moments come when he is slowly bleeding to death. No, he doesn't say anything funny, it's just good to see him bleeding to death. Jeremy's sister Becky is the only person in the film that's believable as an actual human and even then she's an asshole too. She's played by Geraldine Viswanathan who starred in the genuinely funny and lovely Blockers earlier this year and hopefully this massive misstep wont put too big of a dent in her career. The others though, i'd gladly never see them pollute a screen again.

That look of realisation that you've murdered your budding career

"We're going deep into mother nature's puss, all the way past the ovaries "

I hated everything about this. It's rare when a film makes you feel this bad about yourself. There's a minute when you find yourself thinking "This can't be real, this film can't have been made. Who made this shit, where is he so I can slap him?" It was so astoundingly awful that I was glued to it. It's like passing a bad accident. You hate yourself for looking but you can't help it. Just look at that dialogue highlighted throughout. That very first sentence lets you know in the first 30 seconds of the movie what it's going to be like. It's like the writers went out of their way to warn us off. Did we listen though? Nope. Even the American Pie films, old reliables of the teen movie scene, in the 7th installment of the series managed to be better with its words than this putrid muck. A scene late in the movie involving a second castration and a joke being made of a mentally ill woman had me watching through my fingers praying for that sweet release of death. It did not come.

This film so bad that it I hope it affects Netflix's stock exchange performance. Their quality control of late is absolutely septic. In their rush to flood their site with their own product they've thrown all their standards out the window. Don't watch this. Or just keep it for a day when you hate yourself.