Thank You Come Again

"You know that phrase "If you shoved a lump up your arse a diamond would come out"? If I shoved a diamond up my gee, dust would come out."

That's an actual line of dialogue in Thank You Come Again.

No. I'm not joking. I really wish I was.

I love Irish films. I'll always give them a go. It's great getting to see them in the cinema because only a handful of them ever make it past the M50. Even the bad ones are worth sitting through in their entirety in the hope that there will be some bit of goodness to be uncovered. Last night's film was Thank You Come Again. It had no uncovered goodness and it's quite possibly the worse film I've seen this century.

Thank You Come Again is the name of a adult shop ran by an ineffectual wimp called Fergus (John Billy Kennerk) and his one employee, the sex crazed Mary (Dannii Byrne). His best friend Dillon (John Sweeney) is the vilest creation in the history of Irish cinema and he's a man so hated by everyone he has nowhere to be but hanging around the shop annoying everyone. One day amongst the jobseekers, demonic girlfriends, randy priests, gobshite hipsters and deviants who make up their clientele they find a bag of blood diamonds and it sets them on a collision course with the people who lost them.

This could have been fun if it had been 5 minutes long and had ended with Dillon, Mary and Fergus being tied up, shot and set on fire. Sadly it doesn't end like that. It's 100 minutes of pain, cringe and some of THE worst acting you'll ever see wrapped up in a story that's so 1990's that it actually hurts. Writer/Director Stephen Clarke Dunne has made the hideous lovechild of Kevin Smith and Quentin Tarantino and somehow it's managed to get a cinema release instead of being smothered and lobbed into the Liffey as it should have been. It's a diabolical watch. The kind of trash that makes Fatal Deviation, Man About Dog and Charlie Casanova look like masterpieces in retrospect. Everyone involved in the making of this should be issued with a barring order from the High court stopping them from ever going near a film set again. It's the kind of movie that could legitimately ruin the Irish film industry if the wrong person saw it. If you're reading this and assuming I'm speaking in hyperbole please get yourself to the nearest Omniplex and let the horror wash over you.

Every aspect of this film is septic. The electric pink font used as titles. The static camera that makes the Angelus look like a Fast & Furious film. The subplots that pop up and go absolutely nowhere. The godawful delivery of some of the worst dialogue you'll ever hear and the abundance of hateful characters on display. The mind boggles at the decision to release this. We've seen 15 second instagram stories with more imagination and talent on display. Then there's Dillon. Dillon is a piece of shit. If you came across Dillon bleeding on the side of the road during a night out you'd kick him and continue on your way without a care in the world. Dillon is misogyny personified and the fact that he's played for laughs would make you really question the mindset of both the person who wrote his lines and the person playing the part. Both were John Sweeney btw and if I never seen him in another film I'll be happy.

Most people will make it through life without knowing this piece of shit exists. That's the way it should be. It will do nothing but ruin your day. Avoid this like the plague. It's bad for your health.