Black Christmas

1974. Bob Clark, the man who would go on to direct Porky's, makes Black Christmas. A really nasty and sordid but very effective slice of fear that was the precursor to the stalk and slash horror genre of the 1980's.

2006. Black Christmas is remade. It's dreadful, replacing the original's genuine scares with graphic violence and filling the screen with all manner of unconvincing faces from the TV shows of the era.

2019. It's remade again. This time it's a PG-13 horror lacking both the gore of the 2006 version and the scares of the 1974 version. Yet somehow it works. It's not good but it's truly a film of now.

It's Christmas time. There's no need to be afraid...... Actually Paul Young, there's plenty of reason to be afraid. There's been a murder. A young woman from the MKE sorority has been stalked and killed on the grounds of Hawthorne college just as the campus is preparing for Christmas break. The woman is a friend of Riley Stone who's struggling with her own problems after being attacked by a fraternity student the year before. Her fellow sorority sisters are keeping her upright and have decided to cheer her up this Christmas. But one by one they are being taken down by mysterious hooded figures and eventually Riley and her friends decide to take the power back.

Black Christmas's one real scare is stolen outright from The Exorcist III. If you've seen that film you'll know the one I'm talking about. The pace, the build up, the execution, all fleeced shamelessly. It works but it's the only really jump you'll get. Elsewhere you'll get a load of good ideas, a nice subversion of the final girl trope, swipes at societal mores and every hot button issue of the last couple of years but all of them are failed by a script that starts off silly and ends up absolutely ridiculous. This is horror for people that don't really like horror. Every kill cuts away at the last second, every jump scare (except one) is so tame it wouldn't bother a 90 year old and the bad guy is so easily guessable it's actually offensive.

But it's a film with it's heart in the right place so kudos for that. In a post #MeToo era Black Christmas fits the part perfectly with it's story of women lashing out against misogyny and regaining their agency while (literally) burning the patriarchy down. In 1974 the women of Black Christmas were haunted by obscene phone calls but that's now replaced with taunting DM's. There's accusations of hysteria and shrillness, gaslighting by the bucketload and there's even a not all men declaration in the mix. Any user of social media will shudder at what they hear and see here. The bad guys are toxic masculinity personified, their reasons are privilege and power. It's as timely as horror gets but then the last 15 minutes rock up and your eyes will actually roll back into your head with mortification. It's one of those stupid decisions that will haunt the film's writers in years to come. It's beyond dumb. A sharp tight turn into a different universe altogether. You'll feel insulted.

The main cast tries at least. Imogen Poots as Riley is good. Seemingly fragile, torn by a betrayal but possessing an inner strength that would make Laurie Strode and Sydney Prescott proud. Aleyse Shannon as Kris does well as the kind of buddy everyone wants. Supportive but pushy, someone who'll never leave a bud behind. Her appearance at the climax is the film's one "YES!!" moment. There should have been more. The rest of the sorority and fraternity cast barely register, they exist to be meat for the grinder.

Black Christmas meant well but a tame approach and a stupifying ending damage it irreparably. Wait for netflix.