Snake Eyes isn't a good film but it does prove one thing to be true. Men never really grow up. Blokes aged between 40-50 will see the ninja packed trailer and be filled with longing for the days of Shô Kosugi starring Cannon films on VHS, in all their BBFC butchered, panned and scanned, badly dubbed glory. Boys aged 10 will watch the same trailer and climb the walls with excitement. They havent been burned by hundreds of good trailers for bad films like we have so it makes sense for them to want to watch it. Us? We have no excuse ........ but there's ninjas.
A young boy runs through the woods as the sound of the bullet that killed his father rings out behind him. As a man the sound still haunts him and his only desire is to murder the man who orphaned him. Now called Snake Eyes (Henry Goulding, way too good for this), his fighting skills catch the eye of the Yakuza who recruit him into their ranks with a promise of information on his father's killer but when he can't bring himself to gun down a traitor by the name of Tomisaburo (Andrew Koji) he finds himself on the run again, this time with his new friend who promises him entry to the crime fighting Arashikage clan as a thank you for saving his life.
GI Joe : The Rise Of Cobra came out in 2009. It was exceedingly cheesy and very silly but it was also a lot of fun. GI Joe : Retaliation came out in 2013. It was a reboot of sorts, killing off most of the first film's cast and adding Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis and somehow, a few exciting scenes aside, turned out to be extremely dull. Now in 2021 the franchise is rebooted again as an origin story, this time for Snake Eyes, always one of the more popular Joe characters and it again proves true the law of diminishing returns. It is a dud. A big dark, way too serious dud
There was potential here, loads of it. A majority Asian cast that took its Japanese location work seriously, plenty of Samurai and Ninja imagery that harked back to all those movies that made us action film fans back in the day, a first 30 minutes (swords + truck cab = the film's one laugh) where you'd be thinking to yourself "maybe it's not as bad as everyone is saying." Then the rot sets it with a story who's ending you can see a mile away, wave after wave of faceless goons being chopped down in terribly shot action scenes that unforgivably waste the talent of the likes of Iko Uwais (playing a teacher warrior called Hard Master, who's one big scene is the best in the film) and then, painfully and oh so awkwardly the wedging in of franchise faces like Baroness (Úrsula Corberó) and Scarlett (Samara Weaving) just to tie Snake Eyes to future franchise entries.
Entries that probably won't happen now. Covid fear has killed box office takings and word of mouth from this bomb won't bode well for a future installment. Why make a film aping the action classics that put Asian cinema on the map and give it to a director, Robert Schwentke, who cannot direct action scenes? It makes no sense whatsoever. There's so much talent out there now in Asia, ploughing out brutally blunt and memorable action films and the bloke who directed R.I.P.D. gets the gig?
Nonsensical.
Snake Eyes is out now in the cinema. One nice looking fight scene in a rainy alleyway and a few minutes of Iko Uwais coolness aren't enough to save this one. Don't let your children or your inner child talk you into going to see it.
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