The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. A title so potent it's been reused and rejigged eight times since 1974 but not a single sequel, prequel or reboot has come close to matching the raw, nerve jangling ferocity of the original. The 2022 sequel ignores the seven films before it, bringing things back to basics and also bringing back Sally Hardesty, the lone survivor of 1974, last seen (yeah she was in a crap sequel but that doesn't matter now) hysterically laughing and shrieking while soaked in blood and escaping Leatherface in the back of a pick up truck. Seeing her coming back brings to mind the two recent and awful Halloween soft reboots. It's also so bad it makes those two films look pretty good.
Do you remember the first time you saw The Shining? Dick Halloran making his way across America to save the day and then having absolutely no impact at all. That's the way you'll feel when Sally turns up, locked and loaded, to save a bus full of *shudder* social media influencers from a gory evisceration at the business end of a chainsaw. Having the excellent Irish actor Olwen Fouéré playing the part has you hoping for something special but she's just another one of many wasted opportunities on display. It's a genuinely bad film that displays all the hallmarks of a troubled production (it's original directors were fired during production, never a good sign) and who's only saving graces are the return of John Larroquette for an opening bit of narration, just like he did in the original (and in the 2003 & 2006 version) and a mercifully short running time of 82 minutes, 73 minus the drawn out end credits. It's never a good sign when a film this short has you wondering when it will finish.
The town of Harlow, Texas died a long time ago but a pair of *shudder* entrepreneurs have bought it up to bring it back to life and have brought a bus full of instagrammers and snapchatters with them to buy up the properties in an attempt to create a new way of life, away from the trouble and strife of big city life. Despite bank foreclosures some townsfolk still exist there and when one of them dies it stirs another to start killing again. You can probably guess who.
Insta folk being sliced and diced does sound fun doesn't it and if you've seen the trailer you'll know what's coming but what will surprise you is how dull and inert the big moment feels despite all the limbs and intestines flying. Director David Blue Garcia is no Tobe Hooper and fails at the first horror film hurdle. To scare your audience you have to make them give a damn about the characters and you won't be doing that here. The trailer also magnifies just how influenced by the recent Halloween reboots this whole thing is as mentioned earlier. Sequels being flat out ignored, the final girl now a final elderly woman, tooling up and coming for revenge. At least those had the novelty of the original star coming back but here Marilyn Burns's passing in 2014 forced a recasting and having a new actor in the part robs it of it's power. None of the rest of the cast makes any impact either apart from Elsie Fisher (So good in Eighth Grade) as Lila, the sister of one of the town buyers and Moe Dunford as Richter, a suspect town local. He's having fun at least and (SPOILER) goes out in a moment of gore that would have gotten this film banned had it been released not so long ago.
If you're a horror fan who's only here for the violence you might glean some enjoyment from this. The 1974 film, despite being banned in numerous countries spilled barely a drop of blood onscreen and 48 years later the 9th film in the franchise has decide to take a different approach, spraying the town red with it's impalements, decapitations and amputations. It truly lives up to it's title but it doesn't come close to even licking the original film's boots. You won't be scared by it and you won't care about anyone in it. It's background noise at best.
Now streaming on Netflix.
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