The Kitchen

I really wanted to like The Kitchen because crime films, especially gangster ones with women in the leading roles are as rare as hen's teeth. Surely the scalding reviews it's been getting couldn't be accurate. I mean how could a gangster film, always an entertaining genre, starring Melissa McCarthy, Tiffany Haddish, Elisabeth Moss, Domhnall Gleeson and Margo Martindale be bad? All that talent could no doubt overcome a dull script couldn't it? A well done period setting and a superb soundtrack could definitely help paper over a few crack no doubt?

Wrong.

New York. 1978. West of 8th avenue. Hell's Kitchen. A crime infested hole. 3 members of the Irish mafia hold up and rob a liquor store in an attempt to get funds to start a money lending business. All 3 are caught rotten in the act and jailed. 3 wives, Kathy (Melissa McCarthy), Ruby (Tiffany Haddish) and Claire (Elisabeth Moss) are left without an income. Desperation kicks in until they realise they know enough abut their husband's business to start their own. Their protection racket takes hold fast but their rapid success soon catches the eye of other Hell's Kitchen mobsters and eventually the New York City La Cosa Nostra. Blood spills.

The Kitchen is bad. Not funny bad sadly, no this one is bad bad. It's every crime movie cliche you could ever think of horsed into a blender and poured into school glass. Fine actresses and actors are saddled with dialogue that makes them look like z movie amateurs. Worst of all it feels like a much longer movie that's been hastily cut down by nervous studio executives so as to fit in more daily screenings. Every scene as a result feels disjointed, plot points appear from nowhere and vanish just as fast. Characters that are supposed to be important are barely glimpsed and storylines get very confusing very fast. There's no connective tissue in the story leaving the whole thing like a collection of scenes with no bit of flow in between. Everything non essential is gone or stuffed into one of many many montages scored with a 70's hit thrown in to distract us from the shoddiness of what we're watching. I'd swear i heard someone groan during the 3rd (!!!) Fleetwood Mac moment.

Widows, released last year, had a kind of similar plot but did it so much better. A group of women thrown into a world of crime run by men. Men who'd never take them seriously. It had a narrow view but cast a wide spotlight on endemic misogyny and sexism in every strata. The Kitchen (Women should stay in the kitchen!! Get it!! Subtle as a brick to the mush) tries to do similar and dies on its hoop because you won't give a single shit about anyone on screen. Not one character seems like a genuine person and it's a pain in the face seeing brilliant actors wasted like this. Melissa McCarthy is a walking haircut and nothing about her storyline rings true especially the life changing decisions made late in the film. Tiffany Haddish wants to be Foxy Brown so much it hurts. No, it actually hurts. She's a gifted comedian but drama isn't her forte yet. Domhnall Gleeson is walking plot device who's story peters out to nothing. Margo Martindale is gut wrenchingly dreadful which if you've seen her superlative TV work makes it all very hard to bear. Elisabeth Moss is the only person to come out of this with any pride intact. Her character gets a proper arc and the film's one fun moment when she begins to enjoy her new found strength to the sound of Heart's Barracuda. It's fun seeing Peggy Olsen and Offred lashing out in style.

That's it though. 30 seconds in a 100 minute long film. Jesus. Maybe there was a better film here. Maybe what was snipped might have turned this into a more cohesive whole. Maybe if it felt smoother the weaker stuff might have been easier to swallow. But we'll probably never know. It's a shame. It's the directorial debut of Andrea Berloff and there was high hopes for this. Berloff was the writer behind 2015's Straight Outta Compton and that was a highly entertaining watch so we all assumed we'd be in for more of the same here. A sprawling epic filled with interesting characters and great dialogue. Oh well. Pffft.

One good thing has come out of this though. Annabella Sciorra makes a return to our screens. A brilliant actress who's career was nearly destroyed after she had the misfortune to cross paths with the monster Harvey Weinstein. Her role is small but it's a very welcome one. Every cloud and all that. A cliched line no doubt but a small sin compared to this effort.