Today was a good day

What's rare is precious they say. Who's they? Who knows? All i know is good days are rare these days but today was one of them. The sun was shining. I had a roast dinner good enough to make you weep tears of joy. I got to do a dose of painting, the only DIY I ever enjoy. Two members of my family got good medical news and now I'm about to settle in to watch Godzilla vs. Kong because nothing rounds off a good day like watching huge lizards and huge apes kicking the living fuck out of each other. 

#contentedsigh

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 22

 

22

Hmmmm.  I think I'm gonna go with General Orlov from Octopussy. A barking mad Russian army man with plans to invade Europe, played with gleeful relish by Steven Berkoff. He's a bad bastard but he's so hilariously over the top you can't help but smile everytime he's on screen. Plus in an ironic twist he's gunned down by his own countrymen who mistakenly think he's defecting to the west he hates so much. And then he gives us his final gift, one of the hammiest death scenes of the 80's. Perfect. 

It never pays to be good

It's a heartbreaker when you've made up your mind about a film you want to watch and then you realise you've given your DVD of it to a charity shop, it will never get a bluray release, it's not streaming anywhere, it's definitely never going to show up on TV, the copies of it available on torrent sites are so old no one is uploading to them anymore and the only version of it available on youtube is a dreadful quality VHS rip divided into 12x10 minute long segments chopped down to beat copyright infringement.

The moral of the story is never give to charity. You'll only end up hurting.

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 21

 

21

(4) Moonraker. Absolute dreck. Tries to jump on the Star Wars bandwagon and dies on its arse.

(3) Spectre. Dull, dull, fucking dull. Makes Quantum Of Solace look good. Christ.

(2) A View To A Kill. Leave aside the fact that Moore is ancient in it, there's a scene where a person gets snuck up on by a blimp. A BLIMP FFS.

(1) Diamonds Are Forever. Dreadful. Mortifying. Sean Connery looks embarrassed. Every aspect of it has dated horribly. And BOND SHOULDN'T BE WEARING A TOUPEE.

Time doesn't dull everything

I'm watching the director's cut of Natural Born Killers for the first time in about 15 years. You know the way the stuff that shocked us back in the day always seems blunted and tame when you go back to it after an age. That is one maxim that is not absolute. NBK is a film that still has the power to shock and some of director Oliver Stone's decisions throughout are ones he'd definitely not get away with these days ie Mallory's horrifying, abuse filled family life that's shot like an 80's sitcom with Rodney Dangerfield as a leering Al Bundy type taken to the absolute limit. It's a brave choice but jesus you'd feel fair icky watching it.

You forget how chaotic the whole thing is, the constant film stock changes, the flash cutting, insane edits, coca cola ads laid over murder and mayhem. 30 minutes in you'd have a headache and 5 minutes later something audacious happens to blow the ache away. It's so unlike anything since. It's definitely the pinnacle of the extreme side of mainstream cinema. Even down to it's "heroes" which are most definitely supposed to be Mickey and Mallory. They're painted, in a dubious light, as being the purest beings in the film, Mallory especially. A hard sell for a film that starts with her beating a man to death while Mickey guns down and knifes everyone else in sight. But then we meet the rest of the cast - Robert Downey Jr, Tom Sizemore and Tommy Lee Jones, a crime reporter, a detective and a prison boss respectively, three people who'd be the good guys in any other film but here they are venal filth, corrupt, slimy. 3 fuckers designed to make natural born killers look good. As a social commentary on the bad guys it's perfect. Imagine if twitter had been around when this came out? People would have definitely been on #TeamMickeyandMallory 

I stuck this on for a bit of nostalgia. Somehow in this chaos we're living through it feels as vital as ever. 

Wow.

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 20

 

20

(4) Goldfinger - The quintessential Bond film. Ticks every box and created all of them.

(3) Live And Let Die - The only Bond film to jump on a bandwagon. Plus that New Orleans start!

(2) You Only Live Twice - The music, the action, the women, the final action scene. Little Nelly. Perfect.

(1) The Spy Who Loved Me - The best of them all. As the title song said "Nobody does it better."

16 films on TV this week for you to inhale into your eyeballs

In The Name Of The Father   Sat   27/3   RTE2 @ 21.25

Two young men emigrate to Britain to escapes the troubles in 1970's Northern Ireland and find themselves caught up in a nightmare. This is the true life tale (with a couple of big liberties) of the Guildford four and one of the biggest miscarriages of justice in recent history. A story that will enrage you and upset you. Daniel Day Lewis and Pete Postlethwaite are amazing as son and father Gerry and Guiseppe Conlon.

The Boys From Brazil   Sat   27/3   Talking Pictures TV @ 22.00

The nazi cowards who ran to Paraguay after the war 30 years earlier are up to dodgy things and Ezra Leberman, a veteran nazi hunter wants to know what's cooking. What we got here is a gloriously garish slice of pulp fiction wish fulfillment, nasty and darkly humorous in equal share. Gregory Peck is demented as Joseph Mengele and Lawrence Olivier is great value as the righteous avenger hunting him down.

Foxtrot   Sat   27/3   BBC4 @ 23.40

The Feldman's are a wealthy couple living a nice, comfortable life in Tel Aviv. Their ordered existence is upended when they hear tragic news about a family member serving in the military. This powerful 2017 drama uses a fractured narrative to create a damning indictment of life in Israel, one that takes aim at it's insular society and it's horrifying treatment of it's neighbours. Lior Ashkenazi and Sarah Adler do superbly as the Feldman's.

Rango   Sun   28/3   CH4 @ 14.20

Rango is a pet chameleon who gets lost in the desert and eventually finds himself in a lawless town called Dirt. And Dirt is in need of a new sheriff. This is a creative,smart and lovingly made CGI homage to the westerns we all grew up watching. It's a joy spotting all the movie references in between the fun performances and exciting set pieces. A film for with something for both children and adults that's really worth a go.

Death Race   Sun   28/3   ITV4 @ 22.30

In the near future (actually 2012!) prisoners with life sentences are forced to take part in murderous armoured car races for the entertainment of the televisual masses. One man decides to buck the system. Add a ridiculous concept, a dash of carnage, an agreeable Jason Statham performance and a barnstorming turn from Joan Allen as a prison warden and you get a very agreeable 2 hrs of crash, bang, wallop.

God's Own Country   Sun   8/3   Film4 @ 23.40

Johnny Saxby despises his rural Yorkshire life and numbs himself with drink and anonymous sex. One day a Romanian farmhand named Gheorghe arrives and Johnny sees a chance for something new. This 2017 drama is a powerful watch, an earthy but very moving paean to the wonders of love and taking chances. Josh O'Connor and Alec Secareanu both do phenomenal work while Ian Hart is aces in support.

The Wind And The Lion   Mon   29/3   Sony Movies @ 15.05

Morocco. The early 1900's. Foreign powers want it for it's resources and the locals are getting no say in the matter. So a tribal leader kidnaps a rich Greek-American family and stirs up a whole mess of trouble. From the head of John Milius comes this old fashioned and diverting take on a real life incident. It's as chock full of bluster and fun as you'd expect from his work. Sean Connery, Candice Bergen and John Huston all put in fine performances.

Finding Jack Charlton   Mon   29/3   BBC2 @ 21.00

In 1966 Jack Charlton became an English hero. In 1990 he became an Irish one. 30 years later as he suffers with dementia a documentary crew looks at his past and present. Yes, the subject matter can be upsetting in places but this is more of a touching, poignant watch than a sad one. The matter of fact way that Jack talks about himself will make you remember why he was so popular over here while the archive footage will give you goosebumps.

Mary Magdalene   Tues   30/3   Film4 @ 23.15

1,987 years ago a young woman called Mary living along the shores of the Galiliean sea rejects a marriage proposal and is deemed mad because of it. Her father asks a healer with a familiar name to help her. A unique look at probably the most famous story ever told, told from the point of view of a woman who's name became mud in the ensuing years. You might scoff at the beliefs but the acting from Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix is second to none.

Goat   Wed   31/3   CH4 @ 02.10

American universities are strange places and the fraternity houses that surround them are downright terrifying as we see in this story of a young man reeling from an assault who goes to college and joins one in an attempt to reclaim his manhood. A disturbing look at toxic masculinity that may be too much to bear for many people but it's a thought provoking watch. Ben Schnetzer and Nick Jonas do well as the leads.

Cop Land   Wed   31/3   ITV4 @ 22.00

Garrison, New Jersey is where New York City cops make their home. Freddy Heflin is the sheriff who looks after the town. Usually he looks the other way when they mess up but now he has to make a stand. This is one of the best films of the 90's. A complex tale of rights and wrongs with a cast for the ages. Sly Stallone is the best he's ever been and he gets ferocious back up from Annabella Sciorra, Robert De Niro, Harvey Keitel and Ray Liotta. 

The Third Man   Thu  2/4   BBC4 @ 21.00

Holly has arrived in Vienna to visit his friend Harry Lime but is soon dismayed to find out his friend is dead. Or is he? Who knows? This 1949 classic still holds up brilliantly 70 years later with it's memorable dialogue, stunning cinematography, scenes you'll recognise even if the film is new to you and an atmosphere that just drips off the screen. Watch it. It's deadly. Joseph Cotton, Alida Valli  and Orson Welles are all fantastic

Four Lions   Thu   2/4   Film4 @ 23.15

Omar, Hassan, Waj, Faisal and Barry are a group of English jihadists planning to bomb a marathon. Omar, Hassan, Waj, Faisal and Barry are also a pack of dopes. Yes, it is a rather strange basis for a comedy but it really works while also managing to humanise & genuinely make you care about murderous religious extremists. Riz Ahmed, Kayvan Novak and Nigel Lindsay all do mighty work.

Two Mules For Sister Sara   Fri   2/4   TG4 @ 21.00

A nun called Sara is on the run in the wild west and is saved from a fate worse than death by a mysterious soldier named Hogan. Before long their reasons for being in the desert become intertwined and they have to stick together to survive. This might be one of the lesser Clint Eastwood westerns but it's still an enjoyable one due in no small part to the chemistry between him and a spirited Shirley MacClaine. 

John Wick : Chapter 3 - Parabellum   Fri   2/4   Virgin Media One @ 21.30

The best assassin in the world is still on the run and now every other hired killer in New York City is out for his blood when a massive bounty is placed on his head. Keanu Reeve's 3rd entry in this gunfire filled franchise is sheer entertainment, even if it does outstay it's welcome by at least 20 minutes. The action on display here is mindblowing though with motorbike ninjas, axe battles, horses and weaponised dogs all in the mix. Halle Berry and Lance Reddick both add to the fun.

Overlord   Fri   2/4   Film4 @ 22.45

D-Day. 6th of June, 1944. Paratroopers are descending on Normandy to take on the might of the German army but little do they suspect what's lurking in the darkness under the small town they must infiltrate. Ok, this action/horror is probably the goriest WWII film you'll ever see so avoid if you are squeamish but if you enjoy seeing nazis dying horribly you'll have a whale of a time with this. Jovan Adepo and Wyatt Russell do good work as the guys in charge.

If you've found this helpful or discovered yourself a new treat please feel free to retweet. Thank you.

muMs da Schemer - a big loss

This was it. The moment in Season 1 of Oz where you realised it wasn't just a show you were watching. It was art. 

Social commentary at it's finest. Pain. Class war. Reality. Cold hard truth in under 2 minutes.

The man on stage was Arnold "Poet" Jackson. Prisoner #96J352. Convicted February 16, 1996 - Armed robbery, attempted murder, possession of a deadly weapon. Sentence: 16 years, eligible for parole in nine. A gangbanger with the gift of words. His slams to a (literally) captive audience were the moments that gave Oz it's heart and soul and they all came from the mind of the actor, muMs da Schemer aka Craig Grant, who was given free reign by Tom Montana, the show's creator, to write his own poetry. When people talk about Oz, they only ever mention it's brutality or it's profanity, but that's the stuff that's appeared in a 1000 shows since. Nothing like the scene above. Everything's all about shock and sensation now. Nothing makes you think anymore.

muMs died yesterday. He left behind some of the best TV moments ever created.

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 19

 

19

The clown outfit from Octopussy. Why go for a tuxedo or an immaculately tailored suit when you could pick this.

The wig. The Hat. That suit! THOSE SHOES!!

The whole ensemble just screams cool. 

Memorable cinema experiences - The Conjuring

The film was The Conjuring. I'd heard fun things about it and said I'd give it a whirl. The cast was solid and the haunted house premise is one I've enjoyed for as long as I've been enjoying films. So down I rocked to the omniplex for a Saturday afternoon showing because in my experience, night time horror film screenings are always packed to the gills and full of melts talking and using their phones. Hehehe I haz the smarts.

When I walked in the place was empty. Excellent. I had my choice of seat and went for centre of the aisle, just below halfway up. It's the best place to be, no one ever sits below you so no phone screens in your line of sight. Lovely hurling. Only 5 minutes to go. The ads finished. The trailers came and went. The Warner Brothers sign appeared onscreen and the film started. My plan had backfired. I was still the only person in the cinema. Oh shit. OH SHIT.

Watching it now on netflix in a brightly lit room it's not one bit scary. It's a fun mainstream horror movie that's put together like a rollercoaster ride. It knows what buttons to push and you can see the scares coming a mile away. But watching it by myself in a cavernous cinema screen it felt fucking terrifying. Everything was intensified. The sound, the jumps, the screaming, the terror, that face on top of the wardrode (weeps) the subliminal imagery, all were multiplied by a million. There was a constant feeling that someone or something was lurking in the seats behind me. It 's a 112 minute long film and I've no doubt I looked behind me at least once a minute throughout it and I kept expecting some fucker to put his hand on my shoulder and give me an aneurysm.  A smarter person than me would have got up and left but I was going to tough it out goddamn it. The relief when it was over was immense. This is the first time I've watched it since and it's giving me the fear already. 

Ask people what's the scariest film they've ever seen in the cinema and you'll hear the usual suspects like The Ring, The VVitch, Candyman, The Exorcist, Audition, Halloween etc but for me it was a family friendly horror I once watched on a Summer afternoon.

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 18

 

18

There can only be one. The Vesper from Casino Royale.

To quote the man himself - "Three measures of Gordon's; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel."

Someday I'll try one. It will probably kill me but fuck it.

Quo Vadis, Aida?

July 1995 in Ireland was mighty. We were having one of the warmest summers on record. The Oasis Vs Blur showdown was in full effect. Waterworld was in the cinema and everyone was moaning about it without ever seeing it and Jonah Lomu was the new sporting hero in town despite being on the losing team of the Rugby World Cup final. 1200 miles away the inhabitants of a town in Bosnia were going through hell and the world just stood by and let it happen.

Four years after the break up of Yugoslavia had raised tensions in the Balkans and two years after the Croatian-Bosnian conflict had escalated the town of Srebrenica has become a protected UN enclave and the Muslim men and women of the area are turning up in droves looking for protection from the Serbian army of Republika Srpska, a paramilitary force led by Ratko Mladić who are intent on wiping them out. Working with the UN peacekeepers is Aida (Jasna Đuričić), a former teacher turned translator who's job is to act as a go between for the Serb soldiers, the Bosnian civilians and the Dutch peacekeepers. She's also desperate to protect her husband Nihad (Izudin Bajrović) and sons Hamdija (Boris Ler) and Sejo (Dino Bajrović).

At no point throughout Quo Vadis, Aida do we see a drop of blood spilled but the impact of atrocity is pervasive. Aida, her family, the powerless peacekeepers. None of them are quite sure what's down the road for them. Us, the viewers know there's nothing but horror in their immediate future and the feeling of inevitability and tension feels almost suffocating at times. It's the little details that get you. Family photos being ripped apart to hide connections, meek, terrified responses to a barked order, a beloved journal destroyed, a slow pan along a line of scared, tired faces, ordinary men and boys, knowing they are doomed, moments that personify what up until now, for us lucky enough to live in Western Europe, have always been statistics in print or onscreen.

Director Jasmila Žbanić, born in Sarajevo and living there throughout the conflict, has first hand experience of the pain caused by the Srebrenica massacre and her vision of it is a respectful one that eschews melodrama, one that never dulls the pain or terror felt by the survivors but one that thankfully never feels the need to rub the viewers nose in the violence of the situation in the way that films about European massacres like Vohhynia and Katyń did. It's a Bosnian story about Bosnian people. The wider world knows the broad strokes of happened here. There's no need to exploit it. But there's always been a need to humanise it and through Aida's eyes that very thing happens.

It's often said that there's nothing more fearsome than a mother when her children are threatened and the strength and resilience shown by Aida is astounding with Jasna Đuričić painting her as a nonstop dynamo, always pleading, begging, bargaining, running, worrying about everyone else but herself. In her very few moments of downtime her personality shines through (a flashback to a party, stolen conversations about how life should be) and it's these slivers of compassion and humour that will make you realise just how involved you've become in her story. And then it's the bigger picture story that will enrage you. The absolute indifference from the wider world when Colonel Karremans (Johan Heldenbergh), the leader of the peacekeepers realises the UN delegates who should be dealing with this are all on holiday, creating an atmosphere that allows war mongers like Mladić (Boris Isaković, quietly terrifying as a wannabe demigod) to kill thousands unimpeded. In the 26 years since this happened you'd imagine lessons would have had been learned, that the United Nations would never let this happen again. But then you look at what's happening recently in Ethiopia and for years now in Syria and you realise nothing will ever change.

Quo Vadis, Aida? is streaming on google movies now. It's a powerful watch but one you'll need to prepare yourself for.

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 16 & 17

 

16

Somehow I've made it through life without ever owning a single piece of Bond memorabilia. I've never even bought a film. They're always on TV. Why would you ever feel the need to own one?

17

Everyone always says the fight between Red Grant (Robert Shaw) and Bond (Connery) in From Russia With Love is the best of the franchise and yes, it's vicious and visceral stuff but I've always had a soft spot for the one from Goldfinger where Bond takes on Oddjob (Harold Sakata) in the Fort Knox vault as a nuclear bomb counts down beside them. It's one of the few times where Bond is genuinely in trouble, facing an opponent who would snap him in two and who wields the most brilliantly silly weapon in the entire franchise. Knowing he can't match him physically means Bond has to go another direction and we get a wicked scrap and a hell of a memorable death scene as a result.

Video Nasty Rewatch part 24 - The House By The Cemetery

The 24th film on the list is the first (but not the last) Lucio Fulci feature and within 30 seconds we get one of the defining images of the video nasty era. A young woman with a knife through her head. Fulci doesn't do subtlety and from the off he's letting you know his take on the haunted house genre is going to be done on his terms. Terms that once again got him in hot water with the British Board of Film Censorship.

When House first arrived for cinema release it was quickly shorn of 86 seconds. The cut version was then released on VHS which, ridiculously, was prosecuted for obscenity during the video nasty furore of 1984. 4 years later it got another VHS release and this time had another 4 minutes and 11 seconds removed from it on top of the 86 seconds already snipped. It limped into video shops, whimpering like a neutered dog and this was the best version available until 2001 when a still skittish BBFC released it with only 33 seconds removed. Finally in 2009 viewers, the powers that be in Soho Square relented and viewers could legally watch the uncut version and see what all the fuss was about. Was it worth waiting for? Yes. It's definitely one of the best films on the list.

The Boyles are heading north from New York City to New England. The father, Norman, is to research old houses in the area for his work and his wife Lucy and son Bob are tagging along for the 3 months it's going to take. Their home is to be Oak Mansion, a house in New Whitby that just happens to be, by a cemetery. Not only are there tombstones in the garden, which understandably perturbs Lucy, but there's also a few in the house, something that Norman explains away way too fast. What he hasn't told her is that an ex-colleague of his also lived there, in the days before butchering his family in a murder-suicide. Or at least that's what everyone thinks happened...

There's a lot to pick apart in the filmography of Lucio Fulci but one thing he was brilliant at was creating atmosphere and The House By The Cemetery is laden with it. That spooky, shiver inducing New England scenery, the constant sense of foreboding, the unease when you have a child involved with all manner of horrible happenings, even the child himself Bob, is an unsettling little fella. It's a Fulci film that really works even before he ladles on the blood and guts. It started out as his tribute to the New England set H.P. Lovecraft stories that inspired him in his youth and had he laid off the usual excess it would have been a well received but ultimately forgotten entry on the IMDB. But thanks to that fondness for grand guignol it's still being re-released an new formats every couple of years and discovered by new generations of fans.

It doesn't quite reach the heights of The Beyond or Zombie Flesh Eaters The but House By The Cemetery is always worth a watch. Did it deserve to be a video nasty? Not a hope. It's a little bit splashy with the red stuff and every now and then a child (creepy ass Bob) is involved but The Omen already did that years before and had no censorship issues with it.  Had it been from a director who was less of a cause célèbre at the BBFC it might have passed by with minimal cuts but after his previous 5 films had been censored (Zombie Flesh Eaters, Contraband, City Of The Living Dead, The Black Cat & The Beyond), some quite heavily, the scissors were always going to be out for this one. Fulci's follow up to this, The New York Ripper, was banned outright, and copies of it actually received a police escort out of the country. Nope, I'm not lying. 

Ok. Next up is The House On The Edge Of The Park. The second Ruggero Deodato film of the list and another one that really earns it's notoriety. Gulp.

The boredom

I was so bored today I went to a different supermarket to do the big shop. 

It would make you want to cry wouldn't it.

I'm half thinking of digging a hole in the backyard to see if I can break the 5km rule heading downwards.

31 Day James Blond Challenge. Day 15

 

15

The Living Daylights. Lush, swooning, exciting, EPIC. John Barry's last Bond score is a masterwork. Snip any bit out of it and listen to it by itself and you'd know you were listening to music from a Bond film. Every note of it compliments the action onscreen. It's perfection. 

Slaxx

"How many more pairs of jeans are there?"

"175..."

"What if more of them......are alive??"

Slaxx is a film with the most ridiculous premise of the year so far but if you just go with the flow you'll have fun and maybe even leave with a new outlook about the comfy clothes you're watching in. Or else you'll throw the remote at the TV and curse my name for recommending this film. 

Launch day is almost here and the employees of CCC are at fever pitch. The product is a pair of jeans that comes embedded with super shaper technology where once they're on they'll mould to any body type. Everyone wants them. The CEO knows it and demand is going to be through the roof. Insta-fluencers (ugh) will be arriving soon but first it's Libby's (a likable Romane Denis) turn to introduce herself as the newest CCC employee. She lives for the company's clothing and working for them is her dream. A dream that fast becomes a nightmare when she releases the jeans have a life of their own and are starting to rip her co-workers apart.

Yep. Killer jeans. 2018's In Fabric had a dress that brought it's owners bad luck but killer jeans is a new one on me. Before you dismiss the film outright you'll be surprised to hear it's actually a pretty decent satire on consumerism and big business as well as a gorefest. It's as blunt as a 304A bus to the chops but it gets it's message across clearly. Money is king. Success is key. People don't matter a bit in business. They're just, literally, meat for the grinder.  CCC ( clearly modelled on Gap) claims all it's products are ethically made, from renewable sources, by employees who are always treated right. As Slaxx moves on we have confirmed what the dogs on the streets already know about big businesses; everything they say and do is built on lies. Lies that are about to backfire massively, and bloodily.

It's a slasher movie with denim instead of hockey masks and even though all the tropes of the genre are present and it hits every beat you'd expect it has fun doing so. It's characters are sketched in just enough that you'll know who shall bite the dust first and last, who you want to live and who you want to die screaming. Chief among them are bossman Craig (Brett Donahue), a company yesman who'll have your skin crawling, an instagram queen who's comeuppance will make you howl, especially if the whole influencer thing gets on your goat, and Shruthi (Sehar Bhojani), the company veteran who's initially a bit of a wagon to Libby and who's ancestry holds a clue to solving the whole bloody mess. A mess that for once feels, not quite justified, but understandable. A mess that's also lovingly carried out with nicely gooey, gory practical effects. There's no CGI blood here and it gives the whole film a bit of oomph that's missing from a lot of latter day horrors.

Once again, yes, Slaxx is a film about killer jeans but it's also a film that condemns capitalism and consumerism. It condemns the audience too. We try not to think about where our clothes come from and who makes them but here you'll get not so much a knowing wink but a kick in the arse instead. Writer/director Elza Kephart's blunt points kick their way through all the silliness.

Slaxx is streaming on Shudder now.

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 14

14

Little Nelly. The portable war machine/helicopter from You Only Live Twice. It's so fucking cool. Comes in 4 suitcases and is capable to taking on the best S.P.E.C.T.R.E. has to offer. 

17 films on TV this week for you to enjoy

Land Of Mine   Sat   20/3   BBC4 @ 21.00

World War 2 has just ended. The beaches of Denmark are riddled with landmines after the German occupation. Who better to do the dangerous work of clearing them out than the German POW's themselves. A horribly tense look at the brutality of war and the dehumanising effect it has on all sides involved. Roland Møller as the captain in charge of one group of prisoners does mighty work as a man who realises the enemy aren't what they initially seem.

Love & Mercy   Sat   20/3   BBC2 @ 23.20

Brian Wilson, the brains and the heart behind 1960's supergroup The Beach Boys was the very definition of a troubled genius. This unique biopic is a look at his life in both the 1960's and the 1980's and the relationship that could save him from the bad influences around him. Paul Dano (who I usually hate) & John Cusack both put in marvellous performances as Wilson with Elizabeth Banks and Paul Giamatti offering solid support.

I Went Down   Sat   20/3   RTE1 @ Midnight

Two criminals travel into the wilds of middle Ireland to carry out a kidnapping at the behest of a man who owns them both. Things don't work out exactly as planned. For my money this is one the the best Irish comedies ever made. Brendan Gleeson is on fire as Bunny Kelly and Peter McDonald is good craic in his film debut. As always with Irish films the laughs come with a healthy dose of pathos and the two blend brilliantly.

Dorian Gray   Sun   21/3   RTE2 @ 00.30

Based on Oscar Wilde's famous 19th century novel, Dorian Gray tells the story of a young man and the special deal he makes to ensure he stays looking exactly the same as he did the day he gets that infamous portrait done. A lavish and surprisingly bloody take on the story, with a couple of it's own unique twists and turns. This film might offend some but it's an interesting watch led by a decent turn from Ben Barnes.

Manchester By The Sea   Sun   21/3   RTE2 @ 21.00

Lee Chandler's brother has just died, making him to go home to deal with funeral arrangements. The trip home also forces him to revisit the ghosts of his past. Kenneth Lonergan's 2016 drama is a stunning watch, pushing us headfirst into the ongoing effects of grief and loss and all their repercussions. It's brutal, but it's humane and even humorous in places. Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams are both incredible.

Conan The Barbarian   Sun   ITV4 @ 23.05

After the notorious warlord Thulsa Doom destroys his village and kills his family, young Conan is taken and made a slave. As he ages his muscles grow and his skill with a sword becomes legendary. Now he must take his revenge. This blood and carnage packed 1982 sword and sorcery action fest is an 80's classic. It's not a story to think too deeply on but it's depiction of a chaotic, lawless world is impressive. Arnold Schwarzeneggar rocks the lead.

Once Upon A Time In The Midlands   Sun   21/3   Film4 @ 23.45

Jimmy is a petty criminal living a crappy life in Glasgow. One day on TV he catches sight of a roomful of faces from his past and he realises that he needs to make a trip home. This early Shane Meadows film is a lighter one than his later work and it's filled with characters you'll be more than happy to spend time with. Western fans will get a giggle from some of the set ups too. Robert Carlyle, Kathy Burke & Rhys Ifans add to the fun.

Dogman   Mon   22/3   CH4 @ 01.00

When his income from his dog grooming services can't keep him afloat a man called Marcello decides to enter the drug business. It's not a life he's cut out for and one of his customers is starting to make things very difficult for him. A harsh watch, that shows a side of criminal life rarely explored on screen, but a first rate, sympathetic performance from Marcello Fonte will keep you watching to the end.

Call Northside 777   Mon   22/3   Talking Pictures TV @ 15.40

11 years after a seemingly cut and dried murder case wraps up the prisoner's mother, pleading that her son is innocent, puts up a reward for new info, prompting a reporter into the case again. At first it looks like the right verdict was met, until.... The great James Stewart leads this unusual and rather gripping blend of documentary style drama and film noir and does a fine job of course. Kasia Orzazewski and Lee J. Cobb offer nice support.

Copycat   Mon   22/3   TCM @ 23.25

After an almost fatal attack years before, renowned criminal psychologist Helen Hudson's a recluse, afraid of the world. Now a series of familiar murders see her team up with a San Francisco cop to solve them. This 1995 thriller is a very entertaining watch, one that's kind of brutal in places but the duo of Sigourney Weaver and Helen Hunt will keep you glued to the screen. Harry Connick Jr makes for a queasily memorable bad guy.

Rio Bravo   Tues   23/3   TCM @ 16.15

After he arrests the brother of a violent criminal and sets off a countdown to violence, a sheriff trying to defend his little town enlists an unlikely crew of people to help him do his job. One of the quintessential westerns, this Howard Hawks directed movie is gorgeous to look at and an absolute pleasure to watch and sees John Wayne give a performance that shows just why he was so popular. Dean Martin & Walter Brennan are class as always too.

The Look Of Love   Wed   24/3   Film4 @ 01.30

Paul Raymond. Father, business man, porn baron. When he's hit by the biggest tragedy a person can suffer he decides to look back over his life and how he came to be in his place. The always deadly Steve Coogan brings a human touch to the seedier side of London life. The film itself is slightly unfocussed as it tries to fit too much in but splendid work from Imogen Poots, Tasmin Egerton and Anna Friel alongside Coogan will keep you going.

Heist   Wed   24/3   Sony Movies @ 23.05

An aging thief loves his work but a mistake on a job is forcing him to take early retirement, A decision that doesn't sit well with others who rely on him. So they blackmail him to keep earning. David Mamet writes and directs this 2001 thriller and while it mightn't cover any new ground it's still highly enjoyable and carried out in his inimitable style. Gene Hackman, Delroy Lindo and Danny Devito head a packed cast.

She's Funny That Way   Thur   25/3   CH4 @ 01.55

Albert's directing a play. His wife Delta is the star. Albert has also promised the starring role to a call girl, Izzy, he's been seeing. Because Albert is a dope. Chaos ensues. Peter Bogdanovich directs this and it feels like something he might have made in his 70's heyday. It's light, it's breezy, it's morally loop de loop and it's filled out with an amazing cast that includes Owen Wilson, Kathryn Hahn, Jennifer Aniston, Imogen Poots and Rhys Ifans amongst others.

The Shape Of Water   Fri   26/3 Film4 @ 21.00

A lonely cleaner called Elisa falls for an amphibious being that's been held captive in the facility she works in. Their shared alienation from the world brings them together. Guillermo Del Toro's fishy love story won the best picture Oscar in 2018 and it's easy to see why. It's a beautifully odd tale about the strange places romance can blossom. Sally Hawkins is a knockout lead and Michael Shannon does nasty work as the bad guy of the piece.

The Promise   Fri   26/3   RTE2 @ 22.00

Ana,Chris and Mikael are in Constantinople and both men have a bit of a thing for Ana. Overshadowing their love triangle is one of the worst atrocities of the 20th century. The romantic stuff is old hat but it's the bigger picture that makes this a worthwhile watch as it's a story that has sadly been ignored in Western cinema. Oscar Isaac, Charlotte Le Bon and Christian Bale all do a sad story justice.

Green Room Fri   26/3   CH4 @ Midnight

A young punk band's night descends into chaos when they unwittingly play a gig at a neo-nazi club and stumble upon the aftermath of a crime. The late and much missed Anton Yelchin headlines this blisteringly violent thriller from director Jeremy Saulnier. It's tough going but stick with it. Blackly funny, excruciatingly brutal and a frightening insight into a scary American subculture. There's effective backup from Patrick Stewart and Imogen Poots too.

As always an aul retweet or 3 is welcome if this guide is helpful or if it introduces you to something new. Thank you.

31 day James Bond challenge. Day 13

 

13

On a desert Island? It has to be Honey Ryder. She carries a knife and has a nice voice. What more do you need? 

What? Behave ffs.

A perfect pairing of Sound & Vision - La Haine

Mathieu Kassovitz's French drama/thriller was like a kick in the face when it was released in 1995. Bubbling over with life and verve and anger, it was a world away from the cinema France had become famous for, films like Jean De Florette, Entre Nous, The Three Colours trilogy and The Big Blue. Films full of famous french actors like Gerard Depardieu, Juliette Binoche, Yves Montand and Isabelle Hubert. But the melting pot that was Paris was underserved, a city full of Black and Brown faces, rarely appearing onscreen and very rarely snagging a lead. Faces overlooked by everyone, except the police.

Abdel Ichacha has been hospitalised by the police in a banlieue near Paris and his friends are pissed off. There's been a riot and one of them, the perennially angry Vinz, has gotten hold of a cop's gun. His promise to himself; to use it on the gendarmes if his friend Abdel dies. In the meanwhile, Vinz, Said and Hubert, have nowhere to go and nothing to do, except haunt the courtyards of the housing project they all live on. And listen to the music soaring over their heads.

Magnificent. The sounds of KRS-One and Édith Piaf coming together. Paris meets New York City. A song about police brutality and a song that's literally about not giving a fuck anymore. The twin themes of the film in one. Add in that soaring camerawork, a comment about how music is one of the few ways these kids have to escape the ghetto, and you've got a pretty perfect pairing of sound & vision. Plus there's a cow. Cows make everything that little bit more special.

Previous pairings

The Skeleton Twins

Pat Garrett & Billy The Kid

Notting Hill

Summer Of Sam

Vamp

American Me

Beetlejuice

Rio Bravo

Hard Boiled
8 mile
Wheels On Meals
The Office (UK)
Do The Right Thing
Se7en
Mad Men
The Colour Of Money
Rules Of Attraction

Jackass II

Game Of Thrones 

Apocalypse Now

Blade

Big
Miller's Crossing

The Blues Brothers

Straight Outta Compton

The Princess Bride

American Honey

Snake In The Eagle's Shadow

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

The Untouchables

Airplane!

Dazed And Confused  

Kickboxer                                  

Grosse Point Blank

Mean Streets

Watership Down

Casablanca

Zodiac

Jackie Brown
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
Deliverance
The Omen
Copland
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The Mission

Before Sunset

Carlito's Way
A Knight's Tale
Platoon
Before Sunrise
Rushmore
An American Werewolf In London
Dazed And Confused
Boogie Nights
Raging Bull
Almost Famous
Once Upon A Time In The West
Goodfellas

Last Of The Mohicans

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 12

 

12

Bond in the Cretaceous era. Taking on a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a Walther PPK and an exploding cufflink.

The story writes itself.

I'd love a pint

Usually I wouldn't give a single solitary fuck about going to a pub on Paddy's day but jesus today I've a thirst on me. I'd happily have sat in a packed superpub being jostled left, right and centre while Bressie or The Script or The Coronas or whatever god awful Irish band was pumped out over the speakers so loudly I couldn't hear the person next to me. It would be worth it for this. The black gold. The pint of plain. 

Look at it. Isn't it just glorious.

I'm off to have a sob now.

31 Day James Bond Challenge. Day 11.

 

11

Ireland. Where else. We're the country most tied to England so England's greatest spy should at least have the courtesy to get the ferry over from Holyhead. And not just Ireland. I want Bond to come to Limerick. I want to see him order a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, down in Rasher's bar and get told to fuck right off. I want to see him infiltrate Thomond park and take on the 4&5 of the visiting team. I want huge action setpieces starting on the river and ending up in King John's Castle. I want him to meet the latest Bond Girl at a stall in the milk market on saturday morning and charm her right into a bed in the Kilmurray lodge. I want to see him take out a sniper perched on the Thomas Spring Rice monument in the People's Park and make a wisecrack that includes the word 'gowl'. I want it all.

Plus Pierce Brosnan played Bond from 1995 - 2002. If an Irish man can make 4 Bond films the least Bond can do is come for a vist.

Video Nasty Rewatch part 23 - Gestapo's Last Orgy

"There's nothing better than a pot roast of......unborn jews!"

That's the line that takes your breath away. One so tasteless you can scarcely believe you've heard it. The 23rd watch on the video nasty list is far from the best known of the 39 prosecuted films but it's easily the queasiest of the bunch. And that's only a line of dialogue. I haven't even got to the bad stuff yet.

Lise (Daniela Poggi), a Jewish camp survivor, and Conrad von Starker (Adriano Micantoni), a former commandant in the German army are visiting the site where they first met; an abandoned concentration camp. The visit brings up memories for Lise not surprisingly and the film flashes back to her time there, where Conrad made her life hell, where he broke her physically and psychologically. Afterwards they became lovers and have now met up for the first time in years. But Lise isn't just there for him. Nope, she's been waiting for this moment for years to get her revenge.

Gestapo's Last Orgy is the 2nd nazisploitation film on the infamous list and it makes The Beast In Heat look like a tame and campy cheesefest. As rotten as that 1st film was at least there was an air of ridiculousness to take the edge off. There's nothing like that here, just a leering commitment to shoving our face in the worst things humanity can think of. Two scenes will stay with you. The first is one of new soldiers coming to the camp. They're being brainwashed by the camp leader to dehumanise the Jewish prisoners, and are forced to watch a film featuring horrible scenes of incest and coprophagia which of course works them up and then they are released on a group of female prisoners. Mass rape occurs and the camera zooms in on all of it. The second manages to be even worse. A banquet laden with anti semitic talk that starts with the cannibalistic meal mentioned in the first line above and ends with a naked Jewish woman being cooked alive. While the nazi's watch and get turned on of course.

It's just an appallingly offensive film. There's no merit to it. It exists to leer and disgust. It's no surprise that it was banned when it came to VHS in the spring of 1984. And it's really no surprise that it was banned again in January of this year. Racism and sexual violence are taken a lot more seriously now than they were when this film was made in 1977. If something like A Serbian Film can get a release (albeit with big cuts) and this gets rejected it says a lot about how horrible it still is. 

You really can't argue with anything there. And there's no embellishment on the BBFC's part. The film really is that vile. 

Next up - the first Lucio Fulci film of the list, but not the last, the superb House By The Cemetary. 

31 Day Bond Challenge. Day 10.

10

It's got to be Rosa Klebb in From Russia With Love. Vicious, no nonsense, has a poison knife shoe and all. Way better than any Bond gadget and way better than the painful duo of Mr Kidd and Mr Wynt from Diamonds Are Forever. 

 

Cherry

When you've just directed some of the biggest films ever made you would of course want a change of direction. Something more personal, more intimate, a step away from the CGI carnage and family friendly framework blockbuster movies are built on. Cherry, the new film from Anthony and Joe Russo, is the polar opposite of the Avengers films, a story of one man's descent into hell that's laden with horror, profanity and copious drug abuse. It's also a ponderous and pretentious wet fart of a film that never once feels genuine.

It's the wedding ring that you'll notice first. The band of gold on Cherry's (Tom Holland) finger that stays on throughout the film, even in the depths of addiction. To quote Baltimore's mainest man Bubbles from The Wire, "Shit, you're married to the needle boy, that shit would have been pawned off if you're for real". It's just one of many things about Cherry that don't ring true. It could have been good. Two directors coming off years of huge success, a young actor willing and ready to debase himself to prove there's more to him than webshooters and wisecracks and a story that's sadly, hideously topical but when it's over all you'll be left with is a sore hoop from it's ridiculous (142 minutes) running time and a storyline that's been done better a 1000 times already. And that rectum POV. Yeah....

Cherry's floating through life. Casual drug use, hanging with his boys, classes, it's a drab existence until Emily (Ciara Bravo) lights him up and he's smitten, falling in love fast, an admission of which scares her and puts her on the defensive. Fearing he's lost her he impulsively joins the army and finds himself in Middle East, working as a medic and watching the young men he has befriended being eviscerated and incinerated. Back in the world, he's in Ciara's arms again but P.T.S.D. has dug it's claws in deep and opioids and alcohol are the only things keeping the nightmares at bay. Then one day the pills just aren't enough anymore...

Tom Holland's way too good for this film, especially in the earlier parts of the film where he's a lost young man looking for his way in life. An afternoon ecstasy fuelled admission to a girl is the only moment you'll smile in this one and it's downhill all the way from there as the film takes an episodic wallow in abject "DRUGS ARE BAD M'KAY" style misery that cinema's been beating us over the head with since the days of Christiane F and Panic In Needle Park. Halfhearted jabs at America's willingness to solve every problem with medication are made and then forgotten in favour of more vomit and diarrhea. Then as the downward spiral really kicks off the big acting kicks in. The huge dramatics designed to win awards get louder and louder and the naturalism of earlier performances vanish and by the opera scored climax you'll be rolling your eyes far more than the character onscreen.

In places it feels like a first film. A gritty indie designed to shock and repel, needles unflinchingly penetrating skin, intestines pushed back into a stomach cavity, Ireland's own Jack Reynor calling the actor best known as Peter Parker a "cunt nugget", horrible graphics overlaying the action and all manner of directorial flourishes you'd usually only see from a director fresh out of film school who's out to impress. But it's all for naught, window dressing on an old story. Touches that strive for edginess but that only add self importance. It's not a good sign when you check to see how long is left in a film and it's really not a good sign when you think "For fuck sake" when you see there's still 90 more minutes of it.

Cherry is streaming now on Apple TV. It's not worth your time. 

James Bond 31 Day Challenge. Day 9

9

The end of Skyfall. A beautiful looking film throughout courtesy of cinematographer extraordinaire Roger Deakins but this shot of Javier Bardem silhouetted by Bond's burning homestead is a beaut.

SAS: Red Notice

A woman wielding a hand grenade runs towards our hero. He shoots her in the face and jumps out the window to avoid the ensuing explosion. As he lands he laughs out loud and then jokes with his buddy in the next scene. It's just another wacky day in the life of SAS man Tom Buckingham's crazy existence. And it's the moment you'll realise SAS : Red Notice is a turd.

The opening scenes of this Andy McNab adaption jar. A brutal scene of ethnic cleansing seques into a Downton Abbey-esque introduction of our main character Tom (Sam Heughan), an introduction that has no bearing on the rest of the story whatsoever. He's about to go on holiday to Paris where he'll propose to Doctor Sophie (Hannah John-Kamen), a woman with whom he shares no chemistry. But first there's a bit of business about taking down The Black Swan, a terrorist group led by the father and daughter duo of William (Tom Wilkinson) and Grace Lewis (Ruby Rose). With Dad down and daughter on the run, Tom's work is done and he's off to France via the Channel Tunnel. But when you take out a terrorist cell you should really finish the job...

SAS : Red Notice is a cheap looking, shoddy, mean spirited Die Hard rip off that feels like it's crawled, bleeding and crusty, from the grave of 90's action thrillers. Nothing about it works, from the intensely unlikable lead characters, to the bland, by the numbers fight scenes, the wholly unbelievable terrorists made up of the kind of rich evil families you only ever seen in the pages of a comic book and eventually, the wannabe emotional denouement that will have you howling with laughter. You'll watch it and remember nothing the next day. No, scratch that, you'll remember Andy Serkis, chewing the scenery as a cackling cockney SAS sergeant who gives the film it's one bit of fun. He seems to be the only person onboard who realises he's in a dud so he might as well have a bit of a giggle.

Everyone else plays it straight and the cringe factor is turned up to 11 as a result. Heughan feels like he's auditioning for Daniel Craig's place at the 007 table and on the basis of this you can only fear for the future of that franchise. Tom Wilkinson just looks embarrassed. Ruby Rose comes off like a spoiled child acting out and Hannah John-Kamen sets the Hippocratic Oath back years. You'd assume a fine collection of talent such as this could salvage the film in some way and you'd be very wrong. But it's based on an Andy McNab book you say, he knows his action, he walked the walk and talked the talk as a British soldier in Iraq. He very well might but director Magnus Martens makes a shambles of the action throughout. Shootouts in dark tunnels get boring very fast and the one fight scene that does get the blood pumping, a hand to hand scrap in snowy daylight, only ends up shining a light on how unlikable the main character is once again.

Film fans get that war takes a massive psychological toll on soldiers, we've seen it a 1000 times before but having your hero portrayed as a smirking psychopath leaves a bad taste in the mouth, especially when the film has no interest in delving into what made him the man he is. The aforementioned headshot & lols, smiling lovingly when your betrothed tells you to take bloody revenge, the brutal pistol whippings, everything about the character of Buckingham feels off. He's not someone you'd want to see a franchise built around. Franchise? Oh yes, the ending and the multitude of plot points left hanging are only pointing in one direction. A direction you'll be very hesitant in heading after this.

SAS : Red Notice is screening exclusively on Sky Movies. At best it's background noise to a conversation.