Craving the pint of plain

Just got an absolutely insane craving for a saturday night pint. Not the pint itself but everything that comes with it. Sitting at the bar (which we can't do anymore), watching it settle, chatting to the person next to you be they friend or stranger (which we can't do anymore). That first mouthful that demolishes half the pint. Getting the bag of tayto, ripping them open so they can be shared (which we can't do anymore). A bud walking in, clapping you on the shoulder (which we can't do anymore). Seeing someone you haven't seen in an age, pushing through the crowds for a hug (which we can't do anymore) and a natter. Catching a breeze outside and inevitably ending up in a conversation with someone you've never seen before (which we can't do anymore). Giving the bartender the nod at 1am (which we can't do anymore) for that one last pint, enjoying that good buzz and trying to make it last. Walking home, the comforting warmth of a bag of chips in your hand. The smell of vinegar making you salivate. Eating those last crispy salty bits and then falling into a happy slumber laughing at the silliness that kicked off just after 10pm.

Fuck sake, this thing has me nostalgic for something I'd stopped doing years ago.

Savage

Kids are like sponges. They absorb everything. Words. Songs. Wisdom. Knowledge. Love. Hate. Violence. Bigotry. The things they experience in their formative years can shape the adults they will become. As you'll find out vividly when you sit down to watch this fine New Zealand crime drama from first time director Sam Kelly.

Damage. An apt name for the enforcer (Jake Ryan) of a New Zealand gang called the Savages. He's the go to guy for the gang's wetwork and his weapon of choice is a claw hammer. He's feared and respected by his fellow members but the only one who actually has any time for him is the club president Moses (John Tui). Damage and Moses grew up together from the borstals of their youth through the formation of their gang through to being it's top lieutenants and Moses is the only one who knows what makes Damage tick because he's not exactly an open book. Starting in 1989 and flashing back to 1965 and 1972 we get to bear witness to what made Damage the man he became.

Savage is one hell of a grim watch and one that doesn't pull its punches. You won't leave it smiling or feeling uplifted. It's not a tale of redemption and you'll barely raise a smile throughout. Its the story of a man born into violence, then moulded by violence until it becomes the only thing he's any good at. It's a story about the dark underbelly of a country that's rarely talked about, the racist and classist structures designed to keep the "undesirables" out of sight. The toxic environments that men too often find themselves in and unable to escape from and the effect that type of masculinity has on the psyche and the soul. Why would you put yourself through this you ask? Because sometimes it's good to remind yourself of how good you actually have it.

In 1992 the Australian crime drama Romper Stomper put Russell Crowe on the map and I've a feeling this film will do the same for Jake Ryan. He's best known for his turn as the troubled Robbo in Home And Away but his performance here will put soap opera's in the rear view for him. He's immense, a hulking ball of hate driven by a broken little boy inside. His physical presence is powerful but it's the psychological turmoil written across his face in a guise of a gang tattoo that will stay with you. Everything he does, his every move is clearly traceable to an experience no child or no-one should ever have to deal with but because of the macho culture he's immersed in he doesn't have the emotional intelligence or freedom to deal with it. The scenes in which it seems like he'll open up are a killer to watch when violence inevitably replaces far more important words. It's all a vicious cycle that badly needs to be broken.

When Damage begins to struggle with his place in the world you get the sense it's already far too late for Moses. Like Damage he was broken by the system as a child but for him it goes far deeper. He's a Maori, proud of his skin but knowing that in his own country he'll always be a second class citizen. And that's my one problem with Savage. As good as Ryan is as Damage this film should be Tui's story. Films about the Maori culture that actually get shown internationally are few and fair between and it's a pity it took a white lead for this to be made. Boy, Utu, Whale Rider, Once Where Warriors could all do it so why not here too? I'm asking the question but we all know the unpalatable answer.

From it's vicious opening to it's affecting close Savage is worth your time. I'm looking forward to director Samuel Kelly's next work already. It's in cinemas now but won't be around for long.

17 films on TV this week chosen just for you. Yes you, with the head over there in the corner.

Galaxy Quest   Sat   12/9   5Star @ 21.00

The cast of the Galaxy Quest tv show are sick to the teeth of their fans and the scifi conventions they have to deal with. Until they find themselves in a real life adventure caused by intergalactic confusion. This is one of the most underrated films of the 90's. A wonderfully written story about rabid fandom and holding on to old glory that manages to be hilarious, exciting and in places genuinely affecting. Sigourney Weaver, Tim Allen and a fantastic Alan Rickman all work their magic here.

Larry Crowne   Sat   12/9   TG4 @ 21.35

He used to be the big man at his job until the day he was let go and his mortgage broke him. Now Larry has to start all over again and he decides to go for a full life make over. This might be too cheesy for the cynics out there but it's a warm, gentle and humorous look at a positive way to deal with the huge upheavals life is wont to throw at you from time to time. Tom Hanks, Julia Robert & Bryan Cranston are all fun here.

Memento   Sat   12/9   BBC2 @ 21.45

Leonard is a man with no short term memory who's searching for his wife's murderer. Sounds simple right. Haha. No, it's far from it from. This is the film that made Christopher Nolan famous and rightly so. It's a mind boggling thriller and one which demands your utmost attention as it's non linear plot line can be slightly confusing. Guy Pearce in the lead role is on fire and gets fine back up from Carrie-Anne Moss and Joe Pantoliano

The Outlaw Josey Wales   Sun   13/9   RTE1 @ 00.35

A man loses his family to a renegade pack of union soldiers during the US civil war & while out for revenge slowly but surely creates a new life for himself and those following him. This is my favourite western of all time. It's pretty much perfect. Epic in sweep, full of action & understated humour, immensely quotable and just packed with great performances. Clint rocks it and John Vernon & Sam Bottoms are at their best. Give it a go. It's poetry.

Under The Skin   Sun   13/9   Film4 @ 00.55

There's a woman luring the men of Glasgow into her van with the promise of sex and well...... I'll be honest, you just have to see this one for yourself. Jonathan Glazer's 2013 film is one that defies description. It's a haunting, terrifying, sensual and mesmerising tale that will worm it's way into your head and mingle with your dreams for weeks to come. Scarlet Johannson carries the film with a brave, deeply disturbing turn.

Casablanca   Sun   13/9   BBC2 @ 16.20

Classic movie time. Humphrey Bogart plays Rick Blaine, a nightclub owner in World War 2 era Morocco who has his finger in a number of pies. When an ex-lover appears it throws him for six. This is one of those famous movies that lives up to the hype. You'll recognise scenes and dialogue even if you've never seen it. Ingrid Bergman and Bogie are at the top of their game here. Oh and the Marseillaise scene is one of the best ever filmed.

Gully Boy   Sun   13/9   CH4 @ 23.55

In the crowded streets of Mumbai a young man has been directed by his parents towards a white collar life but the lure of a career in music is too strong for him to ignore. Gully Boy is 2.5 hrs long and it's a rare film that uses every moment of it's running time well with it's deep dive into the class divides and economic trickery used to keep people in their place. And the music is wicked too of course. Ranveer Singh is a memorable lead.

Phantom Thread   Mon   14/9   TG4 @ 21.30

Reynolds Woodcock is a spoiled egotistical dressmaker who relies on his sister Cyril to keep him in check. Until the day he orders a large breakfast from a waitress called Alma. This is one hell of a film, a Hitchcockian drama about obsession and dependence that goes down roads you'll never ever expect it to. Daniel Day Lewis is immense in the lead while Leslie Manville and Vicky Krieps do super work in support.

Brassed Off   Mon   14/9   Film4 @ 23.30

The Grimley Brass band has been playing it's music for as long the mine that sustained the town of Grimley has been open. But work has dried up and the band is in danger of it too. Until... This sounds like it might be another one of those "It's grim up north" films but it's a far more humane, warm and funny watch than it first seems and it's powered by some lovely turns from Ewan McGregor, Tara Fitzgerald and the much missed Pete Postlethwaite..

Summer Of Sam   Tues   15/9   Sony Movies @ 21.00

New York. Summer of 1977. Tempers are rising due to the heat and a serial killer picking on the young people of Queens is turning up the paranoia too. Spike Lee's drama/thriller is a gripping look at the lives and loves of an Italian community impacted by the carnage. It's graphic stuff and won't be to the tastes of many but you'll stay watching and a couple of superb leading turns from Mira Sorvino and John Leguizamo are the icing on the cake.

Splice   Tues   15/9   The Horror Channel @ 22.45

A pair of genetic engineers design a creature made from the DNA of different animals combined with a dash of human. Not surprisingly things go arseways. This 2009 horror thriller is an intriguing look at ethical responsibility and the dangers of playing god in an area of untold power. Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley do solid work here but Delphine Chanéac's part as Dren is the one you'll remember. Not for the faint of heart.

Unquiet Graves   Wed   16/9   RTE1 @ 21.35

The Glennane gang were a collection of loyalists who terrorised the Catholics of Armagh and Tyrone in the 70's. They killed well over 100 people and sometimes did it with the collusion of the British army. The Miami Showband were one such group who had the misfortune to meet them. This documentary will enrage you and send you to bed in a terrible mood but it's vital & important viewing about a horrifying part of our little island's history.

Tender Mercies   Wed   16/9   Talking Pictures TV @ 22.00

Mac Sledge is a country and western singer who's burnt a lot of bridges along the way. His drinking has alienated friends and family and a chance encounter with a young widow might just be his last chance at a life. Robert Duvall fully deserved his oscar for his role in this powerful and brilliantly acted paean to love and redemption but it's Tess Harper, who stuns in her debut role, that really gives this story it's heart and soul.

All Quiet On The Western Front   Thur   17/9   TCM @ 01.15

A group of young students let themselves be talked into fighting for Germany on the killing fields of World War 1. Their experiences do not live up to what was promised them by the recruiters who lured them in. This is one of the greatest anti war films ever made. 90 years old and it still has the power of shock and upset. Lew Ayres is excellent in the lead role. His final scene will stay in your head for weeks to come.

Bait   Thur   17/9   Film4 @ 23.20

Martin's a man who's lost his place in the world. His career is vanishing and the fishing village he calls his home is rapidly gentrifying as the family house gets sold to a crowd of out of towners. This film is something else, a dreamlike and timeless look at the inability to adapt to change and the pain of losing what you love. It might alienate you at first but stick with it for a truly powerful story. Edward Rowe as Martin is an actor to keep an eye out for in the future.

Night Of The Creeps   Fri   18/9   The Horror Channel @ 21.00

An otherworldly encounter in the 50's bleeds into the 80's and has disastrous consequences for the members of a college fraternity and it's new pledges. This film isn't talked about much this days but it's one of the most entertaining and inventive horror films to crawl of the 1980's, a notoriously terrible time for the genre. This one has everything you could ever want from a scary movie and it's hilarious to boot. Plus horror hero Tom Atkins pops up to add to the fun.

Selma   Fri   18/9   RTE2 @ 22.00

A look at 3 months in the life of Dr Martin Luther King as he took part in an effort to secure equal voting rights for African Americans in 1965. An upsetting look at a period of American history that the White establishment is terrified of returning. Directed by Ava DuVernay and carried aloft by a superlative performance from David Oyelowo as Doctor King, this a history lesson that everyone should watch, especially now.

Buy this book

I bought this monday and finished it today. Its brilliant. A book that would challenge long held ideas put in your head by subpar ITV dramas, godawful Jess Franco films and shitty Johnny Depp films. Unlike those penny dreadfuls this book gives agency to the women, turning them into living breathing individuals who fell afoul of a murdering bastard instead of being depicted as sleazy streetwalkers who deserved what they got. Its an excellent history lesson too. A look at systemic poverty and the misogyny that can arise from it.

Seriously worth picking up.

The Owners

What? Another comic book adaption? Oh sorry, graphic novel adaption. Seriously? You can't get away from them these days. What city gets thrashed this time then? Do the heroes fly? Are they invisible or do they just shoot flames all over the shop? What do you mean stanley knives? A sledgehammer ......... Arya from Game Of Thrones ........ dementia...?

Ah go on sure I'll give it a whirl.

The Huggins (Rita Tushingham and Sylvester McCoy) are an elderly couple living a quiet life in the middle of the English countryside. They've been targeted by Nathan (Ian Kenny), a teenager with a chip on his shoulder concerning wealth, who wants money but who isn't willing to work for it. Himself and his friends Gaz and Terry have a plan involving the Huggins and the safe they have in their basement. But they haven't accounted for Nathan's girlfriend Mary (Maisie Williams) turning up or the Huggins's returning early from a night out.

There's an act of violence about halfway through The Owners and it's the point where you'll stay watching or press the stop button. It's hideously satisfying, replete with some eye popping practical effects and a crunch that will haunt your dreams but if you can get past it you'll get to enjoy a nifty little thriller/horror that starts out with Shane Meadow's style realism and ends up with shrieking campy brutality.  The English take (adapted from a French comic called Une Nuit de Pleine Lune) on the home invasion genre has always been worth a watch with films like Cherry Tree Lane, Straightheads & Emelie standing out but this one does things you won't expect and gives us a twisted interplay between characters that gives the whole thing an air of unpredictability. Their actions turn it into a nasty little chamber piece that's rough on the eyes in places but thankfully it veers away from the torture porn territory it flirts with at the last minute and becomes something slightly more palatable. Slightly.

One thing I enjoyed about this is how it messes with your allegiances throughout. At different times throughout the story you'll side with parties from both sides of the (much commented on) class divide before they say or do something that will make you shudder and it's down to the quality of the performances from Williams, Ellis, McCoy and Tushingham that this happens. These aren't people you'll necessarily want to spend time with but you won't want to see them splashed around the place either and if a horror movie can make you give a shit it's succeeded in my book. It's only late in the day when it starts getting a bit too clever, indulging in some aspect ratio shenanigans that the film suffers. Visual trickery designed to make an already claustrophobic story even moreso but all it really does is reminds you you're watching a film, therefore talking you out of the moment. A needless, annoying addition.

French Director Julius Berg's first feature film is an imperfect but twisted & promising debut and it's streaming online now if you have the constitution for it.

When you just know

I'm Thinking Of Ending It. The new Netflix film from Charlie Kaufman, starring Ireland's own Jessie Buckley and Jesse Plemons, two of the most exciting young actors around. The hype about this was mighty. Kaufman's last film Anomalisa was melancholy and amazing. Buckley's last leading role was in Wild Rose, one of the best films of 2018 and everything Plemons turns up in tends to be gold. Then people I admire on Twitter started talking about it, praising it, loving it. Sure how could ya go wrong watching it.

I turned it off after 15 minutes. I hated what I saw. What was the point when you just know from the beginning that you aren't going to enjoy it. You could sit through it but why? So you could say you did? Fuck that, I'm not 17 and looking to show off anymore. It was going to be too much hard work. I need to start doing this more. I watch way too much shite in an effort to keep up with the Joneses. There's no shame in giving up on something. I'm still pissed off I sat through 6 seasons of Homeland FFS

Ah you can't win 'em all. I should have watched Mulan instead.

The New Mutants

The New Mutants has had quite a troubled journey to the big screen. After dozens of script rewrites and numerous cast changes the film was eventually filmed in 2017. It then went through a series of plot reshoots before it's release in 2018. Fox, the studio making the film then delayed it's opening date to first avoid clashing with Deadpool 2 and then again to avoid a clash with X-Men : Dark Phoenix. Then just as it was about to see the light of day Fox was bought by Disney and a further delay occurred. Then Disney actually watched the film, didn't think much of it and reshot more of it. 2019 turned into 2020 and it got a release date in April. Then a little thing called the Covid-19 global pandemic once again kicked it in the teeth. Finally, finally it got released yesterday, in the shadow of Tenet, the biggest film of the year so far. Was it worth the wait? Eh........

After her reservation village is decimated by what she's told was a powerful tornado, a Native American teenager called Dani Moonstar (Blu Hunter) wakes up and finds herself trapped in a hospital ran by Dr Reyes. Dani's a mutant and in this hospital she'll be trained to utilise her mutant gift properly before she moves on the better known business. The other patients are Samuel (Charlie Heaton) , Illyana (Anya Taylor-Joy) , Roberto (Henry Zaga) and Rahne (Maisie Williams). 4 teenagers who, just like Dani have tragedy in their pasts caused by the manifestation of their gifts. But since Dani's arrival things have gotten weird for them all and they suspect it's something to do with her powers. Powers that she still doesn't know anything about.

The New Mutants is the 13th installment in the X-men series and while it ain't the worst of them it's far from the best either. It's too bland & tame (don't let the 15 cert fool you) to have any real impact. A post script to a series who's best days are a decade and a half ago. Reshoots and plot revision have left it choppy and feeling like important plot points are missing. But it's characters save it and the interplay between them is definitely the best part of the film. It's a massive change of pace from the others in the series too with its cast of 6 characters and one setting. It's like a super powered chamber piece and while it does go full CGI at the end as these films are wont to do it's low-key, low stakes story is a nice change of pace. Plus it leans into the horror aspects of the comic books it's based on far more than the others. We get a dab of body horror, some psychological trauma and hinted at darkness in the teens pasts but the need to keep it family friendly blunts any threatened edges. It's a pity because 3 of the others in the series were allowed to fully embrace an adult rating so why not this? 

Luckily a decent cast playing some solid characters do well. Marvel finally gets it's first gay relationship, the majority female cast feels refreshing in a genre usually dominated by male characters. Dani's an interesting lead and played with a nice vulnerability by Blu Hunt and her chemistry with Maisie Williams' lycanthropic Rahne feels genuine. Anya Taylor-Joy as Illyana Rasputin is fun too. Her Russian accent is hilariously syrupy and full on but she crackles onscreen and is the kind of character you'd look forward to seeing more of in future installments. But therein lies the rub. With Disney's acquisition of Fox they own all the rights to the X-men franchise and all characters within. Characters who will be transferred to the Marvel side of the Disney business. Marvel who are just about to reboot the X-men franchise meaning this film will be a one off. Oh it's all very confusing.

I'd have liked to have seen the originally envisioned version of this. One that more explicitly tied it to the X-men universe especially for viewers who wouldn't have known these characters from the comic books. For the uninitiated it feels like an outlier and, in light of what Disney/Marvel will do next, it also feels a bit pointless. But completists will get something out of it I suppose.

The New Mutants is in cinemas now.  

16 films to keep that September stress away

Lucy   Sat   5/9   E4 @ 21.00

While muling a mysterious drug shipment inside her stomach, a woman undergoes a drastic transformation when it leaks. Luc Besson directs Scarlet Johansson in this bonkers film that has a final 10 minutes which has to be seen to be believed. You'll either love it or hate it but you definitely haven't seen anything like it before. Johansson is solid as Lucy and Morgan Freeman & Min-Sik Choi are always a pleasure.

Essential Killing   Sat   5/9   TG4 @ 23.20

Mohammed is on the run. He's a member of the Taliban who's been captured in Afghanistan and the yanks are transferring him to an eastern european blacksite for interrogation and fearing for his life he's gotten away. An unusual one, looking at a conflict from a point of view rarely seen and focusing on a character who'd be a faceless goon in a US production. Vincent Gallo does good work as the lead of a mature, gritty film.

Ginger & Rosa   Sun   6/9   BBC2 @ 00.45

London. The early 60's. Society is in upheaval and the spectre of the Cuba Missile Crisis is looming large. The two teenage girls of the title are loving life, living in each other's pockets. Until one day.... A complex, thoughtful coming of age drama from director Sally Potter that deviates from the usual teen dramas. Pristine work from Elle Fanning, Christina Hendricks, Alice Englert and  Alessandro Nivola.

Odette   Sun   6/9   BBC2 @ 11.30

The true story of Odette Sansom, one of the unsung heroes of World War 2. A French woman and mother who joined the SOE and learned spycraft and espionage before falling foul of the nazi war machine. A gripping and tension packed watch about a side of history rarely mentioned & led by an excellent Anna Neagle as Odette. Reliable old British faces such as Peter Ustinov and Trevor Howard are great back up.

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty   Sun   6/9   Film4 @ 16.40

A chronic day dreamer trying to save his job finds himself on an adventure that tops anything even his wildest imagination could come up with. A delightful bit of family viewing, perfect for a sunday evening.  Highly amusing, imaginative, exhilarating, lovely looking and ably led by Ben Stiller who for once is surprisingly likable. Nice support too from the always welcome Kristen Wiig and Kathryn Hahn.

A Matter of Life & Death   Mon   7/9   BBC2 @ 14.30

A WW2 fighter pilot jumps to his death from a burning plane but due to an administrative error in Heaven he gets a chance to argue for his life. This is, simply put, a outstanding film. Yeah, it sounds silly but in the hands of  Michael Powell & Emeric Pressburger it becomes a genuinely affecting piece of work. It's wondrous stuff, packed with imagination and superb acting from David Niven and Kim Hunter amongst others.

Jallikattu   Mon   7/9   Film4 @ 23.35

A butcher in a small Indian village finds himself in a lot of bother when a buffalo due for slaughter rears up and escapes during a ceremony. It causes chaos that soon spreads through the populace. A powerful, almost primal tale about the machinations existing beneath the surface of smalltown life. Dark, exciting, visceral and very unique. Chemban Vinod Jose & Santhy Balachandran both do mighty work.

The Life & Death Of Colonel Blimp   Tues   8/9   BBC2 @ 14.30

Clive Candy has had hell of a life and we get to bear witness to how it all plays out from the Boer War to WW2 and meet all the people who shaped him along the way. This Powell and Pressburger film from 1943 is masterful and more than transcends it's original purpose as wartime propaganda. A warm, witty, upsetting and layered story powered by impressive turns from Roger Livesey & Deborah Kerr times three. Yup (x) 3.

A Fistful Of Dynamite   Tues   8/9   ITV4 @ 23.45

During the revolution of 1910 an IRA member is recruited by a Mexican bandito to rob a bank but he has other ideas. Rod Steiger and James Coburn are loads of fun in this at times hilarious and gorgeous looking western from the master, Sergio Leone. It's quite different to his more well known films but its still really worth a go. A couple of scenes from this were filmed in Toner's on Baggot Street in Dublin. See if you spot them.

In The Heart Of The Sea   Tues   8/9   RTE2 @ 21.30

In 1820 a whaling ship was attacked and destroyed by the animal it was hunting. The story inspired Moby Dick but that famous tale was only half of what happened. This was a fine film but christ it's tough going. The gory details and harsh existences of the times are never soft pedaled but some first class turns from a cast that includes Brendan Gleeson, Chris Hemsworth and Cillian Murphy will keep you going.

Bridge Of Spies   Wed   9/9   More4 @ 21.00

Cold war intrigue abounds in this gripping drama from Steven Spielberg. An American lawyer hired to deal with a Russian spy finds himself sucked into a negotiation involving a downed U.S. pilot in a Berlin divided in two. Initially slow moving and confusing, but when it settles it turns into both a very entertaining movie and a decent history lesson. Tom Hanks, Mark Rylance and Amy Ryan are all on fantastic form.

Jihad Jane   Wed   9/9   RTE1 @ 21.35

Colleen LaRose and Jamie Paulin Ramirez were two American women who became involved with radical Islamic terrorists in the early part of this decade. The media demonised them but there was a lot more to their story than what we heard. A compelling documentary that humanises it's subjects while looking at the issues that attract lonely individuals to this way of life. Plus there's an Irish link to the story that proves fact is often stranger than fiction.

The Sessions   Thur   10/9   CH4 @ 02.50

A man trapped in an iron lung feels he is missing out on living to his fullest so hires a therapist to help him out with one of life's most important rites of passage. Brave performances from Helen Hunt & John Hawkes fuel an affecting story. This is about a side of life with disability that most of us  never have to think about. It's a frank film that's both uplifting and upsetting and you'll be glad you watched it.

Paradox   Thur   10/9   Film4 @ 23.30

Pattaya in Thailand is a dark and sleazy place as Hong Kong cop Lee Chung Chi finds out when his teenage daughter is kidnapped while on holiday. So he does what all good fathers would do. A dark and violent thriller that will not be for everyone but it's worth sticking with for some blisteringly well choreographed fight scenes. Think Film Noir crossed with South East Asian cinema and you're there. Louis Koo is a solid lead.

The Mechanic   Fri   11/9   Syfy @ 21.00

Arthur's deadly at his job. Literally. When he's hired to do something he does it right. He's an assassin and people pick him because they know he's reliable. But his latest job is a complex one. Jason Statham's remake of the Charles Bronson thriller is a satisfying watch, muscular, bruising, brutal in places, exciting in others. The Stath does his usual thing but Ben Foster and Donald Sutherland add a touch of class to proceedings.

Zodiac   Fri   11/9   BBC1 @ 22.45

Someone is killing people in the bay area around San Francisco and three men become obsessed with finding out who. An obsession that became all consuming and unending. Forget Fight Club, this is  David Fincher's masterpiece. A meticulously put together film full of darkness that still manages to find time for some much needed humour. Robert Downey Jr, Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo put in career best turns here.

Video Nasties rewatch Part 7 - Blood Rites

Blood Rites is one of the more unusual films on the video nasties list. A period piece that isn't nazisploitation for once. It's the oldest movie of the list. Easily one of the tamest (except for one scene). Filled with dreadful acting, as is par for the course at this stage. But...I'm loving it. And I don't know why.

3 sisters are invited to a reading of their father's will on an island estate near New York City. Their husbands tag along because a film like this needs cannon fodder to wipe out. They arrive on the island to revisit the home they grew up in as children and find it being ran by a maid called Ruth and two others, one being a handyman who, to put it mildly, is troubled. Before his estate can be settled they find themselves being wiped out one by one. The island is remote and hard to get to meaning the killer is one of the small group. A group about to get a lot smaller.

This is 71 minutes of utter camp that you can't help but enjoy and it's yet another bizarre entry on the nasties list. Most of the violence is offscreen or shot so confusingly that it's impossible to see what's going on. As far as I can see it's one 5 second moment that caused all the problems, as one of the husband's is disembowelled in a moment that cannot be taken seriously. It's basically someone sawing through clay. What makes it memorable though is the weird unsettling atmosphere that pervades throughout the movie. The extremely disorientating camerawork (Purposely done? I'm guessing not but it works). That bizarre moment of sexual tension between brothers is a definite eyebrow raiser early in the film. The rabbit scene. The feeling of sleaze that bleeds through despite the relative lack of sex or nudity. Then we have that eerie soundtrack, music that makes even a mealtime scene feel odd. Music that saves the film tbh.

The copy available on youtube is terrible quality, looking like it was sourced from an 8mm reel or a third generation VHS copy but it actually added to the fun of revisiting this because it's the same quality as the people watching in the early 80's during all that nasty hysteria would have had. I was only 4/5 at the time and missed out on that wonderful fans for film fans so it's nice to experience a frisson of all the fuss. Some films don't need to be rereleased in 1080p or 4K and this is one of them.

Ok. That was fun. A lot more fun than some of the shite on the list so far. I'm looking at you Beast In Heat.

Next up, more fun courtesy of Tom Savini and his glorious SFX. The Burning.

Sonny Capone

Last night I watched one of the worst films I've ever seen. It sounds like a broad statement but Sonny Capone is the kind of film you could use to torture someone for information with. The warning signs were there from the start. A voiceover that sounded like it was read from a cue card with no practice beforehand. The father in the kitchen wailing. Those Italian accents that sounded like something from a 6th class Christmas play. At first it seemed funny, something you could enjoy with a bag of cans. It's an Irish film you think to yourself. I'll give it a chance, it has to get better. 92 minutes later you're watching the credits rolling and you're thinking to yourself "How did it come to this?"

This is the story of Sonny Capone, an Irish/Italian who's just become the Capo Di Tutti Capi of the Italian mafia. As a child he was taken from Dublin to Italy by his mother and he worked his way up through the ranks until he hit the top. Life is good, he has a beautiful woman by his side and the respect of his caporegimes. He's spreading his wings, dealing in international affairs and about to go worldwide when a phonecall from a family member he didn't even know existed flips his life upside down. Now he's headed back to where it all started and he's going to paint the streets of the Irish capital a bright, spurting red.

This was awful. 92 minutes of irredeemable putrescence. A film that would make you embarrassed to be Irish. It's so bad you can't even laugh at it. At first you'll think it's a joke and then slowly you'll realise someone made this earnestly and you'll feel genuinely bad for them. But you'll feel worse for yourself. It's filled with the kind of acting that makes Fair City performances look masterful. Every direction the story takes is ill judged, offensive and awkward. Our hero shoots numerous innocent women in the head and kidnaps Jewish men to be put into gas chambers (I fuckin wish i was making this up). The bad guys all get subplots that go nowhere and the film uses their abuse and terrorisation of the ladies in their lives as comedy fodder. Everything you can think of here goes wrong. Sonny can't even cook convincingly.

There's story decisions in here that will drop your jaw, not in awe but in horror, the aforementioned gas chamber, the bewigged skeleton, the bad guy who loves to be cuckolded, his wife and her face licking fetish, the twist in the 80th minute that will make you guffaw at it's sheer awfulness, the treatment of the female reporter who's abduction and murder is played off like a comedy sketch, the bit with the priest (there's two, i'm still not sure which is worse). It feels like a film made by someone who's never seen a film before. Or for that matter heard a foreign accent either because good christ there's some doozies in here. Stop reading for a minute and do your best Super Mario accent. It's awful isn't it. But there's a good chance it's better than what you'll hear in this. Every Italian accent has a Dublin one bleeding into it. Every Irish woman onscreen sounds Eastern european. After a while you won't even hear what they're saying, you'll just be concentrating on how badly it's all being mangled.

But don't worry, you won't miss anything. The plot is as by the numbers as you'll ever get. A simple revenge flick. How could it possibly go wrong? Well watch this and find out. You've probably noticed there's no mention yet of leading actor, writer or director. That's because all three are the one person and I don't want to embarrass him because this is one he'll be leaving of his resume.

Christ.

This is streaming on google movies now. Don't you dare watch it.

Those goddamned 8 legged hell bastards

September. The best time of the year. Warm days and cold nights. The best of both worlds. You can get a bit of warmth on your face but you can sleep at night too.

The only downside is those arachnid fucks who insist on trespassing into my house. MY HOUSE. The barefaced cheek of them. They don't even knock and they've 8 limbs to do it with. There's no excuse. It's not good when you're on edge in your own home. When you're afraid to open a window in case you get an unwanted visitor.

An unwanted visitor who seems get bigger and hairier with every passing year. There were no big spiders when i was young. Now they're the size of the palm of your hand. And you can hear them scuttle. Scuttle. What a terrifying, unpredictable word. When you can hear a scuttle it implies size, weight, substance, DANGER. There's only one way to deal with them. None of this namby pamby picking them up and returning them to nature. Nope. You've got to pulverise them. Show them who's boss. Send em back to the hell dimension they came from. I recommend a good solid paperback thrown from a safe distance. It's messy but it's satisfying.

You've got to protect your castle.

The Binge

"Gonna get high, gonna get baked til every inch of us just aches. Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs, gonna do everything we grab. Take some shrooms, smoke some crack, chase the dragon and shoot some smack. Gonna get high, gonna get baked til every inch of us just aches. Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs, gonna do everything we grab. Gonna cook meth, going so far, gonna give hand jobs in the car. Gonna get high, gonna get baked, til every inch of us just aches.

The only thing that matters is we get so fucking hiiiiiiiiigggghhhhh."

When The Binge hits the musical moment it's been telegraphing since it's opening minutes you'll want to turn it off and run screaming from the room at that stage but you'll be so far in you'll have to keep watching just to see can it get any worse. Can it?

Boogie Nights. One of many films homaged during The Binge. When you see these little nods to classics you'll smile, feel a little smug maybe for getting the reference and then you'll feel wistful when you think you could be watching those instead of this piece of trash. The Binge is a bad film. It's painfully unfunny and you won't care whether the characters onscreen live or die. You'll feel bad about yourself for choosing to spend your time this way and worst of all, you'll feel auld and cranky that you're watching something this irresponsible. Why irresponsible? Yeah, let me tell you about the plot line.

Once a year in America all drugs are legal. People of course lose the run of themselves and go haywire. Towns and cities get trashed and the more responsible members of the community dread this annual event. People like Principal Carlson (Vince Vaughn). He wants his students to behave, to not indulge. His teenage students have no intention of listening to him at all, and 2 of them, Andrew (Eduardo Franco) and Hags (Dexter Darden), want to make a real name for themselves as party animals. The third part of this friend trio is Griffin (Skyler Gisondo), he's nervous, he's never even drank before, let alone done a line and the thought of The Binge terrifies him. Until he finds out the girl he fancies, Lena (Grace Van Dien), is dying to let her hair down. So he reluctantly joins in. Only one issue though, Lena is Principal Carlson's daughter and he's out to find her and keep her safe.

It sounds like a giggle doesn't it. A comedy about a subject on the lips of everyone. Set in a country with a massive problem with opioid drug abuse. Maybe it might be a commentary on the state of modern day USA and it's relationship with drugs with a few laughs thrown in. Plus the trailers make it look like a cross between Superbad and The Purge (a film with a similar storyline to this but replace drugs with crime) and those two films were good so it stands to reason this will be. Right? RIGHT? WRONG. We get cocaine races, a lot of walking, comedy hallucinations, exploding cows, sub Farrelly Brothers jokes about shit, piss and fucking and a turn from Vince Vaughn that would make you wonder how on earth he ever became famous. Leading man Skylar Gismondo (so good in Santa Clarita Diet) just looks embarrassed throughout and rightly so. It's lowest common denominator stuff that wastes every opportunity it has to take a pop at it's subject, instead going for the easy route everytime. Near the end we see someone overdosing and it's played off as a laugh. There's no repercussions, there's no morals, there's no point to any of it.

If you enjoy this, there's probably something broken inside you. It's dreadful, lazy, boring, meaningless. It's no surprise no studio would go near this leading to a streaming premiere. It's why you've heard nothing about this. Reefer Madness is edgier FFS.

Christ I feel like I should sign off on this review as 'Outraged from Tunbridge Wells'.

Streaming online now if you hate yourself.