The Mummy. It's shit.

Ya, I'd be keeping my eyes closed too if I  was in this muck.

Some mild spoilers.

I'm a bit rattled. I just saw a bad Tom Cruise film. This is rare. I don't like it. I'm discombobulated. I've always wanted to use the word discombobulated. And I'm ragin' I used it in this review.

I'm not taking the piss. I love his films usually. For me he's one of the last great movie stars left. I'll go see a film because he's in it. His films are always entertaining. Edge Of Tomorrow just rocks. The last bad film he made was.....hmmmm.......Mission Impossible 2......i think. And that's 17 years ago. Not bad going. Oh jesus I'm getting pigeon filled slo-mo flashbacks. Moving on.

The Mummy though. Feck. It's not good. It's a reboot of the old Universal films and supposedly the first in a new franchise called The Dark Universe that will bring back Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf-Man etc etc

Tom Cruise is in the army recon corps in Iraq when he comes across ancient tomb after a drone strike. Topical. But not just any ancient tomb. An Egyptian tomb. 1500 miles from Egypt. BTW I'll just call him Tom Cruise because I saw it less than 24 hrs ago and cannot for the life of me remember his character's name. Actually he isn't a character. He's just a grin blended up with a few quips. It's a greatest hits performance. Oh and he can run really fast. An ancient sarcophagus is found and put on a plane. Supernatural stuff happens. They end up in London. Russell Crowe turns up with a ludicrously hammy performance to make sure he gets to be the lead in part 2 of the franchise. A blonde woman (Annabelle Wallis) slaps Tom and puts in some of the worst acting I've seen this year. Like sub Fair City level acting. She can't even stand convincingly. Jake Johnson basically plays Griffin Dunne's role in An American Werewolf In London. Courtney B. Vance is utterly UTTERLY wasted. Sofia Boutella tries as the Mummy but is suffocated under crap CGI and horrible dialogue. 

If you are going to see this because you like the older Universal Mummy films, The Hammer Mummy films or the 1999 version, don't. It's as far from them as possible. They were charming, entertaining films. This is shit. It's a mess. It tries to be an action film, a comedy horror film and a straight horror film and fails at all 3. Miserably. 

I hate this type of tame family friendly horror too. Don't let the 15 cert fool you, it's about as terrifying as a toffee mouse. Horror is meant to scare you, repulse you, freak you out, make you uneasy, put you on edge, make you roar. If this does any of the above to you it's because you are 3 and have never seen a film before. The 1932 version of The Mummy is a PG film and is infinitely more scary and atmospheric than this. Suggestion, music and good storytelling will always make something scarier than any amount of ( surprisingly ropey) CGI and LOUD NOISES. This is committee film-making at it's most cynical. If you are going to make a scary film, make a scary film ffs. Film-makers shouldn't be hampered by the fact that they have to make their films family friendly but it's all about the €£$.

I sincerely hope this film is a nail in the coffin of this new franchise. It's a dire idea. No one ever asked for it. Universal has tried twice already to reinvigorate these films and there is just no audience for it. It's failed 3 times now. 2010's Wolfman was pretty decent but died on it's arse. Dracula Untold was middling and died on it's arse. This is bad and should by all right die on it's arse. 

Universal studios. Take a hint. Stop with this universe muck. Ye make enough money. 

Jesus I've seen some awful shit this year in the cinema. I need to cop myself on.