I do love the penultimate episode in each series of Game Of Thrones. It's when all the big stuff always happens. Last year Ned Stark lost his head. This year it's the Battle Of Blackwater bay. Next year.....who knows.
Stannis and his fleet are within grabbing distance of Blackwater bay, the port of King's Landing. There's a tonne of ships. Surely more than enough to take on the Lannister's.
Stannis is confident as hell. Ser Davos is slightly more wary because his son is on board too giving him another thing to worry about.
In King's Landing Tyrion has a lot of worries too. His city, his sister, his nieces and nephews and his lover Shae.
Cersei is taking advice from Maester Pycelle. And a bottle of poison too. Whats the poison for???
Not everyone is worried though. Bronn is on the lash with his fellow soldiers. When you've faced down death as many times as he has you just stop giving a damn I suppose. The men in the bar are singing the Lannister theme tune "The Rains Of Castamere", a song that never bodes well for anyone.
Game Of Thrones is so dedicated to being on brand that it manages to fit in some skin *Gratuitous nudity klaxon* into this bar scene too. That's rapidly interrupted when the Hound rocks up for a drink though. He has no truck with men like Bronn and soon enough they are facing off in a brilliantly tense moment.
Until the bells of war stops their nonsense. Stannis is near. Time for battle stations. Men like Bronn & the Hound live to kill but men like Varys and Tyrion are rather more scared. Varys offers Tyrion a chance to run but he can't. He's a Lannister and he needs to stand and fight too.
Bronn is part of Tyrion's plan. They see each other off. They've become friends. Tyrion has too many people to worry about. Even Sansa is in his thoughts. She's in Joffrey's thoughts too. Joffrey is looking confident. I would be too if the Hound was behind me.
Sansa wishes Joffrey well. It's great seeing her face light up when she realises he'll be in the thick of it all. Her wishes ring hollow. She wants to see him die. Don't we all sure.
The Lannister forces are on the walls en masse. Surely the walls of King's Landing can't be breached. The lack of Lannister ships in the bay is troubling Joffrey but it's all part of Tyrion's master plan.
The lack of Lannister ships is troubling Ser Davos too. He knows the Lannisters are not going to be caught out. OH MAN THE TENSION IS MIGHTY.
The women of King's Landing are hidden away. Cersei and Sansa protected by the man who took Sansa's father's head, Ser Ilyn Payne. A man there to kill them both in the event of capture.
In the bay one lone Lannister ship sails towards Stannis's fleet. A lone ship leaking wildfire into the water. The water all around their ships. At Tyrion's signal Bronn fires a lit arrow into the wildfire.
Stannis's fleet is decimated. Dozens of ships, hundreds of men blown apart in one fell swoop. WOW. Ser Davos' sons is among the dead but he gets blown into the water. Even the Hound is awed by this vulgar display of power. Scared too. Fire is the only thing that scares him.
There's still plenty of Stannis's men left though. More than enough to storm the beaches but now the teams are leveled. Stannis has survived too. He wants blood.
Down below the city Cersei is mangled on wine and spilling home truths about her family. In Vino veritas. She knows Sansa hates them all. She has no belief in the gods. All she cares about is her kids.
Meanwhile the Baratheon men are ashore. The Hound is relishing the opportunity to kill. Joffrey predictably is terrified. His opposite Stannis is quite different to him and leads his men ashore to breach the walls this long ladders.
The violence on display is quite staggering. Head are mushed. Faced pierced with fiery arrows. Bodies are cleaved in two. Season 2 earns it's 18 certificate in 5 minutes here.
Down with Cersei it's violent too. In a more psychological way. She's laying out Sansa's future before her in no uncertain terms. It's going to be a horrible future if Joffrey survives the battle.
Lancel Lannister turns up wounded. It puts the fear of god in Cersei. She demands Joffrey leave the battle at once. A move she knows will have him mocked but his safety is more important.
On the beach the Hound is murdering everyone in sight until a man in flames breaks his brain and forces him to turn tail and run. He's had enough. You can see it in his eyes.
Stannis and his men are winning. The siege ladders are up and the Lannister's are taking massive losses. The Hound walking away from battle has horrified Joffrey and Tyrion. "Fuck the king." What a quote. Said right to Joffrey's face. Joyous.
With the Hound absent Tyrion pleads with Joffrey to lead his men. Joffrey chickens out. Tyrion has to stand tall and he does so with aplomb giving a speech for the ages. Plus he's going to lead the attack. Gwan Tyrion.
Below Cersei has lost all pretence of being a leader. Sansa stands tall too. Inspiring confidence. Shae then convinces her to get out. On her way she meets the Hound who promises to get her out. Part of his fuck you to Joffrey.
Knowing the secrets of the city Tyrion leads the men on a secret attack. They come up behind Stannis's men and mince them with ease. Or so they think.
The remainder of the enemy attacks. Tyrion is attacked by one of his own men, on Joffrey's orders no doubt. His servant Pod saves him but not before he's left with a massive facial scar. Another thing to set him apart from a world that always laughs at him.
In the Throne room Cersei sits with her son Tommen. The poison she received earlier standing by for both of them. She truly loves her kids but no one is taking them from her and she's not going to let herself be raped by another Baratheon man.
Just as Stannis is about to win a huge army on horseback rides in to save the day. They decimate the enemy. Just before Tyrion fades into unconsciousness he realises his father Tywin has come home to save King's Landing. Stannis is forced to retreat.
In the throne room Loras Tyrell turns up just in time to stop Cersei committing infanticide. Phew.
That was mega. A brilliant episode made better by not constantly switching between locales. It all took place in King's Landing. No Jon, no Daenerys, no Arya, no Robb or Catelyn. That was a very satisfying watch.
Next up - Valar Morghulis
Series 1 - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Series 2 - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
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