The Nun

James Wan directed The Conjuring in 2013. It was a fine horror story full of likable characters and performances and one that was surprisingly subdued, well for the most part, for a modern horror. It was grand. No one expected it to be the start of a cinematic universe (god I hate that term) but it made a lot of money and that's how Hollywood works these days. The Conjuring 2 and Annabelle 1 & 2 all followed. Bear with me for a second and I'll explain the time line. The Conjuring came first and then the first Annabelle film which was a prequel to it. Then The Conjuring 2 arrived followed by the second Annabelle film which was a prequel to the first Annabelle film (?!) and now we have The Nun which is a spin off from The Conjuring 2 but is set before ALL the others. I think. Right? Jesus it's confusing. Ok, The Nun. Hmmmm. Directed by Corin Hardy who made the solid Irish set horror The Hallow in 2015.

Romania. 1952. A priest, Father Burke and a trainee nun, Irene, arrive at Cârța Monastery to investigate strange occurrences after a nun takes her own life. Their guide is a young French Canadian man called Frenchie who found the body and who is hesitant to return to the scene. The villagers in the small town below the monastery are so scared of the place that they don't even say it's name and once the trio arrive at the doors they realise exactly why the place inspires such fear.

Scary nuns are nothing new. Powell & Pressberger were scaring us with one in the Black Narcissus back in the forties. in 1979 Anita Ekberg was a Killer Nun with a habit ( get it!! habit....sorry) of syringing peoples eyes. Vanessa Redgrave freaked us out a long time ago as a bride of Christ diddling herself with the charred femur of her executed lover in The Devils. Even the Chicago based Penguin of the Blues Brothers gave us the fear. The scary nun of this film isn't a patch on any one them. TBH, it doesn't deserve to share a paragraph with them. You see, The Nun is bad. It fails miserably at being a horror by not being scary in the slightest, it's riddled with plotholes and dead ends, it leans way too heavily on the jump scare/loud noise cliches of modern horror and to top it off it manages to make its 96 minute running time feel about twice that. All that said it's still better than the Annabelle entries mentioned above but that's damning it with very faint praise.

Taissa Farmiga as Irene and Demián Bichir as Father Burke are the only really good thing about it all. They genuinely try their best and play the whole thing completely straight, Irene the wide eyed innocent who telegraphs her entire storyline early on and Burke as the gruff, seen it all priest who will get the job done. Two fine actors who really deserve better than this. Other moments only entertain because they bring to mind better scenes from better films. A moment of subterranean trauma comes directly from Lucio Fulci's City Of The Living Dead and Wes Craven's The Serpent And The Rainbow, an early carriage ride through the woods tips it's hat to many, many similar scenes in Hammer horror movies, bloody visions throughout the film would feel right at home in Event Horizon and so on. The entire yarn is really just a collection of things a seasoned horror fan will spot right away. It brings nothing new to the table. Nothing. One intriguing aside about damage done during World War 2 suggests we might be looking at a storyline about evil not always being supernatural but nothing comes of it and it's a pity because it might have added a much needed bit of depth.

It's just another cynical money making exercise, a way to pad out a franchise that shouldn't really exist. It kind of ties in with The Conjuring 2 but there's no substance to it at all and to add insult to injury it ends in such a way that there will have to be a sequel. A sequel to a prequel to a sequel *head explodes*. And of course it follows the franchise rules that say each successive entry must be on a bigger scale, must be louder, must have more CGI. This might share dna with The Conjuring but one scene involving shotguns, histrionic screaming, whirlpools and famous bodily fluids shows just how much that dna has been tainted by the need to turn everything up to 11. Give me a few creaky floorboards or a dark shadow any day. The words subtlety and suggestion mean nothing here. 

It's not good. And it will make a tonne of money. And like a fuckin eejit, I'll be here moaning about The Nun 2 : Nun Harder sometime in the future. Go see Black 47 instead. 

12 films worth watching on TV this week

Mambo Kings   Sat   8/9   TG4 @ 22.35

After a spot of bother in Cuban, two brothers leg it to America in the hopes of reviving their musical careers under the bright lights of New York City. Not exactly a deep film but electrifying music and two great performances from Antonio Banderas and the underrated Armande Assante bring a story to life and fill it with vitality. Plus it's also good to see a story about Latin Americans that isn't about criminality.

Drive   Sat   8/9   BBC2 @ 23.00

Ryan Gosling plays a Hollywood stunt driver who's second job is as a getaway driver for criminals. When he tries to take a step back from crime he finds out just how highly valued his skills are. A very watchable blend of style and violence that might be a bit too rough for some but if you can stick with it you'll be sucked in fast. The cast including Gosling, Carey Mulligan, Bryan Cranston and Oscar Isaac all do first rate work.

Mr Smith Goes To Washington   Sun   9/9   TCM @ 10.20

Naivety and idealism clashes with corruption and cynicism in this 1939 classic which sees a wide eyed scout master elected into government. Controversial in its day for portraying bent politicians and pretty quaint to modern eyes but there's just something very charming and  likable about this. Most of that is of course down to yet another winning  performance from James Stewart. Jean Arthur & Claude Rains are excellent in back up.

Killing Them Softly   Sun   9/9   Film4 @ 23.10

Brad Pitt stars in this compelling & bluntly cynical thriller as a hitman brought in by the local mafia to deal with a robbery at a card game. Dark, gritty and blackly funny, this is a gangster film by way of Ken Loach not Martin Scorsese. There's no glamourisation of mob life here. Pitt is brilliant in the lead and James Gandolfini, Ray Liotta and Richard Jenkins lend superb support. All this and it has one of the best all time final lines of dialogue in film

9/11   Mon   10/9   RTE2 @ 00.35

17 years ago lower Manhattan was decimated in a terrorist attack and 2 brothers making a documentary about rookie firefighters documented it all. This is their footage. A genuinely terrifying and very upsetting watch about a moment in history imprinted on the mind of everyone alive that day that somehow becomes a testament to the sheer spirit of New Yorkers.

Black Mountain Poets   Tues   11/9   Film4 @ 01.55

When their life of crime goes sideways two sisters go on the run and find themselves in the wilds of Wales hiding out in a place they could never have imagined. A place that could be very beneficial to them. Alice Lowe and Dolly Wells are very entertaining in this interesting and underseen British comedy that is on at a ridiculous time for some reason. Full of beautiful scenery too.

Key Largo   Tues   11/9   TCM @ 17.15

Crime drama par excellence time. A war veteran arrives in the Florida Keys to visit the family of a dead comrade and finds that all is not well in the hotel they run. John Huston's 1948 thriller is an absolute cracker of a watch. Tense as hell, action packed stuff that's full of the superstars of the era including Humphrey Bogart as the lead, Lauren Bacall, Lionel Barrymore and the always fantastic Edward G.Robinson.

Handsome Devil   Wed   12/9   RTE1 @ 21.35

Ned sticks out like a sore thumb at his new school due to his lack of interest in sports and it isn't until he gets a new room-mate that things start going right for him. John Butler's coming of age film is a lovely watch, heartbreaking in places and hilarious in others. A fine Irish cast brings it all together too, with Moe Dunford, Andrew Scott, Fionn O'Shea and others all putting in a splendid shift.

Lockout   Wed   12/9   Film4 @ 23.10

Snow has been accused of treason and his only way out is to rescue the daughter of the President. Of course she's trapped onboard a space prison and of course that prison is in the midst of a riot. Yes, it sounds idiotic and yes it sounds like a rip off of Escape From New York but it's also an extremely enjoyable watch. Guy Pearce is a fun lead but Joseph Gilgun as the prisoner in charge steals the show.

The Sessions   Thur   13/9   CH4 @ 01.00

A man trapped in an iron lung feels he is missing out on living to his fullest so hires a therapist to help him out with one of life's important rites of passage. Very brave performances from Helen Hunt & John Hawkes carry a very affecting story. This is about a side of life with disability that most of us thankfully never have to think about. Frank, uplifting and upsetting but you'll be glad you watched it.

Starship Troopers   Fri   14/9   Syfy @ 22.00

Giant insects from outer space are threatening Earth. So Earth decides to send its best and brightest to threaten them back. Paul Verhoevens sci-fi spectacular may sound stupid but it's actually a very clever satire of fascism as well as being a deadly action film. 20 years on and the special effects are still amazing too. The cast is fun with Neil Patrick Harris and Clancy Brown being the standouts.

Still Alice   Fri   14/9   RTE1 @ 23.55

Alice has been forgetting things lately and when it starts affecting her job she decides to get herself checked out. The diagnosis is a life changer for herself and her family. An undeniably tough watch but a magnificent performance from Julianne Moore and strong support from Alec Baldwin and Kirsten Stewart raise this high above the usual films of this type and save it from mawkishness and sentimentality.

American Animals

This is not based on a true story.

This is                      a true story.

3 young men idle restlessly in a library. A 4th sits behind the wheel of a car running outside. Old age makeup and fake beards hide their youthful faces. Furtive sweaty glances are thrown around the room. The tension is palpable. They are about to steal something very expensive. They are working off a half arsed plan. Their entire future is at stake.

Spencer Reinhard was a new art student at Transylvania University in Kentucky in 2003. During orientation he was given a tour of the campus and shown a collection of priceless books stored in the school's library. His lunatic best friend Warren Lipka decides that stealing these books will liven things up for himself and bring a bit of a spark back into the apathetic Spencer's life. 

Everyone has that one friend, the one who can talk you into doing anything, no matter who stupid it is or how dangerous. The person that adds the spice to a group. The one you want to live up to no matter how badly hurt you'll get. Warren Lipka was one such person and he's one of the main reasons why American Animals is so entertaining. A character you'll love to hate but one that will keep you glued to the screen. He's the polar opposite of Spencer. A young man on the verge of an existential crisis. The character that gives the films it's soul. This energy and sensitivity combined turns American Animals into a compelling morality tale, in places almost a comedy but still a film that will rattle you with its nail chewing tension and it's depressing take on the state of the psyches of today's youth. 

It sounds like a straightforward watch but it has enough uniqueness and quirks to make it stand out from the already crowded heist movie genre. The docudrama format helps. Slotted in throughout are asides from the real people involved, their recollections jarring with each other constantly and at times they even share the screen with their cinematic counterparts and argue about how things really went down. Hair, scarves, times, places, everything is confused and you aren't sure who or what to believe and in an era of #fakenews it makes a 15 year old story feel very topical indeed. Then when you add euro-horror maestro Udo Kier into the mix in a cameo as a Dutch fence or Donovan's truly unsettling classic 60's song 'Hurdygurdy man' things really start feeling nicely off-kilter.

Kids these days are told they are perfect, special, capable of anything. It's a positive, forward way to think but it has the downside of creating narcissists who can't cope when things don't go their way. They fall into a pit of ennui or become raging egotists and only something big is enough to move them. Cross that with a generation who've grown up compulsively consuming media and you get a group who think they've got what it takes to pull off what they've seen in the movies. An early scene sees our two leads binge watching heist films like Rififi, Thief, The Driver, The Thomas Crown Affair, Asphalt Jungle and Reservoir Dogs. Warren sees himself in the black and white world of Sterling Hayden's crime drama, quotes the Matrix and even uses the colour coded system of Dogs which inevitably leads to arguments over the use of Mr Pink cos young men and pink = lots of insecurity. Unlike Reservoir Dogs though here we actually see the heist take place and it's a masterpiece of nauseous tension and Murphy's Law.

Our own Barry Keoghan as Spencer is the heart of the movie and once again he shows he has the chops to do anything. He's not an Irish lad playing an American. He becomes American. The tortured teenage artist we've seen in a 1000 other American films. If you hadn't seen him before you'd never think he started off as the little bastard machine gunning cats in Love/Hate. Evan Peters as Warren is electric. Totally believable as the absolute bullshitter we've all experienced who has the gift to make people believe they are capable of anything. When he's onscreen you want to throttle him, but you also kind of want to hang out with him just to see what kind of fun he could make happen. Blake Jenner and  Jared Abrahamson play two fellow students roped into the robbery but appear too late in the film to make much of an impact. One's a shouter and one's a worrier, their character's aren't developed much beyond that and it's the film's one failing.

An unusual film but one really worth seeing. A story nearly too stupid to be true filled with details that sound made up (Transylvania University..seriously!) but one that proves the old maxim to be true once again: Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. It's also funnier and more disturbing.

Burt Reynolds RIP

It was sad to hear of Burt Reynolds passing yesterday. An actor out of the spotlight lately but he was the man back in the day. One of those effortlessly cool actors who could do it all. Ladies man. Bingo. Action hero. Done. Comedian. Definitely. Serious stuff. Sure, when he wanted to. The type of person who should be annoying because they are good at everything but there was just something so very likable about him. His self deprecation maybe? It's hard not to take to people who are willing to take the piss out of themselves. It's a fine virtue to have. Plus he rocked a wicked moustache.

People older than 30 will remember him the best. Making Buford T Justice look like a fool during his bootleg beer runs to Georgia. Inspiring children all over the world to become aspiring CB radio enthuasiasts and shout "10-4 good buddy" as they ran around. Tearing up Kansas with Clint in City Heat. Pulling off one of the all time best car stunts in Hooper when his red Pontiac just misses being crushed by a falling chimney tower ( a stunt that would never be done today). Saving Jon Voight from a horrific fate in Deliverance by racing to the rescue and skewering sadistic hillbilly's with arrows. The venal and corrupt Avery Carrington from Grand Theft Auto : Vice City, one of the more entertaining characters of the series. The lead of the terrible but very entertaining Cannonball run and Earl the shifty sheriff in love with Mona in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Films that were a staple of TV in the 80's and 90's but sadly never seem to appear any more.

His comeback in the late 90's went awry. He was fantastic in Boogie Nights and even snagged an Oscar nomination but behind the scenes strife and egotism made sure he never took full advantage of his reinvigorated career and so was on a downhill slope from there. He worked right up until his death but never managed to take flight again. It was a pity. He was far more likable and charismatic than most of Hollywood's power players today. More willing to take risks and to take the piss out of his self image. His last job was in Quentin Tarantino's upcoming Once Upon A Time In Hollywood but sadly his heart gave out before he could film his scenes. What could have been eh?

So long Bandit. You'll be missed. You always made everything that little more interesting. Keep on truckin'.

Black 47

In the years between 1845 and 1849 our country was decimated by famine. We lost 2 million people, a quarter of our population, half of them emigrating and half dying of starvation and disease. It's a subject every Irish person is taught about from a young age. It's in our blood. We're seeped in passed down memories of it. We wear it on our souls. In our names. It could be argued strongly that it was genocide but what it definitely was, was a tragedy on a massive scale. Huge swathes of our history, populace and culture were lost, rotted away, shipped off, never to be seen or heard again. Tomes have been written about it all. How it started, who was to blame (England), it's long lasting after effects. Every aspect of it. But there's never been a film made about it. It was too raw a nerve. Until now. Black 47 is a revenge thriller/western set during an Gorta Mór and it's really worth a watch.

Martin Feeney (James Frecheville) has come home from the war to Connemara and stumbles across a scene of devastation. His family is gone and his homestead is in ruins. What he sees enrages him and he sets out to get revenge on the English landlords evicting starving people from their homes and selling the grain from their mouths and the Irish who have turned on their own. When his actions gain notoriety an ex-soldier called Hannah (Hugo Weaving) who once fought beside him is sent to hunt him down.

This was tough stuff but I really really liked it. It's not exactly an enjoyable film as you can imagine but it had me hooked straight away. We never make films like this so this was something I've been looking forward to for months. And thankfully it didn't disappoint at all. The cast is superb, the accents are thankfully flawless, the story is gripping and the bursts of bloody action will make your knuckles white. It looks great too, the drab bleached out cinematography showing the decay, the desolation, the rot and the drawn faces perfectly but never hiding the stark beauty of our countryside. 

It's an Irish story through and through. With a lot of genre films you could take the story and transplant it anywhere but not this one. It packs in so many cultural touchstones that it could only be set here. Taking the soup is a phrase you'd never again use in a jeering way after this. The use of the Irish language is done perfectly too. Interweaved into the dialogue in a way that would get your heart pumping especially when used in defiance against oppressors. I never thought hearing the language I despised in school would make me proud.

It's not the action film promised in the trailers but the brief flurries of it work because you're genuinely caught up in the story and you empathise with the lead character. James Frecheville as Feeney does fine work and thankfully he nails the accent and the Irish language. If you didn't know anything about him you'd be surprised to find out he's from Australia. His character and his stoicness bring to mind the lead character of film I've seen this one compared to the most; The Outlaw Josey Wales. It has a similar story alright but the tone and feel of it is a lot darker. There's been arguments online that this isn't a western. Nonsense. It's a man on horseback out for revenge against evil land owners. A storyline that's been a staple of the genre since day dot. Plus it's set in the West of Ireland. And the icing on the cake is the lead character's name. Martin Feeney. Also the name of arguably the most important director of Western movies, John Ford, originally John Martin Feeney. So there.

Speaking of darkness, it's not a black and white affair either. Yes, there's a clear good guy and bad guys but the shades of gray in between surprised me and add plenty of depth to a story that could be accused of being a bit thin. We like to blame the English for it all but some of our own played a part too. Moe Dunford is particularly nasty in a small part of an Irish enforcer who doesn't realise he's an English puppet while Stephen Rea as Coneelly the translator has fun as a man playing both sides and Barry Keoghan as a British soldier has an affecting moment when he realises that he isn't on the side of the angels as he'd been taught. Hannah is played by Hugo Weaving. It's probably the most traditional role in the film but he does well as he slowly throws off the murderous image we'd had of him at the start of the film and becomes human. A quiet moment between the leads in the dark of Connemara countryside is a nice respite from the chaos.

The downside. There's always one. The opening third is gripping in it's immediate rawness and the finish is a cracker but the middle section feels a bit static at times and I felt like it was due to director Lance Daly's decision to hold back on depicting the grimmer aspects of Feeney's revenge. We see the build up and the aftermath but at the climactic moments the scene cuts away to the group chasing him. It feels like we're missing out the release of the tension that gets built up, a much needed catharsis after the horrors of the first third of the film. It's a small thing that annoyed me but that might just be my bloodthirsty and patriotic side showing. 

Go see this. It's getting a massive release this weekend and looks fantastic on the big screen. Equal parts history lesson and revenge fantasy and blended together it makes for a heady watch. Director Daly and writers Pierce Ryan and PJ Dillon have created something to be really proud of. It's going to sit proudly beside on my western shelf when it gets released on blu-ray.

Probably best to avoid talking to anyone English for 24 hrs or so after viewing though.

A perfect pairing of sound & vision. The Princess Bride : Inigo Montoya's Revenge Story

Inigo, Fezzik and Vizzini have just kidnapped Buttercup; a woman being forced to marry Prince Humperdinck of Florin. Their intention is to start a war but a masked stranger following them has no intention of letting that happen. He follows them across the sea to the cliffs of Insanity and at the top him and Inigo face off against each other. 

But first they have a chat.



A combination of Mark Knopfler's gorgeous score and Mandy Patinkin's dulcet tones help us realise there's far more to Inigo than meets the eye. He's not just the one note brigand we've assumed but rather a man forced into a life he hadn't planned in order to achieve a greater good. The way he talks about his Da and his love for him makes us realise that the soul of the film doesn't lie with Wesley and Buttercup but with Inigo's search for justice.

A funny, touching and brilliantly realised moment. With great music.

Previous pairings

American Honey
Snake In The Eagle's Shadow
On Her Majesty's Secret Service
The Untouchables
Airplane!
Dazed And Confused  
Kickboxer                                  
Grosse Point Blank
Mean Streets
Watership Down
Casablanca
Zodiac
Jackie Brown
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
Deliverance
The Omen
Copland
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The Mission
Before Sunset
Carlito's Way
A Knight's Tale
Platoon
Before Sunrise
Rushmore
An American Werewolf In London
Dazed And Confused
Boogie Nights
Raging Bull
Almost Famous
Once Upon A Time In The West
Goodfellas

Last Of The Mohicans

Upgrade

It's been a while since I've wanted to jump up during a film and shout "FUCK YES!!!" at the cinema screen. I've only actually done it once, during James Braddock's comeback in Cinderella Man but that's a long time ago now and I still cringe thinking about it. Seeing Upgrade in the cinema on Friday made that old feeling came back. Thankfully I managed to not make an ape out of myself this time but I love when a film can have that effect on me. Upgrade mightn't be great but jesus it's great fun at times. Leigh Whannell is best known as the writer of numerous Saw and Insidious films. Not films that are particularly good to be honest but they've all done well at the box office which has given him plenty off freedom to go off and do his own thing away from franchise work. He wrote the 2014 film Cooties that was a fun and entertainingly gooey high school horror and now he has written and directed Upgrade. A science fiction/body horror film that in my opinion wees on everything else he has done from a height.

It's the near future. Technology plays a massive and intrusive part in everything we do. Grey is an old school mechanic who does not like the direction modern life has taken. He is not a fan of the automated world around him but when an accident and the mugging that follows brings tragedy into his life the insertion of a chip called a STEM into his spine is the only thing will get him back on his feet. And with the help of STEM he sets out for answers but a suspicious detective called Cortez realises there's more to the accident and to Grey than meets the eye. On top of that, technology is snakey. Very snakey indeed.

I enjoyed myself with this one. It's a brutally efficient and entertaining piece of work that feels like a throwback to the sci-fi/actioners of the 80's and 90's but in the best possible way. It's like the grumpy lovechild of Paul Verhoeven and David Cronenberg. Packed full of darkness, wince worthy bodily trauma, some very funny moments that take the edge off the carnage and it's all pinned down by a great performance from Logan Marshall-Green as a man who grows to love a bit of new found power. It takes a while to find it's groove but when it does it really takes off with a fight scene that will leave you grinning from ear to ear. 

Whannell shoots his action as clearly and efficiently as Grey deals with the obstacles placed in the path of his quest for answers. A few fun camera flourishes aside it's very economically done and fun to watch. But the joy of these moments isn't the viciousness on display. It's Grey's reaction to it all. With STEM in control he's both an active participant in the action and a shocked spectator and Green's facial expressions really sell it to us and Whannell is wise enough to let us dwell on those expressions during the more brutal moments. It's this decision to hold back some bit stops the film from falling into 18 certificate gorefest territory. That said there's still enough nastiness here to sate any bloodlust.

It's not all good though. I get the idea that perpetual gloom and bland soupy darkness always indicates a murky future but it doesn't make for a very visually exciting film. I know it's shot that way in part to cover up it's obvious low budget but it does get a bit grating. That blandness extends to the bad guys and henchmen in Grey's way too. They are not one bit memorable and only a hilariously OTT moment involving a sneeze and an angry bartender will stick with you. The same is true of Detective Cortez, the woman on the trail of Grey. Betty Gabriel does her best in a woefully underwritten part but nothing about her part of the story will grip you either. The film is at it's bloody best when the spotlight is on Grey. A scene of him facing down a bar full of lowlifes while sitting in a wheel chair is a joy and a scene of him chasing an adversary through a warehouse full of zombified VR junkies will leave you gripping your armrest then dropping your jaw with it's conclusion. The more squeamish moments and the laughs compliment each other too, one giving you a vicarious thrill and the other giving you a moment to relax.

It's far from perfect but when it works it really works. Well worth a watch if you aren't afraid of a bit of crunchiness and at 100 minutes long it doesn't give you a chance to get bored. Logan Marshall-Green should be getting the roles Tom Hardy always wins. He looks very like him but he's a far more interesting actor and I hope he keeps dipping his toes in genre waters.

New TV for the autumn

Autumn always sees a flood of new TV shows and this year is no different. But because there are more streaming platforms and more TV channels than ever before the flood is turning into a deluge. There's way too much to watch so here's 10 I think will be worth giving a go at least. Ya I know it's nearly all American but one thing that country does well is good TV. When possible I'll give info on how to watch and I won't judge when people decide to go off the beaten track to watch either......

The Romanoffs

Diane Lane, Corey Stoll, Christina Hendricks, Aaron Eckhart, Clea Duvall, Noah Wylie, Isabella Hubert and many more star in this story of a group of people claiming to be descended from The Romanoffs, royalty long thought decimated in the 1918 Russian uprising. From the pen of Matthew Weiner who created Mad Men. Even the description of this one oozes class. Amazon Prime in October.

Narcos : Mexico

A old show but one rebooting itself for Season 4. This time instead of Colombia we travel to 1980's Mexico to see the devastating effect the drug cartels have on the country and it's psyche. The brilliant Michael Peña (above) plays a DEA agent charged with infiltrating the Guadalajara cartel. If it's anything like the 3 seasons before it, it should be great. This will be on Netflix soon.

Forever

June and Oscar have been married for ages and things are getting stale. So they decide to do something about it. This new comedy sounds like a million before it but Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen are two brilliant comedians so I've a feeling this will be something special. Amazon Prime in september.

Jack Ryan

Tom Clancy's series of Jack Ryan novels comes to TV with this Amazon show that's just debuted online. This time Jack is played by John Krasinski of The Office fame and is joined by Wendell Pierce as Admiral James Greer. I've seen 2 episodes of this. Its solid, crunchy entertainment and one that will fill that 24/Homeland shaped hole in your viewing. Amazon Prime from the 31st of August.

America To Me

A documentary set around a high school in Chicago and a microcosmic look at education, race and the general state of modern day America. This one comes from Steve James who made the phenomenal documentary Hoop Dreams and early word on this is saying it's eye opening and unmissable stuff. Most likely Sky Atlantic.

Kidding

Jim Carrey returns to TV properly for the first time in 24 years. Here he plays Mr Pickles, the friendly face of a famous TV show for kids who's personal life is slowly falling apart around him. And there's the brilliant Catherine Keener beside him, a brilliant actress who is ridiculously underused. This looks like it will be dark but funny. Hopefully leaning more towards the latter. Starting in September. Probably Sky Atlantic.

Mayans MC

If you liked Sons Of Anarchy you'll like this. Kurt Sutter's follow up TV show is a spin off of SOA set in the same universe but this time focussing on a Mexican biker gang called The Mayans. Hopefully it will be a lot more streamlined than the bloated beast Sons became in it's latter years. The always great Edward James Olmos is a regular and Ireland's own Sarah Bolger stars too. Starting next week. No idea where it will screen here yet.

The First

Loads of big film stars are appearing on the small screen this year and the latest is Sean Penn in this story of the first manned mission to Mars and the astronauts partaking in the perilous journey. This looks quality but hopefully it won't be too earnest. Channel 4 are showing this next month.

Dead Lucky

Rachel Griffiths who was so good as Brenda Chenowith in Six Feet Under returns to the small screen in this Australian miniseries about an obsessed detective. It's only 4 episodes but the best thing about a miniseries is there's no filler, it's all story with no padding. No idea where this will be shown/streamed. 

The Cool Kids

It's always good to have one old fashioned sitcom on the list and this is it. All comedy set in an old folk's home from the creators of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia about 3 old boys who think they are the business until a new arrival rattles them. How can it go wrong? I can see this turning up on E4.

The Happytime Murders

Adults of a certain vintage will see the trailer for The Happytime Murders and feel a pang of nostalgia for their youth. Echoes of running home from school or getting up early to watch Sesame Street or The Muppet Show will flood back. Laughing at Gonzo falling over or Miss Piggy's uber notions. Learning from the Count and wondering that adventures the Pigs In Space will have this week. These fun recollections will make you want to watch this new movie and relive your childhood for an hour or two. Don't do it. You'll ruin your precious memories. Cos it's fuckin shite.

Phil Phillips is a cop turned gumshoe in Los Angeles. He's also a puppet and lives in a world where puppets co-exist with humans. Sadly they are treated like second class citizens apart from a select few famous faces from the Happytime TV show. While working a clue on a case Phil is caught up in a massacre which leads to him working with his old cop partner Connie and together they travel into the puppet underworld to stop the maelstorm of madness building around them.

This could have been great. Sam Spade meets Swedish Chef. The trappings of film noir are all present, a detective agency with a seemingly ditsy secretary, the constant smoking, a sultry femme fatale, the world weary voice-over and the deep dives into the seedier side of life. Then we have the film's blunt take on the treatment of puppets mirroring the modern day treatment of minorities in America that strikes a couple of sharp notes (skin lightening and police mistreatment) but none of it gels together, nothing. 

It feels slapdash and cheap and it commits the worst sin a comedy possibly can - it is not one bit funny. In fact it's awful. It's a nasty, mean spirited one trick pony that recycles it's one joke so much that you'll be tempted to get up and walk out on more than one occasion. Connie is played by Melissa McCarthy who once again shows that her quality control has gone out the window. She's game for a laugh but it's embarrassing watching an actress as good as her wandering through this garbage. All she does is swear and snort sugar. Seriously.

Your childhood memories gutted and splayed out on the floor

An early scene in a puppet porn shop will shock a laugh or two out of you but mostly you'll just want it to be over. A puppet smoking and swearing and indulging in athletic puppet loving is funny for about 30 seconds and then it gets old fast. It feels cynical and designed to shock but then really overplays its hand with one joke about inbred shrieking child puppets who are the product of incest. It's so horribly grim and jarring that it will leave a really bad taste in your mouth. All this and it isn't even original. An episode of Angel with a very similar tone and storyline (Smile Time) did this better 14 years ago and and in half the time. 

Don't waste your money on this. It's atrocious shite. It will be on Netflix within 12 months if you are really desperate to see it but otherwise don't bother. It's so bad that it's possible it could retroactively ruin your childhood. Melissa McCarthy needs a new agent pronto. I felt bad for her and Bill Barretta who was the voice of Phil. To go from the highs of Spy and The Muppet Show to this actually feels like career sabotage.

Muck.

11 films worth watching this week

Tremors   Sat   1/9   ITV4 @ 21.00

Giant underground worms attack a small desert town and two handymen lead the townsfolk as they fight back. So so much better than it sounds. An affectionate throwback to 1950's creature features, that's hilariously gooey and inventive fun. Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward are the lead pair and have a whale of a time doing it. The ropey special effects all add to the charm.

Demons   Sat   1/9   The Horror Channel @ 22.55

A group of cinema-goers invited to the premiere of a new horror film get more than they bargained for when the forces of evil swarm around them. Lamberto Bava's 1985 horror film is the most enjoyable movie you'll see all week. A nonsensical story, hilariously inept dubbing and gloriously gory effects all combine to make a splendid 90 minutes of fun. You will literally never forget Bobby Rhodes performance as Tony The Pimp. Guaranteed.

The Posideon Adventure   Sun   2/9   More4 @ 09.45

When their ship is struck and turned upside down by a rogue wave, a group of survivors struggle to escape the inverted chaos around them. Probably the best disaster movie of the 70's. A thrilling, scary, inventive joyride that for once was filled with characters you want to see survive instead of dying nastily. Gene Hackman, Shelley Winters, Roddy McDowall and Red Buttons all add to the fun.

The Money Pit   Sun   2/9   RTE1 @ 16.05

Anna and Walter think they've struck gold when they find a mansion being sold for peanuts. But there's a reason it's being sold for peanuts. A funny and in places hilarious look at the bizarre stresses people place on themselves in pursuit of a roof to put over their head. Shelley Long is good but Tom Hanks just owns this film. Watch for his reactions to carpet hi-jinx and a bathtub accident. If you don't laugh you are dead inside. 

Kinky Boots   Sun   2/9   BBC2 @ 23.00

Charlie has inherited his father's shoe business but he hasn't a notion about it. Lola is a drag queen who hates the footwear used in her job. Together they make unlikely partners. A thoroughly entertaining and absorbing watch that conveys a lovely message and one populated with warm, interesting characters. Chiwetel Ejiofor, Joel Edgerton and Sarah Jane Potts all do excellent work.

Rio Bravo   Mon   3/9   TCM @ 09.15

After he arrests the brother of a violent criminal thus setting off a countdown to violence, a sheriff trying to defend his little town enlists an unlikely crew of people to help him do his job. One of the quintessential westerns, this Howard Hawks directed movie is gorgeous to look at, great fun, has some super action and sees John Wayne give a performance that shows just why he was so popular. Dean Martin & Walter Brennan are class as always in support.

No Country For Old Men   Mon   3/9   TG4 @ 21.30

A man chasing deer finds himself in a world of hurt after he absconds with money found after a drug deal gone wrong. This neo-western from the Coen Brothers is a magnificent watch. A gripping thriller that will have you on the edge of your chair as the hunter becomes the hunted. The cast is amazing too with Josh Brolin, Kelly McDonald, Woody Harrelson, Tommy Lee Jones and Javier Bardem all on fire.

The Angel's Share   Tues   4/9   Film4 @ 23.05

4 Glaswegian teenagers on a road to rock bottom decide to pull off a whiskey heist to get themselves the means to get away from a miserable future. Director Ken Loach has weaved a delightful tale here. One that will upset you in places and give you a full on belly laugh in others. A warm look at the lives of people who are usually ignored. Paul Brannigan as Robbie is a talent to keep an eye out for in the future.

The 39 Steps   Thurs   6/9   BBC2 @ 14.15

While on holiday in London, a Canadian tourist finds himself embroiled in espionage type shenanigans and must go on the road to save himself and find justice for other. Alfred Hitchcock's classic spy thriller is 83 years old and still feels fresh as a daisy. It's an amusing and exciting watch filled with wonderfully witty dialogue. Robert Donat is a fine lead and as always keep an eye out for Hitchcock's obligatory cameo.

The Long Riders   Fri   7/9   TG4 @ 21.05

A unique take on the tale of Jesse James and his gang of outlaws. Not the story, that's very well told but nothing new, it's the casting that makes it stand out. The real life gang was made up of 4 sets of brothers and here they are played by real life brothers. The Carradines, the Keachs, the Quaids & the Guests. It's clever & ensures real chemistry. Walter Hill's film is violent, tense and very underrated. Lovely music from Ry Cooder too.

True Romance   Fri   7/9   Dave @ 21.40

A love at first sight couple go on the run to Los Angeles with a stolen suitcase in tow and the owners of the suitcase in pursuit. Tony Scott directs Quentin Tarantino's script and the result is one of the most engaging and quotable films of the 90's. Dark, hilarious, brutal and brilliant with a superb cast led by Christian Slater & Patricia Arquette with amazing back up from Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper.