The Sadness

The Sadness is the most violent horror film you'll see this year. It's probably the most violent horror film you'll watch this decade...nah, you know what, scratch that, it' might be the most violent horror film you'll ever see. Well unless you frequent the darker sides of the internet but that's a strange place for stranger people so let's just say The Sadness will freak you out.

There's something viral the air in Taipei, the capital of Taiwan and it's making people freak out. Not in an exasperated "FUCK IT ANYWAY!" kind of way but more dunk a person's head in boiling oil and then rip the melting flesh off their face kind of way. Jim (Berant Zhu) sees this happen up close and personal in his local cafe and his day is only going to get worse from there. Wholesale butchery is turning his city into a bloodstained warzone and no one knows why and all Jim can do is think about Kat (Regina Lei), his other half using the city subway to get to work. What she sees happen on a train carriage is enough to turn anyone catatonic for life but Kat is a hardy lady and now their mission is to fight their way across urban hell to reunite before the sadness catches up to them.

Jesus christ. JESUS CHRIST. That's all you'll be saying for the first hour of this topical gorefest. It's a vicious, insane assault on the senses that barely gives you time to catch your breath in between it's bouts of hideous bloodletting. It starts off fun in an "oh fuck" kind of way but eventually it's violence just becomes numbing and repetitive and by the gouged out eye socket rape scene (yeah you sadly read that right) you just want it to be over and done with and when the end does come it feels like Canadian writer/director Rob Jabbaz just flat out ran out of ideas letting it finish on a whimper instead of a roar. It's disappointing because that first and second act is just nonstop. We get to know and like Jim and Kat for a wee while until the plot separates them and then it's just chaos, lovingly designed gore setpieces hitting one after the other in a manner that will either have you running for the door or laughing your arse off.

An early gorefree moment sets the agenda though. Kat, reading in a train carriage, alone but surrounded by other commuters. An older man sits next to her and attempts conversation. It's innocent at first but imperceptibly turns sinister and then sickening. Jabbaz's message is clear, humanity can't help itself, even without that disease ripping the city apart above ground we're prey to our baser instincts and when the sadness does hit it just lets loose what we really want to do. In sanguis veritas if you will. It might be a cynical worldview but it's not far off the mark and it's compounded later on by the actions of a security guard that will have you hissing at the screen. But in films like this everyone gets what's coming to them and if it's blood and guts you want, you'll get all you'll ever need here.

With it's clearly, carefully shot and well choreographed action it's obvious Jabbaz has talent. His horror chops are strong too with some big nods to the likes of Irreversible and A Serbian Movie and Garth's Ennis's long running comic series Crossed. Like that comic The Sadness does at times go beyond the pale into a place that's flat out offensive and it's those couple of moments alongside a weak ending that may well stop this from becoming a horror favourite in years to come. 

The Sadness will be streaming on Shudder soon.

Ambulance

You go into a Michael Bay film with a lot of preconceived notions. It will be loud. It's camera work will give you a headache. It will be violent and profane and there will be a blatant disregard for the lives and bodily integrity of anyone other than the main cast. Ambulance ticks all these boxes but unlike everything Bay has made since 2003's Bad Boys II it will actually entertain you too. 

The glut of comic book blockbusters over the last decade has had a knock on uncanny valley effect on way too many action films with their directors shooting against green screens instead of on location and leaning on computer generated imagery instead of using practical effects and genuine stuntwork. Bay's latest movie feels decidedly old fashioned with it's action setpieces taking place in well known Los Angeles locations and at least two stunts that look like they were genuinely dangerous to film. It's just a pity he feels the need to film it in a manner guaranteed to give you a headache and or some kind of fit. The drone shots, oh lord, you'll laugh at them and pray that you'll never see their like again. Some of the more hilariously gratuitous ones will have you eyeing the interior of the ambulance onscreen for pain relief.

It's one that's driven by Cam Thompson (Eiza González) an EMT responding to a shots fired call in the aftermath of a disastrous bank robbery planned and carried out by Danny Sharp (Jake Gyllenhaal), a career criminal out for a massive score. Along for the ride is his adopted brother Will (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), an army veteran in desperate need of cash for an operation for his wife. When the SIS branch of the LAPD led by Captain Monroe (Garrett Dillahunt) foils their escape and kills the rest of the robbery crew the brothers in arms have no choice but to hijack Cam's ambulance and go on the run with a cop (Jackson White) accidentally shot by Will slowly bleeding out on a trolley in the back.

It's exactly how you'd imagine it. A quick intro to our characters and a huge Michael Mann aping shootout kick things into action within minutes and the next two hours are one chase after another interspersed with a bloody shoot out or two and the bare minimum of character building. Danny wants money, an FBI agent chasing them is gay, a cop loves his dog, Cam is great at her job and Will needs money. Only Will and Cam have any bit of depth to them and Cam's a genuine rarity in a Michael Bay film, a strong female lead who doesn't exist to be seen bending over a car bonnet in a bikini. Is this the start of a more mature era of Bayhem? A noticeable lack of CGI and leering camerawork? A willingness to take the piss out of himself (An early Rock joke mocking how long he's been doing this is a winner) and much smaller scale story? Ok, mature might be a stretch but after all those piss poor Transformers sequels and the awful 6 Underground it's nice to be entertained by his special brand of madness again.

It's far from perfect but it's a fun way to pass a couple of hours and for once the Bay trademark two hr plus running time isn't an issue because there's so much happening, often at once. Farting dogs, mobile surgery, splattering cops and seemingly every dodgy street corner in Los Angeles. Ambulance has it all.

X

A new Ti West film is always a cause for celebration. He's a horror director who loves the genre, who isn't afraid to stir the pot a bit. His new film X doesn't reinvent the slasher movie wheel but it has fun fucking with the formula and goddamn if the man isn't afraid of the red stuff. X is a film that earns it's 18 certificate and wears it with pride. In an age of tame that always feels refreshing. Let the head squashing commence.

Texas. The 70's. A woman runs screaming through a field from a rural farmhouse. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre vibes are undeniable. Leatherface isn't inside though. No, there's something far weirder than any bloke with a power tool. There's someone who wants to be loved and frustration can be a terrible thing, especially when temptation abounds. The gang have arrived at a farmhouse outside of Houston and they've pornography on their mind. The performers are Pearl (Mia Goth), Jackson (Kid Cudi) and Bobby Lynne (Britanny Snow). The crew are Lorraine (Jenna Ortega) and RJ (Owen Campbell) and directing the action is Wayne (Martin Henderson). RJ and Wayne have high hopes for their production, RJ's are artistic and Wayne's are financial. Texas though....morality's a strange thing in the hinterland, sex is the root of all evil but violence, well violence is just a way of life.

In the state of Texas a law exists called the Castle doctrine which means using force is reasonable and justified when another person: unlawfully or with force enters or attempts to enter your habitation, vehicle, or work-place. The back guys of X have technically done no wrong, especially when one of the good guys has encroached on them without permission and yeah Tobe Hooper riffed on this lawful madness back in 1974 with TCM but Ti West leaves the primal, terrifying side of horror to him and goes down a more enjoyable path . There's a lot of fun here before the blood starts to spill and even after it's rusty essence fills the air he still finds way to make you grin at the unfolding carnage. Sometimes you can guess how someone will bite the dust; one nature assisted death is telegraphed early in a beautiful overhead shot, but when it happens you'll still leap out of your chair. 

Other times you won't see it coming at all because of that aforementioned formula fucking. Slasher films can often be accused of slavishly sticking to genre rules but all it takes is a little spin here and there to turn a story towards unpredictable. X does has it eyerolling moments when a character wanders off into the night by themselves towards certain death but it shakes things up enough to stand out in a packed field. It's imagery will stick in your mind too, often not in a nice way. A stunning birdseye view of aquatic danger, a view that's mirrored in a nightmarish escape from a bedroom late in the movie, a reverse zoom shot of a woman on a pier that feels so authentically 70's that you'll forget you're watching a film made in 2021 and fatal encounter by the lights of a car that goes full Dario Argento when blood splashes across a headlight. 

There's substance behind the style too, a story set in the tail end of the era of free love in a country still haunted by it's involvement in the Vietnamese war, where sex feels wrong but violence is the answer. Our protagonists just want to have a good time but in the eyes of others they're sinners. Even amongst their own ranks there's dissent and posturing with West using one scene where a crew member decides to join in the onscreen fun as an excuse to poke fun at male hypocrisy when it comes to matters of the flesh. X's well crafted cast has fun here with Britanny Snow and Kid Cudi being the stand outs as the startlingly confident main performers but it's Mia Goth's strong, believable turn as Pearl who gives the film it's impetus. It's very late in the day when we find out why she is the way she is and mere moments later the whole thing finishes with a kiss off line that will ensure you leave the cinema laughing.

X is showing in cinemas now. It's great fun if you can handle it.

Deep Water

Deep Water is the much feted return of the starry erotic psychological thriller ™ to our screens and from director Adrian Lyne as well, the man who arguably kicked off the genre with 1987's Fatal Attraction. Add in a real life couple playing the couple onscreen and a streaming platform that allows films to be shown without the snips required to ensure a film gets a particular age certificate. This should have been a big ol' slice of filthy fun but the reality is about as horny as guinness fart on a packed bus.

If you're anyway online you'll be intimately acquainted with the numerous Sad Affleck memes floating around these past few years. You know them, Ben on a beach staring pensively into the uisce or having a sneaky smoke, looking like the weight of the world is weighing down on those broad shoulders of his. Deep Water is that meme stretched out to nearly 2 hours and yes, it's about as entertaining as that sounds. Ok, there's fun to be had here but it's the laughing at and not with kind. Ana de Armas does her sultry best as his onscreen wife but oh no, it just ain't happening. When a film's most memorable scene is a reminder that snails have to be starved before they're eaten..... yeah that's not a good sign. And we haven't even mentioned that ending yet. That bizarre, nonsensical final act.

Vic and Melinda Allen are a couple existing in a small Louisiana town. They've long fallen out of love but he allows her to take lovers to ensure that she won't leave him. She flaunts her infidelities in his face and he just watches impassively despite their friends and co-workers knowing exactly what's happening. One night at a party he jokes to her current lover how he took care of a former lover and it sets off a chain of events that well..... you'll have to watch this bland bullshit and find out.

There could have been fun had here. Patricia Highsmith's deliciously dark 1957 novel is the source material and despite being 65 years old it took way more risks with it's story than you'll experience here. If the film had the balls to stay true to the novel you'd have an ending that would make what came before more forgivable but all we get here is a ridiculous bicycle chase following a character appearance that will make you scratch your head intensely trying to figure out the hows and whys of how they ended up where they ended up. It's a laughably bad climactic moment but then soon after the film really strives for a profundity that just isn't earned at all. You'll get it, but you won't like it because the story has chickened out

.The thriller aspect of Deep Water fails miserably so how about the erotic part? Heh. We know the story calls for a distance between Vic and Melinda but there's no bit of spark here at all, no sense of why they'd ever have gotten together. Jesus even Gigli, the notorious Affleck/Jennifer Lopez turkey (gobble gobble!) from 2003 did better on that front, meaning the much feted sex scenes between them just feel limp and kinda pathetic. Surprisingly tame too considering they're directed by the man behind 9 & 1/2 Weeks, Fatal Attraction and Indecent Proposal. They just speak to the fact that modern day film audiences seem to have no appetite for cinematic boom boom. It's a pity and it means that the starry erotic psychological thriller ™ will probably be staying put in the late 80's/ early 90's once again.

Deep Water is streaming online now. You'll be glad you didn't pay to see it in a cinema.

Foscadh

You could call Seán Breathnach's new Irish language film Foscadh (shelter) a companion piece to Lenny Abrahamson's 2007 film Garage and Gerard Barrett's Pilgrim Hill from 2013. All three are starkly realistic looks at rural life and it's effect on the male psyche but thankfully Foscadh has some bit of optimism lurking under it's ambiguous shell. Not much, but enough to give you something to latch onto. It's a fine film but jesus, it will remind you of how lucky you have it.

It's the wank at the wake that really clues you into John's (Dónall O Héalai) mental state. His mam is lying in a coffin in the living room and he leaves the room to have some alone time. He's an adult orphan now, alone in his house in the middle of Connemara and he's a stranger to all those who know him. His uncle Paddy (Macdara Ó Fátharta, Tadhg from Ros na Rún) thinks he's a bit slow but others assume he's just been wrapped in cotton wool all his life by over protective parenting. A desire for chips one night sees him take a beating and his recuperation lets new friends enter his life, Dave (Cillian O'Gairbhi), his hospital roommate and his nurse Siobhan (Fionnuala Flaherty), both of whom may have ulterior motives.

Director Seán Breathnach, working off Donal Ryan's book, The Thing About September, has created a tale that will get into your bones like the damp, windswept locations it's filmed in. Years ago John would be derided as a gomey, a fool, the town weirdo and in more enlightened times we know it's not his fault but Foscadh never gives us any definitive answers, to anything really. Did his parents do a number on him? Why are these new people in his life so nice to him? Is it foscadh they're after or genuine friendship? Why has the town bully such a set on him? What's really going on in that head of his. There's just enough left unsaid and unanswered to keep the film buzzing in your head for days after. There's an air of unpredictability too that will leave you on edge on any number of occasions. A trespass you feel sure will end in tragedy, a night time encounter with an enemy, that drinking game. It's sickeningly tense at times.

Dónall O Héalai is magnificent as John. Just as good as he was in last year's Arracht but so different in his physicality that a casual film goer might never guess the same actor played both parts.Your nerves would be wrecked for him, when locals with their eyes on the future come sniffing around the land that's been left to him, when he's coerced into making his interest known to the opposite sex. Social cues don't exist in John's world, if you've never been taught to interact with the outside world you'll always struggle and that struggle will stay with you for life leading you into morally murky waters. At times it feels like a parable about the dangers of over protective parenting, a warning about coddling but Dónall's work will always leave you unsure in your thinking. 

The same goes for Cillian O'Gairbhi's Dave and Fionnula Flaherty's Siobhan. You're never quite sure where you stand with them. Has loneliness driven them towards John or is it the promise of a free gaff? Will they give him the tools he needs to become his own man or take from him? The wild and boisterous Dave might be easier to read but Siobhan's a vaguer presence with Flaherty doing great work especially during a beautiful campfire scene that points to true motives though then later scenes leave you wondering again. You've got to admire a film that leaves you the dots to join up yourself.

Foscadh is in cinemas now. It's really worth your time.

Red Rocket

X = minus B plus or minus the square root of B squared minus 4AC all over 2A.

Remember that? The dreaded quadratic equation. Spoken proudly by Strawberry (Suzanna Son), a teenage girl smitten with our protagonist Mikey Saber (Simon Rex), who at twice her age isn't pushing her away. It's one of many times Red Rocket nudges you with the reminder that we are watching a scumbag at work. And yet you won't be able to take your eyes off him. What is that all about?

Mikey's back home in Texas City, a city suburb of Houston, along the Gulf coast of Texas. He's a washed up ex-porn star with only two things to his name. The 20 odd dollars in his pocket and the "gift" that made him famous. He's burned all his L.A. bridges and only for his ex-wife Lexi (Bree Elrod) he'd have nowhere to even sleep. She has nothing but disdain for him now, having seen his true colours but he's wormed his way under her roof with a promise to help out financially. He's a user, other people are mere stepping stones to him and now he has two more in his sights, Lexi's naive neighbour Lonnie (Ethan Darbone) who has a car and Strawberry, the underage girl who works in his favourite doughnut shop, who he sets his sights on in an attempt to get back into the money.

Sean Baker stays on familiar turf with his latest look at the places we only ever drive by and the people who we never think about and he's made another stunner, his first feature film since 2017's The Florida Project. The lovable characters from there are wholly absent here, replaced by an irredeemable bastard who can believably charm the pants (often literally) off everyone he meets and Simon Rex (himself a real life ex porn performer) sells the part perfectly. You'll never once feel like you're watching an actor when he's onscreen, it's as naturalistic a performance as you'll have seen in an age, making it seem like we're watching a documentary rather than a feature film. The way he treats everyone around him will enrage you but he's so magnetic in his part you can see exactly why everyone falls for him. Baker never judges him either, he lays it all out for us to see and don't worry, you won't like him. If you do.... well that's a worry.

One of the first things Mikey does to make money is head back to his old drug connect Leondria (Judy Hill) to start selling for her again, and of course he gets high on his own supply, using stars and stripes rolling papers because he's, in his own words, a patriot. It's just another way for Baker to remind us that we're looking at the dark side of the American dream. It's not set in 2016 for nothing. The age of Trump was in full flow, America was rapidly becoming a place not to want to visit but to be horrified by and Red Rocket is a powerful glimpse at the people who inhabit a rancid little corner of it, a dump intertwined with the some of America's most famous symbols, pornography, drugs, oil and loads of doughnuts.

In cinemas now and genuinely worth your time.

The Batman

The Batman cuts to the chase. There's no need for an origin story here. We all know what happened to Bruce Wayne to turn him into the Caped Crusader, Gotham City's saviour, the World's Greatest Detective. There's no need to see him traumatised once again by the murder of his parents Thomas and Martha after we've already seen them gunned down in four other films by Jack Napier/Joe Chill/randomers. Despite that being skipped over The Batman still manages to be almost 3 hours long. There's no justification for that at all. It's a fine film but that midsection....it robs the film of a lot.

We open on what we think is going to be that origin all over again but it's a trick and soon one of Gotham's political elite is wiped out. The city is in shock and Lieutenant Gordon (Jeffrey Wright) wastes no time in bringing the Batman (Robert Pattinson) into the investigation, a move that alienates the cops of the city who see him as a vigilante freak. Batman dives straight into the city's dark underbelly and comes into contact with The Penguin (Colin Farrell), a scarred killer who controls a mafia owned nightclub frequented by the hypocrites who claim to be on the side of good and Selina Kyle (Zoë Kravitz), a waitress who knows more than she's letting on. As more and more well known faces die horribly in cruel Saw/Se7en-esque ways Batman finds himself drawn closer and closer to the man committing the atrocities, a masked psychopath called The Riddler (Paul Dano).

It's the first scrap that settles your nerves about this one. A confrontation in a dark subway that's just brutally efficient. Christopher Nolan's confusingly shot action isn't anywhere to be seen here, just bang, biff, whollop and done. Batman takes no shit from anyone and Robert Pattinson looks convincing taking care of business. Out of costume as Bruce Wayne he's a mopey emo kid and a million miles away from the Christian Bale/Ben Affleck sleek macho playboy version but it's a depiction that makes sense. He's traumatised by his past and he's made it his present. There's instant chemistry with Selina Kyle, another damaged soul with a shitty past, they sense it in each other and just click. Then she disappears for a whole chunk of the movie and it suffers as a result, especially in the scenes where Bruce and his butler Alfred (Andy Serkis) delve back into Bruce's past for a while. We all thought we'd get away from Thomas and Martha right? Wrong. A bedside scene (along with other drawn out and unnecessary moments) between the pair threatens to kill the film's momentum dead and it's a nuisance after all the good will built up in that opening hour.

Director Matt Reeve's take on Gotham is an effective one, skewing more towards the skanky, slimy urban landscape of Tim Burton's films and Batman Begins than the shiny metropolis of more recent films. It's a dangerous place populated with filth, wracked by random violence perpetrated by young men with nothing better to do. One of these young men is The Riddler, a psychopath not far removed from the "incel" shooters making America such a scary place to live in the 21st century. Using social media he's created a following of like minded individuals and it's his plan kicking into action that drags the film out of the mid section doldrums and gives us a topical ending to get our teeth into. He ain't the only bad guy roaming the streets though. Nope, this is a Batman film, there's always someone else knocking around and it's here that an unrecognisable Colin Farrell nearly steals the film for himself. His take on Oswald Cobblepot aka The Penguin leans away from the freakshow aspects of the character and more towards his vicious side, a gangland enforcer and unrepentant criminal who'll still make you laugh. He might look like a side of beef someone took a blade to but Farrell's charm and sense of humour can't help but shine through the impressive makeup. It's just a pity he's not in it for longer. More Colin would have made that dull middle hour a lot more bearable.

The Batman isn't without it's (big) fault's but it's the best take on the comic book since 2008's The Dark Knight. Despite all it's murkiness it's a fantastic looking movie (that tunnel scrap illuminated by gunfire is a PEACH), R-Pattz looks believable in and out of the costume and the energy between him and Zoë Kravitz will have you looking forward to her inevitable return in the inevitable sequel. Speaking of sequels, what until you see who tu........nah, let's leave that one for you to find out yourself.

The Batman is in cinemas now everywhere.

No Exit

There's a lot of upsides to watching tonnes of movies but one of the unspoken downsides is recognising an actor you know will turn out to be villainous. Sometimes it's fun to be ahead of the curve when watching with others but mostly it just ruins the twists and turns a film like No Exit will throw at you. This is no reflection on No Exit of course, I'm just being a moany bastard. No Exit is pretty good.

Darby Thorne (Havana Rose Liu) is having a rough time. Her umpteenth visit to rehab isn't working out too well and when she finds out her mother is in hospital she wants out but leaving court ordered counselling is easier said than done. She does it anyway with a well handed screwdriver and a stolen car and before long she's driving through snowstorms heading towards Salt Lake City. A blizzard forces her to take shelter in a park visiting center and inside are Ash (Danny Ramirez), Lars (David Rysdahl), and a married couple called Ed (Dennis Haysbert) and Sandi (Dale Dickey), all in the same predicament as her. Just before she settles in for a long cold night she takes one final trip outside to try in vain to make a phonecall and discovers something unsettling inside one of the vans parked nearby.

You can tell straight away No Exit was filmed during the Covid-19 pandemic. A small cast, a simple premise, the vast majority of the story taking place in one location. That doesn't stop it from being an entertaining watch and despite it's tiny cast it will still keep you guessing throughout it's running time (if you haven't watched too many films that this). It's also the kind of movie that requires a large suspension of disbelief and one late plot plot is in awfully bad taste (you'll know it when you see it) but if you enjoy your Hitchcockian chamber pieces with a side order of bloody violence No Exit will more than likely hit the spot for you.

No Exit's got a strong heroine, nasty baddies, some vicious retribution and a gripping story and it's all told in under 95 minutes. What's not to enjoy?

The Duke

The Duke is a film that could have been made as an Ealing Comedy 60 years ago with Alec Guinness and Edie Martin in the lead roles. But back then they wouldn't have been allowed show the vigorous sex scene that kicks the third act into motion or hear lead character Kempton Bunton splutter the funniest use of the F-word in a long time. It's old fashioned fun that doesn't have to sand it's edges off anymore.

Standing up to authority is a Northern trait and Kempton Bunton (Jim Broadbent) is a fine practitioner of the art. He's sick of being told what to do and when to do it and his latest campaign is against the TV licence, a tax he sees as unfair to the poor and the elderly. His wife Dorothy (Helen Mirren) is mortified by his antics and raging with him as his mouth gets him fired from one job after another. His heart is in the right place though, he's socialist through and through and stands up against bullshit the second he sees it. A trip south to London to champion his latest cause sees him come home with a tasty souvenir - Francisco Goya’s Portrait of The Duke of Wellington from the National Gallery in London. It's been stolen and now it's hiding in his cupboard and a ransom note is winging it's way through the post.

Truth is stranger than fiction. A quote attributed to Mark Twain that feels perfect for this true story, the last movie directed by Roger Mitchell before he sadly passed away in 2021. Ok, it's not exactly the truth but the broad strokes are the same. A thief wandered into the National Gallery through a bathroom window one night in 1961 and stole a masterpiece. The police were baffled and concluded that it was a perfectly planned heist carried out by an experienced criminal. The juxtaposition of their conclusions and the reality of the situation is just one of many laughs in this gentle and amiable comedy. The courtroom set finale too, deep dives into the comedy of the situation and will leave you grinning from ear to ear as Kempton wins over everyone and I mean everyone. 

The story isn't without it's human side either. Kempton and Dorothy have suffered a loss in their past that would split many a couple apart. He's dealing with grief in his own way but Dorothy is trapped by it, unable to talk about it, unwilling to think about it. At first you'll wonder why Helen Mirren took a role that seems to consist of making breakfast and tea for her husband and son Jackie (Fionn Whitehead) and grumbling about everything but as she's forced by circumstance to face her pain her performance takes a quietly powerful turn. It's Broadbent's film though, he robs every scene. He's every eccentric Da you've ever met, every neighbour who's always scheming, that co-worker who'll always pipe up and make you laugh. He's a lovable rogue you'll side with always and he turns The Duke into a movie that's just the ticket in a time of seemingly constant misery.

The Duke is in cinemas now. It's very enjoyable. Bond fans will get a big kick out of it too.

Kimi

Alfred Hitchcock was born in 1899. If he'd been born in 1999 he'd be the target audience for Kimi, the new thriller from Steven Soderbergh that feels like a modern day remake(ish) of Alfie's own Rear Window replete with facemasks, invasive tech and crippling social anxiety. That aul reliable trio of life ingredients in 2022.

Kimi's the new must have gadget. A smart speaker that not only listens to your every word but one that tracks every movement you make in your home. One of the workers asked with making sense of data streams from Kimi devices worldwide is Angela Childs (Zoë Kravitz), a blue haired recluse who's life revolves around her computer screen and her phone. A previous assault combined with a global pandemic has her housebound and her only contacts are her mother and her neighbour Terry (Byron Bowers) who visits her regularly for a bit of how's your uncle. One day a troubling recording catches her eye, one that appears to have captured an attack on a woman in her one home. Her boss doesn't want to know so she goes over his head and soon finds herself in a lot of danger. The type of danger that requires going outside.

Your own gaff. The place you feel most comfortable. Your safe space. It's not something that exists for women in modern day life. Angela knows. She can never relax and her job has turned her into a voyeur, peering into the lives of others, existing vicariously through them. Outdoors is a no-no and her social life is a blend of broken promises and drunken zoom calls. Her discovery of an assault on a woman called Samantha (Erika Christensen) is what kicks her into gear, forcing her out of her comfort zone. It's not hard to spot the real life parallels here. The psychological damage wrought on us all by extended periods of isolation these last few years, the ridiculous access we allow tech companies to have into our lives, the ever increasing violence against women reported daily in news headlines. The fact that Soderbergh and writer David Koepp have managed to turn this raw material into a film that's not absolutely depressing is somewhat of a minor miracle.

Soderbergh's one of the most interesting directors working today. Starting off in arthouse before pivoting into mainstream success and in the last decade becoming a jack of all trades. You never know what you'll get with him, his films dabble in the tropes of genre cinema but feel accessible to everyone, lending his stories an air of palatable unpredictability. Combine this with a breath of fresh air actor like Kravitz and you get a film that sounds stale and unimaginative on paper but one that turns out to be pretty damn pulse pounding in reality. Add in a Home Alone style ending that robs some of it's brutal retribution from Lethal Weapon 2 and you have a crowd pleaser. Speaking of Home Alone, see if you can spot the in-joke. It's rare when a realisation about a stabbed and bleeding character will make you giggle.

Kimi is streaming now on google movies. It's good. Zoë Kravitz has been one to watch for a while now but this and next week's The Batman are about to set her flying.

Dog

“A filthy animal unfit for human company and a… Dog” That's Dog's tagline and with it comes comedic expectations. There's a few laughs here (and one cringeworthy moment that belongs to the American Pie school of comedy) but Dog is all about the aspects of war rarely spoken of. The collateral psychological trauma for everyone involved, soldiers on two legs and four.

Jackson Briggs (Channing Tatum in his first leading role since 2017) is sick of cheese, tuna, mayo and mustard, the ingredients he uses everyday as part of his Subway sandwich job. He's an army ranger trying to make ends meet until his next deployment but the chances of him being called back into combat are slim. He's dealing with a brain injury and the mental issues that are part and parcel of combat and his commanding officer doesn't want to take a chance on him. But Jackson ain't taking no for an answer so he's offered a deal - drive Lulu cross country to a funeral and if that goes well, there might be a travel slot open for him. Lulu's a Belgian Malinois military dog Jackson once worked with and she's suffering from PTSD just like he is and now both have to travel from Oregon to Arizona to say goodbye to a soldier both served with.

Channing Tatum is an immensely likable screen presence who can do it all. He looks the part with an AR-15 in his hands, he has great comic timing and he can dance like no-one's watching but can he carry a film by himself? Dog answers that last question in the affirmative. Usually in film's like this (Marley & Me, Turner & Hooch etc) the four legged friend steals the spotlight but here's it's Jackson you'll be watching. The army has left him behind, his psychological issues have taken family and friends from him, Jack Daniels is his night time companion. He's a fella on the edge, one who claims the military is his life but that same military has left him a wreck, used him up and spit him out. He's one step away from unraveling and Tatum sells his pain perfectly. Lulu's the same, harsh discipline has taken it's toll on her little shoulders, she's volatile and aggressive, not used to kindness at all. Both of them have become accustomed to a hard life but on their travels both react positively to the kindness of strangers. Maybe, just maybe they could be kind to each other....

While never exactly being a damning indictment of the unspoken wreckage of combat Dog says enough to let us know where it's politics lie and throughout our heroes journey south we get to know plenty about them, enough to see the damage caused and the damage both are capable of causing; a pot farm misunderstanding that shows us how good Jackson is at his job, a hotel chase that explicitly tells us about the racial biases in Lulu's training and how military life alienates soldiers from civilians in a way that leaves them incapable of integrating into normal life. It all sounds very serious doesn't it but thankfully Dog has a lighter side too. The sight and sound of Tatum tearing into 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight ' will never not be funny, or him trying to coax a smelly Lulu into a much needed bath or his frustration when she ruins what could quite possibly be the best night of his life. All very welcome flashes of light in what is a surprisingly dark story.

Dog is showing in cinemas now. It's a well told tale that's devoid of the usual mawkish tugging of heartstrings you tend to see in films about men and men's best friends. It's worth your while.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. A title so potent it's been reused and rejigged eight times since 1974 but not a single sequel, prequel or reboot has come close to matching the raw, nerve jangling ferocity of the original. The 2022 sequel ignores the seven films before it, bringing things back to basics and also bringing back Sally Hardesty, the lone survivor of 1974, last seen (yeah she was in a crap sequel but that doesn't matter now) hysterically laughing and shrieking while soaked in blood and escaping Leatherface in the back of a pick up truck. Seeing her coming back brings to mind the two recent and awful Halloween soft reboots. It's also so bad it makes those two films look pretty good.

Do you remember the first time you saw The Shining? Dick Halloran making his way across America to save the day and then having absolutely no impact at all. That's the way you'll feel when Sally turns up, locked and loaded, to save a bus full of *shudder* social media influencers from a gory evisceration at the business end of a chainsaw.  Having the excellent Irish actor Olwen Fouéré playing the part has you hoping for something special but she's just another one of many wasted opportunities on display. It's a genuinely bad film that displays all the hallmarks of a troubled production (it's original directors were fired during production, never a good sign) and who's only saving graces are the return of John Larroquette for an opening bit of narration, just like he did in the original (and in the 2003 & 2006 version) and a mercifully short running time of 82 minutes, 73 minus the drawn out end credits. It's never a good sign when a film this short has you wondering when it will finish. 

The town of Harlow, Texas died a long time ago but a pair of *shudder* entrepreneurs have bought it up to bring it back to life and have brought a bus full of instagrammers and snapchatters with them to buy up the properties in an attempt to create a new way of life, away from the trouble and strife of big city life. Despite bank foreclosures some townsfolk still exist there and when one of them dies it stirs another to start killing again. You can probably guess who.

Insta folk being sliced and diced does sound fun doesn't it and if you've seen the trailer you'll know what's coming but what will surprise you is how dull and inert the big moment feels despite all the limbs and intestines flying. Director David Blue Garcia is no Tobe Hooper and fails at the first horror film hurdle. To scare your audience you have to make them give a damn about the characters and you won't be doing that here. The trailer also magnifies just how influenced by the recent Halloween reboots this whole thing is as mentioned earlier. Sequels being flat out ignored, the final girl now a final elderly woman, tooling up and coming for revenge. At least those had the novelty of the original star coming back but here Marilyn Burns's passing in 2014 forced a recasting and having a new actor in the part robs it of it's power. None of the rest of the cast makes any impact either apart from Elsie Fisher (So good in Eighth Grade) as Lila, the sister of one of the town buyers and Moe Dunford as Richter, a suspect town local. He's having fun at least and (SPOILER) goes out in a moment of gore that would have gotten this film banned had it been released not so long ago.

If you're a horror fan who's only here for the violence you might glean some enjoyment from this. The 1974 film, despite being banned in numerous countries spilled barely a drop of blood onscreen and 48 years later the 9th film in the franchise has decide to take a different approach, spraying the town red with it's impalements, decapitations and amputations. It truly lives up to it's title but it doesn't come close to even licking the original film's boots. You won't be scared by it and you won't care about anyone in it. It's background noise at best.

Now streaming on Netflix.

Uncharted

"Nuns, why does it always have to be nuns?" A line that instantly evokes a similar one at the start of Raiders Of The Lost Ark when Indy finds a snake in the plane whisking him away from danger. Uncharted, the new film from Ruben Fleischer is based on a series of Playstation games that took a lot of inspiration from the Indiana Jones franchise so it's no surprise the film adaption is tipping it's hat towards Spielberg's movies. Does it deserve to be named alongside those films though?

Films based on computer games tend to fall into two categories. Absolute crap or forgettable fun. Super Mario Bros? Crap. Tomb Raider? Forgettable fun. Assassin's Creed? Crap. Rampage? Forgettable fun. Far Cry & Max Payne? Craaaaaaaaap. Doom & Monster Hunter..... you can see where this is going. There's just something about the brilliance computer games are capable of that hasn't yet translated across to the silver screen. Happily Uncharted falls into the forgettable fun side. Tom Holland is a likable, wisecracking lead, maybe a bit too young as the Nathan Drake we all know and love but seeing as this is being called a prequel to the games it's forgivable. He's not just Spider-man without a suit either, he's wearier, a little bit more beatdown and cynical. Mark Wahlberg as Sully though. He's definitely not the mentor we loved from the games. There's a mean edge to him, there's no chemistry between him and Nathan as a result and once again he's mumbling through his lines in that monotone way he's far too often guilty of. The story though, is very Uncharted.

Nathan Drake, NYC bartender, charmer, wannabe explorer and sometimes thief has caught the eye of treasure hunter Victor Sullivan who needs his skills to get his hands on an ancient Spanish golden cross, one of two (two crosses, double crosses?? HMMMM) that he'll use in his search for the gold collected by the crew of the Magellan voyage during their 16th century expedition around the world. The other people looking for the treasure are Chloe Hunter (Sophia Ali, underused here but definitely a placeholder role for sequels), another treasure hunter from the games who's had dealings with Sully in the past and Santiago Moncada (Antonio Banderas, pointless casting, he literally does nothing), a businessman descended from the financial backers of the Magellan expedition. The three experienced hands are in it for the gold but Nathan has a more personal reason for joining in, one connected to his family past.

As with all video game adaptions you'll get a lot more from the film if you've played the games. That bruising aerial opening scene is taken directly from the third game and mirrors the franchise propensity for starting with a flashforward. A puzzle solving, booby trap dodging sojourn beneath a Barcelona church is a fine recreation of the game's many riddles and the climax is so perfectly UNCHARTED ( the little climbing bit will raise many a smile) that you'll assume it came from an unused idea from the game creators. Flying galleons, underwater chambers, gold by the tonne, whizzing cannonballs, hulking henchmen and swordfights. The massive bodycount from the games has been toned down in these scenes unsurprisingly and the supernatural aspects have been totally ignored thankfully as they never really sat well with the rest of the story. It's all very family friendly, minimal swearing, nothing bloody. It's missing that edge that made the Indy films perennial favourites. Climax aside it's missing the wow factor that made the games so wildly popular. With four games (and spin-offs) jam packed with outrageous set-pieces to choose from this could and should have been a lot more exciting. You'll have fun with it no doubt, but in a week's time you'll remember very little at all. Hopefully the inevitable sequel will step things up a lot.

Uncharted is out in cinemas now. It's good looking, forgettable fun. 

Oh, btw, keep an eye out for a familiar sounding beach cameo.

Death On The Nile

 

It's not very often a moustache gets it's own flashback but that's how Death On The Nile starts. The Western Front, Belgium, 1914. A baby faced Hercule Poirot (Kenneth Branagh who also directs) uses his smarts to save his platoon from certain death during a crossing of No Man's Land and ends up hideously scarred as a result. Hence, the moustache to end all moustaches. No better way to cover up.

23 years later Poirot is on holiday in Egypt and gets invited on a cruise by his friend Bouc (Tom Bateman). A boat trip up the Nile that will celebrate the Honeymoon of Simon Doyle (Armie Hammer) and and heiress Linnet Ridgeway (Gal Gadot). Along for the spin are friends, family, doctors, their favourite musicians and one very unwelcome guest, Jackie de Bellefort (Emma Mackay), Simon's ex-fiance who hasn't taken too kindly to being dumped unceremoniously for Linnet. As the boat chugs slowly through the crocodile filled waters by the temple of Abu Simbel a shot rings out and now the world's greatest detective has a murder to solve and a captive audience of suspects to give his beady eye.

Death On The Nile is slightly better than Murder On The Orient Express but that's damning it with faint praise. Branagh feels more relaxed into the leading role and the central mystery is slightly more plausible than the ridiculous one at the heart of the former film. But what's amazing about this film is the fact that it even made it to the cinema between Covid induced delays and numerous prominent members of the cast being accused of all manner of no-no's like supporting Israel's anti Palestine stance, anti vaxx sentiments (x 2), sexual misconduct and....cannibalism. Yup, remember all that stuff about Armie Hammer last year? There's a reason you didn't see him on the posters or in the trailers for Death On The Nile. His part here was too big to CGI out à la Kevin Spacey in All The Money In The World. So 20th Century Studios just brass necked it out by pretending he didn't exist. His presence does tend to overshadow proceedings at times but when you've a larger than life hero like Poirot onboard he'll take the attention away. 

It's an alright watch, a time passer that you'll have forgotten 24 hours later. It's the very definition of a 2.5 star film. If you enjoyed the ITV version with David Suchet you'll probably like this too. It's stacked cast will amuse you as they pop up one by one (seeing French and Saunders together again as Linnet's godmother and her travelling nurse is fun) but they all get very little too do apart from be either picked apart or decimated by the investigating detective. This is the Hercule Poirot show don't you know. His moustache gets more screen time than Rose Leslie (Linnet's maid) and Russell Brand (Linnet's ex-fiance) together. The standouts are Sophie Okenodo as Salome Otterbourne, a jazz singer who catches Poirot's eye and Emma Mackey as Jackie, the one character who brings a touch of unpredictability to the story. That is if you haven't seen the previous versions. Previous versions that while family friendly, felt gritty and earthy compared to this purely because they weren't riddled with cheap looking CGI that pulls you out of the story constantly. At no point in this will you ever believe anyone in the cast stepped foot in Egypt or even near water. It's all so pristine and fake and ugh. There's an awful lot to be said for location filming and if you are going to pull together a big star studded cast you could at least put them somewhere pretty.

Death On The Nile is out now. It will fill a couple of hours for you but in the end it just feels pointless, adding nothing new to the better, older versions. 

Jackass Forever

In the UK the 4th Jackass film was rated 18 (16 here) for crude and dangerous stunts, and nudity. Nudity that in the words of the BBFC includes close-up genital and anal nudity in a comic, non-sexual context. Wording it like that makes it feel very innocuous when the reality is an underwater close up of Steve-O's farting anus or a glimpse of Danger Ehren's torn and bleeding scrotum. If you have a delicate constitution you might want to give Jackass Forever a miss but if you can handle it's barrage of battered genitalia and broken bones then you'll get to see the funniest film of the year.

The boys are back in town. Well most of them anyway. They're older and greyer but they aren't wiser. It's 12 years since we last saw them onscreen and now they're here for once last spin around the dance floor and it's a joy to be spending time with them again. Steve-O, who's defied ALL the odds to become a sober and quite effective podcaster, "Wee-Man" Jason Acuña and Preston Lacey, Ehren McGhehey and Dave England, Chris Pontius and, the captain himself, Johnny Knoxville. Along for the ride are a couple of fun and VERY game new faces (Sean "Poopies" McInerney, Jasper Dolphin, Rachel Wolfson and Zach Holmes) but it's the original gang we're here for and seeing their unabashed love for each other spilling off the screen will always give you the warm and fuzzies despite the carnage they're going through. Bam Margera and Ryan Dunn's absences are felt though. Ryan sadly died in a car wreck a decade ago and gets a nice tribute at the end while Bam fell off the deep end totally in a manner so extreme the film company wouldn't insure him to be a part of this film (He does pop up momentarily in one scene but chances are you won't even notice him.) They'll play on your mind throughout especially if you've been a long-term fan and you can't help but wonder if coming back without them was the right move.

But if they hadn't made this film we'd have never have got to see Cockzilla, the DNA spewing Kaiju that opens the movie. It's here the laughter starts when you realise just how the effect has been created and that laughter won't stop for the next 90 minutes. Laughter that turns queasy when pig semen appears by the gallon or when milk meets a highspeed merry go round, laughter that becomes terrified when spiders, scorpions, vultures and bears join the gang and just plain old hysterical laughter when Danger Ehren decides that making us laugh is far more important than the safety and well being of his nuts when he exposes them to high speed projectiles, pogo sticks and heavyweight MMA fighters.

The immortal warning spoken by Knoxville at the start of the film comes to mind here but if you're dumb to copy anything you see onscreen here you deserve everything you get.

Near the end there's an affecting split screen moment where we get to see the boyos at the beginning of their journey compared to now. Hair is grey or vanished, wrinkles abound and smiles are riddled with accident induced gaps and chances are you'll feel kinda melancholy during it when you remember you've been on your own journey alongside everyone onscreen. But then someone gets tased in the nuts or blows up a fart and you'll crease up again. Unsurprisingly the new faces take the brunt of the really gnarly and dangerous stunts. Rachel Wolfson letting a scorpion use her face for target practice, Poopies trying to kiss an angry snake or Zach Holmes diving topless onto a table full of cattleprods and mousetraps in a blacked out room. But it's the series MVP's - Knoxville and Ehren who provide the most memorable moments, Ehren's testicular fortitude and Knoxville's run in with an angry bull. Are they astoundingly stupid or astoundingly brave? Or both? Who cares. In the wake of all the controversy around comedians this week, this type of humour, that a few years ago seemed to have run it's course, feels refreshing and nearly innocent in comparison. There's no meanness, no bodyshaming, no sexism, no racism, no homophobia and no hate here. It's just a bunch of old buddies getting together and suffering for our pleasure.

And it's glorious.

Jackass Forever is in cinemas now. 

Moonfall

Moonfall is dreadful muck, awful even by Roland Emmerich standards. But, it will make you laugh. A lot. And that's what we need. Go see it, so in the future you'll be able to point at the TV screen when it's on while you cry laughing and say you were there, you got to see this disaster of a disaster film on the big screen.

"Fuck the moon", that's the graffiti scrawled onto the side of the only working space shuttle still on American soil. It's being brought out of commission to head into space as the final chance to save the planet Earth from destruction. The moon has been knocked off orbit by a mysterious force and now it's on a collision course with us and only three people can stop it all. Jo Fowler (Halle Berry) and Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson), two astronauts who fell out after an earlier mission was wrecked by a mysterious space accident and who must now work together again, and K.C. Houseman (John Bradley playing Samwell Tarley with a podcast), the conspiracy theorist who brought what was happening to the attention of the world via social media. As they head skyward the proximity of the moon is creating chaos on earth and their families try to stay alive on terra firma but thieves, meteors and a general lack of oxygen are the big issues of the day.

This is the worst blockbuster you'll see in 2022. Probably 23 and 24 as well. It's appalling. It's beyond stupid. Your jaw will drop late in the story when you finally find out what's happening. It bigs up the likes of Space X and conspiracy theorists instead of burying and shaming them. It fails on every movie level. Characterisation is non existent, the plot makes no sense, there's no urgency, you don't care about anyone, it's so choppy you'll think it's stupidity has made you black out and miss important information. It feels like a 3 hour film cut down to 2 and as a result is missing whole chunks of plot and exposition. There's no transition between hearing about something and it happening. We never find out how exactly K.C. used social media to let the world know what's up. We're told disaster is due in 3 weeks time and then skip nearly all that time. There's no build up to the moon's effects on the tides or earthquakes, they just underwhelmingly occur. We're expected to understand stuff we've never been told about. Great actors like Donald Sutherland turn up for 60 seconds and vanish totally.  We're asked to cry for people we've spent no time with. No one feels connected. Nothing matters.

But, and this is an important but, it somehow manages to hit that sweet spot of being so bad that all you can do is give in and laugh at it all. Charlie Plummer's (as Brian's son Sonny) OH WELL expression when an entire mountain explodes in front of him is a big treat. The SAD MOMENT that means nothing to anyone it seems. The beyond idiotic car chase. The BIG HERO scene that conspiracy theorists will dine out on for years. Halle Berry's character Jo just happening to be married to the man with the firing codes for all of the United states nukes. At times it really feels like a parody of Emmerich's previous disaster movie work but it's not a patch on any of it, even absolute tosh like 2012 feels like a masterwork after you've seen Moonfall.

Patrick Wilson, thankfully, seems to have realised how terrible it all is and has fun as a result. Poor Halle Berry plays it straight and comes out of it very poorly. John Bradley's K.C. gets treated way with way too much reverence. He's the joke of a conspiracy theorist that gets proved right and it feels like an regrettable choice especially in this day and age of tin foil loonies. Films should be mocking them and not lauding them. That might sound mean but it needs to happen. Everyone else just feels cut to the bone, popping up every now and then to deliver a line and then vanish again. It's not a film anyone involved will be highlighting on their CV.

Moonfall is out now in the cinema. Go if you want something to laugh at. Other than that avoid at all costs.

Clean

Marked For Death. Commando. The Exterminator. Loads of other 80's action thrillers. They always had one particular scene in common. The preparation montage where handguns are loaded, shotguns are racked, knives are sharpened, bombs are built and DIY weapons are knocked together from the stuff you find under the sink. It always happens at the point of no return, when the good guy's endgame is about to come into play and you know things are about to get wild. Any 80's throwback thriller worth it's salt should have one and Clean's prep work scene leads to an exceedingly bloody climax but the build up to it might be a bit too much for some. 

Clean is so ponderous and moody that at times it verges on parody but a muscular turn from Adrien Brody saves it from DTV hell. He's never been the most animated of actors so his screen persona suits the role of Clean, a garbage man disgusted by the state of the city around him. He's a quiet fella, living a simple life, doing the jobs no one else wants to. His only human contact is with his sponsor Travis (Mykelti Williamson) and a teenage girl from the neighbourhood called Diandra (Chandler DuPont ) who reminds him of his past. A past that's the reason for his lowkey present. A present lived out in a part of town where criminality is rife and everyone is in thrall to Michael (Glenn Fleshler), a violent crimeboss who loves getting his hands dirty. One evening their paths cross and well.....I'm sure you can guess the rest. As a famous Taxi Driver once said "Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets."

Yes that is The RZA

It's appalling the damage a close range shotgun blast can do to a human head. It's a gory moment that kicks off a vicious finale but after almost 75 minutes of place-setting it's not as satisfying as it should be. A nasty blowing alley encounter aside we get well over an hour of grim narration accompanying drone shots of urban decay before (let's be honest here) the stuff we all came here for splashes across the screen. When it does finally hit it's visceral and made even more crunching by the fact that Clean is a dab hand at what he does. An axe wielding foursome? Pah! A houseful of hardened criminals? LOL. That dark past eh and all the shades of grey that come with it. Unlike the heroes of the three films mentioned earlier Clean isn't a good guy, his criminal past hinted at in blood-soaked flashes to the past. But as the story moves forward and the stakes rise he sees an opportunity to use his skills for something good, there's a glimpse of redemption on the horizon. There's a noticeable Paul Schrader-esque feel in the latter half of the film but there's none of his subtlety.

Brody, who's career seems to have died a death in the last decade for whatever reason, does a fine job here as a convincing killing machine and Glenn Fleshler as his nemesis is a pleasingly menacing foil. At first he looks and sounds like a cut-price version of Marvel's Kingpin but when his family becomes intertwined in the story it adds an unusual edge to the story, one that somehow makes him seem both more evil and more human. And as you know, the more evil a bad guy is the more satisfying his comeuppance is. You could set your watch to that maxim of filmmaking.

Clean isn't a bad film at all but it's pacing leaves a lot to be desired. Had it's carnage been more evenly spaced out you'd have a lot more fun with it. 

Streaming online now.