May 31, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 17


Dawn Of The Dead. The 2nd part of George A. Romero's Dead trilogy is a masterpiece. A perfect film. A film that manages to be a damning indictment of consumerism, capitalism & fascism and still finds time to creep you out and disgust you. It's funny, scary, surreal and satisfying. The plot is very high concept. People hide out in a shopping mall that's packed full of zombies and Romero squeezes all the fun you can imagine out of it. The gore and gunshots are all very pleasing but the sense of existential dread is all encompassing and its only a matter of time before things start going very wrong. And that's when Romero's direction and Tom Savini's special effects give us a climax for the ages. A climax that upset censors so much that the first version I saw of this was shorn of several minutes of gooey stuff. But it didnt matter. It was so much more than gooey stuff. Watching it I knew it was something special. An intelligent horror classic that lived up to the hype.

May 30, 2020

15 films on TV this week to keep you in out of the sun


Bram Stoker's Dracula   Sat   30/5   The Horror Channel @ 21.00

Yeah, we all know the story. Jonathan Harker. The Borgo Pass. A scary old dude who turns young when he drinks blood. Mina, the woman he falls for. Renfield. Carfax Abbey. Van Helsing. It's all been done to death but in the hands of Francis Ford Coppola the story of Dracula becomes a hilariously overwrought and bonkers watch that will set your imagination revving. Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder and & Anthony Hopkins lead a packed cast.

The Witness   Sat   30/5   RTE2 @ 23.45

A Korean take on the infamous murder of Kitty Genovese. A man sees a killing from his apartment window and does nothing about it. His inaction soon comes back to haunt him tenfold when his family is in danger. A nailbitingly suspenseful thriller about the anonymity and selfish habits created by modern day living. Sung-min Lee is a solid lead and it's deadly to see RTE branching out into foreign cinema.

10 Cloverfield Lane   Sat   30/5   CH4 @ 23.55

After a car accident a woman wakes up in an underground shelter. The man in there swears he is holding her there for her own good but she's suspicious of his motives. This pseudo sequel to 2007's Cloverfield is an initially confusing film that turns into a nail chewing thriller before turning into something else altogether. Mary Elizabeth Winstead and John Goodman are both excellent in a film you'll get more out of if you've seen it's predecessor.

Julieta   Sat   30/5   BBC2 @ Midnight

Julieta has big life changing plans afoot until a chance encounter with a face from her past forces her to confront old tragedy and the spectre of long lost family. A lesser Pedro Almodóvar film to be sure but still a film worth watching as his work always tends to be interesting at the very least. A touching story that will strike a chord with plenty of viewers. Emma Suárez as the titular character does great work.

Dave   Sun   31/5   RTE1 @ 15.35

The president of the USA has been a bold boy and as a result ends up at death's door. Dave, a small town fella who looks uncannily like the big man gets called into action to impersonate him and keep the country running smoothly. Kevin Kline just nails it in this charmingly old fashioned comedy drama. A lovely Sunday afternoon watch. Sigourney Weaver and a rather intense Frank Langella have fun in support.

Billy Elliot   Sun   31/5   BBC1 @ 22.30

Durham. 1984. Thatcher is closing the mines and anger is rising. Against a backdrop of violence a young boy discovers a passion for dancing which does not please his old fashioned father one bit. A perfect film about the need to do what's right for you and not worrying about the status quo. Jamie Bell, Gary Lewis and the always brilliant Julie Walters do mighty work. A film to keep for when you need a lift.

War Of The Worlds   Mon   1/6   TG4 @ 21.15

A stevedore from New Jersey battles to save his family when the people of earth find themselves under attack by a vicious enemy. Tom Cruise is in super form as Joe Everyman is this genuinely scary and effective bit of science fiction from Steven Spielberg. One of the best post 9/11 disaster films. Cruise is reliable as always, Dakota Fanning as his daughter too but Tim Robbins steals in the show in a terrifying little vignette.

Murder On The Orient Express   Mon   1/6   RTE1 @ 21.30

12 knife wounds. A dead man in a cabin onboard a train across Russia. Who did it? Who knows? Luckily Hercule Poirot is onboard and he just happens to be the best detective in the world. This 2017 take on the famous tale was unfairly maligned on its release but it's well worth a watch. Even if you know the ending it's fun stuff, twisty turny and packed with all manner of famous faces. Kenneth Branagh, Penelope Cruz, Michelle Pfeiffer, Willem Dafoe and Judi Dench amongst others.

Mike Bassett : England Manager   Mon   1/6   ITV4 @ Midnight

After a tragedy strikes, a 4th rate football coach is called up to be the manager of a national team no one wants to deal with. His first big job? To lead his men to the World Cup finals in Brazil. What could go wrong? Ricky Tomlinson is priceless in this entertaining mockumentary. A sports story you'll get plenty of laughs from even if you hate the sport. The cigarette packet mistake is a joke for the ages.

Little Men   Tues   2/6   Film4 @ 02.15

When his grandfather dies young Jake and his family move into his apartment in Brooklyn. Below them is a dress shop owned by Leonor and her son Tony. Tony and Jake become quick friends until family issues interfere. A gentle and fantastically acted look at the joy and intricacies of childhood friendships and how they are effected by adult problems. Theo Taplitz & Michael Barbieri lead a fine cast.

How The West Was Won   Tues   2/6   TCM @ 13.30

This here is one of the most epic westerns ever made. The sprawling tale of one family over several decades from the Gold Rush to the arrival of the railroads. This is 3hrs of every western you've ever seen all rolled into one and with a cast that will amaze. James Stewart, Henry Fonda, Debbie Reynolds, John Wayne and too many others to begin to name star in this very enjoyable and beautiful looking story.

You're Next   Wed   3/6   The Horror Channel @ 22.50

Erin's a new face at a family reunion in rural Missouri that suddenly turns nasty when masked men interrupt proceedings. Adam Wingard's home invasion thriller is a blisteringly violent watch but it's one laced with loads of dark comedy to ensure you'll enjoy the ride. Sharni Vinson and A.J. Bowen have a ball as the leads in this deliciously warped look at family dynamics. You'll never run out your front door again after seeing this.

The Love Witch   Thur   4/6   Film4 @ 01.20

Elaine is a witch who wants to be wanted. When a love spell goes wrong she finds herself attracting all the wrong sorts of men. This tribute to the campy euro-horror movies of the 60's and 70's is a joy. It's a odd film, one that won't be to everyone's taste if you aren't familiar with the films it's homaging but if you are you'll have a ball. There's an important message in here too. Samantha Robinson as Elaine is a cracking lead.

High Noon   Fri   5/6   TG4 @ 22

A quiet western town finds itself cowering in terror when a feared gang makes a reappearance. Only one man is brave enough to stand up to them and on his wedding day too. One of the quintessential films of the western genre & an early example of revisionism. Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly lead the film as the newly married couple and are both superb. Gripping and exciting stuff. And all done in 85 minutes. What's not to love?

Punisher : Warzone   Fri   5/6   Film4 @ 23.45

Ever since his family died Frank Castle has been in...a bad mood. Any evil guys that get in his way tend to die horrifically. Now Jigsaw is in his sights and NYC is about to be painted red with blood. Lexi Alexander's take on The Punisher is magnificent fun. Head crushing, face mincing, baddie burning fun. A million miles from the tame Marvel comic book films of today. Ray Stevenson suits the title role to a tee and Dominic West has a whale of a time as a queasy looking scumbag.





May 29, 2020

Barred again


Here we go again. Blocked from twitter for this tweet. An incitement to violence if you will, according to the notice I got.

Fuck off.

May 27, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 16


The Good, The Bad And The Ugly. I was 9 or 10 the first time I saw it. Way too young for course but my Nana didnt care about things like age certificates. Basically anything was grand as long as there was no sex in it. I was staying there one evening which I loved because I was let stay up late. There was a film on, was I interested in watching it? Of course I was. Did I want a turkish delight bar? Of course I did. The film kicked off with that memorable technicolor credit sequence and that brilliant Sergio Leone score. I was lost at first but then I recognised an actor. Where had I seen him before? Nana knew what I was thinking. "That's Clint Eastwood. He's Rowdy on Rawhide." Of course, I loved Rawhide. Watched it with her all the time. That, Bonanza, The High Chapparal and The Virginian. We loved them all. From that moment of recognition to the final gunshot that saves Tuco from the hangmans noose I was hooked. My love of the western genre was set in stone.

Thanks for letting me stay up late Nana.

That one movie you can't bring yourself to watch

Have you ever had a film that for some reason you've just felt intimidated by? One thats been on your shelf for an age but you can't bring yourself to watch it for whatever reason? One of mine is a film from one of my favourite directors, starring one of my favourite actors. I owned it on DVD for 7 or 8 years and never took it out of its cellophane before giving it away to a friend. I've avoided it on Film 4 when I could have easily taped it. Now i have it on bluray and I swear to god the fucking thing is looking down on me and mocking me.

Grrr. My nemesis. All 162 minutes of it.


Look at that cellophane crying to be ripped off. That evocative artwork. That cast. Once I've watched it I'll have seen everything Martin Scorsese has directed.

I'll definitely watch it someday. Definitely.

Probably.

May 26, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 15


Intermission. My favourite Irish film. A who's who of Hibernian talent and a script guaranteed to make you laugh like Brian Blessed. Like all the best Irish films it kicks you in the heart but for once the humour outweighs the sadness and you'll leave this film smiling. Celtic mysticism, wheelchair races, thrown beans, lazy rabbits, Colm Meaney as the hardest cop on the island, brown sauce, horrible jumpers, flirty sex shop owners, ronnies, stone throwers, wannabe yanks, stolen cars, a hate of onion rings, rough lovin' and sporty auld wans. Its brilliantly funny and has a genuinely heartfelt finish too. If you don't leave this one happy you're broken inside.

A perfect pairing of sound & vision. Rio Bravo.

Purple light in the canyon,
that is where I long to be.
With my three good companions,
just my rifle pony and me.

A rare moment in a John Wayne film where he feels superfluous to the action.

There's about to be big trouble in little Rio Bravo. Joe Burdette's been arrested for murder and he ain't going quietly. His brother is Nathan Burdette and Joe knows his big brother, the rancher, won't put up with a jailed family member. Sheriff Chance (Wayne) has his hands full. His friend Wheeler (Ward Bond) has been gunned down and all he has left to back him up is Stumpy (the estimable Walter Brennan), the jailer with a bad limp, Colorado (Ricky Nelson), a teenager who was Wheeler's help and Dude (Dean Martin). Dude used to be handy with a pistol until a fondness for drink left him the laughing stock of the town. But now he has a chance to be of use again and he's trying his best the stay sober. Burdette's men are coming and the 4 have a moment of peace before all hell breaks loose.



A perfect example of the calm before the storm. Those dulcet tones. Dean Martin, a perfect choice for the role of Dude. His real life demons feeding into those of Dude's. Yeah the casting of Ricky Nelson was a cynical ploy to get the teeny bopper fans of his into the cinema but TBF so was Martin's casting. And it worked. It gave us this little piece of cinema magic, a perfect pairing of sound & vision.

Previous pairings 

Hard Boiled
8 mile
Wheels On Meals
The Office (UK)
Do The Right Thing
Se7en
Mad Men
The Colour Of Money
Rules Of Attraction

Kickboxer                                  

May 25, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 14


Amour. 127 minutes of devastation from the mind of Michael Haneke. The story of Anne & Georges Laurent, an elderly couple living in Paris. They've been together for over half a century and are totally dedicated to each other. One day Anne has a stroke and we get to see her crumble physically and him psychologically. It's a depiction of love and devotion that by the end will leave you broken and wondering whats the point of anything. I watched it once and admired it but would never watch it again. It's too brutal, too real. There's no let up and even though you know from the start how it will end the tension stays sickening.

Fuckin' Haneke. Gowlbag.

Butt Boy


Compulsions are a weird thing. Food. Shopping. Sex. Gambling. Excessive behaviour you know will damage you but you do it anyway. Why? Because you can't stop. Chip (Tyler Cornack) can't stop putting things inside himself. Nope, not his mouth. Remote controls. Pets. Entire persons. He hates himself for it and one night he ends up in his garage with a rope around his neck but his attempt to finish everything fails. 9 years later he runs into a cop, Russell (Tyler Rice), in his AA meeting and becomes his sponsor. Days later, a fateful decision made in the confines of his office puts Chip on a collision course with Russell that can only end messily.

It sounds like a particularly homophobic Farrelly brothers film doesn't it. The title and the concept would both set off alarm bells but to it's credit Butt Boy is played out totally seriously with not a bigoted joke in sight and without resorting to (too many) gross out moments. It's the kind of film you'll start off watching from behind your hands but then, at around the 30 minute mark you'll realise "wait a minute....this is oddly good" and by the gory, dripping finale you'll switch off, happy and satisfied with the films outcome and pleased with the knowledge that you've sat through something that you may never see again onscreen. Spoiler. A film where the finale plays out inside someone's rectum.


Yup. No, no, no, come back. There's something in here for everyone. Honestly. Psychological thriller. Family drama. Cops doing their thing. There's even a couple of action beats. Take out Chip's modus operandi from the film and you'd have a regular, straightforward story about a cop investigating his nemesis. But who wants to see that again? Nah, it's 2020, we want weird, we want surreal, we want a film that starts relatively normal before spinning off its axis into a world where the laws of physics don't apply. Butt Boy delivers this in spades. The last 30 minutes.....well you just got to see it to believe it. It's a priceless satirisation of a genre that climbed up it's own arse years ago. Ba dum TISH!

It works because of Tyler Cornack. Not only did he write and direct it but he's also playing the part of Chip and he's absolutely believable in the part. From his moment of realisation in his doctor's office to his moment of quiet acceptance at the end he commits fully and does things onscreen that would mortify a bigger name. There's even a couple of scenes where you'll actually feel sorry for him and considering a couple of his crimes that's no small deal. Tyler Rice as Russell doesn't do as well. His cop schtick feels cliched the second he appears but it fits in (De Niro impersonations and all) with the satirical feel onscreen. He's estranged from his wife and he has a drink problem. Bingo! When the two are together though it really works. A 'Heat' like chat in a coffee shop sets up the enmity, an office encounter builds the tension leading to a false finale shootout, once again, mano y mano like 'Heat', before things go crazy altogether.


Give it a go. It mightn't (it probably won't) be to your taste but it's like nothing you've seen before. Available to stream on google play and itunes now.

May 23, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 13


The Wind That Shook The Barley. I remember leaving the cinema rattled and full of hate after it. A deeply upsetting film. Was in my head for days afterwards. Imagine having political beliefs that would lead to you executing your friends and your family. It's impossible to wrap your brain around it. Righteous hate for an invading force turned towards the people you love the most. Jesus. The kind of film that makes me very glad i live in (relatively) peaceful times.

17 films on TV for you this week


Baby Driver   Sat   23/5   RTE1 @ 21.35

Baby's a legend behind the wheel. His skills have him in high demand as a getaway driver but he has to have the right tune playing in his ears. Edgar Wright's 2017 comedy thriller is far from his sitcom roots but it's a nice slice of excitement for a Saturday night. A wicked soundtrack, some full on belly laughs, a couple of blistering action scenes and a fine cast that includes Ansel Elgort, Lily James, John Hamm and Jamie Foxx.

I Love You Phillip Morris   Sat   23/5   TG4 @ 22.05

A spell in prison turns the law abiding Steve from a cop into a grifter. It also introduces him to the love of his life, the unassuming Phillip Morris. They make a plan to stay together forever. Quite a change from the films Carrey became famous for and a better watch for it. Hilarious in places, sad in others and a reminder that he's a skilled actor when he isn't gurning his heart out. Ewan McGregor as Phillip puts in a decent showing too.

Slow West   Sun   24/5   Film4 @ 00.40

Set on the wild frontier of 19th century America this is the story of a young man travelling west to see the woman he loves and the people he meets on the way. A deep and thoughtful movie, more so than your usual western, about the good and bad that people are capable of. But one that still delivers the beats the genre is known for. Kodi Smit-McPhee & Michael Fassbender as the leads are both very convincing,

The Age of Shadows   Sun   24/5   BBC2 @ 00.45

Lee Jung-chool is a policeman in 1920's Korea tasked with rooting out members of resistance groups that seek to thwart Japanese rule. But his background is forcing him to rethink teachings he once held true. A stylish and action packed look at a period in Asian history that never gets any airtime in Western productions. This is tense, exciting stuff and a leading turn from Song Kang-ho makes it all sing.

The Money Pit   Sun   24/5   RTE1 @ 15.50

Anna and Walter think they've struck gold when they find a mansion being sold for peanuts. But there's a reason it's being sold for peanuts. A joyous and in places hilarious look at the bizarre stresses people place on themselves in pursuit of a roof to put over their head. Shelley Long is grand but Tom Hanks just owns this film. Watch for his reactions to carpet hi-jinx and a bathtub accident. If you don't laugh you are dead inside.

East Is East   Sun   24/5   CH4 @ 23.25

The late Om Puri is outstanding in this 70's tale of a traditional Pakistani father who comes to resent the fact that his English born children aren't growing up in the ways he expects them too. A funny but at times quite hard to watch insight into life as an immigrant in England and one that refreshingly doesn't contain the same terrorist or fundamentalist tropes that these films usually do. Watch out for a baby faced Archie Panjabi.

Top Hat   Mon   25/5   BBC2 @ 14.50

If you've seen The Green Mile you'll recognise this film. The story of an American dancer in London and the dancing partner he first annoys and then falls for. After a series of mistakes and miscommunications of course. 85 years old this year and still as charming as when it was first released. Ginger Rogers & Fred Astaire create a little bit of magic onscreen together.  A delightful rainy (probably) afternoon watch.

The Glass Castle   Mon   25/5   TG4 @ 21.30

Jeanette Walls had an unconventional childhood. Led by her nomadic & arty parents, life as a child was tough & sometimes poverty stricken. Decisions she makes as an adult disappoint them. Brie Larson does satisfying work as the lead in an often upsetting story that takes a rose tinted look at the mistakes parents make when they put their own desires before that of their family. Woody Harrelson and Naomi Watts make for a very effective pair of muppets.

Suburbicon   Mon   25/5   BBC2 @ 22.00

Suburbicon. A postcard perfect 1950's town. One family is trying to hide the secrets within their own walls while another family is trying the survive the dark underbelly of perfection. George Clooney's take on a Coen Brothers script is undeniably messy but it's a darkly comic (in places) look at the horrible side of the American dream. Matt Damon, Julianne Moore and Noah Jupe lead in interesting cast.

Jane Got A Gun   Mon   25/5   Film4 @ 23.25

When her husband finds himself in trouble with a deadly gang of outlaws, a woman has no choice but to ask an old fiance for help. Things get bloody. Much was made of this film's troubled genesis but it's actually a exciting and well put together western and much better than it deserved to be. A lot of this is down to Natalie Portman's committed lead performance and a stellar supporting cast including Ewan McGregor and Joel Edgerton.

The Woman In Black   Tues   26/5   The Horror Channel @ 21.00

A heartbroken widower takes a new job dealing with documentation pertaining to a recently deceased woman. He gets more than he expected. Way more. This spooky adaption of Susan Hill's novel of the same name is a worthwhile chiller that thankfully relies more on scares and atmosphere than the usual blood and guts approach. A solid Daniel Radcliffe leads a good cast that includes Ciaran Hinds, Janet McAteer and Roger Allam.

Stalag 17   Wed   27/5   Film4 @ 11.00

American P.O.W.'s in a German war camp keep having their escape plans scuppered and one man finds himself being blamed for the leak. Now he has to find the real squealer before violence comes knocking on his door. Yeah it sounds like an odd proposition for a comedy but director Billy Wilder somehow makes it work. A very entertaining film filled with dark laughs and a top notch performance from William Holden as the accused man.

Murder Most Foul   Wed   27/5   TCM @ 13.30

After she causes a mistrial in a murder case due to disagreeing with the rest of the jury, Miss Marple joins a local theatre group to snare the person whom she thinks it the real culprit. A great whodunnit, funny and well made with a lovely story. You can't beat a Miss Marple film, they are just pure comfort food for the eyes. Margaret Rutherford as always is excellent in the lead role with a who's who of British faces in support.

The Rise   Thur   28/5   CH4 @ 01.55

Harvey's in a spot of bother. He's only out of prison a month and already he's been nicked again. So he takes a deep breath and tells us about the events leading up to his current predicament. Yeah I know British crime thrillers are a dime a dozen but this one is a bit of fun. Held together by a charming cast led by Luke Treadaway, Vanessa Kirby and Timothy Spall it's an exciting and humorous couple of hours.

Beast   Thur   28/5   Film4 @ 21.00

The Channel Islands are a strange place to live and Moll is feeling the pressure a lot lately. Her family are none to happy with her new fella and are quick to let her know their feelings. Ireland's own Jessie Buckley is fantastic in this little stunner of a movie. It passed under the radar of many in 2017 but its a film that deserves a huge audience. It's downbeat and dark but you'll be transfixed. Film of the week for me.

King Kong   Fri   29/5   BBC2 @ 14.50

Time for a classic. A film crew head to a strange place called Skull Island to shoot a film and discover a gigantic monster there, worshipped and feared by the locals, who takes a shine to the leading lady. 86 years later this film still has the power to amaze, enthrall and terrify. It is an honest to god masterpiece. Fay Wray and Carl Denham do super work as the leads but the star of the show here is the titular character. Kong is still king.

Young Adult   Fri   29/5   BBC1 @ 23.15

Mavis hasn't been home in a long long time but when her life goes awry she decides to go back to where it all started to see some old acquaintances. Mavis is a bit of a melt though. A brilliantly acted feel bad comedy drama about life's disappointments. It won't be for everyone but if you can stick with it there's plenty to enjoy. Charlize Theron is flawless as the lead and Patton Oswalt and Patrick Wilson are solid back up.








May 22, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 12


Stigmata. I hate it so much I've never seen it all. One of 4 films I've walked out of the cinema during. Even thinking about it gives me the gawks. I feel bad for Gabriel Byrne and Patricia Arquette for being in it. I feel bad for myself for paying for it. It's trash. Not even good trash. Nope, played totally straight and worse as a result.

#BeyondFriday

Things are different these days. With no pubs or cinemas open we have to find new and inventive ways to entertain ourselves. One of my faves is #BeyondFriday A group of likeminded individuals watch a film separately but talk about it together on twitter using the aforementioned hashtag. A hashtag that came around because the first film was Stuart Gordon's gloriously demented From Beyond and it was shown on a friday.

So far we've had From Beyond, The Hitcher, Bloodsport, Demolition Man, Roadhouse, Extreme Prejudice, Next Of Kin, Rawhead Rex and tonight's film is John Woo's 1993 masterpiece Hard Target. Yes, you might be sensing a tone. Nothing hoighty toity here, just brilliant cult classics. Most of us watching have seen the films before but if you haven't it's a fine way to be introduced to a film you're guaranteed to enjoy. Plus if you've seen them before, watching them with a likeminded crowd gives you a new point of view, points out things you haven't seen before. It's kind of cool, like going to the pub after the cinema for a chat about what you've just seen.

It's the little things that keep you sane.

May 21, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 11


Aliens. I've never got the buzz about scifi but the Alien series has always been a good one. Aliens the second film in particular. It's just a thrill ride with a brilliant hero, Ellen Ripley, just doing her best to survive. I think the reason she was so popular was because she felt ordinary, just someone doing their job who got caught up in something extraordinary and as such you root for her throughout the film, especially when her and Newt, the lil survivor, meet and bond. The aliens, a brilliant enemy, terrifying, intelligent, vicious, merciless. The soldiers, mostly faceless but with a couple of standouts. Hicks, calm and cool, the one you expect to save the day until the film flips it near the end. Hudson, the one who loses the plot but who can fight when it matters. Vasquez, the hardcase. Gets the best death scene in the entire series. The android, Bishop, who you expect to be an enemy after the events of the first film in the series but who turns out to be awesome in his own way. The setpieces. The first attack, nerveshredding but fantastically exciting. The face hugger trap. As terrifying as any horror film. The moment Ripley lets lose in the Queen's lair, disgustingly satisfying but really fucked up when you think about. And the final battle. Mother vs mother. Maternal instinct a-gogo. "GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!!"

Ah I love it.

Social distancing? Fuck that

May the 18th, 2020. The day Ireland turned into a fucking idiot.

"Social distancing? Sure only saps are still doing that."

"Masks? Only a pansy would wear one of those."

"Gloves? Gloves are for fannies."

"Oh fast food places are reopening? Woohoo I love a queue."

"We can meet friends again outside? Only in groups of 4? Go'way outta that, im meeting everyone. Sure none of us have the virus."

Stupid cunts one and all. Selfish fucking cunts. Not an ounce of cop on between them.

"But im bored." We all are. Get over it.

"I can't keep my teenager in." Yes you can. Threaten to turn off the wifi. Don't give them any money. Blackmail the fuckers to stay in.

Don't ruin it for everyone else because you've itchy feet.

I haven't seen my parents in 3 months. Hundreds of thousands are missing their family. Surely you can stay at home for a bit longer so we can see them sooner.

May 19, 2020

30 Day Film Challenger. Day 10


Superman 2. Always. More streamlined than the first and with a brilliant bad guy in Terrence Stamp. Hearing his Cockney accent bursting through when Zod gets angry will never fails to make me laugh. The city thrashing climax is superb too and those old practical effects are still amazing. But its one scene that makes it for me. Superman has given up his powers so he can be with Lois and not kill her with a super shag. In a diner he defends her honour and gets a beating for his troubles from a bully. Its a moment that terrified me as a young lad. Seeing Superman bleed. This isnt supposed to happen. It's a brilliant though, almost tragic but a real glimpse of humanity that you rarely if ever get in modern day superhero films. Plus it tees up a later moment of satisfying justice. I love it.

Lockdown watching

One of the very few upsides to this lockdown is the opportunity to watch new films and catch up on older stuff I've missed. Up to 29 so far. Hopefully I dont hit 50. Or god forbid 100.

Blackboard Jungle. Great. Lived up to the classic tag. Glenn Ford is cool.


Capone. Godawful. Tom Hardy is dreadful.

The Painted Bird. Tries way too hard to shock. Way way too hard.

We Summon The Darkness. Good schlocky fun.

Cleo From 5 To 7. My first Varda film gave me a taste for more.


Beastie Boys Story. Not as good as it could have been but very worthwhile for fans.

The Stand At Paxton County. Literally can't remember a thing about it.

Odette. Interesting look at ww2 from a different POV.

The Assistant. Good. Very topical. Quietly scary.

A Good Woman Is Hard To Find. Really good. A gritty, darkly fun Irish thriller.


Extraction. Very violent return to 80s carnage. Which of course meant i liked it.

Sea Fever. Probably the best Irish horror film ive seen. Sorry Grabbers.

Porno. DREADFUL.

Calm With Horses. Magnificent stuff. Cosmo Jarvis deserves to be a star.


My Spy. Really surprised by how much i liked it. Dave Bautista has done no wrong so far.

Oz The Great And The Powerful. The very definition of meh.

Starry Night. A pleasant bit of fluff.

Military Wives. Not bad at all. Sharon Horgan was great.


The Bridge At Remagen. Immensely dull. Star studded cast does not help.

Faces Places. A lovely watch. Finished it with a list of more films to watch.

Once Upon A Time In The Midlands. Shane Meadows joy. Way more fun than his usual films.

The Fighting Kentuckian. Good craic. John Wayne and Oliver Hardy, odd but it works.

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! An odd watch. Don't know whether i liked it or hated it.


Blades Of Glory. Hilarious. Avoided it for years before of Will Ferrell but really good fun.

The Jesus Rolls. A bag of piss.

VFW. Assault On Precinct 13 meets Cocoon. Hilariously vicious.

The Devil. Fucking disgusting. Inventive but disgusting.


Project A 2. Jackie Chan. You can't go wrong sure.

Coffee & Kareem. FUCKING DREADFUL

Butt Boy. Bonkers. Far better than i thought it would be.









May 18, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 9.



The Deer Hunter. 184 minutes of zzzzzzzzz. A film I've never gotten the love for and have gotten so many incredulous looks over the years because of it. Accusations of "But you don't really understand it" to being told I can't possibly understand cinema because i don't like it. I get it. I understand what it's about, it's themes, what its saying about America, the war, the way violence dehumanises everyone involved, men and friendship and male bonding, it's subtextual meanings, the things it's saying without actually saying. This is this. One shot. It just bores the hole off me. Sorry. I've tried. Believe me. I've owned it on VHS, DVD and Blu-ray, always giving it that one last chance just in case this time it grips but nope. No don't get me wrong, I'm not saying its a bad film at all, there's stuff in here to appreciate but it just takes soooooooo long to get therzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry I nodded off there.

The Wrong Missy


"Lick it good
Suck this pussy just like you should, right now
Lick it good
Suck this pussy just like you should, my neck, my back
Lick my pussy and my crack"

This is the song that plays over an attempted threesome scene halfway through The Wrong Missy. A scene that sees Sarah Chalke headbutted, elbowed and then kicked in the face. For, you know....laughs.

The lack of new movies coming out is forcing us film fans down some pretty desperate avenues and you know you've hit a real dead end when you find yourself watching a Netflix original comedy because the vast majority of them are appalling, lowest common denominator muck. (Watch The Package, it's woefulness will blow your mind) But when I saw the trailer for The Wrong Missy something about it made me smile so I gave it a watch on the off chance it might be a gem.

Never trust a trailer.


Tim (David Spade) has been heartbroken for months after Julia (Sarah Chalke), the big love of his life left him. His first date in an age is a disaster when Melissa (Lauren Lapkus), the worst person in the world, turns up and freaks him out. On a business trip soon after he makes a real connection after a meet cute with another woman called Melissa (Molly Sims). She's the one for him and they keep in contact via text message. He's happy again, life is feeling like it might get back on track. But unbeknownst to him he's been texting the first Melissa by mistake and doesn't find out until he invites her on a business retreat to Hawaii where he has to make a good first impression on his new boss. This proves rather hard to do with her in the mix.

One of the running jokes in The Wrong Missy is David Spade being sexually assaulted. Yes. Thats the kind of film The Wrong Missy is. The first time it happens you'll think "Hmmm, that's an ill judged joke." The second time it happens you'll start questioning yourself for still watching. You'll start questioning all your life decisions that brought you to this point in your being. You'll anger at yourself for deciding to watch a film that despite all the warning signs, you pressed play on. It's that bad. It's the kind of film that doesn't know how to end so brings in Vanilla Ice for a cameo. It has Rob Schneider, once again, playing a racially dubious cameo. There's a scene where the lead almost gets eaten by a shark and you'll be shouting for the shark. Everyone in this film is a shitbag. The men are all snarky or sleazy, the women are all wagons or psychopaths. If you're a fucking idiot like me and make it to the end you'll probably want to cancel your direct debit to netflix.


David Spade is David Spade. You know what to expect there and you'll get no surprises. Lauren Lapkus though, there's no denying she has talent, a comedian with a good aptitude for physical comedy and someone who isn't afraid to look foolish but jesus she deserves better than this. 5 minutes into the first restaurant scene you'll want her to go up in flames. Throughout the movie she's portrayed as an appalling human being but then out of nowhere the film tries to humanise her, to give the story a touch of pathos and it's here, finally that you'll laugh. Not because it's funny though. You may be asking "Why not turn it off if it's so bad?" You know when something is so awful you can't look away. That's what will happen to you when you watch this. And then you'll hate yourself.

The Wrong Missy is on netflix now. For masochists only.

May 17, 2020

30 Day Film Challenge. Day 8


Forrest Gump. A film I loved when I was younger but one that's aged so so badly. What once felt like warm nostalgia now feels like right wing propaganda. Jenny, the free spirit who had the temerity to run from an abusive childhood is punished for everything she does and ultimately damned with an incurable disease. Forrest, who fights for his country without question is gifted with everything he ever wanted. It's a hard film to watch these days but that soundtrack, despite what it's playing over, is undeniably great. A who's who of the best of the 20th century and unlike the film it's an inclusive mix of men and women, black and white. Aretha Franklin, Joan Baez, The Beach Boys, Fleetwood Mac, Gladys Knight, The Mamas And The Papas, Wilson Pickett, Buffalo Springfield, Jackie DeShannon, The Four Tops, The Supremes and so many more. A glorious blend of Soul, Jazz and Blues with a smattering of counter culture in the mix. A soundtrack that's painfully ironic when you think abut the film it's in.

May 16, 2020

Mike Starr. Another unsung hero of Film & TV


You know him. You do! Mike Starr! No, not the bassist for Alice In Chains. The New York guy! Born to play men from the darker side of life. Frenchie, the midnight to 8 man. Joe, the hitman foiled by Lloyd and Harry and a couple of spicy peppers. Big Mike, the bloke Seagal humiliates in a packed bar for his bigotry. He's a face you'll recognise straight away. You'll laugh when you see him. A huge presence onscreen but always fun one even when the films he's in are far from it.


Spike Lee gave him a case of blue balls and Kimmy Schmidt laughed in his face. William Friedkin gave him an early role in one of the most controversial films of the 80's. He stressed Tom Hanks out in one of the funniest films of the 80's and ended the 80's in arguably the most depressing film ever made. He then started the 90's with two of the best gangster films ever made. He's been booked by Dano, equalized by Robert McCall, analyzed by Frasier Crane and answered to Jed Bartlett. He's been directed by Bob Rafelson, Brian De Palma, Martin Scorsese, the Coen Brothers, John Hughes, Tim Burton Oliver Stone and....Steven Seagal. Been in brilliant cult classics and diabolical adaptions of James Ellroy books. All that and he's had his arse handed to him by both JC's, John Candy and Jackie Chan. It's a rare career that can boast that and Mike's had a rare career. 235 credits over 42 years. He's busy as hell and he isn't slowing down anytime soon. Check out his filmography here.

Greatest hits

Goodfellas. Frenchie. The man who made Henry Hill's first heist possible. Ends up in a garbage truck with a face full of bullets. 


The Bodyguard. Tony. The other bodyguard. Gets absolutely schooled by Kevin Costner in a brilliant kitchen scrap.

Dumb and Dumber. Eddie Mentalino. A subtle name. Bit of a bastard. Rips a budgie's head off. Hates loud noises.

The Office. Grotti. In an episode where *GASP* everyone thinks he's in the Mafia. A fun guest role just before the show went crashing downhill.

Previous heroes

M.C. Gainey
Mare Winningham
Dale Dickey
Vondie Curtis-Hall
Harris Yulin
Pepe Serna
Udo Kier
Fairuza Balk
Ernie Hudson
Lin Shaye
James Remar
Cloris Leachman
James Hong
David Strathairn
Frankie Faison
Conchata Ferrell
Dick Miller
Veronica Cartwright
Edie McClurg
Barry Shabaka Henley           
Raymond Cruz                        
Reg E.Cathey                          
Elizabeth McGovern               
John Amos                              
Bruce Greenwood                  
Mary McDonnell                     
Gerald McSorley                       
John Rothman                        
Margo Martindale                   
Kurtwood Smith                     
Paula Malcolmson                 
Luis Guzman                          
David Morse                           
Linda Hunt                              
Keith David                             
Zeljko Ivanek
Fiona Shaw
Xander Berkeley
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa
C.C.H Pounder
William Forsythe
Beth Grant
Sven-Ole Thorsen
Regina King
Ric Young
Mark Rolston
Illeana Douglas
Jeanette Goldstein
Al Leong
Allan Graf
Bill Nunn
Thomas Rosales Jr


Ugh

Do you know what's a real killer these days? Those rare moments where you forget about the absolute state of the world for a while and everything seems normal for a while then it all comes rushing back to you when you see an ad telling you to remember to wash your hands. Then you feel guilty for having a laugh and being carefree for a while when you remember all the suffering and death all across the country. Ugh.

2020 eats a dick.

16 films on TV for your delectation this week


The Hitman's Bodyguard   Sat   16/5   RTE2 @ 21.30

Michael Bryce is a bodyguard shamed by a past failure who gets a chance at redemption when called on to protect a witness who'll be testifying in a high profile trial. There will be blood. Lots of it. Splattered everywhere. A winningly crunchy watch packed with plenty of action and giggles. Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds work well together. Don't go into this expecting anything approaching realism.

Made In Dagenham   Sat   16/5   BBC4 @ 22.30

In 1968 in a northern England car plant, the women workers decided they'd had enough of financial and sexual discrimination and went on strike. A very entertaining film and one that's both excellently acted and topical in telling a story that's sadly ongoing 50 years later. The cast is a who's who of English talent including the always reliable Sally Hawkins, Bob Hoskins, Andrea Riseborough and Daniel Mays.

Traders   Sat   16/5   RTE2 @ 23.40

A dystopian tale about a game called Trading which involves people putting everything they have on the line in order to take part in the ultimate winner takes all game. A rather different kind of Irish film here that won't be for everyone but its certainly an interesting watch. Fine cast too including Killian Scott, Barry Keoghan and Aoibhinn McGinnity. This Saturday night Irish film slot on RTE2 is deadly, loads of stuff on here that would rarely be shown otherwise.

The Commune   Sat   16/5   BBC2 @ Midnight

Anna and Erik are a couple in 1970's Copenhagen who decide to open their home to friends, family and like minded others. A commune is formed but things of course go awry when egos clash and desires stir trouble. An interesting if overwrought look into the mores of both Danish life and 1970's culture when people weren't afraid of a bit of experimentation and freedom. Trine Dyrholm as Anna is brilliant.

The Blues Brothers   Sun   17/5   RTE1 @ 00.25

Two brothers finds themselves racing against time to put their band back together to raise money for an orphanage. But angry ex's, vengeful cops and Illnois Nazi's have other ideas. John Landis's 1980 musical comedy is a masterful blend of zany slapstick, crazy stunts, some cracking tunes and a load of belly laughs. John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd lead a seriously impressive cast of real musicians including James Brown, Aretha Franklin and Ray Charles. This film is much fun.

Kubo And The Two Strings   Sun   17/5   RTE2 @ 13.40

Kubo is living a happy life in his village when a horror from the past sends him off on mission to follow in his father's footsteps. This 2016 animation is a little stunner that was sadly overlooked on it's initial release but if you give it a chance you'll love it. It's full to the brim with imagination, action and flat out beauty. First rate voice acting from Charlize Theron & Ireland's own Art Parkinson adds to the joy.

Educating Rita   Sun   17/5   BBC1 @ 22.30

Susan's sick of her dull married life and afraid that having a child will ruin her. Frank's a disillusioned college professor. When Susan decides to go back to college they meet. Filmed in Dublin this platonic love story is a surprising watch, never exactly doing what'd you'd expect it to do. Julie Walters in her debut role is quite remarkable and Michael Caine's part will remind you of at least one person you've met on your educational path.

The Equalizer   Mon   18/5   ITV4 @ 21.00

Robert's violent past as a commando is behind him. Or so he thought. A chance encounter with a young woman brings it all flooding back. Antoine Fuqua and Denzel Washington's new take on the 80's TV show is a lot more vicious than it's source material but seeing Denzel going to town on an army of scum and villainy is surprisingly enjoyable. Melissa Leo, Chloe Grace Moretz and Marton Csokas give good support.

The Void   Mon   18/5   The Horror Channel @ 22.50

A sheriff finds a man covered in blood on a lonely lane and brings him to hospital. Things get crazy fast. And gory. Oh so gory. This low budget 2016 horror thriller is a fun watch filled with inventive scares and some lovingly created practical special effects. If you are anyway squeamish please do not watch this. Or challenge yourself and go for it. Things happen to eyeballs and intestines that you'll never forget. The unknown cast do impressive work too.

30 Days Of Night   Tues   19/5   Syfy @ 23.00

Vampires descend on a small Alaskan town that is engulfed in darkness for the winter months. Things get bad fast. A full blooded roar of a horror film. This is as far from Twilight as a vampire movie can get. Full on, vicious, terrifying stuff. If you are easily freaked out don't apply but if you like your horror films red raw and dripping you'll love this. Melissa George and Josh Hartnett are solid leads but Danny Huston in a wordless role owns the film.

Mona Lisa   Wed   20/5   Film4 @ 01.10

An ex con gets work driving a call girl from job to job and finds himself swiftly disgusted by the sordid things he sees playing out in London's underbelly. Bob Hoskins and Cathy Tyson are fantastic in this dark blend of love story and crime drama and surprisingly enough there's even a few laughs in here too to leaven the harshness. Directed by Neil Jordan. Plus its a change to see the vile side of Michael Caine.

Vivacious Lady   Wed   20/5   BBC2 @ 15.00

When he meets and marries a singer called Francey Brent after a rapid fire romance, a teacher called Peter Morgan is very reluctant to bring her home to his hoity toity family. This screwball comedy is 82 years old and it's still a hilarious watch as odd family dynamics and freedom of spirit clash. It has of course dated in places but Ginger Rogers and a baby faced James Stewart keep everything light and frothy.

The Scarlet Claw   Wed   20/5   TCM @ 16.10

Wednesday afternoon. Time for a whodunnit.  A woman is found in a pool of blood. Supernatural foul play is suspected but none other than Sherlock Holmes thinks something far more down to earth has happened. Basil Rathbone, who played the best version of the famous fictional detective is in fiery form in a Holmes tale not actually written by Arthur Conan Doyle and it's all the better for it. Funny, twisty, atmospheric. A great watch,

A Walk In The Woods   Thur   21/5   Film4 @ 21.00

Two men decide to hike the Appalachian trail. 2000 miles of wilderness. One is an aging writer and the other is a walking heart attack. Comedy ensues. Robert Redford's adaption of Bill Bryson's book of the same name is just a lovely film. If you like your comedy gentle but with a hint of a profanity then this is the film for you. Redford in the lead role is grand but Nick Nolte as his hiking partner Katz steals the show.

Sorry, Wrong Number   Fri   22/5   Film4 @ 11.00

A thriller set in the time of the party line, the shared phone line that anyone could listen in on. One night a bedridden Leona does that very thing and overhears that she thinks is a murder plot. Who could the victim be? What can she do to help? A very decent slice of film noir right here, dripping with atmosphere and smoky paranoia. Barbara Stanwyck and a young Burt Lancaster both do quality work.

Spotlight   Fri   22/5   BBC2 @ 23.20

In 2001 an investigative team of journalists from the Boston Globe newspaper began to investigate catholic church sex abuse cover ups. What they discovered shocked America. Tom McCarthy's 2015 Oscar winner is stunning and rage inducing watch that'squite hard to stomach but it's one worth sticking with. The outstanding cast includes Rachel McAdams, Mark Ruffalo, Liev Schreiber and Michael Keaton who all nail their parts.

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