The Wrong Missy

"Lick it good
Suck this pussy just like you should, right now
Lick it good
Suck this pussy just like you should, my neck, my back
Lick my pussy and my crack"

This is the song that plays over an attempted threesome scene halfway through The Wrong Missy. A scene that sees Sarah Chalke headbutted, elbowed and then kicked in the face. For, you know....laughs.

The lack of new movies coming out is forcing us film fans down some pretty desperate avenues and you know you've hit a real dead end when you find yourself watching a Netflix original comedy because the vast majority of them are appalling, lowest common denominator muck. (Watch The Package, it's woefulness will blow your mind) But when I saw the trailer for The Wrong Missy something about it made me smile so I gave it a watch on the off chance it might be a gem.

Never trust a trailer.

Tim (David Spade) has been heartbroken for months after Julia (Sarah Chalke), the big love of his life left him. His first date in an age is a disaster when Melissa (Lauren Lapkus), the worst person in the world™, turns up and freaks him out. On a business trip soon after he makes a real connection after a meet cute with another woman called Melissa (Molly Sims). She's the one for him and they keep in contact via text message. He's happy again, life is feeling like it might get back on track. But unbeknownst to him he's been texting the first Melissa by mistake and doesn't find out until he invites her on a business retreat to Hawaii where he has to make a good first impression on his new boss. This proves rather hard to do with her in the mix.

One of the running jokes in The Wrong Missy is David Spade being sexually assaulted. Yes. Thats the kind of film The Wrong Missy is. The first time it happens you'll think "Hmmm, that's an ill judged joke." The second time it happens you'll start questioning yourself for still watching. You'll start questioning all your life decisions that brought you to this point in your being. You'll anger at yourself for deciding to watch a film that despite all the warning signs, you pressed play on. It's that bad. It's the kind of film that doesn't know how to end so brings in Vanilla Ice for a cameo. It has Rob Schneider, once again, playing a racially dubious cameo. There's a scene where the lead almost gets eaten by a shark and you'll be shouting for the shark. Everyone in this film is a shitbag. The men are all snarky or sleazy, the women are all wagons or psychopaths. If you're a fucking idiot like me and make it to the end you'll probably want to cancel your direct debit to netflix.

David Spade is David Spade. You know what to expect there and you'll get no surprises. Lauren Lapkus though, there's no denying she has talent, a comedian with a good aptitude for physical comedy and someone who isn't afraid to look foolish but jesus she deserves better than this. 5 minutes into the first restaurant scene you'll want her to go up in flames. Throughout the movie she's portrayed as an appalling human being but then out of nowhere the film tries to humanise her, to give the story a touch of pathos and it's here, finally that you'll laugh. Not because it's funny though. You may be asking "Why not turn it off if it's so bad?" You know when something is so awful you can't look away. That's what will happen to you when you watch this. And then you'll hate yourself.

The Wrong Missy is on netflix now. For masochists only.