12 films for you to enjoy on TV this week

Logan   Sat   14/12   CH4 @ 21.00

An old and broken Logan is quietly eking out an existence as a limo driver. His X-Men days are far behind him. Until a young girl called Laura comes looking for help. This final installment in Wolverine's story is a stunner. A superhero/western/drama that will knock you for six even if comic book movies aren't your thing. Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart and little Dafne Keen are all in spectacular form here. BTW, it's brutally violent so be wary.

Pyewacket   Sat   14/12   Film4 @ 22.50

Leah's father is dead and her mother is understandably grief stricken. A decision made by her mother impacts hugely on Leah's life and she turns to the supernatural to deal with her problems. Things get sinister. A well made and very atmospheric tale that takes it's time telling a story that will reverberate with plenty of people. Nicole Muñoz and Laurie Holden do good work as mother and daughter.

Harry Brown   Sat   14/12   RTE2 @ 23.40

Harry is an elderly ex-marine who lives on a housing estate that has been ruined by drug dealers. One night he suffers a massive loss and decides not to look the other way anymore. Michael Caine is absolutely convincing in this well paced and gruelling thriller that will be too violent for some. Emily Mortimer, Liam Cunningham and a terrifying looking Sean Harris all give first rate back up.

Jeremiah Johnson   Sun   15/12   ITV4 @ 11.10

Jeremiah has had enough of war and wishes to live a solitary existence in the Rocky mountains. During his time there he lives an interesting life. To say the least. Origin of one of twitter's most overused gifs, this 1972 western is a highly entertaining watch. All the usual western tropes are at play here but there's also a tenderness you don't see very often. Robert Redford is brilliant as the titular character.

Borg Vs McEnroe   Sun   15/12   BBC2 @ 22.30

The year is 1980. The venue is Wimbledon. Bjorn Borg is king of the tennis world. 1980 could be his 5th consecutive victory. But a fiery American named John McEnroe is making waves. It's a little cheesy but this is an enjoyable look at a sporting rivalry that captured the imagination of the world, a film that you'll have fun with even if you don't like the sport its about. Sverrir Gudnason and Shia LaBeouf both do mighty work in the lead roles.

The Caine Mutiny   Mon   16/12   RTE1 @ 02.40

The U.S.S Caine is a minsweeper sailing the Pacific during WWII. It's captain is Francis Queeg. Capt Queeg is acting a bit off and Lieutenant Marik is feeling the pressure. A tense and claustrophobic story of madness, bravery and doing the right thing despite the outcome. Humphrey Bogart is as always excellent as Queeg and Van Johnson does fine as Marik. A highly influential movie here, you'll recognise plenty of it even if you haven't seen it before.

Love And Friendship   Mon   16/12   BBC2 @ 23.20

The beautiful Lady Vernon is laying low with her extended family in an effort to avoid the scandal swirling about her and while she's there she manages to cause more of it. This 1790 set drama is a scream. It's far from the stuffy period piece you'd expect, a watch filled with humour, inventiveness and a lovely sense of it's own silliness. Kate Beckinsale leads a great British cast in a very satisfying watch.

The Postman   Tue   17/12   TCM @ 23.25

In a land devastated by nuclear war a drifter finds new purpose for himself and others when he discovers a postal uniform and a bag of undelivered envelopes. Kevn Costner's 1997 sci-fi epic was unfairly ignored on release but it's well worth discovering. Yeah, it's cheesy and a bit cringy but it's well made, sincere in it's delivery (get it!!haha!) and led by an always reliable Costner as the man with a new plan. Will Patton makes for a nasty bad guy too.

A Fantastic Woman   Wed   18/12   Film4 @ 01.10

A transgender woman called Marina living in Santiago has her life turned upside down when her older boyfriend passes away suddenly. Sebastián Lelio's 2017 drama is a stunner. A subtle, thoughtful and briliantly acted look at a life in freefall caused by problems cis folk wouldn't even consider an issue. Danielle Vega as Marina puts in a barnstormer of a performance. This one is well worth staying awake for.

Senna   Wed   18/12   TG4 @ 22.30

A stunner of a documentary about the life and death of the famous Formula One driver Ayrton Senna. Even if like me you couldn't give a flying fig about the sport you'll still find yourself gripped by this absorbing, dramatic and exceedingly tense story. It paints a gripping portrait of a driven charismatic chap and even though you know how it will end you'll still find yourself hoping for a different outcome.

Honeymoon   Wed   18/12   The Horror Channel @ 23.00

During their honeymoon in a secluded cabin by a lake, things start going odd for newlyweds Bea and Paul after a midnight walk. It's hard to talk about without giving too much away but this is a psychological/sci-fi/horror hybrid that's very potent indeed. And one that some people may find offputting but if you can stick with it you'll be rewarded with a tense little cracker. Rose Leslie & Harry Treadaway as the leads are both spot on.

Event Horizon   Fri   20/12   SYFY @ 21.00

A spacecraft assumed lost in a black hole reappears and when a rescue team boards it they find things have gotten rather weird onboard. Paul W. Anderson's horror sci-fi was unfairly maligned on release but it's effective stuff and full of moments that will linger in your dreams long after you finish it. Deadly cast in this too including Joely Richardson, Laurence Fishburne, Sam Neill and Jason Isaacs amongst others.

Jumanji : The Next Level

In 2017 Jumanji : Welcome To The Jungle made 962 million dollars at the box office. It was clunky video game fun that cemented Dwayne Johnson as a massive star and made sure Kevin Hart became a chat show staple. The former was bound to happen eventually. The latter was an unforgivable crime against humanity.

Spencer (Alex Wolff), Martha (Morgan Turner), Bethany (Madison Iseman) and Fridge (Ser’Darius Blain) are home for the holidays. It's been a couple of years since they they were sucked into the Jumanji game and had the adventure of a lifetime. Time has moved on for everyone except Spencer. He's living in NYC but life is a massive disappointment. To combat the emptiness of his life he heads back into Jumanji and his friends have to go back to rescue him. This time Spencer's Grandad Eddie (Danny DeVito) and his friend Milo (Danny Glover) get dragged in too. But the extra players mess things up ingame and their usual avatars get jumbled around and grandad Eddie ends up in the body of Dr Smolder Bravestone (Johnson) while Milo ends up in Mouse Finbar (Hart) amongst other mix ups. What should be a straightforward experience has suddenly gotten very messy.

The first hour of this sequel is as crappy as crap can be be. It's a flat out repeat of the original film without any of it's surprises. The new characters and avatars make things unnecessarily confusing and the original film's weaknesses (computer game rules from the 90's, Kevin Hart, some truly awful CGI, not enough Rhys Darby) are carried over and for a while this looks like it's going to be a dead duck. But then slowly it lets itself start having some fun with it's concept, introduces an entertaining threat (Rory McCann, always menacing) and gives us Awkwafina, as new avatar Ming. Bland at first but a change in her personality turns her role into belly laugh central, that accent coming from that face will never not be a joy. She becomes the best thing about the film.

It's not hard in fairness. For all it's action and laughs this is big budget entertainment at it's most soulless. A cynical money making exercise carefully put together with just enough rude humour and scary action to thrill a family audience but not alienate them. An axe might fly at a head or a huge snake might attack but no one dies in a computer game. And it's not like you'll care anyway; at least with a comic book movie fans have a connection to the characters. Here we have a collection of mostly forgettable teenagers it's impossible to connect with. We don't get enough time with the real people because the film is in such a rush to get Dwayne and Kevin Hart front and centre. Hart does his thing (angry and small and desperately unfunny) and Johnson does his thing (big and punchy)and this will ensure the money rolling in.

I'd love to see a blockbuster take a risk for once. Something to make us gasp.Turning a character into a horse doesn't count tbh. Having Karen Gillan kick bad guys around the place to a Peter Frampton song isn't very groundbreaking (and a callback to the first film that feels unearned). You'll eventually have fun with this but you won't remember a thing about it 24 hours later. Except nunchuks. Nunchuks are always memorable.

In cinemas everywhere now.

88 films

On the 19th of this month I'll go see Star Wars : Rise Of Skywalker.

It will be my 88th film of the year to see in the cinema.

88 films. Fuckin hell.

But sure look it, i could be spending the money on heroin.

Jesus I sound like me Da there.

Honey Boy

"PTSD? I thought only soldiers and Black people got that shit?" A line of dialogue from the middle of Honey Boy that hits home hard on many levels. Spoken by an African American man, it speaks to the lived experience of the downtrodden while simultaneously showing just how misunderstood post traumatic stress disorder really is. It's a brutally honest moment in the middle of a brutally honest film.

2005. Otis is 22. He's an actor and he's going off the rails. Alcohol is his crutch and he's leaning on it far too heavily. A drink driving incident sees him in court ordered rehab and he's not one bit happy about it. Rewind 10 years to 1995. Otis is a precocious child actor on the verge of the big time. His father James is his manager. James means well but he's an abusive asshole living out his failed dreams through his son. Young Otis tries to stand tall but in his own words "I'm only 12."

Remember that time a few years ago when Shia LaBeouf became Hollywood's bad boy and it felt like it came out of nowhere? The kid from Holes, Disturbia and Transformers, Will Smith's buddy from I, Robot, what happened to him? Well now we know. Honey Boy is his story and it rubs our face in it all, it's a film that lays all his guts bare for us to see. It's very good but jesus christ it's grim. Abuse and neglect abound. It's an unflinchingly honest confessional, yes, the names are changed but this is Shia's origin and we see every strange little bit of it. Oh and by the way, he plays his own abusive father in it too. Eek. That's one way to exorcise your demons ain't it.

He's phenomenal in the role. Transformed by a horrible haircut and a rough Southern accent, his horrible actions are never soft soaped but he's also a believably human character pained by the fact that he lives off his son's earnings. An AA unburdening of past sins is a stunning moment when you'll hate him and feel sorry for him at the same time. Noah Jupe as young Otis does mighty work too. Like LaBeouf his part never once feels like a performance and it's so hard watching this little fella suffering. Between this, Le Mans' 66 and A Quiet Place it's been quite the 18th months for this young actor. He'll be around a long time and I can only hope his real life circumstances are as far from what's depicted here as possible.

These two are so good that the film stutters a tad when the narrative returns to 2005 and older Otis deals with his problems. As good as Lucas Hedges is the story feels a bit trite and cliched here with primal screams and hug therapy (yup) leading the way. It is set in Hollywood after all. It jars with the harsh past and brings the film to a climax that doesn't quite feel earned but thankfully the film's twisty chronology gives us loads to chew on; a young Otis encounter that starts off creepy but ends up almost dreamlike; a knife edge barbeque encounter and a brace of blistering motel room conversations.

LaBeouf, in a bid to prove his worth on the 2014 film Fury, actually scarred his own face, past pain bubbling to the surface, and now we get to see him not only play the man who caused that pain but play him with a sympathetic edge. It's a condemnation but there's still love there too. As such Honey Boy's a unique watch. The type of intense cathartic drama that rarely gets a wide release these days. You won't leave smiling but you'll be glad you stayed until the end. You may even want to watch Transformers again.....ok maybe not.

In cinemas now.

The Last Right

Rule of thumb. Never remove your earphones when you are on public transport. Just don't do it. Even when someone is trying to talk to you and they do that annoying hand signal for you to listen to them. Don't be afraid to be rude. Don't worry if you appear ignorant. DO NOT REMOVE YOUR EARPHONES. Because if you do you never know what will happen next. It might just involve lube, stolen coffins and international incidents.

Daniel Murphy (Michiel Huisman) is coming home. New York City to Clonakilty, Cork. His mother has just died and the funeral is soon. The elderly man beside him on the plane is a Murphy too. Not the biggest coincidence in the world on a Cork bound flight but a moment of human connection sees Daniel mistaken as the next of kin when his flying neighbour passes away midair. Now Daniel has to deal with his mother's burial, driving the body of a man he knew for less than 8 hours across Ireland, his own autistic brother Louis (Samuel Bottomley), the lovely Mary Sullivan (Niamh Algar) who's along for the ride with her own agenda and a whole dose of deep dark secrets.

The Last Right is a nice, low key charmer of a movie. It's a funny, touching, silly and splendidly Irish watch. Yeah it's predictable as hell and yeah it's a touch too long and finishes about 15 minutes later than it should have but when you have something this warm and fuzzy to enjoy such things don't really matter. It feels like a throwback to simpler Irish cinema, the stuff we used to get embarrassed about but now look back on with nostalgia. Dopey gardai, gombeen officials, vicious nordies, salt of the earth culchies, lovely looking chips, priests who were actually decent. It's all here.

One thing that isn't a throwback thankfully is the film's depiction of autism. Louis is a complex individual and the film respects that. Rain Man gets a namecheck but there's no autism related deus ex machinas here. Just a boy coping his best with a condition that makes certain aspects of daily life unbearable for him while the people around him try their best to learn and adapt for him. It's here The Last Right does what Irish films do best. Their wondrous ability to make you laugh while punching you in the heart. His bluntness is startlingly funny in places but his pain really hurts. As such Samuel Bottomley steals all the limelight throughout and even better, he pulls off a pitch perfect Irish accent. Kudos.

Michiel Huisman as a decent lead, selfish, self pitying, broken by the past, all conveyed well and Niamh Algar, while veering dangerously close to the manic pixie dream girl territory in early scenes solidifies her role later on with a bedtime confession that feels cruelly true to life. The chemistry between them works nicely and carries the film through it's sillier moments, including a crime subplot that appears and disappears without any impact. That subplot drives Colm Meaney's story along. Always an actor who could make a little from a lot, he's on form here and uses his grouchy mush to fine effect. I'd love to see him back in the lead of an Irish film. It's been way too long.

The Last Right is a nice easy watch. It will make you smile, give you a laugh or three and it might even make you cry. In cinemas now.

12 films on TV this week pour vous

JFK   Sat   7/12   TG4 @ 21.15

22/11/63. A president's head explodes in the middle of Dallas. Jim Garrison, a New Orleans D.A. notes inconsistencies in the official report years later and starts to question things. Oliver Stone's 1991 film is a fantastic watch, one that will make you re-evalute and look differently at the way you consume history, news & media. Kevin Costner rocks it as always and leads a cast full of famous faces.

Foxcatcher   Sat   7/12   RTE2 @ 23.50

2 brothers readying for the 1988 Seoul Olympics find themselves sponsored by an eccentric millionaire and move into his estate to train. Things get strange. A stunning film, unsettling in places, haunting and cringeworthy in others and full of amazing acting. Steve Carell owns the film with a superb performance as a very troubled man but Channing Tatum really surprises too. This film shows a very different side to him.

Short Term 12   Sun   8/12   CH4 @ 01.30

Grace is a supervisor at a care facility for troubled teenagers called Short Term 12. It's a tough job both physically and mentally and made harder when Grace's personal life becomes complicated. Brie Larson is in fine form in a sobering and genuinely moving story about the people helping those on the fringes of society that always get ignored. LaKeith Stanfield is immense as one of the teens in her charge.

Commando   Sun   8/12   E4 @ 21.00

John's daughter has been kidnapped in order to blackmail him into committing murder. A very ill thought out idea indeed. This 1985 action thriller is a slice of campy, vicious joy. It's the ultimate Arnold Schwarzeneggar experience. Blood, explosions, nonstop gunfire, glistening muscles, snarling bad guys and enough one liners to sink a cruise ship. Arnie is mighty craic as always but Vernon Well's bad guy owns this film.

It's Complicated   Sun   8/12   RTE1 @ 21.30

Jane and Jake have been divorced for a decade. Jake is remarried. Jane has a new man. So why would they make life hard for themselves and rekindle a lost love? This romcom is a highly enjoyable watch, full of heart and perfect comic timing. Old pro's like Meryl Streep & Alec Baldwin mix with newer faces like John Krasinksi & Lake Bell to fun effect.

Nebraska   Mon   9/12   CH4 @ 01.05

A father and son called Woody and David are taking a trip from Montana to Nebraska to claim a win. Woody is slowly losing his memory to dementia and David is dragged into the mess. Alexander Payne's comedy drama is a beautifully written and crafted look at the complexities of family relationships. Plus it has a couple of wicked belly laughs hidden away. Bruce Dern, Will Forte and especially June Squibb are all on fire.

No Country For Old Men   Mon   9/12   TG4 @ 21.30

A man chasing deer finds himself in a world of hurt after he absconds with money found after a drug deal gone wrong. This neo-western from the Coen Brothers is a magnificent watch. A gripping thriller that will have you on the edge of your chair as the hunter becomes the hunted. The cast is first rate too with Josh Brolin, Kelly McDonald, Woody Harrelson, Tommy Lee Jones and Javier Bardem all lashing into meaty roles.

American Honey   Mon   9/12   Film4 @ 22.50

A teenager gets the chance to escape her dreary bonds and explore the American midwest with a group of like-minded individuals. This Andrea Arnold directed drama is (imo) the best film of 2016. A complex, emotional and blisteringly real watch all about a forgotten place and the forgotten people that populate it. Sasha Lane is astonishing in her movie debut and Shia LaBeouf does wonderful work in support

The New Girlfriend   Wed   11/12   BBC2 @ 00.05

Claire has just lost her best and oldest friend. It's a tragedy that rattles her to her core. To fight her loneliness she visits her friend's family and gets a large surprise. This François Ozon film is the kind of movie Hitchcock would have made if censorship constraints hadn't been an issue. A dark, moving, blackly humorous watch that's led by two stunning performances from Anaïs Demoustier and Romain Duris.

The Edge Of Seventeen   Wed   11/12   BBC2 @ 23.15

High school life is miserable for Nadine and it gets worse when her best friend starts dating the most popular kid in school, her brother Darian, the ultra jock. This is teen movie par excellence. The angst, stress and awkwardness of your teen years is captured by pitch perfect performances from Hailee Stanfield, Haley Lu Richardson and Woody Harrelson. All this and it manages to be a warm and in places very funny watch too.

Ginger Snaps   Thur   12/12   The Horror Channel @ 22.50

Brigitte and Ginger are two teenage sisters who share a morbid curiosity with death. This curiosity explodes when Ginger is bitten by a strange dog and starts acting ...differently. This women led take on the old tale of lycanthropy is an entertaining watch. Ya, it's packed full of gore and queasy moments but it's also laced with dark humour and metaphorical meaning. Emily Perkins and Katherine Isabelle are perfect as the main characters.

Quadrophenia   Fri   13/12   Film4 @ 01.10

Jimmy hates his life and is only happy when he's on his scooter and surrounded by his mod friends. One day they take a faithful trip to the South coast of England and his life changes forever. A true classic from an age when youth subcultures were a thing. A look at life's high peaks and deep deep valleys lead by a blazingly angry and raw performance from Phil Daniels. Sting as Ace Face is great as disappointment personified.

Motherless Brooklyn

Edward Norton bought the rights to Jonathan Lethem's novel Motherless Brooklyn in 1998 when he was at the peak of his career. American History X had just hit big, Fight Club was on the way and the 25th Hour was in the pipeline. He could do no wrong. Then nothing happened. But now after 20 years of messing around with the story, changing the setting from 1999 to post war America and adding a major new character he's finally brought it to the big screen and the result is........ well it's kinda underwhelming.

Lionel Essrog (Norton) works for a detective agency in Brooklyn ran by Frank Minna (Bruce Willis). As a child Lionel developed a severe case of Tourette's syndrome and his life in the orphanage where he lived was a tough one as a result. 3 boys, Gilbert, Danny and Tony protected him and eventually all 4 were taken under the wing of Minna and brought up in the way of detection. As an adult Lionel's affliction alienates some but his photographic memory has made him a valuable part of Frank's business. One day a shocking burst of violence rattles Lionel's world and he's forced to dive headfirst into a new case. One that will change his life forever when he finds himself crossing the path of Laura Rose, (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) an activist fighting gentrification and Moses Randolph (Alec Baldwin), the man in charge of city development.

Everyone likes a bit of film noir. The style, the darkness, the brutality, the seedy underbelly of everyday life, it appeals to our baser instincts. Edward Norton likes film noir a little bit more than most. So much so that he changed a book's entire setting to suit his own sensibility. It doesn't work. It rings hollow. It's like a photocopy of an original. It looks the same but feels wrong. It's little moments that don't ring true. An interracial relationship that's never commented on, a man with a disorder like Tourette's who's rarely mocked. Nowadays no one would bat an eyelid but the 50's were less enlightened times. That kind of modern attitude just doesn't feel right in a period piece. If you're going to go noir you have to show the bad with the good.

Norton is strong in the lead and his Lionel is a sensitive and decent soul but a couple of moments of serious overacting undermine the tension the film generates. It feels like his Tourette's is being used at times for comic value and it feels a bit icky. That said it is good to see this kind of representation on screen. He never lets it hold him back. A lot of the time the story comes from a character's troubles but here it's just a fact of life for Lionel. It's been a while since I've cared about a Norton character onscreen and it's nice to feel that way again. Gugu Mbatha-Raw as Laura Rose puts in a fine shift too. A mixed race woman in post war America was always going to turn heads and it's this lived experience that helps her and Lionel come together as both know the feeling of being different. The chemistry between Norton and Mbatha-Raw is palpable and gives us a lovely moment of calm in a jazz club, the one time the film feels genuine.

While you watch this it's not hard to draw parallels between the then and the now. Lionel's investigations uncover all manner of dodginess where the have not's of the city are getting it in the neck and government officials act like untouchable demigods. Sounds fierce familiar doesn't it. At times the film is so blunt in it's message it feels like you're being hit over the head with a hammer. Motherless Brooklyn isn't a subtle film at all but having the bad guy played by someone who dresses up as Donald Trump every Saturday night on TV is genuine overkill. Baldwin is good in the part though. Recently we're used to the comic side of his persona but the man does good menace and here he oozes corruption and venality and his monologue on the true meaning of power is gut wrenchingly nasty and far too true to life.

Norton has given it a fair go but he falls short. There's plenty of goodness here though, some superb acting (even Bruce Willis turns off his recent sleepwalking mode), the propulsive score is a stunner and the film's evocation of 50's Brooklyn is very easy on the eye but the pieces never gel together. Ah well, it's better to try and fail than never try at all. In cinemas from today.

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Fave films of the century so far - 2016 - American Honey

American Honey was my favourite film of 2016. It's a fuckin hard sell though when you're describing it to someone. A 163 minute long movie about teenagers selling magazine subscriptions in middle America. A description that would put anyone off watching quite frankly but director Andrea Arnold pulls off a miracle and creates a masterpiece. A dark, vivid shot in the arm. A depressing, dark, dangerous but life affirming story of America's lost and alienated youth.

Star (Sasha Lane) is a young girl going nowhere fast in a small Oklahoma town. She spends her time looking after her two younger siblings and her father is a sleazy piece of shit. She spies a way out when she meets a group of young sales people and is offered a chance at seeing America and making some money on the way. The below scene is the moment she gets hooked by a glimpse at a freedom she's never experienced.

Who'd have thought Shia LaBeouf dancing to Rihanna in a Walmart would create such a joyous moment. The lyrics are hilariously on the nose. "We found love in a hopeless place." Star finding friendship and a new life in Walmart. The music a million miles away from the depressing country dirge popular in the bars around the town. Shia's hilarious moves are very different to the regimented line dancing loved by the locals and his joie de vivre is exactly opposite that of the other man in her life. She wants to get out, he knows it and reels her in. Rihanna's "Yellow diamonds in the light" promising the money and adventure she'll never know if she stays.

And adventure she gets. In spades. Goddamnit it's a brilliant film. Lane in her debut role rocks it and LaBeouf, an actor fast turning into one of the most interesting and eclectic of his generation amazes.

Magazine selling. Who knew.

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Jay And Silent Bob : The Reboot

The best thing someone could do to Jay and Silent Bob would be to dope them up good and proper, drive them to a secluded New Jersey forest, shoot them in the head and bury the bodies. Their time is up. They've had their shot. This new film has just pissed all over the good memories we've had of them from their 90's heyday. Oh sweet jesus it's bad.

In 2001 Jay and Silent Bob traveled to Hollywood to stop a movie being made about them. They, being idiots, of course failed miserably. In 2019 the rights to the movie are sold for pennies and the lads lose the right to use their own names when a reboot is mooted. So once again they set off to Hollywood to stop this movie being made but on the way Jay bumps into a face from his past and meets someone who may change his future.

There's a scene late in the film where our leading men run into Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck), the star of Kevin Smith's 1997 classic Chasing Amy. He talks to them about trying to hold on to the past but then the need to let it go and move on. The irony of this scene can't have gone over Kevin Smith's head. Actually this desperate attempt to relive past glory is so bad that it will retroactively destroy your memories of the past so in a way it's worked. Fair play to Kevin Smith. He's made it work meta style. If only this was the case. It's a pathetic film, shoddy, desperately unfunny, held together by called in cameos and Smith's embarrassing, almost compulsive need to take potshots at himself and his work. Ripping the piss out of yourself is funny once, but 100 minutes of it isn't a good look man. Just go to therapy. It's cheaper.

The old faces are back, bloated, hauntingly skinny, decrepit from drug use, plastic from surgery. Faces that remind you how much better Smith's work was in the past. Faces that make you realise how far he's fallen. In striving for a blast of nostalgia he'll just make you upset instead. Nothing about this works. He takes the piss out of reboots but falls into the same traps the worst of them do, namely not understanding that some things just belong to a certain time, they worked because they captured the mood of an era. His audience has moved on, we've become more cynical, more demanding, less tolerant of nonsense. This new effort just doesn't measure up at all.

Jason Mewes hamming it up now grates instead of entertains. Smith's mute Bob is there to be slapped not laughed at. Smith's daughter Harley Quinn Smith as Millennium Faulken (get it!!) is so bad she could conceivably ruin cinema. It's weed and internet jokes will make you want to crawl up inside yourself out of shame. It takes shots at Hollywood's lack of imagination and America's racism and messes up both. It's nods to fans will embarrass the die hards and alienate newcomers. Even Jason Lee, always the best thing in the Smith universe can't help this. And Chris Hemsworth, in a holographic cameo looks as embarrassed as you surely will be for watching this phoned in muck.

Don't watch this. Don't even wait for it to come on netflix. Just pretend it never happened. Your inner teen will thank you.

Happy Chrisbaah humbug

It's bad when you're sick of Christmas already aint it. The 3rd of December and you've had your fill and the main event is still 3 weeks away. It's everywhere. A constant throbbing bombardment. BUY THIS. GET THAT. SPOIL YOUR FAMILY. GORGE YOURSELF. Shut the fuck up.

I love Christmas but it's sickening me this year. It's starting too early and its getting earlier every year. November 1st 00:01 and it starts. It's unavoidable. And luckily i can kind of afford to buy stuff. What about those who can't or have a lot to buy for. The pressure must be immense. The shame of not being able to keep up with the joneses must be unbearable.

Capitalism 1 : Us 0

Charlie's Angels

"I think women can do anything." Charlie's Angels makes it's intent clear in it's opening seconds with these words from Kristin Stewart's Sabina. This is the 2019 version of things. Within minutes she's making an absolute idiot out of her mark. Telling him to his face what she's going to do to him while he looks at her with a dopey look of disbelief on his face. Then all hell breaks loose. Ah It's nice to have the Angels back.

A new invention called Calisto is about to set the tech world on fire. It's source of clean energy but also a source of danger when an engineer on the project called Elena (Naomi Scott) discovers it can be weaponised and used to covertly assassinate. After her concerns are ignored she calls for the help of Charlie's Angels, a group of female spies and is teamed up with Sabina and Jane (Ella Balinska). Their handler is Bosley (Elizabeth Banks) who gets them the wheres and whens and they take care of the rest. An initial encounter with Elena is interrupted by a gun wielding assassin and everyone suddenly finds themselves up to their necks in danger.

Yep, it's yet another franchise resurrection. There's been a lot of them lately and yeah they they aren't really necessary but in this horrible age of uncertainty and imminent disaster lurking on the edge of every social media timeline they feel kinda comforting. This year we've had Rambo, The Terminator, Child's Play, Shaft and Jay &Silent Bob and now Charlie (once again never seen) and the gang are back. The new film is a fun watch. It doesn't reinvent anything but it's much better than some reviews would have you believe. It's odd, a lot of people are holding this to a much higher standard than they would if it was yet another testosterone fest. If The Stath was globe trotting and impaling bad guys on party ornaments no one would bat an eyelid but because it's women it's lacking depth and subtlety? Pfft, Cindy Lauper once said girls just wanna have fun and you know, i think she may have been onto something.

Elizabeth Banks 2nd directorial effort has a nice global spy movie feel to it. Paris, Istanbul, Hamburg, Rio De Janeiro all pop up & all are filled with exotic bad guys and glamour galore. It hits all the beats you'd expect (the stealth infiltration of an office that goes rapidly wrong is a scream) and then a few you don't. We get to see the stuff the Bond's of the world never have to deal with. Being told to smile, being talked over, credit being taken, unwanted contact and flirting. Plenty of reviewers have whined about this film of having a feminist agenda but all it's doing is pointing out the things every woman watching will have dealt with. If you're complaining about this you might want to have a think about yourself. It's all done with a light touch anyway, it never feels like a sermon and it never gets in the way of the entertainment as Banks gets the blend of laughs and action right.

Kristin Stewart as Sabine and Patrick Stewart as an ex Angel's handler have a whale of a time. Both have been humourless onscreen in the past and it's good craic seeing them cut loose. The younger Stewart displays a fine comic timing that makes up for her lack of action chops (a couple of the action scenes are very clumsily shot to cover this up) but Ella Balinska's Jane more than takes up the slack here. She's a face we'll be seeing a lot more of soon. Statuesque, funny, looks convincing kicking someone's head in. She'll get her own action franchise in time but in the meanwhile she does good here. Jonathan Tucker's bad guy is a dull squib though. Mostly mute apart from one telling word. So many modern action flicks fuck up the bad guys, leaving them feeling like an afterthought. It's frustrating but thankfully there's plenty of enjoyment on display to help us overlooks the negatives, a crunching coffee shop face off, a novel use from a computer mouse, the holistic side of espionage and a funny early sight gag that ties this film back to the original series and the Cameron Diaz starring films of earlier this century.

Give this a chance. Ignore the basement dwellers who've given this a bad IMDB score without ever seeing it. Make your own mind up. Come for the nostalgia and relax when you realise you're having a good time. Oh and stay put for some surprises in the credits too.

Fave films of the century so far - 2015 - The Martian

Sometimes you just gotta love a crowd pleaser. A big flashy bonanza fuelled by star power and a budget that would sink a small country. Most of them are silly nonsense that insult an audience's intelligence but every now and then we get something like The Martian. An epic that's nourishes the eyes and the soul.

Mark Watney's trapped on Mars. Him and his crew were taking samples on the surface when a massive storm hit and he was assumed dead. To protect the rest of the crew Commander Lewis (Jessica Chastain) gave the order to take off but little did they know he was still breathing. The quickest another mission will arrive is in 4 years time so he's got to use his ingenuity to make his meagre rations last that long and try not let loneliness destroy him.

It sounds a bit dull and it's anything but. It's actually a joy to watch. Funny, intelligent, thrilling, clever, upsetting and all carried along by a barnstormer of a performance from Matt Damon. The film does skip back between Earth and the remaining mission astronauts quite a bit but this one is Damon's baby and he keeps you glued to the screen throughout. His likability turns what could be a smug, one note role into something special. And it's that likability that heaps tension on you while you watch. You're terrified for Mark throughout and by the end you're biting the knuckles off yourself.

Luckily he's well able to look after himself as proven below.

 

A lovely couple of minutes. How many other blockbusters would show us how to grow spuds in space. There's toilet humour in here worthy of the Farrelly brothers, add in a bit of science to make water & oxygen and some old fashioned elbow grease and Mark has enough food to last him until he's rescued. Or does he?

Red planet shenanigans aside there's a lot of fun to be had back on Earth too. A superb cast comes together to build a plan to bring Mark home. The Earth's superpowers do the same. China and the US working side by side. Everyone on the planet watching the news every day hoping and praying for a happy ending for the most remote human being ever. Everyone connecting for a common cause. It's the kind of film that would give you a little hope for the future of the planet and it's why it's my favourite film of 2015.

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