The hilarity of TV versions of films

"You're one bad motherCRUSHER!"

"Where'd you get that scar tough guy? Eating pineapple?"

"HEY FLIP YOU MELONFARMER!"

“Forget me? Forget you, you mother-forgetter!” 

“My name is BUCK, and I like to PARTY!” 

“This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my mouth.” 

“Yippe-kai-yay, Mr Falcon!” 

"Well I don't wanna break up the meeting or nothin', but she's somethin' of a cow, ain't she Doc?

Just some of the beauties heard on TV over the years. American TV is notorious for butchering movies so as not to offend the conservative right. Language is hilariously replaced, sex scenes are removed entirely but oddly violence tends to be left alone. They 're a strange bunch over there.Simultaneously repressed yet pulsating with a bloodlust that's second to none. Irish & English TV is great, the vast majority of films are shown in their unabridged versions but the last one on the list below was once screened on ITV at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon in a version that must have been missing at least 30 mins of running time.

The Big Lebowski



"This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass" becomes "THis is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps." It becomes so entertainingly nonsensical that I can only assume the Coen Bros had a hand in the editing.

Casino


A Tour De Force of editing turns a brilliant Joe Pesci rant into something out of a cartoon. Also note the not so subtle anti-semitism in the changing of "jew motherfucker" to "jew money lover." Hmmm.

Die Hard 2



Ridiculous. Freaking ridiculous. The voiceover dubbing out McClane's profanities doesn't even attempt to sound like him.

Goodfellas



At least Pesci provides his own overdubs here. Still awful though. "Go feed your mother."

Snakes On A Plane



"Monkey fighting snakes" "Monday to friday plane". Gotta pay them their dues, no one could have expected those replacements. 

Robocop



Painful. Crumbaggingly painful. The edited version was the one shown on British TV. The first version a lot of us saw. Needless to say the uncut version blew our little minds when it finally turned on RTE.