The 6pm news was a joy today. Not only are there false widow spiders in Ireland but they are biting people too. This is not good. Spiders are filth. 8 legged scumbags from hell.
I remember the day vividly. Me and my brother were watching TV and we noticed a spider climbing up the living room wall behind the TV. I was 7 or 8 and an idiot so we went over for a look. It was a big hairy yoke and we were both repulsed and curious. I got closer to take a proper look and it JUMPED ONTO MY ARM.
That was it. That's all it took for arachnophobia to have me in it's grip. I hate them. I freeze when i see them. Anything bigger than a stamp and i flee the room in terror. At least outside you can walk away but when they intrude into your home it's something different. It feels like they can sense our fear and they love it. The hairy little hoors.
Years ago when i was in college i went up to visit friends in Galway for rag week. We had a heavy night out and the next day went for a stroll around town. We went into a pet shop on Quay street and there I came face to face with a Tarantula. It was in a glass cage but i still belted out of the shop at the speed of sound and stood trembling outside Tigh Neachtains. 21 years ago I can still feel the mix of terror crossed with the gut wrenching misery of a Guinness & Supermacs hangover.
I know phobias are stupid and a spider phobia is an especially stupid one to have as there are no dangerous spiders in Ireland. Until now. Now the bastards are not only invading our spaces but they're attacking us too.
This will not do. This will not do at all. I need to come up with a plan of action.
*googles cheap flamethrower*
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