October 10, 2018

22 July


On the 22nd of July 2011 a far right terrorist called Anders Behring Breivik carried out two terror attacks in Norway. The first was a homemade bomb he set off at a government building in Oslo which resulted in 8 workers were murdered. He then went to the island of Utøya were he gunned down hundreds of people, the vast majority of them teenagers enjoying a summer camp ran by the Workers Youth League. 69 more people died.

This true life take on one of Norway's darkest days is seen from the point of view of 4 men. Prime Minister Stoltenberg (Ola G. Furuseth) as he struggles to lead a country in turmoil, Viljar Hanssen (Jonas Strand Gravli) a young man who was shot on the island during the massacre, Geir Lippestad (Jon Øigarden) as a solicitor tasked with a thankless role and finally Breivik (Anders Danielsen Lie) himself. 

This was tough stuff as you can imagine. The film opens on Breivik as he prepares his attacks and these scenes are intercut with teenagers arriving for a fun island summer. Happiness, laughter, joyous reunions with friends from the summer before. Hugs juxtaposed with bomb preparation. Smiles cutaway away to automatic rifles being checked. The film puts you on edge instantly and leaves you with a desperate feeling of impending doom. These idealistic kids, their future in front of them, soon to be ripped away by a man angry with the world. The aftermath is almost as horrible. Endless hospital scenes, eerily calm interrogation rooms and the sounds of a country in anguish. All seen through the lense of Paul Greengrass, a director with plenty of prior history of depicting true life terror. 


The attack itself is horrific. Breivik clinically and calmly dispatching the children before him without breaking a sweat. Thankfully Greengrass isn't a leering or exploitative director and like he did with the Bogside massacre of Bloody Sunday and the plane hijacking in United 93 he shows us the brutality of the attacks without any gratuitousness. We're never let forget these victims were real people. It's very upsetting to watch these kids fleeing for their lives without any way to defend themselves. Some people might question the depiction of the massacre. Was it necessary? It's definitely troubling. Some people watching won't be able to get past it. I'm glad Greengrass shows it at the start of the film though. He doesn't use it to build suspense because that would have been in very bad taste.

The remaining 2 hours of the film delve into the aftermath of the attacks. Breivik claims he's the first of many unhappy with the multicultural turn Norway has taken. An unsettling line of dialogue from his Mother shows he definitely isn't the only person to think this way. Anders Danielsen Lie plays him with a horrible chilling stillness. He's the hero in his own story but the monster in everyone elses. He's flat out terrifying. Calmly eating pizza in a police station and asking for a plaster for a cut on his finger as 100's lie wounded in overcrowded hospital around Oslo. Chief among them Viljar. The well liked nice guy who was mown down on a beach at the edge of the island. His slow and painful recovery becomes a metaphor for Norway itself. Agony, healing and ultimately recovery. For all it's darkness the film is a hopeful one. Optimistic that hate will always be overcome. "My children and their children, they will beat you."

At nearly two and a half hours long it's marathon going and yes, not all of it works. The Prime minister thread is particularly sluggish but it's an important film. The kind of political ideals shown by Breivik never end well. These beliefs need to be nipped in the bud and it might take a film like this to get people really talking, younger people especially who live for Netflix were this is available to watch now. It's a harsh movie, one that's hard to recommend but one that should be watched.


October 09, 2018

The consistently late

"Want to meet at 1?"

"Ya, nice one. Nancy Blakes?

"Deadly, see you then."

I turn up at about 12.58. Phil walks in with the big nonchalant head on him at 1.42. I'm on me second Lucozade,

"What's wrong with you?"

"You're 40 minutes late. Again"

"So? Don't be a fanny."

"..........."

#ragemode

Nothing riles me up faster than someone who's always late. It's just not on. Fair enough if it happens occasionally. Life crops up, gets in the way, traffic jams, bus delays, sickness, all that jazz, things like that can't be helped but when someone is late constantly it's just acting the bollix.

It's like someone saying to you "I don't really give a fuck about you or your time." It's the height of ignorance. Of course like a fool I'm always early or bang on top. I don't think it's in me to be late if I can avoid it. This thing of always being late because you just can't be arsed to get ready kills me.

The least someone can do is text or phone or whatsapp to say they'll be late. It's easy as pie. "I'm running late." It would give the fool waiting the opportunity to cancel or at least do something with the time they waste waiting around. It's good manners.

Next time I just won't turn up. It will KILL me.

October 08, 2018

Private Life


Rachel (Kathryn Hahn) is an author who's been trying for years to have a baby with her husband Richard (Paul Giamatti). Nothing is working and emotions are running high after several failed attempts. When Richard's sort of niece Sadie (Kayli Carter) comes to live with them other ideas start running through their heads.

It's starting to happen. It's slow going but it's getting there. Netflix original movies are starting to be good. Some are excellent. It took a while, a lot of false starts and some outright fucking duds but we're at a place were watching a Netflix original doesn't fill you with dread anymore. In the last few months we've had Set It Up, Calibre, The Most Hated Woman In America, Cargo, First Match, Ali's Wedding and a few weeks ago - Hold The Dark. All good, solid, entertaining films that I'd have been happy to pay to have seen in the cinema. Netflix seems to be filling a niche with films that don't get to the cinema anymore. Romcoms, dramas aimed at adults, stuff that will genuinely make you think and films with minority casts. It's great to see. Long may it continue. Private Life is the latest such original available to stream. It's really good.

This is a film that will hit you in the heart. A story about characters who feel like real people dealing with problems that afflict people we all know everyday. A film about the absolution frustration caused by the arbitrary cruelty of nature and how that frustration ends with anger being directed at the ones you love. How life's constant ups and downs can pull people apart or push them together. Writer/director Tamara Jenkins rubs our faces in it all. No emotion is hidden from us. At times you'll hate the people onscreen for their selfishness or the caustic things they say to each other but it all comes from an understandable place. Then each time something fails for them or another avenue falls through your heart will break a little for them too. Two people just wanting to start a family and ripping themselves apart in the process.



It all sounds bleak as hell and yes a lot of the film walks along an edge of devastation is but there's enough shards of humour sticking through to keep you going. Most of them built around Giamatti's hangdog expression as yet another thing disappoints him. His reaction to a manky porn video in a fertility clinic, his incredulous horror as Rachel once again discloses a physical issue of his to people who don't need to know, the look on his face during a Mountain dew comparison. He's not quite in Sideways territory but it's the same kind of performance, where you feel terrible for him while wanting to kick him at the same thing for his lack of consideration towards others.

Hahn plays the same kind of part but exposes herself (literally in a scene with echoes of Julianne Moore in Short Cuts) a lot more than Giamatti. Her rage and sorrow is palpable and a moment of her lashing out on the street is properly upsetting. I only know her from her comedic work and she blew me away here. You mightn't like her at times but you still want to see good things happen for her. Kayli Carter as Sadie is kind of wonderful too. Mid 20's, stunted by arrested development, ultra impulsive, too honest and the centre of a dinner party moment which will have you watching from behind your fingers because it just feels too......aahhhh someone kill me now please.Her exuberance and youth strike other chords with Rachel and Richard too. Are they too old for kids? How did they get to this point in their lives? The kind of questions that might lead to an existential middle age crisis for both characters and audience.

An honest, lovely, sad film about real people with real problems. It might strike too close to home for some but it's so worth a watch. Plus it contains the best final shot of the year, one that can be construed in a number of ways depending on the kind of person you are. This is Tamara Jenkins first film in 11 years. I hope we don't have to wait that long for the next one.

Available to watch on Netflix now.



October 06, 2018

10 films worth watching on TV this week


Two Lovers   Sat   6/10   TG4 @ 23.20

Leonard is a Jewish man living in Brooklyn. Suicidally depressed and suffering badly, his life takes a sudden turn when he meets two very different women. Director James Gray's third collaboration with Joaquin Phoenix is a dark watch in places but it's ultimately a rewarding one as well as being an interesting insight into Jewish American culture. Gwyneth Paltrow and Vinessa Shaw as the women in his life are both excellent.
.
Screamers   Sat   6/10   The Horror Channel @ 22.50

A self replicating robot designed to hunt and kill enemy life on a remote mining planet decides to turn on it's creators. This might be based on a lesser work by famous sci-fi author Philip K.Dick but that doesn't stop it being an entertaining and clever watch. Suspenseful, gory, silly and darkly funny with a fine performance from Peter Weller topping it off. Oh and the final shot is one for the ages.

Postcards From The Edge   Sun   7/10   RTE2 @ 00.55

Meryl Streep is on top form as a film star trying to rebuild both her career and her relationship with her mother after a cocaine overdose nearly kills her. The late great Carrie Fisher wrote this funny and moving film from her own novel which was kinda sorta based on her own life. Super cast too including Shirley Maclaine, Gene Hackman & Richard Dreyfuss amongst others. 

The Man In The White Suit   Sun   7/10   BBC2 @ 14.25

Sidney has developed a fabric that's both stain resistant and doesn't fall apart. He's happy to share his invention with the world but clothing manufacturers who stand to lose out are not happy. Alec Guinness is a joy in the lead of this very amusing Ealing comedy production that will not only make you laugh but also make you think. A perfect lazy Sunday afternoon watch.

A Walk In The Woods   Sun   7/10   CH4 @ Midnight

Two men decide to hike the Appalachian trail. 2000 miles of wilderness. One is an aging writer and the other is a walking heart attack. Comedy ensues. Robert Redford's adaption of Bill Bryson's book of the same name is just a lovely film. If you like your comedy gentle but with a hint of a profanity then this is the film for you. Redford in the lead role is grand but Nick Nolte as his hiking partner Katz steals the show.

The Court Martial Of Billy Mitchell   Tues   9/10   Film4 @ 16.30

Based on a true story, this film is about the trial of an Army general during World War 1, who when disillusioned by his superiors lack of belief in aerial warfare decided to question the system. An absorbing film about standing up for what you believe in from Otto Preminger led by an quality showing from Gary Cooper in the title role. Rod Steiger as a lawyer facing off against him steals the show though with a blistering performance.

Somebody Up There Likes Me   Wed   10/10   TCM @ 07.05

A young man treated appallingly by both his father and various systems of law joins the army and eventually realises he can challenge his aggression into boxing. This very solid watch has all the classic sporting tropes but you can't call it cliched because it did it all before nearly everything else. Paul Newman as always is a fantastic lead and Pier Angeli and Sal Mineo are compelling in supporting roles.

Black Swan   Thur   11/10   CH4 @ 00.35

Darren Aronofsky's blackly funny and utterly terrifying tale of obsession and jealousy in the world of ballet. Natalie Portman plays a career best role as a Ballerina who's success is threatened when a younger Ballerina played by Mila Kunis appears on the scene. The perfect film to watch when you want to break your brain and feel squeamish, uncomfortable, nauseous and disorientated all at once. Magnificent stuff

Welcome To The Punch   Fri   12/10   Film4 @ 01.40

A career criminal returns to London after a long absence to deal with a family matter. This gives the policeman who's been chasing him for years one final chance to nail him. So far so cliched but two winning performances from Mark Strong and James McAvoy and a few ludicrously enjoyable and surreal action sequences make this a worthwhile watch. The supporting cast is a who's who of British talent as well.

Prizzi's Honour   Fri   12/10   RTE1 @ Midnight

Irene is a freelance assassin. Charley is a mob hitman. When Irene is hired by Charley's gangster associates their paths cross and things get rather complicated for them. John Huston's comedy thriller is a joy to watch. Funny, violent, suspenseful, romantic and led by two superb showings from Kathleen Turner and Jack Nicholson who for once plays a different kind of part.







October 05, 2018

Venom


It's always fun when a film like Venom is released. A film people have had the knives out for since it was announced. Yet another comic book film in an already oversatured market. A film about a Spiderman villain in which Spiderman won't be appearing. A character who's last appearance was 11 years ago in the putrid Spiderman 3. Then rumours started appearing a few weeks ago that the film was being retooled for a younger market in the hopes that someday in the future it could tie into the uber lucrative Marvel cinematic universe. All along we had been told the film was getting an R rating in the states meaning it was going to be a gritty and adult comic book movie like Deadpool or Logan and now it was getting a PG-13 release meaning it would be pruned of all it's gooeyness. Then this week it's lead actor Tom Hardy went on record saying a tonne of material had been cut from it, up to 40 minutes worth. It had to be a disaster right? Well no, it's far from the best comic book movie this year but there's plenty of good in there.

Eddie Brock is a freelance reporter in San Francisco looking into the deaths and disappearances amongst the city's indigent population. Carlton Drake is a mega rich scientist looking into ways of helping the human population survive into the future. During his research he acquires an extra terrestrial parasite and when Eddie investigates him he becomes infected with the parasite which causes some very strange things to happen to him mentally and physically.

I went into this with very low expectations. An hour or so into it I was sitting there laughing and enjoying the hell out of it, all the while wondering why all the hate? Then the final third of the film kicked in and then whole thing turned into a mess. Character motivations went out the window, things happened that made no sense, plot lines appeared from nowhere and it went full CGI. Oh, so this is why everyone is complaining. It had all became very jarring and shoddy. The extensive pruning and rejigging suddenly became very apparent. Yet I can't bring myself to hate it because that first hour was so much fun.



I've never been a Tom Hardy fan. Do not get the love at all but he's very entertaining here. His Eddie is a shambolically likable presence who becomes totally unhinged when the outer space parasite decides to say hello in it's oddly posh accent. Like all origin stories it's great fun seeing him realising the powers he has and director Ruben Fleischer shoots it like a comedy crossed with a dose of Cronenbergian body horror. Lobsters, disembodied sarcasm, motorbikes, metal loving neighbours, disposable bad guys and some manky chicken turn the film into a laugh riot and for a while it's easily as much fun as Fleischer's 2009 slice of brilliance Zombieland. Then the last third of the film kicks in and ruins the fun. It's a fuckin nuisance when that happens ain't it.

Once again the fantastic Michelle Williams is wasted. This is the second time this year she's taken a big backseat to a male lead (The Greatest Showman being the other). She tries but here her role seems to consist of looking concerned for Eddie and somehow being able to control high frequency medical and space travel equipment despite being a lawyer. Maybe a lot of her part was cut away, that would explain a bit of what she gets up to. Riz Ahmed as the Elon Musk-ish baddie is another dud bad guy but he's at least he's a bad guy for our age. Spluttering "fake news" when his shenanigans are called out and using his philanthropic image to cover up his dodginess. His villainous ways also play on our modern day fears of GM science and of Big Pharma, it's just a pity he's a bit of a weed.

I'd love to see the full version of this. I've a feeling it could have been cool. As it is it's a pretty entertaining bit of silliness with a hilarious leading role that's ruined by a terrible final third. Nerdier fans will get a kick from some of it, an astronaut with a familiar name, a Wilhelm scream, the expected cameos and post credit sequences but most people won't be able to get past that ending. It's a wasted opportunity, a film ruined by a studio's need to get a more family friendly certificate and more showings packed into the day. Going balls out did wonders for Wolverine and Deadpool. They should have more faith in their product. 

Shame.

October 04, 2018

A Star Is Born


One of the major moans people have about Hollywood movies these days the lack of originality. Everything's part of a franchise, everything seems to be a reboot or a remake. It's a complaint that has a lot of merit in fairness. It seems sometimes that the big studios are afraid to take a risk on something new. That they'll only spend the big bucks on films that will make them a guaranteed return. It makes sound financial sense but it means we, the audience often get it in the neck with stale, safe movies abounding. Every now and then it works though and we get to experience something fantastic. 2006's reboot of the Bond franchise with Casino Royale was amazing. Or this year's Black Panther, a film that blew all expectations out of the water. Then we have A Star Is Born. A film that's a remake of a remake of a remake, from a first time director and starring a pop star with very limited acting experience. Sounds like a disaster right?? Far from it.

Jackson Maine (Bradley Cooper) is an old pro, a southern gentleman, a full on rock star and all that that entails. One night after a concert he wants a drink and enters a random bar only to witness a singer called Ally channeling Édith Piaf. Instantly smitten he pursues both her and her talent. For a while life is a joy until he realises she's rapidly becoming a major draw in the music business just as his star is falling.



Wow. It's been a while since a film made me feel something. Actually feel something but this one did it. Joy, elation, absolute despair. This one has it all. Asides on male fears of being obsolete, forgotten, of aging are all here. First time director Bradley Cooper really nailed it. It's electrifying in parts. Musical performances that will give you goosebumps. Dawning realisations of where the story is headed that will make you grip your chair. The buzz of the new painted perfectly onscreen. It's a damn good debut and one that will be getting all the Oscar nods come march. I'd bet my shoes on it.

Lady Gaga is immense. Having never seen her act before I wasn't expecting much but she's a natural. Her Ally is warm, lovely, shy, totally without conceit and in constant need of reassurance. You want to see her succeed and her first big moment onstage would give a corpse a jumpstart. She'll get all the attention but Bradley Cooper is excellent too and like Gaga sings all his own songs. A commanding performance and a transformed one too. The charm he's known for is still there but there's a fragility beneath that grows as the film progresses. He looks and sounds different as well. The skin and voice of a man far too fond of gin and cigarettes. They hook you in instantly and watching their relationship grow is a joy as the chemistry between them just crackles. Frozen peas, nose chats, drag queens and loads of scrambled eggs seem to be the keys to their love.The first hour will have you beaming and then the strain begins to show and you'll feel your heart breaking along with theirs.



At 135 mins long it's a little bit of a slog. A bloated mid section involving a famous American comedy show and a surprise appearance of a well known comedian as a friend of Jackson's could have been pared down a bit but other than that it was a pretty much perfect watch. One lovely touch I wasn't expecting was Ally's relationship with her Da, played with very surprising warmth by Andrew Dice Clay. Anyone who's seen his previous work will be amazed by his small role here but when we see him and Ally together we see how she became the woman she is. Little moments like this always sell a film to me, sparks of humanity that make characters feel real. Jackson's relationship with his brother Bobby (played nicely by Sam Elliot's moustache) is the same. It lacks the warmth of the other but it feels real.

Bravo Bradley Cooper. No one expected smug arse Phil from The Hangover to make something this special. Him and Lady Gaga are both a revelation in this and he's not a bad director either. No flashiness, no rush to make his mark, just good old fashioned craftsmanship. And goddamn if he doesn't know how to pull off the most perfectly cringy scene of 2018 as well. The word "Grammy" will forever more give you a headache.

Highly recommended.

October 03, 2018

A perfect pairing of sound & vision. A classic song is born during Straight Outta Compton


A fantastic scene in the middle of a pretty good film about the world's most controversial rap group, N.W.A. The scene where we see the genesis of Nuthin But A 'G' Thang, a hip hop classic. 

I love stuff like this, seeing the moment a piece of art comes alive, the realisation that the disparate elements of a song will come together when it gets that one special ingredient. Here that ingredient is Snoop Doggy Dogg and his lyrical genius.

   

Yes, I know this is no doubt a very idealised version of real events but that doesn't stop it being a joy. Dr Dre's keyboard fiddling, that musical hook almost recognisable and the serendipitous appearance of Snoop who loves what's he's hearing just as Dre nails it. Then to top it all off it's done in one continuous take too. 

Perfick as Pop Larkin used to say.

Here's the full song btw.

 

Previous pairings

The Princess Bride
American Honey
Snake In The Eagle's Shadow
On Her Majesty's Secret Service
The Untouchables
Airplane!
Dazed And Confused  
Kickboxer                                  
Grosse Point Blank
Mean Streets
Watership Down
Casablanca
Zodiac
Jackie Brown
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
Deliverance
The Omen
Copland
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The Mission

Before Sunset
Carlito's Way
A Knight's Tale
Platoon
Before Sunrise
Rushmore
An American Werewolf In London
Dazed And Confused
Boogie Nights
Raging Bull
Almost Famous
Once Upon A Time In The West
Goodfellas


October 02, 2018

Hold The Dark


"Do you have a child?"

"Yes, shes teaching at a university down in Anchorage."

Down in Anchorage. Three words paint a scary picture. Look at a map of Alaska. Anchorage is at the bottom. Above it is an expanse of country that tests the limits of human endurance. It's a place people are not meant to live in. Especially people who aren't indigenous. It's the kind of place that would make you wonder why on earth anyone would choose to live there. What they have to hide? What are they running from? Hold The Dark is about these people and the outsider who discovers just how dark and cold things can get up there.

Keelut is a tiny village in Northern Alaska. A child has been taken and wolves are suspected. Russell Core, a lupine expert is contacted by Medora Sloane, the child's mother, and asked to come to Keelut and kill the wolf responsible. Medora wants to show her husband Vernon, who's fighting in Iraq, that revenge has been taken. Vernon arrives home suddenly having different plans however.

Oh Jesus this is a dark, brutal and bleak watch. It's very good but make no mistake, you won't be in a good mood when this is over. You'll be rattled, maybe a little traumatised, definitely a bit nauseous and despite the blanket you'll watch it from under, you'll feel frozen. Jeremy Saulnier has made a fine film that's strangely beautiful, very atmospheric and despite a final third that will frustrate some it's easily one of the best Netflix original films so far. It's a mystery that turns into a thriller that feels like a western but has horror overtones. A heady mix indeed that mostly works.



On the surface it's a mystery but before long you'll realise it's packed full of thematic goodness. Asides on the predatory nature of man and the effects that isolation have on a species that needs society to survive will give you something meaty to chew on during the slower moments between the horrifying bursts of violence that Saulnier does so well. One surprising scene that homages both Terminator and Terminator 2 will drop your jaw at the carnage on display. In any other film this would be the climax but here it's casually dropped into the middle of proceedings. It takes a confident writer/director to continue a story after that.

But proceed it does and it's here the film suffers a bit. At moments it nearly slows to a halt and it takes on a strange almost mystical tone that feels at odds with what has gone before. It's not out of the blue, especially considering some of the earlier dialogue but it's just duller than what came already. Luckily we've superb actors like Jeffrey Wright, Riley Keough, Alexander Skarsgård and the always great James Badge Dale to carry us through the lulls.Wright as Russell is a morose lead but Skarsgård as Vernon is flat out terrifying. All dead eyed and robotic. Scarier than any wolf. An early scene of him in Iraq lays out the stall of the film and contains a grim moment of violence that might prove too much for some. Keough (grand daughter of Elvis, fact fans) as Medora plays her as a haunted, troubling presence. Badge Dale as a police chief is a face I always enjoy seeing turn up. I'm baffled why he isn't a bigger star.

Hold The Dark is an intelligent and sombre watch that some will find off-putting due to its more visceral moments and it's glacial (boom boom) pace but it's really worth a watch especially if you want to see the direction Saulnier is taking after his previous films Blue Ruin and Green Room. I'm amazed he didn't call this Red Snow tbh. It's a pretty perfect name for it.

October 01, 2018

Night School

  • Sitting in a waiting room, clutching your jaw, trying not to think of the tooth that's rotting and will no doubt cost you €800 for a root canal
  • Visiting your nearest retirement home to read stories to and chat to old folks.
  • Pulling the wrong brake on your bike and losing a pound of skin when you scrape yourself across a gritty road at 20 mph.
  • Walking around your local park with a plastic bag picking up after inconsiderate bastard dog owners.
  • Taping your eyelids open and taking 3 sleeping tablets.
  • Listening to an Ed Sheeran album on repeat.
  • Volunteering to clean the grease trap at your nearest hotel, knowing that the cloying, nauseating smell will probably make you vomit.
  • Walking barefoot into the men's toilets at any bus/train station.
  • Going to the Democratic Republic of Congo with no sunblock or vaccinations.
  • Drinking 14 pints of Guinness and then eating a Lamb Phaal from an Indian restaurant previously closed down by the Health & Safety authority, the night before a 500 mile road trip with no scheduled toilet stops.
10 things you could do with yourself instead of going to see Kevin Harte's new film Night School. Some of them are awful, a few of them are nice, all of them are better than going to see this piece of shit.

Teddy Walker (Kevin Hart) is a manipulative asshole who's living beyond his means in an effort to impress his fiance. His stupidity loses him his job and he can't get another because he didn't graduate from high school. To remedy this he begins to take night classes and realises his smooth talking ways cut no weight with Carrie (Tiffany Haddish), the woman in charge and to make it through he'll actually have to knuckle down and take things seriously. But he's an asshole.

I hated this film. It's billed as a comedy but it's appallingly unfunny and filled with deeply unlikable people. The lead character is one you'll want to see impaled on something sharp as fast as is humanly possible but when you realise this isn't going to happen you'll either (a) be smart and walk out or (b) be a fool like me and sit through it fighting the urge to claw your face off. All the best comedies make your care about the people onscreen. This one makes you wish they were all on fire. Director Malcolm D.Lee made this as a follow up to the very funny Girl's Trip and you get the sense something very heavy was dropped on his head in the interim*

*I apologise if this was the case.



None of it works. Gifted comedy actors like Mary Lynn Rajskub, Romany Malco & Rob Riggle as fellow classmates are so wasted and so hastily sketched that you won't care about any of them. Conversations frequently descend into terrible improv and then further into hissing and snarling and the camera just keeps rolling and rolling. Dreadful slapstick is mixed with moments that strive for emotional depth before failing massively. A prison brawl is even thrown into the mix for some bizarre reason. And for a 12 certificate film there's a surprising amount of talk about anal sex. For no reason other than to shock. But you'll just cringe instead and bargain with whatever higher being you believe in to just please make it all stop.

Kevin Hart is a terrible comedian. His continued success baffles me. He uses the same tired schtick in every film. A small angry man who's far louder than his wee stature should allow. I don't know who goes to see his films but somehow they keep making money. He's like an African American Adam Sandler, churning out the same broad, horrible films year after year to an army of fans who must hate themselves. Soon enough he'll have the same dead behind the eyes look as Sandler. Tiffany Haddish as Carrie tries her hardest but no one could make this material work not even a comic maestro like her. Material I must add that was written by 6 writers. 6. SIX. Six people brainstormed in a room and this is the best they could come up with. Pathetic comedy and paper thin characters and then a late attempt to add a touch of depth which becomes yet another punchline in an attempt to wring every last bit of humour out of proceedings. At this stage you'll despise yourself for staying.

This sucked. I'm so glad someone else paid for my ticket. If I'd paid I'd still be kicking a wall somewhere out in Castletroy. This year we got Games Night and Blockers, 2 films that reinvigorated the adult comedy genre so it's a dreadful shame that nothing has been learned from them and this kind of lazy excuse for a film gets churned out.

DO NOT GO TO SEE THIS.




31 Days Of Horror

October started yesterday and the usual twitter challenge is to make up a list of 31 horror films and watch one a day and finish (usually with a classic) on Halloween night. I usually try to watch a movie every night so this is no great hardship. I love this challenge though as it gives me an excuse to revisit some old faves and catch up on newer films I've heard about and older films I've missed.

This year's list is a real mixed bag. Some new, some old, a couple of video nasties, some spooky, some splattery, some genre classics, some English, American, a couple of Italian ones, Belgian, Swedish and a Irish monster flick to top it all off. One great thing about the hashtag on Twitter is seeing other people's lists. It's a deadly way to get inspired and to hear of underground or foreign stuff that has passed you by.

Here's my list for this year. I plan to get through as many of them as possible providing life doesn't throw me any awkwardness.


The Slayer




Why not start the month off with a (kind of) video nasty. People on an island get picked off by the eponymous beastie but to the classy sounds of the London Philharmonic orchestra. Look at those teeth!


The Witch Who Came in From The Sea


Yet another (kind of) video nasty. Haven't seen this. No idea what its about but it was confiscated from video shop shelves at one stage so that's a nice reason to watch it.


The Hills Have Eyes


The ferociously effective remake from Alexandre Aja and not the dull and silly original from Wes Craven. Sorry Wes. This blew me away in the cinema years ago and I'm looking forward to a revisit.


Evil Ed


Swedish splatter par excellence as a film editor is driven deranged by the very horror films he's working on.. Made as a rallying call against Swedish film censorship so you can imagine what's within. It's good fun though.


Daughters Of Darkness




A Belgian set vampire story that's atmospheric enough for 10 normal films, about a newly married couple who have a strange experience in a seaside hotel . Dreamy, weird, spooky and twisted. It ticks all the boxes a vampire film should.


Scream Blacula Scream


A vampire is roaming 1970's Harlem bit this is a different kind of vampire. A voodoo vampire. Superfly meets Dracula. Awful but in a brilliant way. Plus Pam Grier is in it and she's always a reason to watch a film.


Twisted Nerve


Oh this one would never be made these days. A man pretends to be mentally disabled to get close to a woman he's obsessed with. Anyone who gets in his way dies. This is on the list because it terrified my Da in the cinema in the 70's and I want to see how it holds up. Not well I'm guessing.

Ghost Stories


The only film on the list from this year. Liked this when I saw it at the cinema and it's so packed with details that a second viewing should hold up very well indeed.


Erotic Nights Of The Living Dead




People go to an island for a fashion shoot and ride each other and get killed by the living dead. 
Yup, it's a blue movie with zombies. Hilarity will no doubt ensue. Just look at George Eastman on the right. The absolute shape of him.

It's Alive


A baba is born that lives to kill. From horror maestro Larry Cohen, this could have been awful but it's surprisingly good. 70's horrors could be unusually intelligent and packed with subtext and asides towards the political climate of the day and this is a fine example of that. 


Dark Night Of The Scarecrow


A simple man killed by bullies returns from the dead for revenge. While dressed as a scarecrow. Despite its TV movie origins this is a genuinely effective chiller that conjures up all those Wurzel Gummidge nightmares we all had at one point.

Dead Of Night


I do love an anthology horror and this is one of the classiest of the lot. Weekend guests at a cottage regale each other with spooky stories. The ventriloquist story will stick with you.

Rawhead Rex




A bit of Irish horror. Wicklow shtyle. Actually better than it looks or sounds. No wait, seriously.......come back.


Serial Mom


John Water's satire of America's obsession with serial killers is a hilarious watch that makes full use of Kathleen Turner's comic talents. "Pussy willow daaahhhling."


Friday The 13th part 6


The most entertaining film of the bunch. Jason vs paintballers and a beginning inspired by none other than Mary Shelley. A highbrow mountain in a mostly cheap franchise.


My Sweet Satan


I've no idea. Satan though. Spooky. Wooooooo.

The House Of Whipcord




Another first time watch from the mind of British exploitation film king Pete Walker. Not a clue what to expect here.

Psychomania

Bikers from beyond the grave return to trash 1970's Britain. Great craic, cheesy, silly, weird and oddly eerie. A definite one of a kind.


Prey

An alien lands in the British countryside and kills chickens, foxes and policemen. And makes friends with a female couple. An absolute oddity of a film. Emmerdale meets Under The Skin.

Grim Prairie Tales

A strange mish mash of a film. A horror western that's also an anthology film. It works though. Brad Dourif & James Earl Jones are fine leads and it's packed with atmosphere and ideas.

Requiem For A Vampire



2 women on the run find themselves in a castle haunted by a Nosferatu. But seeing as this is a 70's french film, he's a funky, kinda kinky Nosferatu. Jean Rollin films are always.....eh...interesting.

Dementia 13

The film that put Francis Ford Coppola on the map. A lurid little black and white slasher movie that was filmed in Howth of all places. It's cheap, tacky and terrible looking but somehow it works and maintains a nice ambience.

The Unnameable

I last saw this when I was about 15 so don't have high hopes. Dopey students stay in a haunted house and guess what happens next. But it is based on a HP Lovecraft story and the monster is pretty cool so that gives it another chance.

Ganja & Hess


Horror meets blaxploitation but with a serious slant this time. An African Vampire film. You don't get many of those. Hits all the beats you'd expect and still manages to be upsetting in places, intelligent in others and genuinely unsettling all round.


Dracula Has Risen from the Grave


Another vampire film. Jesus. I love this one though. A hammy slice of Hammer horror. Christopher Lee's 3rd time as Dracula vs German bishops and a hero who looks uncannily like the lead singer of the Who. Who's also a baker. A hero baker. You don't get many of those. Great fun.

Cut & Run




Investigative journalism leads a group of yanks from a drug den massacre in New York to the depths of the Amazon jungle. Blood letting ensues. Ruggero Deodato's 1985 action horror is always a fun watch. Plus Michael Berryman and Richard Lynch. 2 legendary visages.


Abbot & Costello Meet The Mummy


Exactly what it says on the tin. Plus giant lizards and spiders. A big ol' cup of nostalgia that would make the saturday mornings of your youth comes rushing back at you.


The Monster Squad


And speaking of nostalgia. A blast of 80's goodness as American kids take on famous cinematic monsters. So much fun.


Psycho


Even if you've seen Hitchcock's horror classic a dozen times it never stops being unsettling. Norman is a peculiar boy and poor Marion Crane has the misfortune to cross his path. A film that changed cinema.


The Texas Chainsaw Massacre


A granddaddy of 70's horror. A film so effective it managed to be banned for years despite barely spilling a drop of blood. 44 years later it's still a ferocious watch.


Suspiria




With the remake around the corner it's time to revisit this absolute masterpiece from Dario Argento. An assault on the senses both visually and aurally. Amazing, truly amazing. This one is my Halloween night watch.

What scary movies are you going to watch this Halloween?