It's 20 something degrees. Humidity is at 99%. It's 23.30. This is not natural. If I had hair I'd have an afro by now. Us paddies aren't designed for this shit. We're a bog people. We've thick blood, made for the cold. This weather is bad for us. No, it's deadly. We get cranky and moany. We pile into the freezer aisle in Tesco and get pissy because everyone else has the same idea. We devour ice cream in record amounts to keep us cold meaning we get bigger meaning the heat feels even worse. We eat stews and mashed potatoes on the warmest days and complain we can't cool down. We don't do hot weather like other countries. Sure we get the odd lovely day when the skies are blue but most of the time our hot weather is accompanied but grey skies and rain meaning everything stays warm and damp and unpleasant as fuck. A typical Irish summer day feels like breathing through a damp towel taken off a radiator. It's rotten. We get the bus and it stinks of B.O. at 9am. Even worse, that smell of B.O. that someone has tried to disguise with a blast of Lynx Africa, a warped stench that lingers in the nostrils far longer than the bus journey itself.
When I win the lotto I'm moving to the north of Norway. Then in the summer I'll retire to my holiday home in Tierra Del Fuego.
Btw, Moloney, if you're reading this, stop rolling your eyes :D
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