Death Kiss

Night time. A large man is standing watch outside a shack. Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson) steps out of the shadows. The large man tells him there's a girl for sale inside. A very young girl. Kersey knocks him out and ties him up. He bursts in the door and castrates the man inside with a large calibre bullet and rescues the girl. Then he walks outside and shoots the tied up man in the head. 44 years after the original Death Wish film Kersey is still kicking ass and taking names. He somehow hasn't aged a day in 4 and a half ....decades...... hmmmm. What a minute. That isn't Paul Kersey. Wait another minute. That isn't even Charles Bronson. What the hell is going on?

A mustachioed man who I'll call Mr Mustache is out for justice. He spends his days and nights gunning down drug dealers, paedophiles, pimps and johns and basically any scumbag he can get. The money he takes from their bodies goes to Ana, a young mother with a paralysed daughter for reasons unknown. Mr Mustache's main target is Tyrell. Tyrell's a right bastard and Mr Mustache will stop at nothing to make sure he gets his just desserts.

This scene is beyond warped

This is as bad as films get. It's so bad that you find yourself unable to look away in case you miss something. It's so bad that you can't even laugh at it and in one scene it takes such an offensive turn that you can't quite believe what you're seeing. It's so BAD that when it's over you sit there for a while wondering where it all went wrong, staring at a wall looking for a modicum of meaning, a reason to go on with your day. It's just terrible and I sat through it all and I'm trying really hard not to think too much into that. Whole chunks of plot seem to be missing too. In an effort to keep this mess under 90 minutes writer/director Rene Perez has wielded his editing shears liberally and cared not a jot for the results. I can't wait to find out what his next film is so I can run far far away from it.

Mr Mustache is played by Robert Bronzi, an actor who's resemblance to 70's era Bronson is uncanny. The unkempt hair, the ridiculous tache, the robotic delivery of dialogue. His look is the only reason this film exists. Vigilante films have never been thin on the ground and this one adds nothing new to the mix apart from resurrecting a look Bronson made iconic for a time in the 70's and 80's. This makes those films look like masterpieces of logic and storytelling. Nothing makes sense here. It's a collection of murders tied together in the loosest possible way. Things happen for no reason. The plot is littered with dead end plot lines. Mr Mustache appears out on nowhere always at the right time and then vanishes. Cops don't exist in the world of Mr Mustache. It's a world filled with bad guys who explode in a cloud of blood and meat when they get shot. Don't let that last sentence tempt you. It's not as much fun as it sounds especially when the movie builds up to a climax that promises to be very messy and then leaves it all to your imagination.

Daniel Baldwin plays Dan Forthright, a right wing shock jock who's radio show punctuates our "hero's" rampage. I'm not quite sure if the writers of this film want us to agree with his bile or denounce it or like Dan himself it's all for shock value. It's garbled stuff that starts out meaning well but gets progressively more bizarre as the film continues. It's mixed message will confuse any right minded individual but fair play to Baldwin, he does give it his all and his scenes are probably the best part of the movie. Ugh, i feel kind of bad about myself again now. Richard Tyson plays Tyrell with a look of utter desperation written across his face. He's an actor you'd recognise as the bad guy from Kindergarten Cop and from a lot of Farrelly Brothers films in the late 90's and early 00's but here he's reached the nadir of his career. You know those actors who just seem to vanish one day. Well here's where they end up. In z-list atrocities like this. It's sad to see.

This is probably the worst film I'll watch this year and seeing as it's only the first week in January that's saying something. It's diabolical stuff, offensive, nonsensical toss that doesn't even have the common courtesy to be laughable. Avoid like the plague. Trust me.