It's going to be 30 degrees celsius today. Some people's idea of heaven. Other people's idea of hell. Everyone saying you should be outside soaking up the rays. But what do you do when your bog Irish skin starts burning within 5 minutes? Well simple, you go to the flicks. Here's some reasons why.
It's boiling out. You need to cool down fast. What's the best way to do that you say? Why a blue cinema slushie. The best drink ever. Just get the blue. Trust me. It's lethal. I've no idea what's in there but blue works. It's a perfect blend of e-numbers that combined with ice makes the best cold drink ever. Just don't think too much about what you are drinking. Plus blue. Reminds you of being cold. See. Smart.
The air con. Ahhhh blessed air conditioning. Us Irish aren't built for these temperatures and air con is only awesome. No greater feeling than hiding from those death rays in a dark cold room. Just like God intended. Yes nipples may be an issue but the room is dark so you'll be grand. With summers getting hotter Irish businesses are going to have to lash out for air con eventually. Far too few places have it. But the cinema does. Ahh lovely air con.
If you pick the right film you'll be able to avoid that ubiquitous feature of summer time. Fussy, overheated, red faced screaming kids. How can something so small be so loud. I just don't get it. Just make sure you pick a film that doesn't appeal to families and you are sorted. Peace and quiet. Bliss.
Another reason is being able to buy Ice cream that doesn't return to milk form 34 seconds after you buy it. You know the feeling. It's melting out. You buy a 99 (green syrup, natch) to beat the heat. You get a mound of soft delicious vanilla ice cream, it looks spectacular, you can't wait to horse into it, you walk out into the sun to chow down and before you know it, it's liquefying and pouring down your hand while you weep with frustration. This doesn't happen in the cinema. Air con you see. Sure it will cost you the price of a family dinner but you can enjoy it at your own leisure. Plus, and this is a big one, no seagulls targeting you from above. The bastards.
No topless muppets walking around. Another unwanted feature of Irish summer time. This one is always a plus. Chaps so pale they are see through showing off the guns and some godawful tattoos. Or worse, the gym bunnies rocking a tan so dark they look like a stained fence post. Air con and topless fools do not mix. Topless fools and leather seats really don't mix. If you want to avoid these clowns just head to the cinema.
Actually one of the best things about going to the cinema on a sunny day is the fact that there will be fuck all people there, you may even get a screening all to yourself. Your own private screening. No people talking, no one beside you eating popcorn with their mouth open, no glowing phone screens in your field of vision. A joy. Don't watch Hereditary by yourself though. It would be a poor end to the day if you soiled yourself.
Last but not least, you'll be in the cinema, watching a good movie hopefully. You'll be able to whisk yourself away for a couple of hours and you won't be outside burning to a crisp. The cinema will never give you second degree burns. That's always good.
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