Thursday, 22 June 2017

Children's film's are harmless. Yes.....ok.

If i don't see it it didn't happen
Children's films are fluff. Harmless escapism. The type of thing you can throw on for the baba's to watch and you can get stuff done. No harm at all. 

But that's what silly people think. 

You might be ok if you throw on a modern day film, a cgi cartoon or a superhero film but take a chance and throw on a family film from the 70's or 80's and you risk breaking your lovely little precious's mind. It's good though. Well once the bad dreams stop.

I've listed some popular ones that have melted the heads of people i know. And bare (bear? I'm never sure) in mind these are films which with the exception of 2 are all at least 27 years old. How messed up does a scene in a children's film have to be to remain in a person's psyche for that long?!

The Never Ending Story. Atreyu and his horse Artax enter the swamp of sadness. The first slice of cinematic trauma for many a 30+ year old person right here as we watched the lovely white horse get sucked into the mud and it's owners heart break.

E.T.  Steven Spielberg lets us fall in love with E.T. the excellent, friendly cool beer loving alien and then slays us with the stark sight of his lifeless body in a creek. I know he comes back but goddamn the first time you see it it's like getting punched in the stomach. Still remember it vividly.

Turner And Hooch. What bastard thought children would appreciate that ending? Yes yes i know pets die but come on. Shooting poor Hooch. No. For shame film makers. For shame.

Raiders Of The Lost Ark. 
The Ark opening scene. I was 7. This scene broke me. The angelic face changing into a demonic visage. Nazi faces melting. Heads exploding. Dozens of soldiers impaled on beams of light. In a PG film. Like a snuff movie compared to the kids films of today.

Temple Of Doom. ( my brothers choice )The sacrifice scene. A mainstay of Christmas day TV for years. Kids full of dinner sitting down to watch a screaming boy get his heart torn out and then get slowly dropped into lava. Turkey and roastie scented tears ensued. That's the 3rd Spielberg film I've mentioned actually. Does he hate kids?

Home Alone. The bit with the tarantula being dropped on the blokes face. This killed me when i was 11 and still does TBH. Nightmare fuel seeing that hellbeast being lowered onto a screaming mans face. No. Kevin McAllister should have got his comeuppance.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Surely there's nothing horrible in this?? Wrong. Remember the scene where the little shoe gets executed by Judge Doom by being lowered into a steaming, bubbling vat of dip. Truly horrific. Actually chilling.

Gremlins. The kitchen massacre . Looking at it now through adult eyes it's brilliantly nasty stuff but 8 year old me was scarred by the screeching gremlin getting cooked in the microwave. YES I know it's not a film for kids but every child in the 80's saw it. And as for Phoebe Cates's Santa Claus anecdote.....

Watership Down. The most complained about U certificate film ever. The entire film is terrifying. Woundwort!! The cat!! Frith!! Fiver's vision!! The snare trap!!! The black rabbit of Inle!! Bright Eyes!!  A film that introduced kids to bloody death and the unfairness of life at way too young of an age. That said it is a magnificent movie that everyone should see.

The Plague Dogs.  2 dogs escape a centre for animal experimentation in the search for a better life. Things don't get better. This is the opening scene. Seriously. Oh and there's a part where a farmer accidentally blows his face off with a shotgun. Ya.

Return To Oz. Have ye seen this one recently. It is fucking mental. The original film was dark for it's time but it's like Peppa Pig compared to it's sequel. A kid's film made by disturbed people who I choose to believe wrote it on a diet of mescaline and LSD. A bleak, dark film and I haven't even mentioned Jack Pumpkinhead yet. Or the heads :(

2 modern children's films make the list too.

The Bridge To Terabithia A charming tale of a young boy and girl becoming friends and creating a fantasy empire where they can escape from everyday life. Great stuff until real life comes crashing down on them and hits you a jarring startling slap across the face. Watch it, it's excellent but jesus...

Toy Story 3. The vast majority of the film is laugh filled awesomeness but a scene near the end where all the toys are facing a fiery death is just stunning in it's scariness. When I saw it I genuinely thought "THIS IS IT, THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME, THE CLEANING CREW ARE GOING TO FIND MY BODY". And then when you think everything is fine the final scene comes along and kicks you in the adam's apple and you eyes fill up. Brilliant but brutal.


Ok, bare with me. This is a stupid one but it traumatised the face off me as a young lad and I still hate it now. 

Superman 2.

The vast majority of the film is fun, entertaining fluff. But this bit hits hard.

Superman aka Clark Kent falls in love with Lois Lane. Her likewise. But they can't be together as he is a superbeing ( the film doesn't explain this but I assume he'd shag her to death or something). Anyway. He gives up his superpowers for her. They go for a meal in a Metropolis diner. They encounter a pure rude bastard. Lois is insulted. Clark decides to defend her honour and gets the head beaten off him. Oh I hate it. So much. It's so hard to watch. It's so cringy and horrible. Clark sees his own blood for the first time in his life and experiences a big dose of pain, shame and regret. He gets payback later in the film but this scene has always stayed with me. And I have no idea why.

I'm not crying, you're crying. 

I feel sad now. That last bit has upset me. I'm away to the shop for a maxi twist and a bag of skips.

What seemingly harmless kids films traumatised you as a nipper?

1 comment:

Paul said...

The bit in Willow where the woman get killed by dogs. Not exactly child friendly. And the Rankor from Return Of The Jedi.