The hilarity of TV versions of films

"You're one bad motherCRUSHER!"

"Where'd you get that scar tough guy? Eating pineapple?"

"HEY FLIP YOU MELONFARMER!"

“Forget me? Forget you, you mother-forgetter!” 

“My name is BUCK, and I like to PARTY!” 

“This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my mouth.” 

“Yippe-kai-yay, Mr Falcon!” 

"Well I don't wanna break up the meeting or nothin', but she's somethin' of a cow, ain't she Doc?

Just some of the beauties heard on TV over the years. American TV is notorious for butchering movies so as not to offend the conservative right. Language is hilariously replaced, sex scenes are removed entirely but oddly violence tends to be left alone. They 're a strange bunch over there.Simultaneously repressed yet pulsating with a bloodlust that's second to none. Irish & English TV is great, the vast majority of films are shown in their unabridged versions but the last one on the list below was once screened on ITV at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon in a version that must have been missing at least 30 mins of running time.

The Big Lebowski



"This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass" becomes "THis is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps." It becomes so entertainingly nonsensical that I can only assume the Coen Bros had a hand in the editing.

Casino


A Tour De Force of editing turns a brilliant Joe Pesci rant into something out of a cartoon. Also note the not so subtle anti-semitism in the changing of "jew motherfucker" to "jew money lover." Hmmm.

Die Hard 2



Ridiculous. Freaking ridiculous. The voiceover dubbing out McClane's profanities doesn't even attempt to sound like him.

Goodfellas



At least Pesci provides his own overdubs here. Still awful though. "Go feed your mother."

Snakes On A Plane



"Monkey fighting snakes" "Monday to friday plane". Gotta pay them their dues, no one could have expected those replacements. 

Robocop



Painful. Crumbaggingly painful. The edited version was the one shown on British TV. The first version a lot of us saw. Needless to say the uncut version blew our little minds when it finally turned on RTE.

Assassination Nation

Every now and then a film is released that manages to encapsulate the spirit of the times. Night Of The Living Dead, Menace II Society, Coming Home, Shaft, The Graduate, Kids, Repo Man, The Hate U Give and many others. Films that either faced the problems of the time head on or took an allegorical view of things. Assassination Nation faces things head on. With a shotgun in one hand and a samurai sword in the other.

Lily, Bex, Sara and Em are 4 BFF's living life in the American as apple pie town of Salem. Lily's boyfriend is a manipulative dick and she's seeing an older man in secret. Bex is a transgender girl with a doomed crush on a football player. Teenage drama abounds until one day a hacker starts leaking the contents of people's phones online. Their most personal secrets are spilled for everyone to gloat over. It's not long before tempers start to flare and in typical yankee doodle dandy fashion, things get violent.

I liked this. It's about as subtle as someone driving a lorry up your arse but it's an adrenalised watch that will keep you on edge to it's final horrifying line. You know those comedies that throw so many jokes at the screen that some of them have to stick, this does the same but takes aim at societal issues instead. Toxic masculinity, homophobia, sexism, cultural violence, the patriarchy, mob law, witch-hunts (it's not set in Salem for nothing), bigotry......I could go on but I'd be testing the limits of this paragraph. Nothing is taboo and the film makes no qualms about it's real target. The town of Salem with all it's problems is microcosm of Modern day America. Donald Trump's America. No country for young women. Young women who dare to use instagram and snapchat. The witches of the 21st century.

It's a necessary watch but it's a tough one too. One scene brings to mind the infamous R.Budd Dwyer press conference of the 1980's and a moment of horror in a household bathroom is probably the bloodiest moment you'll see in a mainstream film this year. Yup, it's a mainstream film from a mainstream studio but I'm amazed at some of the direction it took and just how far it pushes itself. It's depiction of sexuality is frank both in how it's depicted and how it's talked about. American films tend to be chaste in terms of sex and gratuitous in their portrayal of violence but director Sam Levinson (son of Barry) goes for broke with both here giving the film a rather European feel. The Euro feeling extends to it's criticism of America too. One moment of a man preparing to lynch someone while framed by two American flags is a brilliantly blunt middle finger to the screen.

It can't all be perfect though. The latter part of the film has an oddly pro-gun stance that seems to stand in contrast with every other criticism and while it feels cathartic and fun you can't help but wonder if there could be a better and less hypocritical way to round things up. That's the problem with a scattergun approach though. Aim at everything and somethings will clash. The other issue is one of characterisation. Lily and Bex are the only 2 characters in the film that get any real screentime, who actually feel like real people instead of cypher's. Em's only characteristic is that she's African American and poor Sara doesn't get anything to do at all. Odessa Young as Lily and Hari Nef as Bex do good work though. Expect to see a lot more of them soon.

"I hate the fuckin' internet." Spoken in desperation by an authority figure when all hell breaks loose. Yes, it's the root cause of a lot of modern day ills but society was broken long before WWW became a thing and phones became an extension of our hands. The movie shows us that we can't blame everything on the net, we have to shoulder some of it ourselves. It will make you think about your own actions both online and off. The image you project of yourself. How our opinions and actions are coloured by it all. How the hive mind is not a good thing. Any film that can make you think about yourself like that has done a good job in my opinion. All this and it fits in the one-take shot of the year too. 

Well worth a watch.

30 years of gaming

I've been playing Red Dead Redemption 2 for the bones of a month now. It still blows me away every day. It's unbelievable. Easily the best computer game I've ever played. And I've played a far bit. I'm 39 now so I've got around 30 years of gaming under my belt looks with so many others of my vintage it all started with a humble Spectrum 48K.

My uncle Brendan turned up from London with one in a suitcase. He took great pride in telling us it was hot and to be careful not to burn my fingers. Being 9 or so I assumed it was actually hot and it wasn't til years later before I realised what he meant. The system was set up. The tape player for the game cassettes was attached. The game was Steve Davis Snooker. I was trembling with excitement. The TV went on. The B&W TV. For a snooker game. Yup. We had not thought it through. Every shot was tension packed when you don't know if you're aiming at a red or a brown. But I was hooked. Next up was Attic Attack and Monty On The Run. This was amazing. I was sold. 

The 8 bit & 16 bit gaming era arrived for us at the same time. Our cousins had an Aunt who worked for Sega and they had gotten a Sega Master System, a Game Gear and a Megadrive along with a tonne of games. I was insanely jealous. E-Swat, Altered Beast, Duck Hunt, Michael Jackson's Moonwalker and of course Sonic The Hedgehog. Hours nay days were lost as we navigated the Scrap Yard Zones of Sonic and used Wacko Jacko's moves to decimate wave after wave of bad guys. I spent an awful load of that year plopped down on my cousin's carpet. Then my friend Moloney got a Super Nintendo and I got even more addicted. Super Mario World, Street Fighter 2 and Super Mario Kart. I was absolutely useless at Mario Kart but that didn't stop me loving it. 4 of us, Me, Moloney, Shacky and Snoop playing at once and me always, ALWAYS coming last. I'm still useless at racing games 26 years later. I got a gameboy for Christmas that year too. It was unreal. Now I could play games in the jacks....er.....that sounds dodgy. Tetris was brilliant. So simple but so addictive. That music, the joy of wiping out 4 lines at once. The fact that you could jump in and out for a minute or two instead of settling down for hours. Zelda on the gameboy was a revelation. I'm still amazed how much game was able to fit onto that little cartridge. It became my new favourite game until I let my brother Diarmaid bring it to the Gaeltacht and some jackeen scumbag stole it from him. Bastard.

Up next was our Atari ST. Our parents knew we were mad about games so bought us a proper computer instead of a console in the hopes that we'd use it for schoolwork too. Ha, like that was ever going to happen. The Atari used floppy disks so every game we got from that shop in Dolphin's barn were we got the ST was of course hooky. We left the store with at least 20 games. We were on a high. Stuff like James Pond : Robocod, The Addams Family, Navy Seals, Titus The Fox, Fire & Ice and then true classics like Sensible Soccer, Lemmings, Cannon Fodder and The Chaos Engine and one game, Wizkid, which is still possibly the weirdest thing I've still ever played. Those games and a zipstick joystick. It was nirvana. Those graphics. We thought they'd never be topped.

The 32 bit era of the first Playstation passed me by. I was 16 and never in the house. Starting to dabble with cider and perfecting my french inhale technique with Marlboro lights and more interested in music than anything else. I thought my computer games days were over. Then my brother got a Nintendo 64 and the affair started again. Super Mario 64, still the best platform game ever. Goldeneye, the game that made us all fall in love with first person shooters. Zelda: The Ocarina Of Time. A game so good that 20 years later it's still in my top 5. I think I lost the entire summer of 1997 to that one. My need to find every golden skulltula in it nearly killed me.

College came around and so did big powerful pc's. Big powerful pc's in 1998 meant only one thing. Half-Life. The story of Gordon Freeman and his adventures in Black Mesa. Still one of the most amazing games ever and still influencing games to this day. After Half Life came Project IGI, Soldier Of Fortune and so many others. PC gaming was a pricy adventure though. One a student like me could not afford. I needed another option.

Then the PS2 appeared. It looked spectacular and importantly it was affordable. I was earning my first proper wages and one was purchased along with a James Bond game and This Is Football 2002. I hate football but love videogame football. Yup, im an odd one. This was my golden era of gaming. Falling in love with Grand Theft Auto 3. Sneaking around as the Hitman. Metal Gear Solid 2. Final Fantasy. God Of War. Ratchet and Clank. Resident Evil 4. Timesplitters 2. Tony Hawk. The Prince Of Persia. So many others. Sharing a house with one of my best friend's ever, Mikey. Weekends were a blur of weed and Tiger Woods Golf. The PS2's competitor was the X-Box. We scoffed at the X-Box. Wanted nattin to do with it. Until that day in Smyths I tried Gears Of War. Shit. Now i wanted an X-Box. A few months later my PS2 passed away peacefully at the ripe old age of 6 and one was duly purchased. The games were the same quality but now I had a wireless controller. No more need to sit right in front of the TV burning my eyes out. Brilliant. No more sitting on the ground. Then rumours started abounding that the X-Box was prone to overheating. Ha, I thought, this won't happen to me. 

Of course it did.

I was sickened. 2 dead consoles in the space of a year. I vowed this was it. I'm too old for computer games. I'm thirty now. Time to grow out of it. Time to grow up.

So I went out and bought a Playstation 3.

The PS3 was an immense console. Well it was more of a home entertainment system. You could play games, watch blu-rays and go online. It was an investment. Yes an investment. An investment that could play Uncharted, Grand Theft Auto 4, Modern Warfare, Motorstorm, Guitar Hero, Just Cause 2 and so on. By this stage I knew I was a lost cause. Gaming had me in it's grip. I even tried online gaming for the first time. That lasted 30 minutes. I don't do well with American teens calling me an Irish pussy nonstop. It tends to grate. So online gaming was kicked rapidly to the kerb. The PS3 and me were happy together for another 5 years. Then life started getting in the way as it tends to do. I wanted to travel more. I found a love for exercise for the first ever. Friends were moving on and family members were getting sick and things like that would make you realise how silly gaming was. So for a while I did the bare minimum until the day I just didn't bother anymore.

I missed it though. It was like an old buddy. I'd so many memories of fun times with friends tangled up in it all. It would be a shame to never go back. After a couple of years I got the itch and decided to dip a toe back in with the Playstation 4. No better place to start again. Grand Theft Auto 5 was purchased and that was it. My god, it was like stepping into a movie. I'd never played anything like it. And just like that, I was once again hooked. The Last Of Us. Batman. Tomb Raider. Assassin's Creed. Far Cry:Primal and others. But now I take my time and enjoy the games instead of racing through them to get to the next. These days I'm amazed if I play more than 3 games a year. We've reached the stage where you actually care about the characters in games now and you can stop and just appreciate the beauty of a good game instead of blasting by it all. A game like Red Dead Redemption 2 fits the bill perfectly here. 

There you have it. 30 years of gaming. Here's to 30 more.

10 films worth watching on TV this week.

Mad Max : Fury Road   Sat   24/11   RTE2 @ 21.00

In a post apocalyptic Australia a drifter joins up with a gang of women on the run from an evil master. Tom Hardy & Charlize Theron lead the cast as Max Rockatansky and Imperator Furiosa in one of the best action films of the 21st century. Seriously. Hardy does his usual grumbly thing while Theron steals the film from under him. The title may be Mad Max but the women own this film. It's awesome. Give it a go. It will wow you.

Cold In July   Sat   24/11   BBC2 @ 23.15

Richard Dane kills a burglar in self defence inside his family home. The act sets in motion a sequence of events no one could foresee. This is a dark watch, a twisty, turny, seedy modern noir thriller that goes in directions that will surprise you every step of the way. A first rate cast including Michael C.Hall, Sam Shepherd, Vinessa Shaw and Don Johnson help keep it all believable.

The Survivalist   Sat   24/11   Film4 @ 23.15

A man lives a solitary existence in a post apocalyptic future ( is there any other kind of future? ) until one day two woman show up and turn his ordered existence upside down. Ireland's Martin McCann is a captivating lead in this unusual and intimate tale that delves into the minutiae of life in a world where everything is a danger. Mia Goth and Olwen Fouéré are fine in support. This is a graphic watch so be prepared.

Suspect   Sun   25/11   RTE1 @ 01.25

A woman is murdered and a homeless man with special needs is arrested. Kathleen Riley is hired to investigate a seemingly cut and dried case but soon she starts picking holes. Cher headlines this compelling and well acted 1987 crime drama that chucks a few nice surprises your way. Liam Neeson is solid in an early and nearly unrecognisable part and Dennis Quaid & the late John Mahoney pop up too.

Creed   Sun   25/11   ITV2 @ 20.25

Adonis Creed wants to follow in his father's footsteps and to do so he looks up the only man who could ever challenge him, Rocky Balboa. No one expected the 7th installment in the Rocky series to be this good but it's a fantastic achievement and one that sees Rocky stepping down to a supporting role as a new contender steps up. Michael B. Jordan, Tessa Thompson and of course Sylvester Stallone all do amazing work.

Double Jeopardy   Mon   26/11   TG4 @ 21.30

Libby and Nick have the perfect life until one day Nick disappears and Libby is blamed for his murder. But all is not what it seems. A splash of Hitchcock, a touch of film noir and a whole load of b-movie pulp mix well together and the result is the movie. Its a predictable enough watch but two nicely judged performances from Ashley Judd and Tommy Lee Jones help things to chug along well.

A Man For All Seasons   Tues   27/11   TCM @ 15.35

The story of Thomas More. One man brave enough to stand against the might of Henry the 8th when his desire for a new wife led to the creation of a whole new branch of christianity. A beautiful looking and brilliantly acted historical story about the strength and resilience required to stand up for what you believe in. Robert Shaw as King Henry is a force of nature but Paul Schofield as More owns the screen. 

Death Becomes Her   Tues   27/11   Syfy @ 21.00

A vain and narcissistic actress resorts to extreme measures when she realises a rival, both in love and work, is looking a lot better than she should be. A darkly funny and knowing look at the pressures placed on woman by an industry that discards then as they age. Deadly special effects and great performances from both Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn make it a highly entertaining watch. 

Dark City   Thur   29/11   Syfy @ 22.00

John has woken up in a place he doesn't recognise, his memories are lost and he's being chased for a crime he didn't commit. He must now enter a strange world to solve his problems. A dark, scary, thrilling, inventive and (at the time) very original slice of sci-fi that will keep you glued to the screen. Rufus Sewell, Kiefer Sutherland, Jennifer Connelly and William Hurt all put in a good shift.

His Girl Friday   Fri   30/11   TCM @ 05.30

Hildy's a reporter. Walter's her boss. Hildy wants a divorce from her husband. Her husband Walter. Hildy wants to remarry. Walter is appalled at the idea. This is brilliant fun, a masterpiece from the Golden Era of Hollywood that's filled with imminently quotable dialogue, superb performances from Rosalind Russell and Cary Grant and it moves so fast you won't be able to look away from the screen for a second..

Robin Hood

In the last 110 years Robin Hood has appeared onscreen approximately 77 times. Films, TV shows, cartoons, short movies as both a main and supporting character. He's been a woman, a fox, a gangster played by Frank Sinatra. You'd think we'd be sick to the back teeth of him by now. But nope, now we have a new film and there are at least 7 projects about him or related to him in development at the moment. But I've a feeling that number will drop rapidly when audiences get a look at the film being released this week.

Robin of Loxley was a nobleman leaving near the city of Nottingham. Life was good and he had a beautiful woman named Marian by his side until one day he was drafted into battle and sent to the Third Holy Crusade in an effort to bring the "one true religion" to the Middle East. The Nottingham he later returns home to bears little resemblance to the one he left. Now it's up to Robin to get things sorted out and him and his new buddy John waste no time in getting to it.

This is not a good film. It takes a brilliant story, one rich in detail and packed with vividly drawn characters and pukes modernity all over it. It's not quite as bad as last years King Arthur movie but it gets close at times. Horrible slow motion, manky music, stupid action scenes, it's bizarre and unnecessary kinda sorta not quite modern not quite medieval worldbuilding, barely sketched characters, it's near 2 hr running time seeming like twice that while still somehow feeling like it's missing whole chunks of story. It's an absolutely unnecessary film and adds nothing to the myth of Robin Hood. It's opening voice over promises a new take on the story and then straight away tells us the same aul shite again. A couple of plotlines and characters take a different route than what we've seen before but Robin's story stays exactly the same. A rich spoiled boy experiences the horror of war and comes back a changed man and decides to help the poor instead of the rich. We've seen this story 77 times already. We don't need to see it again.

At first I had an inkling that it might be ok. Taron Egerton had the makings of a charming Robin, Eve Hewson (lil Bono) was a cool Marian, Paul Anderson (so good in Peaky Blinders) as a nicely nasty Guy Of Gisborne, an action sequence set in Saudi Arabia shot like a US Marine raid on an Al-Qaeda compound promised gritty and violent action and it was all moving along smoothly and with a minimum of fuss and then it just.........went horribly wrong. It's hard to pinpoint the moment it goes bad but I can think of plenty of contenders. John's (Jamie Foxx, channelling Morgan Freeman and failing miserably) motivations and escape to England come to mind or maybe it's the appearance of Ben Mendehlson as a painfully panto-esque Sheriff of Nottingham. It might be the training montage ripped straight out of a Rocky film that will make you roll your eyes in shame or maybe it's seeing Marian going from interesting and mysterious to making goo-goo eyes at Robin and turning into a big ol' cliche. The bad far outweighs the good here and the stuff that works just invokes memories of better takes on the story. Gimme Kevin Costner and Alan Rickman and their magnificent mullets anyday.

You won't miss anything by missing this and I can safely say the sequel hinted at in the closing moments of the film will not be happening. The only audience it could possibly appeal to will be kids new to the story and then the violence of it's opening third will probably terrify them. Everyone else will just be laughing at the stupidity onscreen and not in a good way. I think it's time for the legend of Robin Hood to get an arrow through it's heart.

The Girl In The Spider's Web

Lisbeth Salander was the it girl of the literary world a decade ago. A series of books (The Millenium Trilogy) about her hacking exploits and her vigilante retribution on violent men were everywhere, you couldn't get away from them and unlike most hyped up books they actually lived up to their reputation. Well the first one anyway. Writer Stieg Larsson wrote the books as a way of casting a spotlight on the dark underbelly of Sweden's seemingly peaceful surface using people he knew and experiences he'd had as inspiration. The series was made into 3 Swedish language films that like the series of books themselves started strong and got progressively worse. Then in 2011 David Fincher adapted the first book and we got an English language version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. It was an ugly watch, dwelling more on the sexual violence aspect of the books than the original films. Not surprisingly it didn't really find an audience and no sequels were made. In 2015 a new book starring Lisbeth came out called The Girl In The Spider's Web, written this time by David Lagercrantz. So now we have another Lisbeth Salander movie that works in some places and not in others.

Salander is still in Stockholm and is still doing her thing. A man called Frans Balder has created a computer program capable of ending all life on earth and is regretting it so hires Salander to steal it from the U.S. government so it can be destroyed. In doing so she attracts the attention of both the N.S.A. and a very dangerous side of Stockholm's criminal underworld including a long lost face from her past.

I quite enjoyed this in the same way I enjoy a Bond or a Bourne movie. It was silly shooty fun full of decent scraps, car chases, sniper fire, odd looking bad guys and hulking henchmen. Sadly all the depth and complexity of the original trilogy has been thrown out in an effort to make it into a more audience friendly franchise and while it's an enjoyable enough watch the sanitisation of it all has knocked the darker and more interesting edges off Salander's story to make her an easily digestible hero for the masses. That said I'm glad we don't have to endure seeing her being tortured and abused anymore. Director Fede Alvarez has a nice eye too and fills the film with arresting images that do liven up proceedings somewhat. Salander as an avenger from Heaven, beautiful shots of the icy, snowy Scandinavian landscapes torn asunder by vehicles, a fight in a smoke filled bathroom pierced by glowing red eyes and more. He has a good handle on action too filling the climactic scenes with some satisfyingly crunchy moments. His direction makes the whole enterprise look good but can't fight that hollow feeling it all has.

I thought Salander would feel dated a decade later but in a climate of #metoo her brand of avenging angel vigilantism is more welcome than ever. It's just a pity we don't get to see her do more of it. An early scene aside the main story is a generic slice of action cinema that could have anyone as it's lead. She's a character who deserves a far better story than this. Claire Foy plays her this time around and does a fine job of showcasing her trademark fragility and strength. Her elfen presence making her a believable victim but when she fights back ( and boy does she) she makes a believable scrapper too. Foy is having a super year. This, First Man a couple of months back and Netflix's The Crown. With her part in that show now ended we can look forward to seeing more of her onscreen and based on this she'll do well.

The film brings back investigative journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Sverrir Gudnason) too. He's a dud. In the original trilogy his story was a driving narrative force but here he adds nothing apart from being another link to the past. He's just redundant. Every scene he appears in takes from Salander's story and he's just an annoyance. A character who with a little bit of rewriting could have been lifted out of the story altogether. His character brings actress Vicky Krieps into the story too as his boss Erika. She was phenomenal earlier this year in A Phantom Thread but here she's absolutely wasted. It's a pity that in a film with a great female lead that the supporting women get such short shrift. You get the feeling a lot of the supporting cast appear here as place holder's for future franchise installments but the films poor box office performance state side has made further chapters of Salander's story unlikely. It will be a shame if her story ends here because in this political climate a character like her has mighty potential.

If you liked the books and the previous films you might enjoy this but there's nothing really here for newcomers unless you're willing to go back to the previous installments first.

Insomnia

Insomnia is some bag of shit. Lying wide awake staring at the ceiling for no reason. Lying in a comfy bed in a dark room wondering why you can't sleep. The wondering getting your brain going thus ensuring you won't sleep. A vicious bastard cycle. Looking at your phone and groaning as the dawn creeps closer and closer. Knowing that looking at your phone will only make the problem worse but that's better than the mindnumbing frustration of lying in the dark wondering what time it is. Knowing the day in front of you will be filled with aches and pains and more yawns than you can shake a stick at. 

My neighbour complained recently that he only got 7 hrs sleep because the refuse collection truck woke him up and I had to fight the urge to kick him in the balls. 7 hrs? That's the holy grail to me. I consider it a good night if I can get 4 hrs of unbroken sleep. 

I've slept badly since I was 16. It's a shit trait I inherited from me Da. Recent studies say that not getting a full 8 hr kip a night will lead to premature death. So that's me fucked.

Ugh.

Odd censorship

The Grinch is in the cinema at the moment. A U rated film designed to, unlike the Grinch himself, bring joy to the faces of young kids accompanied by suffering parents. Amazingly The Grinch has something in common with a lot of horror and action movies and even some of the infamous video nasties. It had to be cut before it was released. When it landed in front of the BBFC ( British board of film classifiers) it was given a PG certificate for some mild bad language. The film's distributors wanted a U certificate so removed the mild bad language. This is called a category cut. The film could have been released uncut but wasn't for financial reasons.  Because the UK & Ireland are such small markets any cuts requested by the BBFC end up in the versions screened in Ireland as well. The mild language in question. The word "ass". Very silly ain't it, someone thinking that word could in any way be offensive. Kids hear far far worse in school every day. It's far from the silliest bit of censorship that's affected us though. Annoyingly if it wasn't for money, most of these snips wouldnt have even happened.

Jingle All The Way

Martial arts weapons like throwing stars and nunchuks were routinely removed from films in the 80's and 90's. Even when the weapon was nunchuks made of peppermint candy canes welded by a mini Santa Claus in a children's christmas film.

Casino Royale

In a film with people being slowly strangled to death and getting nails shot into their eyes it was a shot of a rope dangling over a shoulder that was a step too far.

The Angry Birds Movie

"Lets get the flock out of here." Wait a minute, that's a play on words, it sounds like "Let's get the fuck out of here." Let's ask for it to be removed even though it contains nothing offensive and will go over kids heads anyway.

Star Wars : Attack Of The Clones

Dismemberment? Grand. Decapitation. No hassle. A headbutt seen from the distance and shown in a split second flash?? NOOO can't be having that.

Hard Boiled

In a movie where over 300 people get bloodily shot down, including a scene where a group of special needs adults get machine gunned, it's someone getting kicked in the chest that got chopped.

Taken 2 

In an effort to make this franchise more family friendly this one got snipped so shoddily it looked like Liam Neeson killed the main bad guy by caressing his face instead of forcing his head onto a coat hook

Alvin & The Chipmunks.

The word crap was judged to be far too offensive for wee kiddies. Crud though. Crud was ok. Imagine having to cut a film about Alvin & The Chipmunks though. You'd need to really start re-evaluating things.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

A shot of Michaelangelo spinning sausages like nunchuks was removed from this 1991 movie, presumably to put a halt to pork product related violence on the playgrounds of England.

Black Knight

Martin Lawrence goes back in time. Martin Lawrence uses an aerosol can and a lighter to fight off enemies. The sight of this improvised weapon was too much so it was cut. Martin Lawrence now looks like he can breathe fire with no explanation. Fair enough.

The Angel's Share.

Ken Loach's 2014 film got snagged by silly language constraints. 7 cunts is grand but 13 cunts will warp our minds. So 6 cunts is the difference between a 15 cert and an 18 cert. Bye bye 6 cunts.

The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs

The Western genre feels like it's undergoing a little bit of a resurgence lately. Everyone on the planet is seemingly addicted to Red Dead Redemption 2 and all of them are singing it's praises. HBO's TV show Deadwood is finally getting a film to finish off storylines left hanging when the show was cancelled in 2006. Earlier this year we had the fantastic Godless miniseries on Netflix and now courtesy of Netflix again we have the latest Coen Brother's movie The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs available to watch. It's a good time to be a western fan.

This is an anthology film consisting of 6 short movies linked together by the book they all appear in. Some work brilliantly. Some are good and one is terrible. They are all very obviously Coen Brother's movies though. That mix of humour and violence that they do so well. They range from flat out silly slapstick to deliciously dark comedy to tragedy to one story so black it threatens to throw the entire enterprise off kilter. You'll be entertained and then you'll be absolutely appalled. 

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs is the first story and it sets out the film's stall in fine fashion. An absurd and silly slice of bloody slapstick with a great showing from Tim Blake Nelson as the titular sharpshooter. In rapid succession we get the tale of a bank robber and his ghoulish fate, a horrific story of a travelling one man show, an account of the hardships of prospecting, a Shakespearian tragedy set on the great plains (this one was my favourite by far) and a yarn about a strange carriage ride. The last one is a real dud that mars an otherwise fine film but because each story is self contained it gladly doesn't affect the other stories.

If you're a western fan there's so much to enjoy here. Two lovely and very different takes on The Streets of Laredo, that tragic ode to cowboy life written in 1910; the brief appearance of a hand of cards made very famous by the death of Wild Bill Hickok in a Dakota Tavern; a bank teller going full Ned Kelly; a ridiculous duel that wouldn't have looked out of place in Blazing Saddles and a saloon singalong direct from Paint Your Wagon; a very Coen take on the story of manifest destiny and more. The stories may be short but there's surprising depth in there too. The 3rd story, Meal Ticket, is a pitch black allegory about the death of the old west and All Gold Canyon is about how man's greed and never ending thirst for more will be the undoing of us all but in the end as a race we are truly insignificant in the greater scheme of things. 

It's a bit all over the place though. A mix of stories that mythologise the old west and revisionist stuff that shows it in all it's brutal actuality make for an odd tonal mishmash. It's hard to see who it's going to appeal to apart from genre fans and even then people will struggle with it. The jumble and lack of direction will irritate some. The casual brutality will alienate others. The format keeps it from getting boring though. If you don't like one story another will be along soon. The cast will draw people in too. Liam Neeson, James Franco, Tom Waits, Brendan Gleeson, Zoe Kazan and even Tyne Daly of Cagney & Lacey shows up livening up the crappy final section.

It's plain to see the Coen Brothers love a western though. From the western noir of Blood Simple to the modern set No Country For Old Men to their surprisingly old fashioned retelling of True Grit to this. It's a lovingly crafted film full of nods to famous moments, faces that look like they've been plucked directly from the era and stunning vistas that would feel right at home in a John Ford movie. Different styles make an appearance too. The cheesy musicals of the 50's, the Peckinpah style violence that regularly occurs, the James Franco lead second story that flirts with the trappings of Spaghetti westerns and we even get a taste of the supernatural that brings to mind forgotten films like Grim Prairie Tales. 

This film would never have seen the light of day if it wasn't for Netflix. Experiments like this just don't get into cinema's anymore. It's great that we get the chance to see them. It's not always successful but its always worth watching

10 films worth watching on TV this week

Children Of A Lesser God   Sat   17/11   TG4 @ 21.20

Sarah is a deaf woman who has decided to work at her old school rather than leave it. James is a new speech teacher at the school. There's chemistry there but past trauma gets in the way. A tender love story that is slightly dated in places but powerhouse acting from Marlee Matlin and William Hurt as the leads carries everything along. Deaf in real life actress Matlin won best actress at the Oscars for her role and thoroughly deserved it.

The Hunt   Sun   18/11   BBC2 @ 00.30

Lucas is a good man struggling with family issues but he doesn't let them affect his job. One day a misunderstanding brings his whole world crashing down. A very sympathetic Mads Mikkelsen does a superb job as the lead of this nerve wracking watch about how easily a lie can destroy a person's reputation and their life. Thomas Bo Larsen and Annika Wedderkopp back him up well.

Candyman   Sun   18/11   Film4 @ 01.00

The urban legends of Chicago are delved into by a graduate student doing research. She soon finds out that the sins of the past are haunting the present. A truly unsettling tale from the pen of Clive Barker and a rare film that will creep the living jaysus out of you even during its day time scenes. Virginia Madsen is very effective in the lead and Tony Todd as the title character will give you the chills big time.

Small Soldiers   Sun   18/11   E4 @ 12.10

Advanced missile technology accidentally causes a group of children's toys to come to life. Not cute happy toys. Because oh no, that would just be too easy. This is exciting, funny stuff that's a spiritual sequel to Gremlins and packed full of knowing nods to older sci-fi, war & horror films. Plenty to keep the kids and adults happy. Nice cast too with Kirsten Dunst and Jay Mohr standing out.

A Beautiful Mind   Mon   19/11   TG4 @ 21.30

A highly intelligent man has a lifetime full of opportunity before him until his greatest asset becomes his greatest enemy. Ron Howard's 2001 drama is a compelling watch filled with fantastic performances from Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Ed Harris and Paul Bettany. It's a bit worthy, a bit award baity but it's still a very solid film about the pressures that come with being the best.

The Winter Soldier   Mon   19/11   BBC1 @ 23.45

Captain America returns in his second film and finds out that allies he once trusted have far reaching and sinister plans for the people of earth. For my money the best of all the films Marvel studios has released so far. Ya it's full of CGI and action but it feels considered and mature as well. And has more than a hint of 70's paranoia thriller to it. Chris Evans is deadly as Cap as usual and gets cracking support from Scarlet Johansson and Robert Redford.

The File On Thelma Jordan   Tues   20/11   Film4 @ 13.00

Cleve Marshall is a lawyer who's life has taken a shite turn and he's started to romance a whiskey bottle. Until Thelma Jordan walks into his life like a wrecking ball. The great Barbara Stanwyck leads this very entertaining slice of film noir from 1950. She is, as always excellent. An exciting, tense and complicated watch that will keep you guessing right until the bitter end. 

The Stag   Tues   20/11   RTE2 @ 21.00

Six friends go on a stag weekend in the west of Ireland. 5 of them are very sensible. 1 of them is the total exact opposite of sensible. Madness ensues. A funny film with a lot of heart. The main character played by Hugh O'Connor is such a wet rag you'll want to slap him but the characters played by Peter McDonald and Andrew Scott more than make up for him. Oh, BTW the Raglan Road scene will choke you up.

The Children   Wed   21/11   The Horror Channel @ 23.15

Two families come together to finish out the year in a remote country house. It's all sweetness and light until the parents slowly start realising something very strange is up with the kids. Some warped gore scenes aside this is a deliciously dark watch that starts in a slowburn fashion before building to a gooey climax. Definitely not a movie for the squeamish amongst us. Eva Birthistle is a fine lead.

High Noon   Fri   23/11   TCM @ 14.55

A quiet western town finds itself cowering in terror when a feared gang makes a reappearance. Only one man is brave enough to stand up to them and on his wedding day too. A quintessential western and an early example of genre revisionism. Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly lead the film as the newly married couple and are both brilliant. Gripping and exciting stuff and all done in real time too which lays on the tension thick.

This Is England - A perfect moment from a perfect film.

Sheffield. 1983. Shaun has been having a tough time of it. He's been forced to wear flares to school and he's got no end of grief for it from Harvey the school bully. When he spoke back, his dead father was made fun of and that's when slaps started being thrown. A slow sad walk home turns into a fateful encounter as Shaun meets the people he's going to be friends with for the rest of his life.

A perfect scene and a perfect introduction to the wonderful group dynamic that persisted throughout the film and into the TV miniseries that followed. Shaun a troubled young man taken under the wing of Woody aka the soundest person on Earth. The brilliantly evocative clothing worn by Woody & Pukey (A very young Jack O'Connell) reminding us that youth subcultures and fashion used to be a thing before everyone turned into skinny tracksuit wearing automatons. The feeling of teenage boredom we all remember so well from the 80's and 90's is expertly summed up by the gang sitting under the bridge with nothing to do but wait. And of course we see in Shaun's smile the joy of finding a place where he finally feels like him belongs and we get to witness the start of a beatuiful and troubled friendship.

The scene itself encapsulates the film. Sadness followed by a brief burst of happiness before everything turns to shit. Milky the black teenager who considered himself a skin in that innocent time before a shaved head became a symbol of the far right. The moment you see him sitting there you know something bad is coming and sadly but inevitably it does.

By the way Gadget turns out to be one of the nicest characters in the entire series. He just takes a while to get there. He's just one of a wealth of fantastically drawn characters, all of them full of shades of grey. If you haven't seen this film and the following series yet I implore you to check it out. It's amazing, upsetting, life affirming stuff that will stick with you forever.

Reeling In The Years cinema style. 1934

1934 was a year and a half for film. Massive stars were born this year and 4 of them are still beavering away today at the age of 84. Numerous films released are still impacting movies  and some of them are still being remade to this day. The Hays code was the big movie news of the year.

The Hays Code came fully into effect. A set of moral guidelines designed to whip Hollywood into a more family friendly shape after a serious of scandals involving actors and studios in the 20's especially the Fatty Arbuckle case. Blood, nudity, swearing, homosexuality, sex & drug references and other nefarious goodies all vanish from Hollywood movies for the next 30+ years. This code is the reason why married couples in old B&W films always had separate beds. Ridiculous wasn't it.

It Happened One Night becomes the first film to win all 5 main Oscars at the Academy awards. Actor, actress, writer, director and film. Something not again achieved until 1975's One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest repeated the feat. It deserved them all. A glorious romantic comedy that's still influencing romcoms today. Rapid fire dialogue and great characters ensure that 84 years later this is still a brilliant watch.

The Merry Widow is the big earner of the year. A fun movie based on an opera. With the country in the midst of the Great Depression it's no surprise that audiences flock in droves to more light hearted fare than previous years. The gangster film and the Universal monster movies have taken a back seat.

Death Takes A Holiday. Another massive success this year and still an intriguing watch. Death takes the form of a human being to understand why people fear him so much. And of course he falls for a beauty.

The Thin Man. The first appearance on screen of Nick & Nora Charles. An absolute joy of a film. Clever, twisty, funny and the chemistry between it's stars Myrna Loy and William Powell bubbles off the screen. Worth tracking down if you haven't seen it. And yes Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist took it's name from here.

Cleopatra, Imitation Of Life & The Count Of Monte Cristo all appeared on screen this year and would go on to be remade again and again over the course of the 20th century. The 1934 versions still hold up though especially Cleopatra which was directed in reliably epic fashion by Cecil B.DeMille

Claudette Colbert

Without a doubt the actor of the year. It Happened One, Night, Cleopatra, Imitation Of Life and Four Frightened people all did mighty business and snagged her an Oscar too. A genuinely likable screen presence who sadly went on to live a troubled lonely life. Her career evaporated by the late 50's and she only appeared on screen twice more between 1960 and her death in 1996.

Man Of Aran. One of the most famous documentaries ever made appeared this year. Famous for both documenting the tough life lived by the people of the Aran islands off the coast of Galway and for the sheer amount of fabrication shown on screen. It wasn't until 4 decades later that the full truth came out about the manufactured drama show onscreen but it's still worth a watch for it's depiction of natural beauty and the cinematography techniques used.

Born this year were Alan Arkin, Shirley MacClaine, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Sophia Loren and Brigitte Bardot amongst others. Amazingly all of them are still in fine fettle and the first 4 in the list are still pumping out films at a rate that puts younger actors to shame. They made 'em tough in the Thirties.

Bright Eyes was released this year. The breakout hit little Shirley Temple who went on to become the sweetheart of the world during the rest of the decade. This fun bit of fluff is remembered mainly for her, the Good Ship Lollypop song she sang and the fact that it won her a special academy award. After being spotted 4 years previously her career was molded by her mother and the Fox Film Company who knew a star when the saw one and Bright Eyes was the first film written specifically for her.

Hers was the only debut of the year though. A few massive names made their mark this year and a couple of them would go on to be megastars over the next 4 decades.

Alec Guinness - Evensong
Rita Hayworth - Cruz Diablo
James Stewart - Art Trouble
Margaret Lockwood - Lorna Doone
Bob Hope - Going Spanish

They all stand in the shadow of one though. One big name appeared this year and even the children of 2018 have heard of him. The one, the only.

Donald's first appearance was in 1934's The Little Wise Hen and he's made 150 appearance's since then, the latest being Kingdom Hearts III, a computer game released this year. He's going nowhere.

Now for a film. Man Of Aran. In all it's dodginess. As always the legality of watching movies on youtube is murky. So I'll turn my back and you decide what to do next.




Previous years

1933
1932
1931
1930