Top 10 movies of the year so far

It's the end of June. The top 10 lists for the halfway mark of the year are arriving and they are full of films that were only ever shown in the IFI or The Lighthouse owned cinemas in Smithfield or Galway. It's rather annoying and a bit elitist. That said plenty of excellence has hit the cinema's outside the M50 and here's my ten best so far this year.

Diego Maradona

A documentary about a football player that even people who hate the sport will be able to enjoy. Starts off like a thriller and ends like a Shakespearian tragedy. Just magnificent. Review here.

Deadwood

One of the best TV shows of....well ever, finally gets the ending it deserved. A beautiful, upsetting and brilliant way to say goodbye to some of the best TV characters ever written. Review here.

Booksmart

Superbad but with women. So the reviews said but it's so much more than that. A funny and heartfelt look at the pitfalls and complexities of friendships with a leading pair for the ages. Review here.

Eighth Grade

A brutally honest and heartrending look at the realities of teenage life in an age where social media rules all and school shootings are a part of everyday existence. Review here.

Wild Rose

A life affirming watch about a young Scottish woman struggling to escape the humdrum deathly dullness of everyday life with an Oscar worthy lead performance from one of our own. Review here.

The Sisters Brothers

One of the best westerns I've seen in years. A tale of brotherhood that shakes up the genre while still managing to hit every beat you'd expect a western too. Fantastic acting. Review here.

Lords Of Chaos

The adaption of the infamous book about the rise and fall of Norwegian Black metal is a ludicrously violent one but at the same time a gripping, darkly amusing and very humane one. Review here.

The Curse Of La Llorona

A cliched Mexican set horror vaguely tied into the Conjuring universe but a combo of a very unsettling atmosphere, some wicked jump scares and a folklore rarely touched upon in mainstream cinema made it all work very well.

Can You Ever Forgive Me

Loneliness, alcohol and a new friendship combine in a tale of fraud and sadness carried along by some of the best acting so far this year. It sounds like a depressing watch and it's anything but. Review here.

Stan & Ollie

The story behind Laurel and Hardy is a beautiful & heartrending watch. 2 fantastic lead performances and some superb support will bring tears to your eyes. Review here.

Runners up

6 crackers that just missed out on the top spots. Reviews in titles.

The Favorite 
Captain Marvel
Departures
Piercing
Greta 
John Wick 3

The worst

Polar

Describing Polar as a septic turd is saying something nice about it. It's the kind of film that would make you reconsider your netflix direct debit.  Annoyingly directed by the man behind Lords Of Chaos. How can one be so bad and the other so good??? How? Review here.

11 films worth watching on TV this week

Margot At The Wedding   Sat   29/6   TG4 @ 21.25

At a family wedding in an affluent Long Island suburb family frictions come to the fore when an estranged woman and her son appear after a long time away. Nicole Kidman plays Margot in a film that will make you cringe & anger you but one that's also funny and full of depth. Kidman is excellent as always and gets wicked support from Jennifer Jason Leigh, John Turturro and Ciaran Hinds.

Raw   Sat   29/6   Film4 @ 22.45

Justine has gone to college. It's a whole new world for her. A hazing ritual designed to humiliate new students has a strange effect on her. Things get gory. This 2016 French horror is a fantastic watch but it's definitely only suitable for those with an iron constitution as it's gore and dark sexuality are.......well things get explicit. Garance Marillier is a first rate lead.

Buried   Sat   29/6   BBC1 @ 23.50

An American truck driver in Iraq is kidnapped and wakes up buried alive in a coffin. All he has is a cigarette lighter and a mobile phone. Can he escape in time? If you are anyway claustrophobic i'd advise you avoid this but if you think you'll be able for it, it's a very suspenseful and quite terrifying little tale. Ryan Reynolds carries the entire film on his shoulders and does a first rate job.

Vertigo   Sun   30/6   RTE1 @ 14.45

An intense story of obsession sees a detective hired to investigate a woman who he soon becomes consumed by. One of Alfred Hitchcock's many masterworks Superbly acted by Kim Novak & James Stewart with assured direction from the master and full of complexity and twist and turns. 14.45 is an odd time for it though, this is a film for a dark evening with a glass of something strong.

Pride   Mon   1/7   BBC2 @ 00.30

Gay activists & striking coal miners become unlikely partners in 1980's England when both find themselves suffering under the yoke of Margaret Thatcher. A fine drama that's both upsetting and inspiring and a cracking little history lesson to boot. Joseph Gilgun and Imelda Staunton amongst others are deadly but Bill Nighy is just spot on in a true story that you'll be glued to.

The Lonely Battle Of Thomas Reid   Mon   1/7   RTE1 @ 21.35

Thomas is a man stuck in the past and a man battling in vain against the IDA in an effort to hold on to the Kildare farmland he holds dear. This Irish documentary is a stunner, a real David & Goliath story about someone standing up for themself against the man. Like the best of Irish productions it will make you laugh and then kick you in the balls. Well worth a watch

A Fistful Of Dynamite   Wed   3/7   ITV4 @ 22.00

An IRA member is recruited by a Mexican bandito to rob a bank but he has other ideas. Rod Steiger and James Coburn are loads of fun in this at times hilarious and gorgeous looking western from the master, Sergio Leone. Its one of his lesser movies but its still really worth a watch. A couple of scenes from this were filmed in Toner's on Baggot Street in Dublin. See if you spot them.

Kidnapped   Thur   4/7   Film4 @ 16.30

A young man sold into slavery by an unscrupulous relative has the good luck to run into a fellow slave on the verge of escape. This adaption of Robert Louis Stevenson's novel is great craic, full of action and glorious Scottish scenery. It's might be slight and it's riddled with historical inaccuracies but a super cast including Michael Caine & Trevor Howard make it work.

Powder Room   Fri   5/7   CH4 @ 01.55

While out on the lash with her friends, a woman named Sam is confronted by faces from her past and in an effort to big herself up finds herself holding together a web of lies. The always on form Sheridan Smith does mighty work in this unusual little drama that consists of vignettes from a night out. An oddly claustrophobic yet humorous watch buoyed by solid supporting showings from Kate Nash and Jaime Winstone.

Crank : High Voltage   Fri   5/7   Film4 @ 22.45

Chev Chelios is on the move again in this insane sequel to the 2006 hit. His heart has been stolen(yeah) and only regular jolts of electricity are keeping him alive. Can he stay going long enough to get revenge? This film is absolutely unhinged and definitely not for the faint hearted. Jason Statham has a ball in the lead role and Amy Smart & Dwight Yoakam in back up just about manage to keep up with him.

Peggy Sue Got Married   Fri   5/7   RTE1 @ 23.20

Peggy Sue is going through a bad patch in life and when she collapses at her high school reunion she finds herself with a once in a lifetime chance to re-do her entire existence. Peggy Turner is splendid as the lead in this charming, funny and bittersweet comedy about life's regrets and taking chances. An early part for Nicholas Cage too gives an inkling of how crazy his performances would become in later years.

Udo Kier. Another unsung hero of film & TV

The man himself. The chap who uttered the immortal line "To know death Otto, you have to fuck life in the gallbladder." He's a fella we've all (yes all) seen onscreen but a man very few would be able to name. That voice. Those eyes. A combination that makes his every screen appearance memorable no matter how small the role may be. He's been around for what seems like an eternity and now thanks to directors like S. Craig Zahler & Alexander Payne he's being reintroduced to a modern audience. The German hospital he was born in during World War II was bombed minutes after his birth and that kind of overblown drama has been part and parcel of his career ever since.

He's worked with some massive names like Paul Morrissey, Gus Van Sant, Rainer Werner Fassbinder, Dario Argento and Lars Von Trier. He's been in the magnificent Andy Warhol's Flesh For Frankenstein & the memorable Andy Warhol's Dracula and somehow the putrid Ace Ventura : Pet Detective. He's seduced River Phoenix and Keanu Reeves with a sinister dance. Been in not one but two of the infamous video nasties of the 80's. He's had his vampire teeth pulled from his head by Stephen Dorff and faced off against Scooby Doo and Shaggy. Nash Bridges arrested him for dodginess and Gabriel Byrne punched his fist through his head. A corsetted Pamela Anderson ended his life and he once even evaluated a pre asteroid bound Bruce Willis. He's a jack of all trades but the horror genre has always and will always be his bread and butter. He's been making films since 1966 and he's still only 74 so there's tonnes more films to come. 200 plus appearances onscreen. Wow. Check it out here.

Greatest Hits

Andy Warhol's Frankenstein - Baron Frankenstein. This along with Mark Of The Devil put him firmly on the map for horror fans. He's superb here, cheesy and hammy enough to make a lovely toasted sandwich. His death scene is an all time classic and still the best use of 3D ever. Yes, that is his liver.

Suspiria. Dr Frank Mandel. The psychiatrist who lays bare the terrifying secrets of the Tanz dance academy.

Blade. Gitano Dragonetti. An ancient vampire with an astounding moniker troubled by the violent ways of modern bloodsuckers. Another cracker of a death scene in this one.

Mother Of Tears. The finale to Dario Argento's witch trilogy is a terrible film but he's one of it's few highlights. Until he gets his face chopped up by a blind monk carrying a meat cleaver.

Brawl In Cell Block 99. In a film packed with hideous violence it's his 3 minute cameo and the terrifying lines he speaks that will stick with you. For weeks. Shudder.

Previous heroes

Fairuza Balk
Ernie Hudson
Lin Shaye
James Remar
Cloris Leachman
James Hong
David Strathairn
Frankie Faison
Conchata Ferrell
Dick Miller
Veronica Cartwright
Edie McClurg
Barry Shabaka Henley           
Raymond Cruz                        
Reg E.Cathey                          
Elizabeth McGovern               
John Amos                              
Bruce Greenwood                  
Mary McDonnell                     
Gerald McSorley                       
John Rothman                        
Margo Martindale                   
Kurtwood Smith                     
Paula Malcolmson                 
Luis Guzman                          
David Morse                           
Linda Hunt                              
Keith David                             
Zeljko Ivanek
Fiona Shaw
Xander Berkeley
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa
C.C.H Pounder
William Forsythe
Beth Grant
Sven-Ole Thorsen
Regina King
Ric Young
Mark Rolston
Illeana Douglas
Jeanette Goldstein
Al Leong
Allan Graf
Bill Nunn
Thomas Rosales Jr

Child's Play

I'd love to be a fly on the wall the day Jeff Bezos sits down to watch Child's Play. It's going to rile the face off of him. It's a very pointed attack on the likes of Amazon & Google et al with their slave like work practices and their insidious encroachment into everyday life that's done in a way that raises it high above your usual slasher film fare. Plus it's great fun. Any film about a killer doll who uses a lawnmower to remove a grown man's face will always be a crowd pleaser.

Andy and his mother Karen Barclay are new in town and they're struggling. She's in a dead end job and saddled with a boyfriend who's a piece of shit. Andy is lonely and his shy nature is making it hard for him to find new friends. Seeing her son withdrawing into himself upsets Karen and she manages to get her hands on a Buddy doll to cheer him up. The Buddy doll is the new must own toy, one that hooks itself into the house wifi and learns all it's owner's behaviours so it can be both a friend and loyal servant to them. Unfortunately for the Barclay's this buddy doll has had it's programming fried by a suicidal factory worker and now Buddy takes any threat to his new owners very seriously.

This is so much better than it any right to be. It reboots a long running franchise in a way that's both entertaining and very relevant to how we live in 2019. We've given all manner of machines and software free run in our homes without a second thought. Siri, Alexa, Amazon echo's, iPhones and Android phones with their always on receivers, all intrusive gadgets that eavesdrop on everything we say and do. Imagine they turned against us. They know our fears, they know our weaknesses, they *shudder* know our search history. We've exposed ourselves to them totally. If they decided to gang up on us we'd be fucked. Now imagine them in the shape of a wifi enabled doll with opposable thumbs who can carry a knife and who's been influenced by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. It's far fetched but it ain't that far fetched. Certainly no more than the original film's voodoo shenanigans.

Like the original movies Chucky is once again the main draw. Voiced by Mark Hamill this time instead of Brad Dourif, he's still a creepy little fecker. The bizarrely coiffed ginger hair, the misshapen gob, the odd blue eyes that change colour when his mood does and his off way with language where everything sounds sinister no matter how innocuous the words used are. Seeing him formulating and carrying out his plans is still a joy and it's even funnier when he claims to be doing it for Tupac (Chucky is East Coast to the core). The human cast gamely tries but they never keep up with him. Aubrey Plaza and Gabriel Bateman are a believable mother & son but the great Brian Tyree Henry of Atlanta fame is wasted in a role that adds nothing but cool cache to the casting (alliteration, huh). Against an enemy who uses horror tactics usually only seen in the Mexican drug wars they never had a chance.

Good horror has always touched on the societal fears of the day. Vampire movies were always a metaphor for disease. Romero's Dead Trilogy was a Vietnam hangover, 28 Days Later looked at our fear of contagion and so on. Now it's time for them to play with the main fear of now, that of constant surveillance, by both the big boys of industry and the Man. It's done in a blunt and unsubtle way but that's how horror needs to be in this day and age. People need to be hit over the head with a message otherwise we won't listen. Technology has just made everything so easy and because of that we're far too willing to overlook it's dodgy side.

The 8th (seriously) film in the Child's Play franchise is well worth your time. It won't be around long though so if you want to see it go now.

Toy Story 4

Toy Story 3 was one of the all time great sequels. Hilarious, terrifying, capable of emotional moments that would pin you to your chair and stay in your head for days afterwards. The type of cartoon that made you look back on your own childhood through a bittersweet haze. It was a fantastic way to finish the Toy story trilogy. Then a few years ago rumours of a 4th installment started to leak out and it sounded like the worst idea ever, a cynical franchise extension designed to make Pixar a ball of money. So imagine the collective sigh of relief when Toy Story 4 has turned out to be just as entertaining as the rest. Now it doesn't reach the heights of part 3 naturally but how could it.

Woody (Tom Hanks), Buzz (Tim Allen), Jessie (Joan Cusack) and the gang have settled in with their new owner Bonnie but as she grows out of the toddler phase she's playing with them less and less. They've been through this disappointment before but Woody's devotion to his owner is as solid as ever and when he sees her upset about going to kindergarten he decides to tag along to keep an eye on her. While there she creates a new toy out of trash and names him Forky (Tony Hale) and of course he comes to life when she leaves the room. Bonnie's new found love of Forky and Woody's need to keep her happy all come together on a very eventful road trip.

Fair play to you Pixar. You've only gone and done it again, we should never have doubted you. You've somehow managed to create that almost flawless blend of humour, sadness, pathos and thrills. For the kids you have all the laughs and thrills and spills they could ever want and for us adults we get scenes of existential angst, heartbreak, loss, bargaining and eventually acceptance, you know, the good stuff. We get heist thrills, puppet terror, scenes of genuine emotional truth that will really make you think and a few full on belly laughs courtesy of 3 headed sheep and 2 fluffy toys who've been left hanging on the shelf for way too long. Waaaayyyyy toooooooo long.

You'll be hard pressed to find a more inventive or exciting 100 minutes in the cinema this year. But that doesn't mean it's perfect. The usual suspects like Jessie, Ham, Rex and Bullseye are an afterthought in part 4 and get very little to do. They worry about Woody and Buzz and while watching Rex being attacked by panic (his words) is always funny there's not much mileage in in. Poor aul Buzz Lightyear gets fierce short shrift this time around too and without the central partnership of him and Woody the film does lose some of what made the original 3 special. Real life has no doubt played a part here as Tim Allen over the years has proved himself a bit of a nasty fella in interviews and it's finally backfired on him it seems. That said a tonne of new character's try their best to fill the void left and they mostly succeed.

Forky (Tony Hale) is an affecting new face in the bunch and his role as a toy who doesn't want to be here adds a surprising depth and a heretofore unknown in the Toy Story franchise level of welcome black humor. Christina Hendricks does good work as Gabby Gabby, a sinister vintage doll who's visage hides a myriad of emotion and the seemingly ubiquitous Keanu Reeves turns up as Duke Kaboom and has a ball in the part. Jordan Peele and Keegan Michael Key also join the cast as Bunny and Ducky and their imaginary plan of action half way through the movie will just slay you. I'd be happy to see these two get their own spin off. Angry plush toys will never fail to amuse.

The film belongs to Tom Hanks as Woody though. An actor masterful even when you can't see his face and his turn as the little cowboy who could has always been the heart of these films. He'll break your heart. The little downturn in his features when he finds out he's been forgotten yet again. The joy when he realises he has a chance to please his human, though she'll never know about it. Even though it's his 5th go around he isn't going through the motions either and gets to genuinely grow as a character and make some real big grown up decisions that will affect both himself and the future of this franchise. It's affecting and marks a level of maturity you wouldn't be used to seeing in a movie this mainstream, let alone an animated one.

If this is the final Toy Story installment then i'm happy to say it's a pretty wonderful one. As much as I love these characters, both returning and new, I do hope it's the end now. Pixar should take a leaf out of their own book and move on to something new. That said, a Bunny & Ducky movie would hit the spot. Just an idea.

Brightburn

Brightburn, Kansas, 2006. Tori (Elizabeth Banks) and Kyle (David Denman) want a child but nature is cruel. One day there's a flash in the sky and a glowing red meteor buries itself in their land. There's a little baba inside. They raise the boy as their own. No one knows their secret. In a place like Brightburn it's easy to hide a skeleton in the closet. As the boy reaches puberty he discovers he has strange powers. Inhuman strength. The power of leviatation. His name? It's Clark Ken........... No, no, no wait, it's not, it's Brandon Breyer and he's not on Earth to use his powers for good.

I thoroughly enjoyed Brightburn. It's silly but it's gleefully and unapologetically nasty fun. Faces fall apart, there's eyeball trauma in here that the great Lucio Fulci would have been proud of and we get to see what happens to a person who gets in the way of somebody who can travel faster than a speeding bullet. It's a far cry from the family friendly Marvel offerings of the past few years and as the story progresses it it goes from comedy fun into a place far more horrific. The version screening in the UK and here is slightly cut btw but only by a few seconds. It's not based on any comic book in particular but it hits all the beats you'd expect an origin story to hit and it does it all in a very succinct 90 minutes. In an era of 180 minute long epics it's brevity feels like a breath of fresh air.

It's very much a film for 2019 too. Young Brandon is the epitome of spoiled male privilege. He sees what he wants and he takes it and woe betide the people (mostly women) who get in his way. An embarrassed and rushed talk about the birds and the bees with his Da sets him down a dark path and its a scene that stresses the importance of clear and open communication. So many of today's societal issues could be nipped in the bud if people were willing to properly talk. But nope, and so cycles of harm continue. It's a testament to the skill of screenwriter James Gunn that he can fit these telling little character moments into a short movie without them feeling jarringly rushed or out of place.

Good performances make it work too. The silliest things can be made palatable when you've good cast to ground it all and who will really sell the more outlandish moments. David Denham is a great everyman. A big burly all American with the beard and the shoulders. The type of father who's supposed to make you feel safe and who's worldview is shaken to it's core when things don't go exactly as planned. The always reliable Elizabeth Banks has reached the mammy stage of her career and like everything else she does she does it well. Her love for her son is never in doubt, even when the shit hits the fan. Jackson A. Dunne as Brandon is a creepy little bastard. A blank facade hiding the type of evil usually ignored in favour of world domination. In his quieter one on one moments he's effective too. The words "You cannot do this" are rarely chilling but he makes it work.

It's only when old tropes of the horror and superhero genres are recycled that Brightburn stutters. Characters are introduced who you know will be dead or dying later, they only exist to be meat for the grinder. You don't care about them or their fate and they take away from the smaller and more intimate family moments. Then at the end the filmmakers feel the need to tie proceedings into a wider universe of characters in a moment that will make your eyes roll out of your head. It might involved a highly entertaining and very familiar genre face but it feels like bandwagon jumping at it's most cynical. You know, there's nothing wrong with being a one-off. Not everything has to be kickstarting a franchise. It's something Brightburn doesn't need. An R-rated scifi horror about a strange kid was never going to be a big money spinner and should have been left as it's own thing.

Issues aside there's plenty to like about Brightburn. On the surface it's dark and sinister but underneath there's some food for thought too. It's a film aimed at a spoiled generation who've never heard the word no. They could learn something from it. Most of them won't watch it though. It's just not shiny enough.

Bus Eireann

Bus Eireann are useless. The above should be their new motto.

You can't rely on them. Their customer service is as non existent as their buses. I want the company to go down in flames so i can stand over them and laugh as they wonder how it all went wrong. The skipped a full town on one of their busiest routes today and left me and a dozen others standing around like a pack of twats in the rain. I'd love to say it was a one off but sadly it never is.

They have no competition in most places so they have no incentive to change. They're are a national embarrassment. The government have committed to tackling climate change by 2030 and to do so they first need to sort out public transport to give people a viable alternative to their car. But they won't. Nothing will change. In 11 years time Bus Eireann will be worse than it is now and it will cost twice as much as fuel prices rise.

I need to learn how to drive. Bahhh.

10 films on TV this week that are worth your time.

The VVitch   Sat   22/6   Film4 @ 23.05

The America's of the 1600's were a strange and scary place as one family finds out when they are shunned from their religious community and try to start a new life out on their own. This is a film that will leave you on edge for a long time before it truly frightens the life out of you.  There's nothing better than a horror movie that fully commits to it's premise. Anya Taylor-Joy, Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie are all superb

Down And Out In Beverly Hills   Sat   22/6   RTE2 @ 23.20

The Whiteman's are a rich but totally dysfunctional family living in Beverly Hills whose lives are interrupted when a homeless man tries to commit suicide in their pool. Paul Mazursky's comedy drama about alienation and social mores is fair more entertaining than it sounds. It's 80's as hell, it's dated in places but it's a fine watch and a wonderful cast including Bette Midler, Richard Dreyfuss and Nick Nolte sell the hell out of it.

Dial M For Murder   Sun   23/6   RTE1 @ 15.10

When he discovers his wife is being unfaithful a man decides to murder her to inherit her riches. These things never go to plan though. One of Alfred Hitchcock's most ingenious, darkly funny and enoyable films is one that also manages to overcome it's staginess with clever writing, first rate dialogue and fantastic performances. Ray Milland and Grace Kelly are perfectly cast.

Bend Of The River   Sun   23/6   TG4 @ 14.30

The second collaboration between James Stewart and director Anthony Mann is a majestic watch. An oft told tale of simple homesteaders being harassed by landowners but one that's kept fresh by authentic acting, action and scenery. Plus it's always fun to see an actor with a screen persona like Stewart play someone ruthless and all in glorious Technicolor too. A nice rainy Sunday afternoon film.

Road Games   Sun   23/6   The Horror Channel @ 22.50

Pamela is hitchhiking across Oz. Pat isthe lorry driver who picks her up. Then Pamela disappears and Pat finds himself playing cat & mouse with a very dangerous presence. Richard Franklin's thriller is a forgotten classic, one that plays out like an 80's version of a Hitchcock movie. Very unpredictable and very compelling. Stacy Keach and Jamie Lee Curtis both do good work as always.

The River Wild   Mon   24/6   More4 @ 01.35

While on rafting vacation a woman, her estranged husband and their son rescue a pair of men who are in trouble on the water. But there's more to these men than meets the eye. Meryl Streep as the lead is excellent as always ( seriously, is there actually anything she cant do?) and David Strathairn & Kevin Bacon back her up well. Great acting, some exciting action & beautiful scenery and .......and what else do you need? 

The Social Network   Mon   24/6   TG4 @ 21.30

A Harvard student called Mark Zuckerberg claims to be the brains behind a new website called Facebook. But he's not the only one who had a hand in it. David Fincher's story about the most used website on Earth is a gripping watch. Who would have thought a film about social media would end up as tense as any thriller. Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Rooney Mara and Justin Timberlake all rock it.

Wild   Tues   25/6   Film4 @ 23.20

In an effort to jolt herself back to life after her mother dies, a woman embarks on a hike along the full length of America's west coast with no previous experience. Reese Witherspoon is exceptional in this, as good as she's ever been. Darkly funny in places and harrowing in others but a film that will suck you in and demand you watch til the end. Laura Dern who appears in flashbacks as her mother is reliable as always.

White God   Thur   27/6   Film4 @ 01.15

Due to a new law, a young girl in Budapest loses her beloved dog and sets out to find him. However the dog is sick of being treated badly by other humans..... A real one of a kind film here, surreal, unique, brilliantly made and pretty damn hard to watch in places but it's really something else. Zsófia Psotta as Lili is a fine young actor and the film gives an insight into a country and a culture we rarely see on film.

The Disappearance Of Alice Creed   Fri   28/6    The Horror Channel @ 22.45

Alice is being held hostage by Vic and Danny. They want her father's money. She's tied to a bed and seemingly helpless. What will she do? This 2009 British thriller is a tough watch but it's unpredictable narrative combined with a trio of solid performances from Eddie Marsan, Gemma Atherton and Martin Compston will keep you watching til the very end. For a movie mostly set in one room it's a surprisingly layered one.

Nipping it in the bud

I told a teenage bloke to shut the fuck up in the cinema the other day.

I've turned into that lad. Ya......

But I've got to say I got immense satisfaction from seeing his expression change to that of a told off child.

I went to see Diego Maradona the other day. A film i'd wanted to see for a while. A young lad sat in the row behind me in a pretty empty cinema which set my alarm bells ringing straight away. But he was quiet and using his phone so it seemed grand. 30 seconds before the actual film started he was joined by a friend and proceeded to drone on and on and on in the dullest monotone you've ever heard for the first ten minutes of the film. At first I tried to ignore it, then proceeded to giving him dirty stares. Nothing changed. I tried the old passive aggressive, aimed at no one in particular shush and he didn't take one bit of notice. Eventually I turned and said "please stop talking." He looked right through me. The blood was starting to boil. I was squirming. Them he talked again. I turned and told him in my profane Tipperary style and in no uncertain terms to shut up. His smile vanished. He shrunk down in his chair. I smiled smugly. The next 2 hrs were spent in blissful silence.

You go to the cinema to watch a film. You don't go to the cinema to talk loudly and constantly to the person next to you. It's gowl acting. It's insulting to the people who made the film and to the other people who paid to watch the film. We came to see a story not hear yours. Cinema staff don't give a shit about what happens once they've got your money so it's up to us to police our own cinema experience. That's not good enough. We're getting gouged enough, the least they could do is make sure we enjoy ourselves.

Next time you're in your chair listening to some melt bating on about whatever, nip it in the bud. Use profanity. Be as loud as they are. Take them by surprise. Don't let 'em win. Enjoy your movie. You've earned it now. Plus all the other cowards in the screen will love you.

Diego Maradona

Diego Maradona opens with a pulsating 80's synth score laid over images of what seems like a car chase, some vicious on field violence and scenes of nightclub excess. If you went into it cold you couldn't be blamed for assuming it was some kind of soccer meets gangster movie concoction. It's exciting stuff, it's hooks you instantly and it's an intoxicating way into an excellent documentary about a man who flew too close to the sun and died a thousand deaths on his way back to earth.

Diego Armando Maradona was born in Buenos Aires in 1960 into a life of poverty. The youngest in a family of 7, young Diego was the mammy's boy. As a child he was preternaturally gifted with a football and it wasn't long people started taking notice. At the age of 15 he began to play for Argentinos Juniors and became the breadwinner for his family. At the age of 22 he joined Barcelona but his time there was an unhappy and unsuccessful one. His next move was to the faltering Napoli team in the Italian Serie A league and here was where his legend began. His sudden rise to fame combined with a burgeoning ego......well you all know what happened next.

The best sport documentaries are the ones that grab you even if you aren't a fan of the sport. Hoop Dreams, Katie, Murderball, Red Army, When We Were Kings & Senna amongst many others. That last one was directed by Asif Kapadia who also directed Amy. Like Diego Maradona, Amy and Senna were about ordinary people elevated to godlike status because of their talents. Unlike Amy and Senna the subject in Diego Maradona is still alive, but sadly he's not really living much. It's a tale that's been told a million times. A person with a gift becomes famous too fast and it all goes to their head. Like the other 2 documentaries this one is a sympathetic portrayal too. We see deeper into Diego than we were let by the infamous tabloid headlines everyone remembers from back in the day  We begin to understand how things ended up the way they did. We begin to empathise with Diego and then finally we realise just how tragic it all ended up.

Imagine it. You're in your mid 20's. The world is at your feet. You've helped your club hit the top spot. You're the reason your country has won the World Cup. Everyone is worshipping you. Your blood is looked on as godlike (seriously). The Mafia wants to be friends with you. You've no family around to keep you grounded. Women are throwing themselves at you left, right and centre. Cocaine is flying. Is it any wonder Diego lost the plot. This is all stuff we knew already, even if you don't follow the sport. But hearing it all over archive footage of a young man clearly out of his depth makes you analyse it all differently. The smug arrogance disappears and instead you see a person struggling to come to terms with the madness around him. Imagine it. Horrible. Then, just as you peak, your own talent comes back to bite you on the arse and the world that previously loved you despises you instead. It's all quite brutal.

Even if you don't like football you'll be gripped watching this. It's as packed with action, intrigue, backstabbing and tension as any thriller. There's stuff in here that would seem far fetched in fiction. The horrible coincidence involving a World Cup fixture that snuffed out any bit of love Italy had for Diego. That lovely little lob that made him a god in his own town. The blatant foul that made him infamous around the world (brilliantly, England are made seem like the bad guys here, big laughs in the cinema at this part). Knowing the truth of what's coming makes it all a tense watch too. At times you'll think "how did it get so fucked up" and then it starts, the inexorable fall from grace that turns genuinely upsetting rapidly. Here we see vividly what Asif Kapadia has been getting at all along. Fame is not good, fame never ends well.

It's a story that could be transferred to any sport, any arena of celebrity. It's exhilarating and then it's tragic. It is really worth watching. In cinemas now.

Murder Mystery

There's a shot at the end of Murder Mystery, the new Adam Sandler/Netflix collaboration that suggests there will be a sequel. Please don't let it happen. The film itself isn't the worse thing Sandler (damning it with faint praise there) has done but one look at him in the movie tells us he's done. With it all. There's no bit of light in his eyes anymore. He looks like a man sleepwalking through the motions and as a fan of his 90's output it's just painful to watch.

Nick (Sandler) and Audrey (Jennifer Aniston) are a married couple in New York. He's a cop and she's a hairdresser. Their marriage has reached the point where they're more or less room-mates and to kick a bit of life back into their relationship they head abroad for a bus trip around Europe. On the plane over Audrey has a chance encounter with the suave and very rich Charles Cavendish (Luke Evans) who invites the couple on a once in a lifetime trip aboard his family yacht. A violent occurrence aboard the yacht sees Nick and Audrey scrabbling to stay one step ahead of the law and trying to save their own skin.

Murder Mystery is Sandler's 5th film made in conjunction with Netflix. (The Meyerowitz Stories was only purchased by them). It's the best of the bunch but that really doesn't mean a thing considering the absolute state of the other ones. It has a fine cast and some lovely location work but it all just feels like a bigger budget version of an ITV drama. Like the yacht inhabitants the film's jokes die horrible deaths and every non lead character is a groanworthy stereotype. David Walliams as a yacht guest at least has the good grace to take a self inflicted early exit to save us from too many camp flamboyance jokes. It's a throwback to another age, an era of lowest common denominator entertainment that needs to be forgotten about.

Sandler really annoys me. I know he has it in him to be good, hell he's even capable of greatness when he tries but he's just given up these days. This is a man who's given us Spanglish, The Wedding Singer, Punch Drunk Love, Funny People, The Meyerowitz Stories (this one from 2017 was a blip). Films that showed us how capable he is of displaying every aspect of human emotion. Films that showed us how good of an actor he could be when he wanted to be. Films that frustrate when you think about how much time he squanders spewing out muck. Everything he does now is done with one dead eye on his bank statement. Thankfully Jennifer Aniston brings some bit of spirit to her role as a woman trying to liven up her gone stale life. As usual with everything she appears in she's the best thing on screen. She still has that impeccable comic timing and that wonderful way that she can make even the dullest dialogue sound funny but her role just shows up another downside of the movie.

It's painfully predictable. The second Aniston says her first line you know how the film is going to play out and finish. Say what you want about Happy Gilmore but you never knew what was going to happen in that one (alligators, nails, Bob Barker). Everything here is telegraphed, every twist is obvious and every baddie can be seen from a mile away. It's 2019 ffs. Audiences are sophisticated. We expect more from our viewing. Please deliver it to us. It's not a big ask. Imagination is free and it's an infinite resource. Please use it.

It's just about better than 'The Week Of' and 'Sandy Wexler'. It wees all over 'The Do-Over' and 'The Ridiculous Six'. It's still not good though. It's comedy at it's broadest and it's blandest. A game performance from Jennifer Aniston isn't enough to save it. Adam, fella, it's time to let go, it's time to go into the light. Have a Labatts and a rest.

Men In Black : International

When rebooting a languishing and almost dead franchise it's a good idea to come at it from another angle than before, to bring something fresh and exciting to the table. It's common sense to shake things up. Maybe even take a look at your plotlines and characters through a prism of current events and use what's going on in the world today to make an old story relevant to a modern audience.  Men In Black : International does nothing like that. Men In Black : International sucks. Like Men In Black 2 & 3, it soon enough will be forgotten so thoroughly that it mightn't even exist.

An alien encounter as a child in New York embues Milly Wright with a thirst for knowledge of what exists beyond our planet. Her need to know what's out there leads her to the headquarters of the Men In Black. Agent H is a Man in Black working in the London branch. He's an admired and respected agent and when Molly is transferred to London she feels compelled to work with him as he's always in the middle of things. It doesn't take long before trouble finds them.

I thought this was shit. It's a painfully unfunny film, one absolutely bereft of new ideas and one happy to coast by on the charm of it's leads. A pair of leads who have zero chemistry between them by the way despite sharing tonnes of it in their previous collaborations. It's an utterly forgettable film too. So much so that a trip to imdb was required to remember the lead characters names while writing this. It opens with a horribly telegraphed plot point that comes to zilch and it's all predictable as hell. It offers nothing new to stir up the franchise. Nothing. It's baddies are crap. It's idea of edginess is telling us that Piers Morgan is an alien. FFS, we all knew that already. For a film all about migration control there was so much scope here for a commentary on real life migration but do we get anything at all? Nope. Not a sniff.

It's all such a waste. It should be funny. It should be exciting. It's a story about one of America's most mythical urban legends. The Men in black suits, the folk who know there's life beyond the stars. It should be intriguing. It's none of that at all. A film packed full of talent like this should be a worthwhile watch. Chris Hemsworth is easily the most entertaining part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. His Thor was a barrel of laughs and usually stole every scene he appeared in. Here he's content to smile and give people a thumbs up. No, seriously, that's all he does. His gift for comedy doesn't exist in this dojo and his action chops are barely given a run out at all. Tessa Thompson tries gamely but comes up empty when she has nothing to play off. Her introduction into the movie promises something interesting and fails to deliver on that promise totally. Her and Hemsworth had chemistry to burn in Thor : Ragnarok but there's no trace of it here. Liam Neeson as Agent T looks embarrassed and Emma Thompson as Agent O just looks bored. It's simply a paycheque job for both. Even the usually reliable Kumail Nanjiani as the lil Alien pawnee is reduced to spouting painfully lame one liners and plays a part that could have been snipped from the movie in seconds.

It's a continuation of the Men In Black franchise but also a reboot too. There's an artistic nod to Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones but apart from that's there's little connective tissue to the old films apart from Emma Thompson's character who's wasted to an absurd degree. It feels very much like the start of a new franchise and so on top of all it's other problems, it suffers from franchise starter problems too. Storylines and characters only appear to cement themselves a place in further installments. They feel underused and unfinished and when that involves squandering fine actors like Rebecca Ferguson it all feels very frustrating indeed. She plays a character with a past connecting her to Agent H that could have had potential but then she's just gone and you're left wondering why she took the part at all. In fact I'm left wondering why anyone took part in this. It certainly wasn't because of the script..........*cough* $$$$$$$$

This was muck. It doesn't deserve to share a name with the original movie, that 98 minutes of perfection from 22 years ago. It's a dud that will probably be the nail in the coffin for the series.

11 films worth watching on TV this week

The Water Diviner   Sat   15/6   RTE2 @ 22.15

In the wake of the battle of Gallipoli a man travels to Turkey from Australia to locate his missing sons using the gift he has. This Russell Crowe led tale is an interesting and heartfelt watch about a part of World War 1 that is rarely talked about yet affected an entire continent. It's a fine history lesson too. Crowe as always is reliable and gets good back up from fellow oz actors like Jacqueline Mackenzie & Jai Courtney.

The Descent   Sat   15/6   The Horror Channel @ 23.00

6 women go on a potholing expedition into an underground cavern. Things go arseways. First off, if you are claustrophobic don't even bother with this. You'll be terrified and out of breath before the horror elements of the film even hit. If you are able for it you're in for a treat. A terrifyingly intense treat. Shauna McDonald and Natalie Mendoza are excellent and Neil Marshall's direction is first class.

The Dead   Sat   15/6   RTE1 @ Midnight

Conversations about long lost love during a dinner party in early 20th century Ireland unearth memories and emotions. Sounds like a snoozefest yes? No, its not, it's so far from it. It's a sumptuously acted story that will hit you right in the gut and stir up thoughts and memories of your own. It's brilliant. From a story by James Joyce and with 2 stunning lead turns from Angelica Huston & Donal McCann, this one will stay with you for a long time.

What We Do In The Shadows   Sun   16/6   BBC2 @ 23.15

A documentary crew films the lives of a group of vampires in a house share in Wellington, New Zealand. Sounds odd right? It is but it's also so much fun. A laugh out loud comedy in parts thats sprinkled with some surprisingly bloody horror, some social commentary and even a touch of pathos. Jermaine Clemant and Taika Waititi ( also the director) are perfect as two of the main vamps. Give this a go. 

St. Vincent   Sun   16/6   CH4 @ 23.35

After an incident with his next door neighbour a grumpy old Vietnam vet begins to babysit her bullied son and soon they begin to see the best in each other. A fun, bittersweet comedy that will make you laugh and upset you in equal measures. Bill Murray in the lead is better than he's been in years and Melissa McCarthy as his neighbour is great in a role that's a lot more dramatic than her usual parts.

Brighton Rock   Mon   17/6   TCM @ 03.05

Pinky's the leader of a gang in pre-war Brighton. He's a nasty piece of work and a run-in with a journalist causes big problems for a naive waitress named Rose. This 1948 adaption of Graham Green's celebrated novel is still a tense, nerve wracking and affecting watch 71 years later. A baby faced Richard Attenborough does wonderful work in the lead role.

Hondo   Mon   17/6   Film4 @ 15.10

While scouting across Apache territory, a soldier called Hondo Lane discovers a mother and son living there oblivious to the danger around them. He decides to hang around for a while. A very enjoyable John Wayne film here that's far more fun than his more famous John Ford collaborations. It hasn't aged well in places but it's a grand film for a rainy afternoon. Geraldine Page adds a touch of class to proceedings.

Badlands   Wed   19/6   TCM @ 23.10

In the heartlands of the United States, a young couple go on a crime spree that brings them to national attention. The first film from Terence Malick is a classic slice of Americana and one that is still being homaged over 40 years later. A dreamy, beautiful but stark and brutal film. Sissy Spacek and Martin Sheen are both amazing and this is the film that paved the way to stardom for him.

Street Kings   Thur   20/6   Syfy @ 21.00

An undercover cop, struggling with a tragedy, finds himself caught up in a deep and dark web of lies, corruption and murder on the mean streets of Los Angeles. This James Ellroy scripted thriller is lighter than his usual fare but it's still an entertainingly vicious watch. Keanu Reeves does his usual thing & is buoyed up by an immense supporting cast that includes Chris Evans, Forrest Whittaker, Hugh Laurie & Terry Crews among others.

The Fountain   Fri   21/6   Syfy @ 21.00

A film about love and life set in 3 time periods spanning 900 years. Starring Hugh Jackman in 2 different roles. Yes, Jackman has done films other than Wolverine. He is really good in this as is Rachel Weisz, the love of his life who he will do anything for. It sounds a bit bizarre this this is absorbing, unique stuff that will draw you in and best of all, it's only 95 minutes long. You can't bate a nice short film.

Papillon   Fri   21/6   BBC2 @ 23.05

A seasoned criminal wrongly accused of murder finds himself on a supposedly inescapable island prison and sets out to get his life back. Will he find the resolve to deal with life on the island while planning his escape? Steve McQueen is on fire in this harsh, grim but thoroughly exciting film. It's a long one but the time flies by and Dustin Hoffman is as usual, tremendous in a supporting role as McQueen's fellow convict.