Passing time in Covid times

Took part in an online film quiz this evening. 2 of us on the team. 50 questions in 50 minutes. We took part in a trial run last weekend and we won so confidence was high. The quiz was well hosted and the format was fun and we eventually finished joint 2nd with 40 out of 50. It was the most excited i've been about anything in 7 weeks.

Thats the kind of realisation that would make you want to go to bed for 72 hours straight isn't it.

Jesus.

Extraction

There's a moment early on in Extraction when a fella called Tyler Rake (no really) kills another fella by ramming the prongs of a rake through his face. If that's not nominative determinism hitting it's apex then I don't know what is.

Ovi Mahajan Jr (Rudhraksh Jaiswal) has just seen his best friend murdered in front of him. His trauma is magnified ten fold when he's then kidnapped and held for ransom by Amir Asif (Priyanshu Painyuli), Bangladesh's number one drug kingpin and all round nasty bit of stuff. Ovi's father, Ovi Sr, is India's biggest drug kingpin but currently in jail and can't afford the ransom so an Australian mercenary, Tyler Rake (Chris Hemsworth) is hired to get the boy back. Also on the hunt for the boy is Saju (Randeep Hooda), Ovi Sr's main man, who's worried about incurring the wrath of his employer. Rake and Saju are on a collision course for each other in the middle of the Bangladeshi capital Dhaka, a city about to be put into lockdown by Amir Asif.

One of the best things about Netflix is the fact it doesn't have to worry about box office takings. As such it doesn't really have to worry about alienating audiences either. Because Extraction is going to alienate audiences. It's an extremely violent movie, one which may horrify young Chris Hemsworth fans used to him bloodlessly batting away CGI bad buys with his magic hammer Mjolnir. He slashes, stabs, bludgeons and headshots his way across the city and the cumulative effect is a brutal watch that will see many viewers dropping away before the film even hits it's half way point.

Unless, like myself, you grew up on the wildly violent action movies of the 80's and 90's. Well then you're going to have a whale of a time. Director Sam Hargrave, stuntman and stunt co-ordinators for action heavy flicks like Atomic Blonde, Avengers Endgame, Captain America : Civil War and Jason Statham's The Mechanic has made the most of his first time in the director's chair and turned out a film Arnie or Sly would be proud to call their own. The film comes with all the stupidity you'd expect to see in those films too, the bad guys being terrible shots and the good guys soaking up bullets and knives and moving on with no hassle. One thing it has thankfully (kind of) avoided is the cultural insensitivity those films reveled in. Yes, the main good guy is a tortured caucasian hunk ™ but the film gives plenty of time and a little bit of depth to Saju as well. He might be a one man killing machine but at least he's given a reason for his actions and he's a way more interesting character than Rake who's most notable characteristic is his ridiculous name. Randeep Hooda, a big name in Indian cinema is one to keep an eye on. Like Tony Jaa in Ong Bak and Iko Uwais in The Raid, this could be the role that brings him to world wide attention.

Hemsworth can do this action stuff in his sleep and his physicality combined with Hargrave's skill with action gives us a couple of fantastically visceral moments. The first, an up close and personal smackdown in a cramped apartment is clearly modeled on the blisteringly violent action films coming out of South East Asia in the last decade and the second, an 11 minute long one take shot (not really, you can see the joins, but the effect is brilliant) of a car chase that turns into an apartment block massacre is the kind of stuff action film fans crave. Vicious, inventive, crunchy, the kind of film making that makes the Marvel movies Hargrave is known best for look painfully dull.

If you like your movies subtle and understated avoid this like the plague. If you crave a bloody boy's own adventure you'll enjoy this. You'll even get to see one of the highest paid actors in the world beat up a group of children. An oddly unique selling point!

16 films on TV this week for you. Yes, you.

The Big Short   Sat   25/4   RTE2 @ 21.05

Remember the financial crisis of 2007? Well here's the story of the men who contributed to it all starting told in 3 parallel tales. It's a humorous but maddening & frightening watch as we look at the beginning of a global disaster set in motion by a group of risk taking fools. Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Marisa Tomei, Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt all put in fine work in this blistering indictment of today's money men.

Love & Mercy   Sat   25/4   BBC2 @ 22.15

Brian Wilson, the brains and the heart behind 1960's supergroup The Beach Boys was the very definition of a troubled genius. This unique biopic is a look at his life in both the 1960's and the 1980's and the woman who could save him from the bad influences around him. Paul Dano (who I usually hate) & John Cusack both put in stunning performances as Wilson with Elizabeth Banks and Paul Giamatti offering good support.

A Film With Me In It   Sat   25/4   RTE1 @ 23.25

Mark is a waste of space. He doesn't care about anything and spends his time avoiding paying rent. Then a bad thing happens and trying to fix it makes it all even worse. Chaos ensues. Mark Doherty writes and stars in this very funny and pretty dark Irish comedy. This is a rare showing on TV and it's definitely worth catching. The always reliable Dylan Moran is fun in support and Amy Huberman and David O'Doherty hit the spot too.

Inferno   Sun   26/4   Film4 @ 01.35

A pair of siblings either side of the Atlantic ocean are affected by supernatural violence. The second film in Dario Argento's Three Mother's trilogy is an unsettling watch. It makes very little sense but it's brilliantly surreal, very atmospheric and downright beautiful in places. Irene Miracle and Leigh McCloskey are interesting leads and a nightmarish Central park set-piece will stay with you long after the film is over.

The Life and Death Of Colonel Blimp   Sun   BBC2 @ 12.00

Clive Candy has had hell of a life and we get to bear witness to how it all plays out from the Boer War to WW2 and meet all the people who shaped him along the way. This Powell and Pressburger film from 1943 is masterful and more than transcends it's original purpose as wartime propaganda. A warm, witty, upsetting and layered watch powered by super turns from Roger Livesey & Deborah Kerr times three. Yup (x) 3.

The Magnificent Seven   Sun   26/4   RTE1 @ 13.10

Time for a perfect Sunday afternoon watch. Calvera has been terrorising a small Mexican village for far too long and the people who live there are sick of him. So they decide to do something about it. This film is deadly. The story, the pacing, the action, the theme tune and a brilliant cast all come together to create a western classic. Charles Bronson, Yul Brynner, Eli Wallach, Steve McQueen and James Coburn do memorable work.

Hail, Caesar!   Sun   26/4   RTE2 @ 21.00

Hollywood, the 50's. Eddie Mannix is a studio problem solver and when the star of a big film goes missing he's the man tasked to sort it out. This Coen brothers 2016 comedy isn't their best but it is a diverting slice of hokum that will astound you with some of it's movie setpieces. The cast is second to none too. Josh Brolin, Scarlet Johannsen, George Clooney, Channing Tatum & Frances McDormand all add to the charm.

The Elephant Man   Sun   26/4   BBC1 @ 22.30

The story of John Merrick, a lovely & gentle man, despised by the society he grew up in because of the way he looked and Frederick Treves, the doctor who treated him like a human. David Lynch's justifiably lauded 1980 drama is a heartbreaking look at a life ruined by a birth defect. A terribly sad but strangely beautiful film. John Hurt in the lead role does career best work while Anthony Hopkins and Anne Bancroft excel in support.

Catch Me If You Can   Mon   27/4   TG4 @ 21.30

The story of Frank Abagnale, a teenager who conned his way around the world with a fake uniform and balls of brass. Leonardo DiCaprio is in great in the lead role and Tom Hanks is solid as always as the FBI agent tasked with catching him. Throw in Christopher Walken in superb form as Frank's Da as the icing on the cake  A sorely underrated film from Steven Spielberg that's extremely entertaining but with a dark cautionary edge.

God's Own Country   Mon   27/4   Film4 @ 23.05

Johnny Saxby despises his rural Yorkshire life and numbs himself with drink and anonymous sex. One day a Romanian farmhand named Gheorghe arrives and Johnny sees a chance for something new. This 2017 drama is a powerful watch, an earthy but very moving paean to love and taking chances. Josh O'Connor and Alec Secareanu both do phenomenal work while Ian Hart does wonders in support.

The Green Inferno   Wed   29/4   The Horror Channel @ 00.40

Justine has joined a group of student activists who travel to Peru to protest against Amazonian deforestation. On the way back their plane crashes and the jungle shows it's real side. This homage to the video nasties of the early 80's is delightfully gory fun. Of course your enjoyment of it all depends on how strong your stomach is because it's pretty disgusting in places. Lorenza Izzo does solid work in the lead.

Nothing Personal   Wed   29/4   TG4 @  23.55

Belfast. 1975. Kenny's a protestant. Liam is a catholic. They were childhood friends but sectarian hate tore them apart. Then Kenny's friend Ginger makes a move that really stirs the pot. This 1995 take on the troubles is a gruelling and violent film but a brace of stellar performances will keep you watching until the bitter end. James Frain, John Lynch and a remarkably scary Ian Hart lead a cast full of familiar faces.

Night Of The Living Dead   Thur   30/4   TCM @ 01.15

The dead have started to come back to life and their appetites have taken a turn for the cannibalistic. Barbara and Ben and a handful of survivors finds themselves trapped in a farmhouse and must fight to survive. The film that made George A.Romero famous is a rough and ready masterpiece layered with meaning and metaphor. It might be over 50 years old but it still has the ability to shock. Duane Jones & Judith O'Dea do first rate work.

Duck Soup   Fri   1/5   TCM @ 08.15

The republic of Freedonia is having money woes and to find a way out it appoints a new president. The neighbouring republic of Sylvania realises now it the time for a hostile takeover. This 1933 farce from the Marx Brothers is a joy. Hilarious, highly quotable and so influential that you'll recognise stuff from here even if you haven't seen it. Harpo, Groucho and Chico as always are priceless and for once even Zeppo gets in on the action.

Run Wild, Run Free   Fri   1/5   Film4  @ 12.45

Looking for a bit of nostalgia? Look no further than this story of a young boy who hasn't uttered a word in years and his adventures on the moors of Northern England and how the place and the people he meets helps him come out of himself. An affecting tale of trauma and redemption carried by a brace of fine performances from John Mill, Sylvia Sims, Gordon Jackson and Oliver! himself Mark Lester.

Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates   Fri   1/5   RTE2 @ 21.45

Mike & Dave are a pair of eejits who regularly mortify their family. With their sister's wedding coming up they're warned to cop themselves on but the dates they choose to accompany them have other ideas. The titular characters might be blokes but it's Aubrey Plaza's Tatiana who steals the show from Zac Efron and Adam Devine. She's a whirling dervish of a character who turns this into an amusing friday night watch.

Sea Fever

Sailors have always been a superstitious bunch. Words like pig, fox and salt are avoided in conversation onboard. Whistling isn't allowed as it sounds like the wind. Seeing a priest before sailing is to be avoided as Catholic beliefs tend to clash with the pagan gods that supposedly rule the water below. Having an omelette or a poached egg for breakfast is frowned upon as is letting a red haired woman onboard. The last superstition is mentioned more than once in Nessa Hardiman's new Atlantic set chiller. Is there any merit in these beliefs though.......

Siobhan's (Hermione Corfield) a student studying for her doctorate in marine biology and in order to pass her course, has to spend time aboard a fishing boat studying their catch, looking for patterns that seem different to the norm. She's not a people person and the thought of being out at sea, trapped in a tin can with strangers doesn't appeal but needs must and soon she's onboard the Niamh Cinn Oir heading westward. Leading the voyage is grizzled captain Gerard (Dougray Scott) and his wife Freya (Connie Nielsen with a bizarre accent that I hope isn't Irish), Syrian refugee Omid (Ardalan Esmaili) as the engineer and a motley crew of others all out to make their quota. As they head further out into the Atlantic things start getting strange and the lack of sleep starts taking its toll.

Sea Fever is a film that wears it's influences proudly on it's sleeve. Alien, The Abyss, The Thing, Jaws, Dead Calm, are all films that will come to mind while you watch this but thankfully it takes these influences and swirls them into something that works a treat. Director Hardiman's second full length feature is a rare beast, an Irish horror film that eschews humour and instead goes full tilt for the scares. Even without what lurks beneath the water it's an unsettling prospect. Floating in the middle of an ocean that could wipe you out in the blink of an eye, in a cramped boat full of people you don't know from Adam. Who on earth would enjoy that? Then add in something peculiar attached to the hull and some graphic ocular trauma and you have a film that will be a nightmarish watch for some. A off boat visit that brings to mind the old tale of the Marie Celeste is a particularly chilling scene as is the kitchen scene setpiece that will test the stomachs of anyone viewing.

Neasa Hardiman's background in TV directing helps nail the scares. Clearly shot and easy to follow despite the cramped and dark locations. There's none of that all too often used shaky cam here. All the horror is up close and personal leaving us,like the crew, with no place to hide. Even the daytime shots of the boat, filmed from overhead will fill you with unease. All that space, and still nowhere to run too. It's a sign of horror done well when even the day shots scare you. What's also appreciated is a script that doesn't need to fill in all the blanks. For years we've been told that only 5% of the world's oceans are unexplored so who knows what's out there. There might even be something scarier than what we see here.

As events onboard the Niamh Cinn Oir build to a climax we see plans involving UV light and disinfectant, we sense an air of paranoia and hear talk of infection. All this and a lead character who'd rather be off social distancing by herself give Sea Fever an exceedingly topical feel. This, the lean 95 minute running time and a fine showing from an excellent cast are all reasons to recommend this new Irish horror movie. Some may moan about the low-key ending but for me it fit perfectly with what came before. A haunting ending to a scary tale.

Out now to rent/buy on volta, itunes and amazon. It's well worth your time.

A perfect pairing of sound & vision. Hard Boiled - the nursery scene.

In 1992 John Woo made a film that finally made Hollywood stand up and take notice of him. The film was Hard Boiled. A cop vs triads tale set in Hong Kong with a body count of 300+. While not his masterpiece (that was and always will be The Killer) this was an insanely entertaining slice of nonsense filled with Woo's trademark action and dotted with quieter moments like the one below. Well.....John Woo's version of quiet anyway. Set during the climax of the film, supercop Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat) has snuck into a Triad ran hospital and before long all hell breaks loose. Separated from his partner Alan (Tony Leung Chiu-Wai) he fights through the hospital and ends up in a nursery with one weepy little baby left all alone.

   

Very considerate of him right. 

It's the juxaposition of gentle jewellery box music and bloody violence that makes this scene so memorable. A moment of calm in the storm. A scene that brings a much needed touch of humanity to a film full of brutality. Blood on a window, and then drool on a baba's chin. The look at Tequila, almost an admiring glance and then that lovely little smile at the end. It's such a perfect pairing of sound and vision that Woo ripped himself off (to much lesser effect) with the 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' scene in Face/Off 5 years later. Jason Statham's version in the Fast & Furious 8 was a fun homage too but none of them compare to this one.

I really want to watch this now.

Previous pairings

8 mile
Wheels On Meals
The Office (UK)
Do The Right Thing
Se7en
Mad Men
The Colour Of Money
Rules Of Attraction

Jackass II

Game Of Thrones 

Apocalypse Now

Blade

Big
Miller's Crossing

The Blues Brothers

Straight Outta Compton

The Princess Bride

American Honey

Snake In The Eagle's Shadow

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

The Untouchables

Airplane!

Dazed And Confused  

Kickboxer                                  

Grosse Point Blank

Mean Streets

Watership Down

Casablanca

Zodiac

Jackie Brown
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
Deliverance
The Omen
Copland
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The Mission

Before Sunset

Carlito's Way
A Knight's Tale
Platoon
Before Sunrise
Rushmore
An American Werewolf In London
Dazed And Confused
Boogie Nights
Raging Bull
Almost Famous
Once Upon A Time In The West
Goodfellas

Last Of The Mohicans

2020. A weird year for film fans

With the cinemas closed us film fans are champing at the bit for new movies. A couple of big releases like The Way Back and Vivarium got VOD releases but mostly the pickings are slim. Unless that is you're brave enough to delve into the DTV stuff that gets lashed out every week. DTV, direct to video, the films deemed not good enough for a cinema release, the films that couldn't be marketed to an audience, the films film studios are ashamed of. Every now and then you come across a gem but the vast majority of these releases are released that way for a reason. Because they are muck.

And oh my god have I watched a lot of muck lately. If you are one of the 4 people that follow this site you'll have noticed reviews have dried up lately. That's because everything I've seen in the past two weeks has been dreadful. Porno (which i actually reviewed like a fool), The Courier, Come To Daddy, The Postcard Killings, Ana. Films you mightn't have heard of an for good reason. Films released online under cover of Covid19. Films that will never be mentioned again. Films directors and actors will disown.

The good stuff is being held back understandably. VOD & DTV means easy piracy means feck all money. Some day they will see a cinema screen. Good jesus i hope it's soon. I know it won't and on the bigger scale of things its a very minor issue but a boy can dream sure.

When this is all over

What's the first thing you'll do?

I can't wait to just linger in a shop again. Take my time and browse. Not worry about people close to me or not hold my breath passing by people. I realised i've been doing this a lot.

I can't wait to hug my parents. It's been way too long since I've seen them.

The thought of sitting in a pub with a pint and a bag of tayto's has become the stuff of dreams.

The idea of going into a restaurant and having food handed to me is fantasy.

Going to the local shop and buying one thing and not feeling guilty about it.

Sleeping in a different bed.

Seeing friends and loved ones in real life and not pixellated on whatsapp.

Getting to lie in the grass.

Getting to drive somewhere and not face questions at garda checkpoints.

Buying toilet paper and not feeling like a hoarding survivalist.

Nothing big, nothing fancy. Just the everyday stuff we've all taken for granted all our lives.

Stuff that's going to feel amazing when this is all over.

Another unsung hero of TV and Film. M.C. Gainey

Imagine being an actor for 45 years and you're best remembered as the naked fella who chased Paul Giamatti down the street. That's the fate that befalls some of Hollywood's unsung heroes. It's not a bad thing to be remembered I suppose but c'mon, they all deserve better than that. M.C. (Michael Connor) Gainey does for definite. He's one of those faces that instantly lights up a film. A beast of a man with a brilliant 40 fags a day kind of laugh. He started in one of the most underrated films of the 70's and he's still pumping out TV and film appearances in 2020.

He's the man who landed a plane full of criminals and scumbags on the Las Vegas strip. He terrorised Kurt Russell in the New Mexico desert. Got the shit kicked out of him by a T-800. Played an ale loving priest/bastard in Beerfest. He's taken on Michael Knight,The A-Team, The Harts and TJ Hooker. Had a beer in Cheers and caused problems for the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air. He's been shot down by Raylan Givens, Hieronymous Bosch and Django Freeman. Turned up in the most gentle John Carpenter film of the 80's and a film called One Tough Bastard in the 90's.He's been sent to the big house by Matlock and beaten up by Nash Bridges, Briscoe County Jr and Fox Mulder. Hell he's even popped up in an episode of Glee. GLEE! He's done it all. All of it. Think of a genre and there's a good chance he'll appear in one of it's films. He's great. He's deserves more attention. Here's his 45 year long, 188 credit career

Greatest Hits

Con Air - Swamp Thing. Career criminal and pilot supreme. Gives the film it's impetus and gets the funniest scene.

Breakdown - Earl. A vicious, kidnapping scumbag. Plays the part to a chilling T. Gets a very satisfying comeuppance.

Lost - Tom Friendly. The spokesman of The Others. A handy fella to have around. Wears a fake beard well.

Django Unchained - Big John Brittle. The first slave owner to face the ire of Django. Dies well but covered in bible pages for some reason.

Previous heroes

Mare Winningham
Dale Dickey
Vondie Curtis-Hall
Harris Yulin
Pepe Serna
Udo Kier
Fairuza Balk
Ernie Hudson
Lin Shaye
James Remar
Cloris Leachman
James Hong
David Strathairn
Frankie Faison
Conchata Ferrell
Dick Miller
Veronica Cartwright
Edie McClurg
Barry Shabaka Henley           
Raymond Cruz                        
Reg E.Cathey                          
Elizabeth McGovern               
John Amos                              
Bruce Greenwood                  
Mary McDonnell                     
Gerald McSorley                       
John Rothman                        
Margo Martindale                   
Kurtwood Smith                     
Paula Malcolmson                 
Luis Guzman                          
David Morse                           
Linda Hunt                              
Keith David                             
Zeljko Ivanek
Fiona Shaw
Xander Berkeley
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa
C.C.H Pounder
William Forsythe
Beth Grant
Sven-Ole Thorsen
Regina King
Ric Young
Mark Rolston
Illeana Douglas
Jeanette Goldstein
Al Leong
Allan Graf
Bill Nunn
Thomas Rosales Jr

Gowls

Got a whatsapp message earlier from a friend asking how I was.

Replied back that I was stressed out by the whole thing.

Got told to stop moaning because everyone was in the same boat.

Replied with "Why did you ask so?"

Radio silence since.

Irish blokes, still cant deal with any response other than "ahh im grand shur." Always afraid to reveal any bit of themselves. You'd swear showing a bit of fear is making them a target or something. It's ok to be stressed by this. It's not the end of the world if you're worried. We all have family members who could come out of this badly, so it's perfectly normal to be scared. TBH if you aren't scared by all this you're a psychopath. Or a fucking liar.

Someday we'll grow up.

16 films on TV this week

Sideways   Sat   18/4   TG4 @ 22.00

Two men travel to California's wine country for a stag weekend. Jack, an actor out for one last fling & Miles, his best man, a wannabe writer with a ferocious thirst. Alexander Payne's comedy drama is wildly funny in places and desperately upsetting in others. A film about trying to hold on to the past & letting going of the past led by an immense turn from Paul Giamatti with great support from Sandra Oh, Virginia Madsen and Thomas Haden Church

The Conversation   Sat   18/4   BBC2 @ 23.00

Harry's a surveillance expert and he's got a new job. But the work is getting to him and his paranoia is at an all time high due to past events. Francis Ford Coppola's 1974 thriller is a stunner. A post Watergate classic seeped in the pervading atmosphere of a broken country. Gene Hackman's spectacular as a man coming apart at the seams and the late John Cazale as his partner is as always brilliant.

Soulsmith   Sat   18/4   RTE1 @ 23.40

A young writer named Ed is full of built up anger and his career has gone downhill rapidly. A family funeral forces him to head home and to confront the myriad ghosts of his past. It's a story that will ring a bell with a lot of young people who've moved far from home. There's plenty going on in this Irish film but it never feels rushed or clumsy due to solid writing and a fine performance from Matthew O'Brien.

Thelma   Sun   19/4   Film4 @ 00.55

A socially inexperienced young woman leaves the safety of her home for the first time and when trying to struggle with new found feelings discovers something rather unusual about the thoughts whizzing around her head. This 2017 Norwegian drama is a nice one to go into cold. Just let it's beauty and it's interesting story wash over you. Elli Harboe as Thelma and Kaya Wilkins both work perfectly together.

The Flag   Sun   19/4   RTE1 @ 21.30

When Harry finds out the flag his father raised in the 1916 rising now resides in a barracks in London he sets out to get it back and his naive friend Mouse comes along for the ride. A rip roaringly funny Irish film that, like the best Irish comedies, manages to be hilarious one minute and capable of making you cry the next. Pat Shortt, Moe Dunford, Ruth Bradley and Brian Gleeson all have a whale of a time here.

Northern Soul   Mon   20/4   Ch4 @ 01.25

It's grim up North but two young lads called Matt and John have found a way out. American soul music. Music that feels like it was written for them personally. Their passion for tunes brings them to the darker side of life. A bleak look at life in 1970's uk but one filled with charm,vim and some fantastic music. Josh Whitehouse and Elliot James Langridge do nice work as the leads of a film worth your time.

The Frighteners   Mon   20/4   The Horror Channel @ 21.00

Frank Banister has a unique supernatural skill and isn't above using it to con the innocent. Until true evil appears and Frank has to get serious. Peter Jackson's horror comedy is wild craic and is a hell of a lot more enjoyable than his big budget Hollywood work. Michael J.Fox has a wicked time as the lead in this imaginative and entertaining slice of New Zealand set fun that alternates nicely in true Jackson style between terror and humour.

Public Enemies   Mon   20/4   TG4 @ 21.30

The 1930's were not a good time for US banks when you had thieves like John Dillinger robbing them blind. FBI head honcho J. Edgar Hoover decided enough was enough and decided to terminate them all with extreme prejudice. This 2009 thriller from Michael Mann doesn't have many fans due to it's visual style but it's still an exciting watch packed with famous faces like Christian Bale, Stephen Graham and Johnny Depp.

Stranger Than Fiction   Tues   21/4   TCM @ 06.30

One day an auditor starts hearing voices in his head, voices that are narrating his every move, voices that seem to know how his story will end. The ending isn't going to be a happy one. This quirky comedy drama is a rare example of a Will Ferrell film that won't leave you filled with self lathing afterwards. A humorous and upsetting watch. Ferrell is far more subdued than normal and gets fine support from Maggie Gyllenhaal and Emma Thompson.

Tremors   Tues   21/4   The Horror Channel @ 21.00

Giant underground worms attack a small desert town and two handymen called Earl and Val lead the townsfolk as they fight back. This is so so much better than it sounds. An affectionate throwback to 1950's creature features that's hilarious, satisfyingly gooey and very inventive. Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward are the lead pair and have a whale of a time doing it. The ropey special effects all add to the charm.

Lore  Wed   22/4   Film4 @01.10

The war is nearly over. The allies are in Germany and advancing rapidly. A teenage girl and her siblings are on the run & while trying to survive she's coming to terms with her parents part in it all. As you can imagine this is a harsh watch but it's a look at history from a side we rarely see. A complicated and thought provoking film carried by a superb performance from Saskia Rosendahl. It's hard to credit this is her first film.

Ali  Thur   23/4   ITV4 @ 00.15

In 1964 Olympic gold medalist Cassius Clay set the boxing world on fire with his big personality and his even bigger talent. The film tells the story of the next decade of his life. Not a biopic in the true sense but this story about the man who became Muhammad Ali is a quality film that focuses more on the man than his sport. Will Smith is immense in the lead role and gets able back up from Jada Pinkett Smith and Jamie Foxx

The Way, Way Back   Thurs   23/4   CH4 @ 02.25

A shy young fella on a holiday he doesn't want to be on finds himself a job at a waterpark and slowly comes out of his shell over the course of a summer. A lovely little film, that came out of nowhere and became my favourite film of 2013. It's so enjoyable, a blend of comedy and drama that will make your day. Liam Jones rocks the lead and Sam Rockwell, Toni Collette and Maya Rudolph all offer first rate back up.

Heaven Knows, Mr Allison   Thurs   23/4   Film4 @ 11.00

1944. The Pacific Ocean. An American soldier and an Irish nun are stranded together on an island during World War 2. The island is a paradise and food is plentiful. Life is good until the enemy appears. A very pleasant lunchtime watch, amusing, thrilling and even a little bit romantic in places. Deborah Kerr and Robert Mitchum are a pair of effective leads and the chemistry between them is only mighty.

Denial   Fri   24/4   RTE2 @ 21.45

An American professor called Deborah Lipstadt faces an uphill battle when she's accused of defamation after she calls an opponent to her work a holocaust denier in her new book. This might sound like a dull and worthy Oscar bait but instead it's a gripping and timely look at the absurdities of legal systems and the people who twist them to their own ends. Rachel Weisz, Tom Wilkinson and Timothy Spall are all excellent.

Life Of Crime   Fri   24/4   BBC2 @ 23.20

Mickey's been kidnapped by two lowlifes intent on holding her to ransom. Unfortunately her scumbag millionaire husband has no intention of paying for her safe return. This is a lesser adaption of an Elmore Leonard story but there's still plenty of reason to watch it. Some solid laughs, a twisty narrative and a very decent showing from a cast that includes Jennifer Aniston, Yasiin Bey and the always watchable John Hawkes.

Blackbird. On it's way?

In 2018 Michael Flatley made a spy thriller. Michael Flatley. The Riverdance fella.

Then it disappeared.

No one has seen it. No one knows anyone who's seen it. No one knows what its about. Is it good? Is it terrible? Who knows. For 2 years we've been champing at the bit for this. The Lord Of The Dance himself is keeping schtum too. Is he embarrassed by it? Is he holding back releasing it to build up the excitement?? Eric Roberts AND Patrick Bergin??? Two well known actors.They must have seen something in the script?

Who knows.

But today I may have found a clue.

On filmratings.org, the site where MPAA film ratings are published, I found a lil' tidbit.

Blackbird. Rated R for language,some drug use and brief sexual material. Will we get to see the dancing man calling someone a motherfucker, then doing a few lines of blow before horsing himself into some willing participant?

Could this be the start of it's trip to our screens? Via Netflix or google movies maybe? Maybe even the big screen when all this madness blows over?

Here's hoping. We all need a laugh. C'mon Mick. Release it. Use the earnings to buy yourself another rhino horn.

I want that hour back

Almost 4 years later I'm still pissed off I went to see this piece of shit. I left after an hour of awfulness and I still want that time back. One of only 4 I've ever walked out of. I hate walking out of a film because it feels like an insult to the people involved but good jesus this one was just shocking. The others were.....hmmm, lets see.....ah yes. The Matrix Revolutions, Stigmata and that Guy Ritchie/King Arthur atrocity from a few years back. In each case I gave the film an hour to see would it improve and each time I lost an hour to pure shite.

That said I miss the cinema so much now that I'd probably sit through all 4 of them back to back now.

Porno

"Guys... When we watched that movie, we unleashed a sex demon."

The lack of new cinema releases is driving us movie fans to resort to desperate measures. We're watching stuff we'd usually avoid like the plague. Not me mind, I still watch the same amount of drivel as I always have. But sometimes you watch something so bad that you realise it's time to start re-evaluating your viewing habits.

Porno was that watch for me.

All hell breaks loose in a small cinema in a Christian town when a confrontation with a hobo leads to the discovery of a walled off screening room and a mysterious film reel. These sex starved religious teens let their curiosity get the better of them and delve into a realm of satanic and erotic imagery, the likes of which they've never seen before. Then things get weird and bloody. Very bloody.

Porno's a dreadful film. An exceedingly boring mish mash of genres that takes 80 minutes of it's 100 minute running time to get going before petering out into nothingness and ending in a manner that will make you want to punch something. It takes an intriguing idea, people raised in a fundamentalist environment getting their first exposure to sex in a pretty shocking manner, and then does nothing with it apart from use it as an excuse to gross us out with shots of mashed genitalia. Yup, mashed genitalia, there's a lot of that going on here. Between that and the film's oddly unquestioned negative stance on homosexuality you're left with the feeling that director Keola Racela is using this film to deal with his own issues. It's 1992 setting feels pointless too. We get mention of Encino Man (released as California Man this side of the world) and A League Of Their Own as 2 films screening in the cinema and that's it. The fact that America is still full of religious extremism makes the throwback setting totally unnecessary.

That aside the film hits every beat you'd expect from a bad horror movie. Characters you don't care about wandering off into the darkness by themselves looking for other characters who've done the same, all of them breaking the number 1 rule of a scary movie. Crappy jumps scares you can see coming from a mile away and most annoyingly of all it's a film that doesn't have the guts to stick to it's guns. Come the end, everyone is let off so easy you'll wonder what was the point of it all. It's a strange ending that sees one of the heroes walking down the street happily unimpeded by the fact that his scrotum exploded only moments before. Yeah...

One effectively icky moment of practical gore and a fun turn from Robbie Tann as the burned out film projectionist Heavy Metal Jeff aside this is dreadful stuff. If you are craving horror in a cinema setting go for Lamberto Bava's 1985 masterpiece Demon's instead. Now that's a genuinely good time at the movies.

Better Call Saul

It took a while.

Season 5, episode 9 to be exact but it finally happened.

I realised I prefer Better Call Saul to the show it spun off from, Breaking Bad.

It's immense stuff. Funny, inventive, nerve wrackingly tense. The kind of show you look forward to all week. Releasing one episode a week was a great move. It gives us time to think about what we've just seen, to digest it, to care about people in it.

That last reason is why I love it so. Breaking Bad was great but it was hard to care about anyone in it bar Jesse. Here, you give a fuck about everyone. Well most of them anyway. Kim Wexler has just entered the pantheon of all time great TV characters. Mike Ehrmantraut is the baddest motherfucker ever to grace a TV screen. Even blokes like Nacho Varga and Lalo Salamanca, two guys who'd be paper thin caricatures in other shows excel here, Nacho especially. Then there's Saul/Jimmy. We know where he's heading but we still don't know how he got there. He's still human here, life hasn't broken him yet. We're all dreading the event that turns him fully to the darkside while craving closure on his story too.

I've a feeling this show will break our hearts with the road our characters are heading down and then break them again when it finishes next year. I'm afraid but I can't wait.

Anyone else gone cracked yet?

Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five once said "Don't push me, 'cause I'm close to the edge."

I finally understand it.

The boredom is septic. Anything that can be done is done, anything that can be cleaned is shining, anywhere in our 2km zone that can be walked is walked. I've fixed shit that wasn't even broken. Cooked so many dinners they'll be in the freezer til 2023.

I'm this close to snapping and watching This Only Way is Essex. Or the Kardashians.

Somebody stop me please.

VFW

Imagine Hobo With A Shotgun met Assault On Precinct 13 and they had a child. Then that child grew into an adult weened on the movies of Jim Van Bebber and that run of 80's Italian flicks influenced by Escape From New York. That adult's name?  VFW. 

Viciously fuckin wild.

The barfly's of the Veterans of Foreign Wars bar are having a wicked one. It's Fred (Stephen Lang) the bartender's birthday and they're on a mission to get tanked up before they hit the local strip bar. These guys fought in 'Nam together and they're going to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk together. Unfortunately their life spans are about to be dramatically shortened when Lizard (Sierra McCormick), a young street girl,  seeks refuge in their bar after she's ripped off Boz (Travis Hammer), the drug dealer who coerced her sister into suicide. The men of the VFW find themselves back in action for one last time when Boz and his army of drugged up goons decide to raid the establishment looking for revenge.

First things first. Are you squeamish? If you are stop reading now. If you aren't and fancy a gloriously gory slice of madness then this is the film for you. Secondly, it all sounds very cliche and rather DTV doesn't it. A story told a million times before. Ya, maybe, but when it's this much fun who really cares. It's not like we're going to get to see many new films this year so we may as well enjoy the ones we've got. It's the cast that makes this one anyway. One consisting of character actors you may not be able to name but you'll recognise them instantly. Martin Kove from The Karate Kid, David Patrick Kelly from Commando, Stephen Lang from Tombstone, William Sadler from Die Hard 2, George Wendt from Cheers, Fred Williamson from Black Caesar and many more. Old craggy faces with a lifetime of cinema behind them. It's a good idea populating a cast like this, it creates instant audience empathy with the characters onscreen. You don't want to see these old timers get hurt, you wanna see them kick some fuckin' ass and kick some fuckin' ass they do indeed.

Well actually, they do a little more than that. Faces are axed, bodies are skewered, skulls are literally kicked into jam, heads explode, people are crushed, squashed, dismembered and destroyed in any way you can think of. And it's all done using practical effects, no silly cgi to take you out of the movie here, every squelch and splat is lovingly rendered. Fans of 80's action and horror will be in heaven. It sounds horrifying but it's all so knowing and silly that you can't possibly take it seriously. Unless, as mentioned early you're a squeamish one. There's not much plot here, there's no denying that but there's nods and asides to US foreign policy here, the treatment or lack thereof of war veterans, the opioid abuse rampant in the country. It's not dwelt on because that would get in the way of the carnage (of course) but it adds a tiny and welcome bit of depth to the gore.

It's a shoddy watch but jesus it's a fun one. It's low budget is evident but you just won't care. Seeing cranky old guys blitz their way through a faceless swarm is something that we've been enjoying for decades and it continues here in the sure hands of director Joe Begos. Between this and last years Bliss this young director has settled into a comfortable groove. 

VFW is out now on disc and on streaming platforms.