Formative viewing experiences - A western with my granny

Like a lot of Irish people my first introduction to Westerns was through a grandparent. In my case my Nana. We used to watch Bonanza, Rawhide, The Virginian and The High Chaparral religiously, usually after mass on a Sunday (see what I did there). They were great fun. Ben Cartwright and Big John Cannon taking care of business. Good guys, as pure as the driven snow. They faced problems that were solved in under an hour, usually with a hefty right hook. And when people needed to get shot they fell down dead, bloodlessly, after one bullet. It was all good clean innocent fun.

Then one night as a treat I was let stay up to watch a proper grown up Western. My parents were away. I was staying with me granny. My brother was upstairs conked out and I was up way past my bedtime. I knew me ma wouldn't like what I was about to watch. I was sworn to secrecy. Little did I know this was to be the start of my love for the Wild West.

I was giddy as hell. We broke out the Turkish Delight bars. The film started. The music was amazing. A tune I'd heard whistled in the playground in school but never knew where it came from. Now i did. The multi-coloured credits shot across the screen along with names of foreign actors i'd never recognise. Sound and vision were exotic as hell and matched each other perfectly. There were good guys who did bad things. Bad guys who showed mercy. Men jumping through hotel windows after gunning down bounty hunters. The man who shot that poor fella through his pillow. The man who saved another from being hanged by shooting a bullet through the rope tied around his neck. My jaw dropped. This was amazing. "That fella with the gun is Clint Eastwood" my granny said. "He's Rowdy from Rawhide."

30+ years later i remember one moment vividly. Tuco with a noose around his neck once again. Trying to balance on a gravestone knowing he'll hang if he falls. Blondie on a hill in the distance showing him mercy one last time by shooting him down. Even at a young age I knew i was seeing something special. Something I'd never seen before. And to be quite honest I've rarely seen anything like it since.

Big props to my Nana for letting me stay up that night. Now I'm going to remember her while watching this again.

Cinema withdrawals

2 weeks. 2 whole weeks. That last time i went 2 weeks without going to the cinema is.....well its that long ago that it's lost in the mists of time.

Yup, i know it's a first world problem and a pathetic one at that but everyone has that one hobby they love and this one is mine. I know I'm a sad bastard and I love it. This part of the summer always rots me because the big blockbusters are out and nothing new is released because what is the point? They'll make no money being in the shadow of the CGI behemoths so why bother. Us sun avoiding oddballs are the only ones that suffer!

I think i'm getting withdrawal symptoms. I'm missing those roasting leather chairs that have you boiled before the trailers even finish. I'm longing for the sound of my tackies sticking to the floors between the rows of seats. I've forgotten the glory of a freezing cold blue slushie. That buzz when the lights finally go down and the IFCO cert appears on screen is a distant memory. Jesus i'm even getting nostalgic for those godawful Entertainment.ie ads about forthcoming movies. When you find yourself missing that shite you know it's been way too long.

Hobbs & Shaw is out on Thursday and I can't wait. It's going to be hilarious and the place will be mobbed, something that usually kills me but this is one that's going to be brilliant with a crowd. The prospect has me grinning like a loon. Hook it in my veins!

The little bastard

I avoided it all summer.

I've been careful.

I've been fastidious.

I've washed my hands religiously.

I've avoided the places it hangs out.

I've used hand sanitiser.

The obsessiveness wasn't enough.

It's found me.

The little bastard has found me.

The common cold.

You viral fucker.

10 films worth watching on TV this week

Midnight Special   Sat   27/7   BBC2 @ 23.00

Alton is a different kind of boy and when his father sneaks him away from those who want to exploit him the U.S. government decides to get involved. Jeff Nichol's low-key sci-fi drama roadtrip movie is an interesting watch. It's not fully successful but it will keep you watching to the end. The cast though is magnificent with Michael Shannon, Adam Driver, Kirsten Dunst & Joel Edgerton all good in their parts.

Kubo and The Two Strings   Sun   28/7   RTE2 @ 11.45

Kubo is living a happy life in his village when a horror from the past sends him off on mission to follow in his father's footsteps. This 2016 animation is a little stunner that was sadly overlooked on it's initial release but if you give it a chance you'll love it. It's full to the brim with imagination, action and flat out beauty. Good voice acting from Ireland's own Art Parkinson and Charlize Theron adds to the joy.

The Third Man   Sun   28/7   BBC2 @ 12.40

Holly has arrived in Vienna to visit his friend Harry Lime but is soon dismayed to find out his friend is dead. Or is he? This 1949 classic still holds up brilliantly 70 years later with it's fantastically quotable dialogue, immense cinematography, memorable moments and an atmosphere that positively drips off the screen. Watch it. It's deadly. Joseph Cotton, Alida Valli  and Orson Welles are all on fire.

Money Monster   Sun   28/7   RTE1 @ 21.30

America comes to a standstill when the host and producer of a successful financial news show are taken hostage by a angry investor and the whole saga plays out live on air. Jodie Foster directs this thrilling and topical look at the unspoken after effects of financial crashes. Julia Roberts and George Clooney do well but Jack O'Connell steals the show as a man at the edge of his tether.

The Big Sleep   Mon   29/7   TCM @ 13.30

Private eye Philip Marlowe has been hired to deal with the youngest daughter of a rich family and he asks the help of the eldest daughter to do so. Things get complex. Do you like hard boiled dialogue, blistering chemistry and very intriguing plotlines? If so this is the film for you. A classic that truly lives up to the name. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall are brilliant as the leads.

Searching For Bobby Fischer   Mon   29/7   TG4 @ 21.30

Josh tries his hand at chess and his parents realise they have a potential prodigy on their hands. But Josh is a youngster who's not that interested in the success they have in mind. Chess ain't exactly known for it's excitement but this intelligent and humane drama will never bore you. Quite the opposite in fact. There's a fine cast too to keep you hooked. Ben Kingsley, Joan Allen & Laurence Fishburne all do well.

The Shallows   Tues   30/7   Film4 @ 21.00

While surfing by herself in a deserted Mexican cove, Nancy is attacked by a great white shark. Trapped on a tiny rocky outcrop she must use her wits to survive the encounter. Very entertaining stuff, scary, nerve wracking and of course spectacularly silly but Blake Lively as Nancy really sells the fear and eventually the inner strength needed to take on mother nature at her fiercest.

Big Night   Wed   31/7   TG4 @ 23.25

An ailing Italian restaurant run by two brothers gambles its entire future on one big blow out of a night to try and save the business. A lovely little film about passions, sticking to your guns and making your dreams come true that will entertain you and ensure you raid the fridge as soon as it's over. Stanley Tucci and Tony Shalhoub are on fire as the brothers and the chemistry between them is amazing.

The Diary Of A Teenage Girl   Fri   2/8   CH4 @ 01.00

In 1970's San Francisco a teenage girl called Minnie embarks on a voyage of discovery that could very well damage her relationship with her family forever. A superb coming of age film that may offend some with it's frank scenes but it's a rewarding and complex watch. Bel Powell as Minnie is marvellous and gets fine support from Kristin Wiig and a very sleazy Alexander Skarsgård.

The Butcher Boy   Fri   2/8   RTE2 @ 21.45

Francie Brady is a strange sort of boy. And strange boys aren't tolerated in 1960's Monaghan. Eamonn Owens is amazing in the lead role. It's a tour de force performance and amazingly it was his first film. A film that's by turns hilarious, grim as hell, black as night and just utterly compelling. Super supporting cast too full of well known faces. A film not everyone will like but really worth sticking with.

Veronica Mars S04 - What a comeback

"A long time ago, we used to be friends." So went the first line of the theme tune of Veronica Mars. It was the truth. I loved that show.  When it was cancelled in 2007 it was both a pain and to be quite honest a relief. A pain because we were saying goodbye to brilliant characters we'd grown to love over 3 years and a relief because the 3rd series was a shadow of it's former self. The show finished on a semi cliffhanger, one we assumed we'd never see resolved. It was annoying but what could you do?

12 years later Veronica Mars season 4, episode 8 is over. I want more now. I need more. If it doesn't come back for a new series I'm going to get quare grouchy. It was an almost perfect return to Neptune, California and a lovely chance to revisit some old buddies. Kristin Bell as Veronica, Enrico Colantoni as Keith Mars and Jason Dohring as Logan Echolls all slot back into their roles with ease.

Veronica is in her 30's now and a fully fledged private eye and she's still working with her father Keith in Mars Investigations. Her and Logan are a permanent thing and the strife of the past seems to have been forgotten. Keith is suffering from the after effects of a car crash (that happened during the not very good Veronica Mars film of 2014) and it's taking a toll on him physically and psychologically. Veronica's buddy Wallace is now a teacher and Eli Navarro is eeking out a living and trying & failing to stay on the straight and narrow.

As always Neptune is a city divided. The haves and the have nots. A city made up of movie stars and tech billionaires on one side and normal blue collar folk on the other. The summer influx of spring breakers has the place on edge. Rich privileged idiots who treat the place like a litter box and it's inhabitants like slaves. One place where they gather and party is the Sea Spray motel by the beach and a fatal incident there springs Veronica into action and into contact with some faces from her past.

This rocked. It's both a love letter to fans who stayed devoted and a substantial return to form in its own right. It feels organic. It feels like we never left. The complexities of female friendships and father daughter relations are to the forefront as always. The sunbleached Californian noir feel is back. So is the long form storytelling of Season 1 and 2. Everything is tied into the main story, everything happens for a reason and all subplots tie in. I watched all 8 hrs of this with the goofiest grin plastered across my mush. One by one the characters we all rooted for over a decade again appear and each one felt like a little hug. Tina Majorino who played Mac couldn't return for work reasons sadly but her aside all your faves show up, some very briefly mind but each one adds to the mix. It's a big ol' blast of nostalgia but crucially it isn't just nostalgia.

These aren't characters in a rose tinted stasis. Big things happen to them that will affect them all in the future. Some things you'll see coming from a mile away and others that will take you totally by surprise. It's good though. Life swings at you hard sometimes and this show is brave enough to acknowledge that. You laugh during this, you'll probably cry, you'll definitely chew on your knuckles because the stakes are bigger. People die. Violently. Decapitations! Who expected to see that in Veronica Mars? Away from the constraints of Network TV this show is darker, more profane, grittier, more mature, more sexual (fan fic writers will cream themselves during a couple of scenes) but it's done in a way that doesn't feel excessive and it's all the better for it.

Only being 8 episodes long meant some corners had to be cut. We don't get to spend enough time with the ones we want to. Dick Casablancas is basically a cameo role and Wallace & Eli don't get half enough to do but at the end of the day that show is all about Veronica and her Da Keith. The chemistry between them is still fantastic, all loving and caring and just perfect. Their relationship was always the core of the show and thankfully it gets as much time as always. They're people you want to spend time with and when they suffer so do you. Keith's storyline takes a nicely topical turn in this and it's a turn that helps drag this show into the present. Into *shudder* Donald Trump's America. An America where only the 1% do well. Other moments that try to "2019ise" the show don't work as well but they're mostly dialogue based and easily forgotten after a cringe or two. At it's heart though it's still the hard boiled drama it was when it started 15 years ago and it's such a pleasure to have it back.

Not everything is wrapped up by the end and instead of getting annoyed by that I'm choosing to believe that it's because we'll be getting a 5th season. We deserve a 5th season. We want to know what will happen our characters after the events depicted here. We want to know what will happen the intriguing new characters we've been introduced to. The ex Chino inmate/bagman Clyde Pickett (JK Simmons), Alonzo Lozano (Clifton Collins Jr, excellent) the cartel hitman who falls for the charms of Southern California and Matty Ross (Izabela Vidovic), a teenager who might just have what it takes to be the next member of Mars Investigations.

We just want more Veronica Mars. Because it's excellent TV.

Rutger Hauer. Rest In Peace.

Picture it. You're 12 years old. It's a friday night. You're parents have hit the hay and you've been left to your own devices. There's a film starting. Some chap is driving through the desert. It's the fella from Red Dawn. He picks up a hitch-hiker. Hmmm. You've heard your Da mention on numerous occasions never to pick up a hitch-hiker. You never knew why. 97 minutes later you know why. The film was The Hitcher and Rutger Hauer has just made a huge impression on your blown little mind.

The news of Rutger Hauer's passing emerged today. He was 75 and had died after a career spanning 50 years. Cinema will be a lot less interesting with him gone. He was an actor with an immense presence, one that brought a sense of foreboding and doom to every role he ever played, even his heroic ones. He was just so interesting and so different and intense. The sinister accent, the shock of blonde hair. Even if he was just sitting there you couldn't take your eyes away as he gave off the weirdest vibe and I mean that in the best possible way. In a landscape of musclebound 80's heroes he was a different kettle of fish altogether. His was a face you were always pleased to see appear onscreen. He meant that no matter how bad the film got it would at least have one memorable performance.

Interesting film choices made him one to keep an eye on. Roy the android who died so beautifully in Blade Runner. The slightly unhinged wildlife conservationalist of A Breed Apart, the sightless samurai of Blind Fury, the "hero" of Flesh & Blood, the big bad of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (the movie). Even his conventional action fare like Surviving The Game, Split Second and Wanted : Dead Or Alive was raised out of the DTV mire by his arresting performances. He should have been huge but for some reason Hollywood never used him properly. Was it the hard to pronounce name? The accent? The lack of a Schwarzeneggar-esque physique at a time when it was en vogue. Those Guinness ads?  Who knows? Probably all those reasons together but it never stopped him. Even when his career took a downturn in the 90's he kept going and it was immensely pleasing to see him pop up in the 1-2 punch of Sin City and Batman Begins in 2005. His career never hit those heights again but he never seemed to be too far away, always turning up regularly in films and TV

I've two vivid film memories involving him. One was me and friends trying to work up the courage to rent out one of his early films, a Paul Verhoeven (his most frequent collaborator) directed film called Turkish Delight that had been packaged as an "erotic movie". When we finally got to watch it we were sorely disappointed by our first introduction to European art house cinema but it clued us into a whole other world of movies he'd made before he hit America. The other I've mentioned earlier. The Hitcher. A film about a bad guy for the ages. The diner scene. The fingers. The constant smirk.The shotgun. Poor Jennifer Jason Leigh tied between 2 lorries. A movie that would scar itself into your retina's. Made so memorable by Mr Hauer.

Now to misquote a great actor who will be sorely missed. I hope those memories aren't lost like tears in rain.

Hollow Point

"Women in Refrigerators" is a term coined by Gail Simone in 1999 in response to yet another comic book storyline where the male hero's love interest is killed off (killed and stuffed in a fridge this time) early in a story to motivate him into action. It's one of the most overused tropes in storytelling. It's lazy, it's offensive and it's boring. It happened 5 minutes into Hollow Point and it's sets the tone for the rest of this bag of piss of a movie.

A woman and her daughter are murdered while taking a shortcut across the barrios of Los Angeles and a grieving husband by the name of Nolan Cooray wants revenge. It ends badly for him and in the aftermath he stumbles across a group of vigilantes led by Hank Carmac, lawyer by day, justice seeker by night. Nolan and Hank team up to wash the scum from the streets of the City Of Angels.

Hollow Point is atrocious. Right wing reactionary piss. Don't watch it. I did. I'm an idiot. I'll watch any auld toss but I felt bad about myself after this. Bad in a "What am i doing?" kind of way. It's just awful. Reliable actors like Spike Lee's muse Roger Guenveur Smith, Bill Duke, Michael Pare and Jay Mohr (totally unrecognisable from his 90's heyday) appear on screen, mumble their lines, throw in a "motherfucker" or two and then disappear for vast swathes of screentime. Actors there solely for a paycheque will always make themselves known fast. The rest of the movie is polluted with soul destroyingly awful turns from Luke Goss (yup, Bros) who's still trying and failing to be an action star ever since Blade II gave him a taste for it and a despicable Dijan Jay who's awfulness I can't put into words. Imagine an actor who could make Jean Claude Van Damme seem like Al Pacino and you're close.

Chad and Evan Law, brothers and co-writers are to blame for this puddle of putrescence. They've taken a revenge story that's been done a million times before and somehow banjaxed it. None of it makes sense, it's illogical as hell. Character motivations change like a Limerick breeze and are constantly contradictory. Nolan, early in the film, is out for revenge and shoots up a party full of bad guys. Later on he pleads with his new found vigilante chums not to do the same only to turn around, moments later, and torture a bad guy for information, that he then feels bad about using. Hollow Point is a constant stream of this nonsense. You can feel the writers striving for depth but all they find is the shitty silt at the bottom.

At it's most basic level it doesn't even work as an action flick. It's horribly shot, clunkily choreographed, riddled with godawful cheapo cgi squibs and blood and terribly paced. That horrible muted blue grey colour palette so beloved of DTV film makers gets a run out too. I can't get my head around who thinks it looks good. It's horrible and would leave you bored long before you realise the story is draining the life out of your veins. It's a 90's throwback but it consists of the worst parts of 90's action. All it's missing is a slow motion shot of our "heroes" running from an explosion. Oh and a mullet. I kind of wish there was a mullet in here tbh. At least it would give us something to laugh at.

Hollow Point is garbage. Don't be a fool like me. Save your precious time for something better like stepping on a piece of lego in your bare feet. A far more enjoyable experience. UGH.

Cinema before the internet.

1995. I was 16 and going with my father to the cinema in Tullamore to see Se7en. I'd heard it was fantastic but knew little else about it. Yer man from The Shawshank Redemption was in it and yer man with the hair from Legends Of The Fall was in it too. We sat down, the lights dropped, I was happy out when I recognised Nine Inch Nails playing the song over the opening credits.

Cut to 2 hrs later.

We stumbled out into the foyer, about 100 of us. I felt like I'd been kicked in the head and the balls. Jesus, that was amazing, horrific, crazy but amazing. Me Da was rattled, "Ronan, what the fuck did you just drag me to see?" I was buzzing.

Imagine Se7en these days. Not a hope would that ending remain unspoiled. I can just imagine the trailer for it and the taglines. "An amazing twist ending" "The ending will blow your mind" etc etc. And Kevin Spacey's sudden appearance 3/4's of the way into the film, well there isn't a hope that would have been a surprise. Some dope would have ruined it. So many people and reviews feel the need to tell us there's a surprise twist in a film. Just telling us that is a spoiler even if you don't divulge the details. Knowing there's a twist ruins it's effectiveness because we are sitting there waiting for it to happen.

Case in point. 2000. The early(ish) days of the internet. The Sixth Sense is out. Internet bulletin boards (remember those) are awash with buzz. Talks of a mega twist abound. We went to see it and from the start I couldn't enjoy it. I was sitting there wondering what it would be. And then maybe 20 minutes into the film during an oddly one sided dinner conversation I copped it. I was sickened. If i hadn't heard about the twist I'd have never copped it. I was jealous as the gasps and screams of realisation rattled around the auditorium.

If bulletin boards and film forums were bad, then twitter and facebook are many magnitudes worse. Imagine if twitter had been around for some of the classic twists of cinema.

Certain old films are spoiled below. See if you know them all?

"Rosebud was his sled #moneycantbuyeverything #wtf "

"He was Keyser Soze. I can't even...... I'm offended by his pretend limp"

"Costner was a sleeper agent all along?????" #brainmelted

"Why is the Statue of Liberty on the planet of the apes........oh sweet jesus"

"Her sister is .... her daughter too!!"

"He's dressed as his mammy!!! Where's his fuckin mammy so??"

"Nah, he has to be lying. He can't be Luke's Da! Darth bullshitter more like."

"I can't believe Walken pulled the trigger." #madfucker

"Jaysus, i thought Jacob's Ladder was a film about DIY. Not this!"

"So it was Tom Doniphon that shot Liberty. Janey mac. Gwan John Wayne"

Each and every one of these would have been destroyed had social media existed. People just can't help themselves. A good twist turns people silly and they lose any bit of sense they have. And it happens online everyday. Every film and TV show with a surprise is neutered. It's a pity.

But at least we got the classics above unscathed. That's something.

The great Wire rewatch of 2019

You know those evenings when you just can't find anything to watch. You start stuff but it doesn't grab you or you've just spent an hour scrolling through netflix to no avail. Then you move to your shelf. You start to scan your film collection, your TV boxsets. Nothing is catching your eye. Noth......... then you see it. The show that you know will hit the spot.

But no, you've seen it too many times. It offers nothing new to you. There's so much new stuff you could watch instead, if only you could find it. It's 60 hrs you'll never get back if you start......but now it's calling to you. You take it down off the self. You think to yourself "Don't fuckin do it. If you start you won't stop." Then the box is opened. Disc 1 is out and then in the player. The title screen pops up. You press play.

AND you're watching The Wire again.

It's been around 5 years since I last watched it. It's like seeing an old buddy again after an age. It's comfort food for the eyes. The main story all comes back to me fast but one of the joys of this show is in the small details, the stuff you forgot all about, the supporting characters that had long since departed your head. The Snotboogie story that opens the show. Herc and Carver trying to move the desk. The injoke pairing of Polk and Mahone. It's almost like watching it afresh except this time you know you're going to love it. You don't have the trouble you had the first time, the confusion of trying to follow it's labyrinthine storyline or remember who's who in it's massive cast.

It's one of those rare shows that rewards repeated viewing. Seemingly silly plot points and convoluted storylines make perfect sense on another viewing. Character choices become more understandable and character traits become recognisable. When you know what's going to happen you can just relax and let it wash over you instead and taxing your brain trying to understand what's happening. The Baltimore slang is second nature now and you aren't sitting there wondering "what the fuck is a G-pack?" or what a hopper is or why stash houses are necessary.

Plus you get to see your faves again. The Bunk and his dodgy ethics. Omar and his strict moral code. Kima and her no nonsense ways. McNulty the fuckin eejit. Wallace, ahh poor doomed Wallace. His scenes are especially hard to watch when you know what his future holds but it's fun watching a baby faced Michael B. Jordan lighting up the screen. Ahhh it's just so good. One of the few perfect shows. OK, the last season isn't the best but as a whole it's a phenomenal achievement. Dozens of shades of grey. Good guys you hate. Scumbags you end up caring about. A show that's as complex and layered as it's possible to be yet one that's exceedingly entertaining at the same time. It never feels like a chore. It's just brilliant.

Now to watch it til my eyes bleed. Hello Baltimore, hello low rises, hello Inner Harbour, hello Pennsylvania & Gold, hello Orlando's Gentlemen's club. It's good to be back.

12 films worth watching this week on TV

Trainspotting 2   Sat   20/7   CH4 @ 21.30

The aging process, ill health and an audicious prison break bring a group of men from Edinburgh back into each other's lives after 20 years apart. Renton, Begbie, Spud and Sickboy are back in this surprisingly entertaining sequel to the 1996 classic. A blend of hilarity, genuine upset and wistful nostalgia. Ewan McGregor & Robert Carlyle are solid but Ewan Bremner as Spud owns this show.

I, Daniel Blake   Sat   20/7   RTE2 @ 21.45

After a health scare issue prevents him from working, Daniel finds himself tied up in the red tape of the UK benefits system. A system designed to rip the humanity away from a person. Ken Loach's 2016 drama is a maddening, upsetting & nightmarish watch but one filled with humour and a deep humanity too. A horribly believable watch. Dave Johns & Hayley Squires are excellent.

Philomena   Sat   20/7   BBC2 @ 22.20

A woman searching for her long lost son hires a journalist to help to her take on the might of the catholic church who forced her as a teen to give up her child. A heartbreaking true story about corruption and motherly love with an immense performance from Judi Dench in the title role. An upsetting, angry and poignant watch that still finds time for a touch of some much needed comedy.

An Everlasting Piece   Sun   21/7   RTE1 @ 01.10

 A thoroughly amusing oddity from Northern Ireland about 2 chaps, Colm and George, from opposite sides of the fence who realise that getting together for a bit of business is far more preferable than waging war of each other. It's not often you see a congenial film set during the troubles and its well worth watching. Brian F O'Byrne leads a nice cast of familiar Irish faces.

Spotlight   Sun   21/7   BBC2 @ 22.45

In 2001 an investigative team of journalists from the Boston Globe newspaper began to investigate catholic church sex abuse cover ups. What they discovered shocked America. Tom McCarthy's 2015 stunning and rage inducing drama is a tough watch but it's one worth sticking with. The outstanding cast includes Rachel McAdams, Mark Ruffalo, Liev Schreiber and Michael Keaton who all nail their parts.

The Lion In Winter   Mon   22/7   TCM @ 13.30

England. The 12th century. Henry II is coming to the end of his reign. His 3 sons are in the line of succession but his choice is clashing with that of his wife Queen Eleanor. A witty and complex script filled with all manner of backstabbing and shnakery plus pitch perfect performances from Peter O'Toole & Katherine Hepburn turn this into a very enjoyable history lesson .

Mistress America   Tues   23/7   Film4 @ 23.20

Tracy, a student new to the New York city way of life is feeling the misery of loneliness but a new family member rapidly makes her existence into a very exciting one. A film about the problems of the middle class written and directed by Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach might be an anathema to some but some stick with it and it's joie de vivre will get under your skin. Lola Kirke is a pleasure to watch.

Secretary   Wed   24/7   Film4 @ 01.00

A fragile woman called Lee takes a new job. Mr Grey is her boss. Their quirks make them fit together well and their working relationship sees big changes in both of them. This 2002 comedy drama is just fantastic. A lot darker and more challenging than your usual Hollywood love stories and better for it. Maggie Gyllenhal and James Spader are both brilliant in their roles.

Handsome Devil   Wed   24/7   RTE1 @ 21.35

Ned sticks out like a sore thumb at his new school due to his lack of interest in sports and it isn't until he gets a new room-mate that things start going right for him. John Butler's coming of age film is a lovely watch, heartbreaking in places and funny in others. A fine Irish cast brings it all together too, with Moe Dunford, Andrew Scott, Fionn O'Shea and others all putting in a splendid shift.

Outpost   Wed   24/7   The Horror Channel @ 22.45

A ragtag group of mercs hired to explore a WW2 bunker in a war ravaged country find themselves dying in horrific ways when they disturb the denizens of the dark. The always reliable Ray Stevenson has great craic in this creepily atmospheric bit of fluff. You'll have fun during it but you'll have it all forgotten then next day. The ideal movie to watch after a dose of beer.

Hobo With A Shotgun   Thur   25/7   Syfy @ 23.00

A homeless man turns up to a new city and within moments realises it's a venal cesspit filled with the worst of humanity. He decides to clean things up with his 20 gauge death bringer. If you are any way squeamish or easily offended I beg you to avoid this like the plague. But if you like your comedy pitch black and with a side order of gore then this is for you. Rutger Hauer in the lead just rocks.

Drug War   Fri   26/7   Film4 @ 01.05

After an accident a drug lord called Timmy Choi is captured by the police and given a choice. Work with them or die. He chooses the smart option. But he's a criminal at heart. Johnnie To's 2012 thriller is a smart and exciting one with plenty of substance to go along with it's style. There's not much groundbreaking here but it's very well done and Louis Koo does well as Choi.

Spiders are bastards

The 6pm news was a joy today. Not only are there false widow spiders in Ireland but they are biting people too. This is not good. Spiders are filth. 8 legged scumbags from hell.

I remember the day vividly. Me and my brother were watching TV and we noticed a spider climbing up the living room wall behind the TV. I was 7 or 8 and an idiot so we went over for a look. It was a big hairy yoke and we were both repulsed and curious. I got closer to take a proper look and it JUMPED ONTO MY ARM.

That was it. That's all it took for arachnophobia to have me in it's grip. I hate them. I freeze when i see them. Anything bigger than a stamp and i flee the room in terror. At least outside you can walk away but when they intrude into your home it's something different. It feels like they can sense our fear and they love it. The hairy little hoors.

Years ago when i was in college i went up to visit friends in Galway for rag week. We had a heavy night out and the next day went for a stroll around town. We went into a pet shop on Quay street and there I came face to face with a Tarantula. It was in a glass cage but i still belted out of the shop at the speed of sound and stood trembling outside Tigh Neachtains. 21 years ago I can still feel the mix of terror crossed with the gut wrenching misery of a Guinness & Supermacs hangover.

I know phobias are stupid and a spider phobia is an especially stupid one to have as there are no dangerous spiders in Ireland. Until now. Now the bastards are not only invading our spaces but they're attacking us too.

This will not do. This will not do at all. I need to come up with a plan of action.

*googles cheap flamethrower*

The Dead Don't Die

"Why does that song sound familiar?"

"Because it's the theme song."

2 cops are driving around a zombie infested town making smug meta jokes. 10 minutes into The Dead Don't Die and the cringe starts. It doesn't stop. I hated this film.

Cliff (Bill Murray) and Ronnie (Adam Driver) are cops in the small town of Centerville. They've noticed something odd is going on. Chickens are going missing. Cows are legging it into the woods. News reports are talking about polar fracking and how it's knocked the Earth's poles askew. The Moon is looking strange in the sky. "Hipster" red shirts from the big city are rolling into town. Disembowelled waitresses are popping up. A weird Scottish samurai / undertaker (Tilda Swinton) is knocking around. Centerville has gone bad.

The above paragraph paints a very entertaining picture of The Dead Don't Die. The above paragraph is actually better than The Dead Don't die. There's nothing here we haven't seen a million times before. Even for a Jim Jarmusch film this is exceptionally dull. If his name and the cache attached to it weren't on the poster no one would care about this one bit. It would be just another zombie flick in an exceptionally overstuffed field. Jarmusch's other sojourns into genre film at least had a reason for being. The extreme grit of Dead Man, Ghost Dog : The Way Of The Samurai and it's clash of cultures and the sheer coolness of Only Lovers Left Alive. Here we get painful humour, action that looked old hat in The Walking Dead a decade ago, plot twists from nowhere and a whole dose of "LOOK WHO IT IS!!" cameos. The Iggy Pop cameo works though, i'll say that. Zombie Iggy and normal Iggy are more or less interchangable.

Tom Waits as a forest dwelling homeless chap called Hermit Bob acts as a kind of one man greek chorus to proceedings. Jarmusch uses him as mouthpiece for his thoughts on modern day society and thinks he's being clever about it but just ends up riffing on ideas George A. Romero perfected in 1978's Dawn Of The Dead. Bringing that masterpiece to mind was never a good idea and only ends up showing this up for the fluff it is. We all know capitalism and technology has turned us into the walking dead. There's no need to beat us over the head with it but if you are going to do it at least make it entertaining. The best horror movies were always a state of the world address as well as everything else. This isn't one of those.

The Dead Don't Die is a horror comedy that's neither scary enough, gory enough or funny enough to be memorable. There's humour in here that wouldn't feel out of place in an episode of The Last Of The Summer Wine and the odd decision to replace zombie innards with black dust robs us of the vicarious thrills provided by the blood and guts of other less squeamish undead movies. I don't know about you but when I go to a horror like this I want bodily chunks flying and black humour splashing around. Here we get punchlines repeated into the ground and Rosie Perez playing a news reporter called Posey Juarez. No seriously.

A great cast can't save this at all. Danny Glover and Caleb Landry Jones look embarrassed. Carol Kane is totally wasted. Bill Murray looks like he'd prefer to be dead. Chloe Sevigny at least tries as the only person in the town with a realistic reaction to what's going on and Adam Driver gets the best line of dialogue in the whole film. One that describes the whole thing perfectly in 2 small words.

"Oh yuck."

The Dig

The land. We've an odd relationship with it. We see it as a living, mystical thing. We believe it controls us and our destiny. We need to own it. Road frontage is still a thing in 2019. It's tied into our self worth. We don't want to share and it turns us into selfish eejits. Some of our best stories, books, films and poems are about it. Our history lies beneath it. Plenty of other things lie beneath it too. Darkness, secrets, the stuff that will scar ya.

Ronan Callahan (Moe Dunford) has come home after 15 years away. The homestead is a wreck. His family is gone. He's a man alone in the world. Sean McKenna (Lorcan Cranitch) is trespassing on his land. He's looking for something beneath the turf of the Callahan bog. His life has been devoted to it since Ronan went away. No one is happy to see the long gone man return and a fiery confrontation is inevitable.

If last year's Black 47 was Ireland's first real western then The Dig is it's second. It drips with the trappings of the genre. Whiskey shots, barroom confrontations, lonely ranges surrounded by desolate barren countryside, simmering violence, lawmen who bend the rules, land disagreements, a wordless homage to a certain Paul Thomas Anderson film and pure rage. It's a bleakly beautiful watch but it definitely won't be for everyone. Like the westerns of old it's a slowburn affair that may test the patience of some but as the backstory of the characters onscreen is filled in piece by piece you'll find yourself gripped by a haunting tale of obsession and loss and the damage caused by not being able to let go.

There's a cast of four (Francis Magee & Emily Taafee round it out, both doing fine work) but it's really a two hander about Ronan and Sean. Two fellas torn to bits by their actions. Men at each others throats who realise they both have a common purpose. Dunford and Cranitch are excellent, a pair of brooding bastards, neither with much to live for who have have found something to cling to. Watching them going at their work will wither you. The damp, the cold, the bleeding blisters. You'll feel every bit of their misery. It's like John B.Keane met John Ford and they had a angry little baba, a little ball of Irish rage, one that will bring to mind horror stories from The Troubles especially.

And because of that it's almost too grim. Even the colour palette will bring you down. The climate onscreen here makes Angela's Ashes look like it was set in Majorca. A streak of that black comedy we do so well would have made it all a little bit more palatable but we get no respite as the story unfolds in ways I did not see coming. The ending is OTT but it doesn't come from nowhere and it will make you look back on what you've already seen from a fresh point of view. This is writer Stuart Drennan's 2nd film and directors Ryan and Andy Tohill's debut feature and it all feels very accomplished. It's a movie that taps into our unique psyche. That slow to forgive, quick to anger core most of us are afflicted with. It must be all that turf smoke.

The Dig is really worth a watch. Annoyingly it bypassed the vast majority of Irish cinemas but it's now available to stream on https://www.volta.ie/. I just wish distributors would take more of a chance with Irish films in cinemas though. There's an audience for them if people get the opportunity to go. We love our aul bit of misery.

Annabelle Comes Home

In 1968 Annabelle came home. She was a demonic doll with the ability to be a conduit for evil spirits who was found and taken by real life demonologists Ed (Patrick Wilson) & Lorraine Warren (Vera Farmiga) to their home where she could be stored correctly. Religious rituals were held and the doll was placed behind consecrated glass. The world was now safe from her dangers. Until the teenager, Mary Ellen, (Madison Iseman) hired to babysit their daughter Judy (McKenna Grace) enters the picture along with her silly friends.

The latest installment in The Conjuring universe is very much a stopgap. It's a film that will have little effect on the main franchise (you know Judy is going to her get own spin off) going forward and it feels like a cheap and silly way to keep the franchise fresh in people's minds until The Conjuring 3 inevitably appears someday. It's a nothing film, a feature length episode of Scooby Doo that comes with it's own pesky kids. It's pure fluff that you'll struggle to remember in 2 days time. It has retroactively made both the last Annabelle film and The Nun look like solid movies and not the pieces of shit they were on release.

It's cheap looking, it's dull and it manages to hit every single haunted house cliche directly in the face. It's like writer/director Gary Dauberman was given a checklist of horror tropes and he managed to squeeze 'em all in. Jump scares that solely consist of loud noises, characters wandering off by themselves and most annoyingly, characters spotting all manner of spookiness but for some strange reasons deciding to keep it to themselves? Who would do that?? Why would you do that?? You're in a house owned by people who deal with the supernatural ffs, it's not like this stuff is a secret! People live to talk. All lot of problems in movie land would be instantly solved if folks just just use their words. I know it's not the most cinematic idea but jesus it would save a lot of frustration.

Worst of all it leaves it's best assets offscreen for about 75% of the movie. Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson have always been the saving grace of the Conjuring movies. Their portrayal of the real life couple has always been the best aspect of the series. Him, funny but strong, her maternal but fierce. When they are onscreen is when the film is at its best. Because we've been with them on their crusade against evil since 2013 we'd want to feel involved but here we have to side with 2 new teenagers and a daughter played by a different actress (McKenna Grace) than before. It's a tough ask to care about any of it.

Then annoyingly, the film does start to get a bit entertaining in it's last 30 minutes or so. All the evil unleashed in the Warren household is unleashed and a dippy new beau (his cover of a Bread song is a film highlight) gets involved. Here we get a couple of laughs, and a bit of creepy imagery courtesy of weird 70's game boxes and of a demon called The Ferryman and the coins kept in his eyes glinting in the darkness but it just isn't half enough. These are scares we should have been getting 30 minutes earlier instead of having to sit through a load of prancing around in the dark and guff about psychic televisions. It all feels very cynical too when you release that the 3 or 4 new entities unleashed are all seeds being planted for future installments. For a franchise that has 3 spin-offs already it's kind of taking the piss.

Don't bother with this. You'll miss nothing. It's multiplex horror at it's broadest. If you've a scary itch needing to be scratched go see Midsommar instead.

11 films for you on TV this week

The Field   Sat   13/7   RTE1 @ 21.20

A field in 1960's Connemara becomes the catalyst for murder and heartbreak in this film version of the famous John B. Keane play. It's immensely powerful stuff and a look into the dark heart of Irish country life and our ties to the land. Richard Harris gives a career best performance as the Bull McCabe, a one man force of nature and gets cracking support from Brenda Fricker, John Hurt and a very fresh faced Sean Bean.

Nothing Personal   Sat   13/7   TG4 @ 21.25

Belfast. 1975. Kenny's a protestant. Liam is a catholic. They were childhood friends but sectarian hate tore them apart. Then Kenny's friend Ginger really stirs the pot. This 1995 take on the troubles is a gruelling and violent film but excellent performances will keep you watching. James Frain, John Lynch and a superb Ian Hart lead a cast full of familiar faces.

The Bleeder   Sat   13/7   BBC1 @ 23.45

The story of Chuck Wepner, the New Jersey journeyman boxer who's once in a lifetime fight with Muhammad Ali inspired a little known actor by the name of Sylvester Stallone to make Rocky. You've seen this all before but an absolutely charming showing from Liev Schreiber makes it worthwhile. Elisabeth Moss, Michael Rapaport and Ron Perlman add to the fun.

Iris   Sun   14/7   BBC2 @ 01.30

Iris and John met and fell in love as students in Oxford and we get to bear witness to their relationship and her career as a best selling writer. Then cruel nature intervened. A fine film about the extreme highs and lows of life and one that's filled with superlative performances from some of Britain's best including Judy Dench, Kate Winslet, Jim Broadbent and Hugh Bonneville.

Jane Got A Gun   Mon   15/7   CH4 @ 00.15

When her husband finds trouble with a gang of outlaws, a woman has no choice but to ask an old fiance for help. Things get bloody. Much was made of this film's troubled genesis but it's actually a exciting western and better than it deserved to be. A lot of this is down to Natalie Portman's committed lead performance and a stellar supporting cast including Ewan McGregor and Joel Edgerton.

The Hitman's Bodyguard   Mon   15/7   RTE2 @ 21.00

Michael Bryce is a bodyguard shamed by a past failure who gets a chance at redemption when called on to protect a witness who'll be testifying in a high profile trial. There will be blood. A violently entertaining watch packed with plenty of action and giggles. Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds work well together. Don't go into this expecting anything approaching realism.

Nico, 1988   Mon   15/7   Film4 @ 23.25

Christa Päffgen a.k.a Nico was a German singer best known for her work with The Velvet Underground. She was a problematic woman who led a troubled life and this is the story of the last year of her life. A tough and upsetting watch but one carried along by a graceful & in places mesmerising performance from Trine Dyrholm as the titular singer. 

The Hole   Tues   16/7   The Horror Channel @ 21.00

Four teenagers from a well to do private school in England finds themselves trapped in an old World War Two bunker and it isn't long before things go sideways. A dark, grimy and eventually brutal psychological thriller that has a hint of The Lord Of The Flies around it. Thora Birch is the lead, and iffy accent aside makes a good job of it. Keira Knightley and Laurence Fox are solid in support.

Mountain   Thur   18/7   BBC4 @ 01.35

A breathakingly beautiful documentary about the mountain peaks that pierce the sky around the world and the human need to conquer them. Willem Dafoe's narration and gorgeous music playing out over some seriously vertigo inducing footage makes for a gripping combination. A topical watch after all the recent Mount Everest idiocy.

Get Carter   Thur   18/7   ITV4 @ 23.40

Jack Carter isn't a man to be messed with and when he travels north to investigate his brother's death in Newcastle you know things aren't going to end well. A masterpiece. Edgy, darkly funny, brutally violent and packed to the brim with dialogue you'll recognise even if you haven't seen the film before. Michael Caine is brilliant in the lead role & the supporting cast is full of recognisable faces.

The Molly Maguires   Fri   19/7   TG4 @ 21.40

The Irish workers of a Pennsylvanian Coal mine decide 1876 is the year when they will put a stop the dangerous conditions they are expected to toil under. Things don't go well for them. An aauthentic feeling, well crafted and splendidly acted piece about an era of Irish immigrant history that's criminally overlooked. Richard Harris & Sean Connery do great work as men on either side of the same coin.

The Intruder

I went to see The Intruder today. On the way in I tripped and hit my head and woke up in 1991. Chesney Hawkes played over the speakers as we waited for trailers from The Commitments and Ski School to play. Then The Intruder came on. It was grand until I realised the year was actually 2019 and this film was nothing more than a reshuffling of better films we'd watched and enjoyed nearly 30 years previously.

Scott (Michae Ealy) and Annie Howard (Meagan Good) want to move to the countryside from San Francisco to raise their kids and give their relationship a bit of a kick in the pants. The house they settle on is an old beauty in the depths of Napa Valley. It's owner Charlie Peck is struggling to give it up though seeing as he's lived there all his life and all his family memories are tied up in it. But eventually he sells up and heads off and Scott & Annie settle into a more relaxed way of life. Until Charlie decides he's not ready to let go yet.

You go into a movie like this knowing exactly what to expect but hoping it will bring something new with it. Remixing the past just doesn't cut it these days. Cinema audiences are more sophisticated now, we expect more. We don't want the same aul soup reheated, we want cleverness and storylines we don't see coming and can't predict. The Intruder does exactly zero with it's premise. We get the same.jump scare 3 times, and each time it's exponentially less effective. Mere minutes into it we know exactly how it's going to go and who's going to bite the dust along the way. It's an annoying waste of talent and money and that's content to chug chug chug along before it *shocker!!* gets very silly at the end. The nod to The Shining will make your eyes roll right out of your head.

In the last few years there's been a resurgence in African American led horror. Superb films like Get Out and Us have spoiled us rotten and have left us wanting more. The trailer for this looked promising. A modern take on Home Invasion movies but from a different perspective this time. Black faces fighting back, protecting what's theirs. Old white men struggling to hold on to the past and lashing out violently when things change. It looked timely, a film for the age of Der Trumpf. But it wasn't to be. An entertainingly nasty turn from Dennis Quaid as Charlie aside it's a big ol' pile of nothing that cherry picks moments from better films like Pacific Heights and Unlawful Entry. There was an opportunity for a topical thriller here but nah, shoddy old jump scares are just easier. Fines actors like Michael Ealy and Meagan Good deserves better than this tame nonsense.

You won't miss anything by missing on this and if you do go you'll soon realise you've seen it all before. It's yet another bloodless PG-13 bland blend of superior movies. Keep your money in your pocket and wait for it to turn up on Netflix.

Midsommar

Whoa. Jesus. Fucking hell. 4 words that whooshed through my head as the credits rolled on Ari Aster's sophomore feature length offering 'Midsommar'. I really liked it but many others won't. But like it or loathe it, it's a film that will stay with you for a long long time. And you'll kind of want the Summer to be over too. It's disturbing stuff.

A brutal tragedy has broken Dani Ardor. Her grief isn't helped by her dying relationship with her boyfriend Christian. Christian is torn between helping her out and hanging with his friends who want him to go on a summer trip to Sweden. In an effort to feel closer to Dani he invites her along and to his surprise she joins him, Mark, Josh and Pelle on a holiday to Pelle's family commune in Northern Sweden. They arrive on the Summer solstice, a time of huge celebration. Midsommar is celebrated differently in this part of the world though.

Midsommar is 147 minutes long. It really doesn't need to be. Too many scenes go on way too long. Yet at the same time it feels like big parts of the story are missing. People seem far too worried about other people they've just met. Faces shown prominently in trailers and posters barely appear. Well known actors just disappear. The film has a disjointed feel as a result. Then there's the things that characters do that are so unbelievable your eyes will roll in your head. Hanging around a place after witnessing horrifying acts. Heading off alone, believing strangers, all the things your mammy warned you not to do are done. Midsommar is full of flaws and annoying plot points and then there's the fact that it all feels a bit too familiar. A certain UK masterpiece of the genre from 1973 really sticks out and how many times have we seen young yanks abroad being sliced and diced? Way too many times.

Yet for all of that, I really liked it. It's a full on ferocious horror movie with a very unique aesthetic. It's disgusting (jaw droppingly so in places), terrifying and insanely atmospheric. It delves into a culture rarely mined for scares and makes the most of what it finds. Swedes and their unique relationship with their country's wildlife, sacrificial runes, ritualistic artwork and ättestupa (i'll leave ye to find out what that is). Like Aster's first film Hereditary it runs with it's concept to the bitter end and never chickens out along the way. From it's traumatic opening scene to it's blistering close the sense of dread never once stops but it's most horrifying moments aren't the ones you'd expect. Two portrayals of grief, one unsupported and one very much supported are moments that will stick with you for an age after the credit's roll. Aster's a director who understands that true loss is far scarier than anything supernatural.

Midsommar is a rare horror movie that takes place almost entirely in bright blazing sunlight. There's nowhere to hide, no shadows for our characters to flee to and no darkness to hide the gory details of what we're watching. A lesser horror might use darkness to it's advantage but confident direction and storytelling let's us bear witness to everything. Everything. A rock solid cast helps too. Florence Pugh's Dani is a character you want to see survive to the end and Ireland's own Jack Reynor as Christian does emotionally distant very well. Watching their relationship crumble as the drama builds around them is nearly as tough to watch as the events that befall the others around them. Blood eagles huh? What a way to go.

Midsommar is a slog but it's a worthwhile one. You definitely won't seen anything else like it in the cinema this year. Two hints for prospective viewers btw, make sure you've a strong stomach and when there's artwork in the background of a scene, make sure you focus on it. It will all pay off.

The "meet cute" from The Rules Of Attraction. A perfect pairing of Sound & Vision

The Rules Of Attraction is a film about the rich and shameless students of Camden college, a fictional liberal arts college in New England. It was written by Brett Easton Ellis so as you can imagine it's full of venal seedy people who only look out for themselves. Except for Lara. Lara's lovely. Life hasn't ruined her. Yet. She's full of the joys of spring and she's loving life.

Sean Bateman (brother of Patrick, the nutter from Ellis's American Psycho) is a vile individual. An egotistical sleaze who only looks out for number one. He's slimy, he's filthy and he's working his way through the female population of Camden College.

One Saturday morning they meet to the sounds of Donovan's Colours and we get a perfect pairing of sound & vision.

Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair

In the morning, when we rise

In the morning, when we rise

That's the time, that's the time

I love the best

Blue's the colour of the sky-y

In the morning, when we rise

In the morning, when we rise

That's the time, that's the time

I love the best

Look at those words. So full of hope and optimism. Lyrics doubled for the split screen effect. Look at the smile on her face. Look at the smile on his face. Oh Lara. What a moment though. The split creating a distance between them and making us realise they couldn't be more different. Then the film brings them together. The sanguine music kicks off again. But you know it won't end well for her. And it doesn't. 

Previous pairings

Jackass II

Game Of Thrones 

Apocalypse Now

Blade

Big
Miller's Crossing

The Blues Brothers

Straight Outta Compton

The Princess Bride

American Honey

Snake In The Eagle's Shadow

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

The Untouchables

Airplane!

Dazed And Confused  

Kickboxer                                  

Grosse Point Blank

Mean Streets

Watership Down

Casablanca

Zodiac

Jackie Brown
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
Deliverance
The Omen
Copland
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The Mission

Before Sunset

Carlito's Way
A Knight's Tale
Platoon
Before Sunrise
Rushmore
An American Werewolf In London
Dazed And Confused
Boogie Nights
Raging Bull
Almost Famous
Once Upon A Time In The West
Goodfellas

Last Of The Mohicans