A drink for the fallen

So long Lyanna Mormont. We barely knew you but you went out like a fucking champ.

Spoilers

Who else dragged themselves out of bed at 6am so they could watch Game of Thrones before they left the house this morning? You? That's 1. You too, that's 2. You, you, you, 3,4,5,6,7,8......78. Ok There was a tonne of us going by the twitter updates popping up as the sun rose. It's bonkers ain't it, the fact that a mere tv show can be chosen over precious sleep.

But lately it's an annoying necessity. Social media has become a minefield of spoilers posted by selfish MUPPETS who don't give a fuck about ruining a show for others. After I watched (and loved ) episode 3 of series 8 I had a scroll around twitter to see what others thought of it. Within seconds I caught sight of 3 absolute doozie spoilers that would ruin any bit of suspense if you saw them before watching. Even more annoying was the fact that they came from people I didn't even follow because the latest twitter update has filled our timelines with accounts strange to us. We can see them because people we know are replying to them.

It's seemed especially bad in the last week with the place being riddled with GOT spoilers, Endgame spoilers and of course Line Of Duty spoilers. The only way to avoid them seems to be to watch the film/show as soon as it appears or to just avoid social media altogether. But then you have to avoid all media because newspapers and radio shows are just as bad. I know these huge spoilers sell copy and generate clicks but it would be nice to get some manner of grace period.

The internet is brilliant but this is a huge downside of it. The speed at which news gets to us. Imagine what would have been spoiled had it always been around or as ubiquitous as it is now. The return of Bobby Ewing in Dallas. The end of The Sixth Sense. The identity of the murderer in Psycho. The end of Friends. The "along the watchtower" scene from Battlestar Galactica. Who stole the whistle in Father Ted. Every episode of 24 when it was good. The climactic moment from The Empire Strikes Back. Keyser Soze. The Murder On The Orient Express. Planet Of The Apes. The Shawshank Redemption. So much stuff would have been ruined. And some much stuff is now being ruined.

Cop on. Don't do it. At least wait a few days.

Game Of Thrones S08 E01 - Winterfell

The army of Daenerys Targaryen has arrived at Winterfell to prepare for the battle against the army of the dead. The poor Unsullied & Dothraki must be frozen. Missandei and Greyworm are getting odd looks for the colour of their skin. Jon and Daenerys are leading the march and Jon warns her that northerners don't trust outsiders.

Arya is overjoyed to see her stepbrother (or so she thinks) Jon returning home but she'll find him later. They haven't seen each other in 7 years. Then she's awed when Daenerys' dragons fly overhead. The other citizens of Winterfell are terrified, including Sansa who's watching from the battlements. Arya spys Gendry too and raises an eyebrow.

In the courtyard Jon reunites with Bran but instantly realises he's a very different person to the boy he last saw. Sansa gets to meet Daenerys for the first time and is obvious she doesn't trust the blonde stranger in front of her. This isn't lost on Daenerys but then Bran crushes her by telling her that her dead dragon is now an undead ice dragon.

The Bannermen of the Starks are gathered in the great hall. Some are still to turn up such as the Glovers and the Karstarks. The leaders of the Northern families are pissed off with Jon too for leaving his post as King of the North and joining up with a Southern queen. Lil Lyanna Mormont says as much to Jon. She just doesn't give a shit.

Jon says he did what he did to protect the North and Tyrion backs him up. But the lords are disgusted to hear from a Lannister and even more annoyed by the idea of fighting with a Lannister army.

Sansa pipes up with sensible stuff like how on earth are they going to feed their people, the Wildlings, the Unsullied, the Dothraki, two dragons and now the Lannister army. She asks what do dragons eat anyway? Daenerys smug reply shows there's definitely no love lost between them.

All the dragonglass found at Dragonstone has been brought along too and Gendry is in charge of turning it all into weapons. Above it all Tyrion reunites with Sansa, who once was his wife. The last time they saw each other was as Joffrey was dying. She laughs at Tyrion's mention of the Lannister army. She knows well Cersei has played Tyrion for a fool.

Arya and Jon finally reunite. It's a great moment that shows she still has a bit of love in her heart for someone. As they embrace she reminds Jon that while he may fight with Daenerys, he should never forget who his family is. They compare swords too. Needle, that he gave her and his own Valyrian steel one. Both have shed a lot of blood over the years.

In King's Landing Qyburn informs Cersei that the wall has fallen and that the dead are coming. She's delighted as she's just hired the best mercenary army in the world, the Golden company, to clean up after the great war.

Euron Greyjoy's ships have brought the mercs here and aboard the lead ship Euron is holding Yara Greyjoy hostage. He won't kill her as he's using her as bait to draw out Theon. He doesn't harm her but he gloats about the success in his future to her, especially his "romantic" plans for Cersei.

As a thank you to him Cersei sleeps with him. She's disgusted with herself but she always keeps her promises. Euron's plans are falling into place. In the word of Westoros even the most powerful women are treated like whores.

Elsewhere in King's Landing Bronn is partaking in a little orgy *Gratuitous nudity klaxon* when he's interrupted by Qyburn. Cersei will forgive Bronn if he does a job for her. She wants him to kill Jaime and Tyrion. He's torn. His two oldest buddies. But he is a mercenary at heart. Hmmmmm.

While Euron is entertaining Cersei and promising to put a prince in her belly, Theon and a small gang of loyal Ironborn sneak onboard Euron's ship, kill the guards and rescue Yara. As a thank you Yara headbutts Theon for leaving her in the first place but she eventually leaves with him. That was way too easy.

Her plan is to sail to the Iron Island's, take them back and use them as a base of retreat for Daenerys if the great war is lost. Theon though has other plans. His heart is with the Stark's in Winterfell and he leaves with a small army to help out up there. Him and Yara part on peaceful terms.

More and more people arrive at Winterfell, including the Karstarks who once sided with Ramsay Bolton. Ser Davos tells Varys and Tyrion that it will take a lot for the Northerners to warm to Daenerys. Davos proposes that Jon and Daenerys should marry. This would help people trust her more.

Jon and his queen as very much in love now. She tells Jon she knows Sansa doesn't like her and makes a veiled threat towards her. Daenerys is being fierce arrogant here. She's not giving anyone any time to learn to trust her. I'm not a fan of this side of the Dragon Queen.

Then before Jon can think too much into that her and him go for a dragon flight. It's his first time flying atop a dragon and it is an excellent scene, pure exhilarating. From above we get a whole new view of the snowy North.

This is the show at it's most jawdropping. It's pure high fantasy. Two lovers exploring the world on the back of mythical beasts. Plus we get to see just how big the dragons really are. The two look like legomen on their backs. 

They land at a waterfall and Jon and Daenerys have a lil smooch. All under the watchful eye of her dragon Drogon. Her scaly children are very protective of her and poor Jon can't even enjoy his kiss. A very funny moment.

In the foundry Gendry has created a massive Dragonglass axe for the Hound. Despite it's quality the Hound still feels the need to have a dig at Gendry. It's just in his nature. Arya soon quietens him. They haven't seen each other since she left him to die after the battle with Brienne. You can tell he's happy to see her despite it all.

She's here for Gendry though. She always had a crush on him and now that she's 18 I think he might have a bit of a one on her too. She asks him to make her a dragonglass weapon too. She has no intention of hiding out when the dead arrive.

Jon and Sansa are still at odds with each other. She's pissed off he left and abandoned his crown. When that happened some families dropped away from them such as the Glover's, a family who promised to always stick by their side. For once Jon's right though. He needed to go South and get help. Sansa hasn't seen whats coming. He has and it's genuinely terrifying. Titles and crowns do not matter. The Game Of Thrones does not matter. 

Daenerys and Jorah go to meet Sam so she can thank him for saving Jorah's life. She promises him a reward and he asks for a pardon for stealing citadel books. Then she finds out his surname and realises she executed both his father and brother. Sam's heart breaks when he finds out. It's a horrible moment.

Outside an upset Sam meets Bran who informs him that they have to tell Jon that he's a Targaryen. Sam is his most trusted friend so the duty falls on him to tell Jon his whole life has been a lie. Obviously he's delighted with this duty.....

Jon is overjoyed to see his oldest friend. Sam asks him did he know what Daenerys did but Jon genuinely didn't know. In his grief he blurts out to Jon what him and Bran know. An awful lot of information pours out of him.

Jon's head explodes as he realises just how important he is, how Ned Stark wasn't his father, how he wasn't a bastard and....fuck....how he's been riding his aunt. Eek. Sam tells him he needs to be the one in charge. He's far more suited to the job than Daenerys and her...ehrm......spicy temperament. Jon Snow aka Aegon Targaryen is a torn fella.

A group of Night's watchmen led by Tormund (Woohoo he survived!) enter Castle Umber. Beric Dondarrion is there too. They discover a massacre. There's no one left alive. But they aren't the only ones there.

Thankfully it's another group of Night's watch led by Jon's friend Edd. Banding together they discover a ghastly sight. A pattern of severed limbs nailed to a wall with a dead young Lord Umber crucified in the middle. Only he's not dead. He's undead and screaming. He's set ablaze as Tormund realises just how near the undead are to Winterfell.

Meanwhile a hooded stranger arrives at Winterfell. It's Jaime Lannister after a long ride up from King's Landing. It's been a long time since he was here. As he dismounts he's pleased to have arrived but the first person he spots is Bran Stark.

Bran Stark, the boy who caught him doing the nasty with his sister and who he paralysed by throwing him from a tower. Bran being the Three Eyed Raven knows just who Jaime is and what's going through his mind. The smile rapidly fades from Jaime's face.

That was an excellent season opener. Worth waiting 2 years for. So many reunions. Jon and Bran. Arya and Jon. Arya and the Hound. Sansa and Tyrion. Jorah and Sam. Sam and Jon. Arya and Gendry. Loads of goodness. It's horrible too. We're getting reminded of how much we love them before the dead arrive and inevitably kill a fuckton of them. Waaahhh.

Next up - A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

Series 1 - 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Series 2 - 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Series 3 - 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Series 4 - 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Series 5 - 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Series 6 - 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Series 7 - 1  2  3  4  5  6  7

11 films worth watching on TV this week

Straight Outta Compton   Sat   27/4   RTE2 @ 21.10

N.W.A. were the most notorious rap group of the 1980's and this film charts their meteoric rise from the mean streets of Compton to their spectacular and egotistical fall. A big, brash, profane film that skips over a lot of the more troubling aspects of the group but still manages to be very entertaining. Great performances from Jason Mitchell, Corey Hawkins and O'Shea Jackson Jr ( as his Da Ice Cube) make it all work.

Paths Of Glory   Sat   27/4   BBC2 @ 22.50

The men of B-company refuse to make a suicidal run at a German hill during World War 1. Their general is embarrassed by his perceived failure and sets out to make someone pay. Stanley Kubrick's masterful anti war film is an enraging watch, one that shows the toll military life can have on humanity even when the fighting is over. Kirk Douglas as Colonel Dax has never been better while George Macready as General Mireau will make you despair.

Train To Busan   Sun   28/4   CH4 @ 01.00

A zombie apocalypse hits South Korea and a father and daughter find themselves fighting for their lives on a train out of Seoul. Yes it's another Zombie flick......no no come back......but seriously it's a brilliant watch. It's full of heart and for once you'll genuinely care about the characters being menaced. Plus it's really clever and the attack scenes are astounding. Yoo Gong & Su-an Kim as Dad and Daughter are aces.

Little Women   Sun   28/4   RTE2 @ 14.30

The story of 4 sisters and their mother and how they go about finding their path through life during the American civil war. This adaption of Louisa May Alcott's famous novel is a lovely watch, one that funny, upsetting and very humane. It might be set 150 years ago but plenty of it still blazes with topicality today. The cast is immense with Susan Sarandon, Winona Ryder, Claire Danes, Kirsten Dunst, Christian Bale & Gabriel Byrne all doing stellar work.

Captain Fantastic   Sun   28/4   BBC2 @ 22.00

Ben and his family have been away from the grid for a long time, living in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest. A tragedy forces him and his 6 kids back into civilisation and everyone struggles to adapt. A different kind of family film but a warm and absorbing one driven by a couple of wonderful performances from George Mackay and Viggo Mortenson as a well meaning father who you'll want to kick.

Anomalisa   Mon   29/4   Film4 @ 23.00

A man on a business trip meets an unusual stranger who slowly begins to pull him out of the humdrum existence he's found himself traps in. Charlie Kaufman's stop motion animation is definitely the most unique film you'll see this week. It's pace means it won't be for everyone but stick with it for a rewarding experience. Jennifer Jason Leigh and David Thewlis both pour their souls into their work here. 

Little Miss Sunshine   Mon   29/4   TG4 @ 21.30

A delight of a film about a troubled family driving across America so their daughter can take part in one of those godawfully creepy American child beauty pageants. There's a lovely cast in this with the adorable Abigail Breslin in the lead and Toni Collette on fire as her mother. Both Alan Arkin (superb fun) & Steve Carell (playing very much against type) steal the film though. You'll laugh and cry at this one.

The Fog   Tues   30/4   The Horror Channel @ 00.50

Director John Carpenter is on mighty form in this genuinely spooky and scary tale of ghostly pirates taking their revenge on a seaside town that let them down many years before. This film has a lovely old fashioned feel as violence and gore is kept to a minimum and atmosphere and creepiness rules the roost. Horror legends Jamie Lee Curtis, Adrienne Barbeau, Janet Leigh and Tom Atkins are all good in this.

Jennifer's Body   Tues   30/4   Syfy @ 21.00

Jennifer and Needy have been friends forever but Needy starts to notice her friend is acting differently after they get caught up in a near disaster at a music venue. Diablo Cody's 2009 horror movie is film worth watching. It was ignored initially but it's depth and complex look at female friendships and the misogyny inherent in society rise it above usual genre fair. Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox both do fine work as the leads.

Pursuit   Thur   2/5   Virgin Media Two @ 21.00

Fionn has his sights set on Grainne but she is mad for Diarmuid, Fionn's buddy. This love triangle set in Ireland's gangland isn't going to be easily settled. Paul Mercier's thriller is a strange one, a modern story spun from tales of Celtic mysticism but it works well, if you get the myriad of references that is. Top notch acting from Ruth Bradley, Liam Cunningham and Barry Ward will always help though.

The Killing   Fri   3/5   Film4 @ 12.30

Johnny Clay is fresh out of prison and wants a payday. His plan, to rob a racetrack with the help of a handful of associates. The plan is exemplary. The people hired to carry it out are not. This slice of film noir from Stanley Kubrick is a masterpiece. Blackly funny, tense as hell, packed full of irony and brutality. 50's crime films really don't get better than this. Sterling Hayden, Elisha Cooke Jr, Coleen Gray and Marie Windsor are all in excellent form.

Avengers : Endgame

"Lets get this son of a bitch." Ugh, do lines of dialogue come anymore cliched? How many times have we heard this in movies? Hundreds? Thousands? It's a line that would make your eyes roll out of your head. But this time the man saying it is Steve Rogers aka Captain America. A true paragon of virtue. When he swears you know things are serious. It's a sign that he means business. And like Steve, Avengers : Endgame means business. This is it. 22 films over 11 years. The culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Was it worth the wait? Fuck yeah it was.

In the aftermath of Thanos and his finger snap, the universe is still struggling to deal with the loss of 50% of it's population. The Avengers are in disarray, having lost both family and friends. Some of them have learned to live with it, some of them are barely holding things together and some have given up completely. Then a freak occurrence gives the remaining members a glimmer of hope and they set out for one final go at fixing the horrors of the past.

This rocked. It lived up to the hype and expectation with ease. There were no cheap shortcuts or shitty out of the blue deus ex machina type explanations. Everything here felt earned from the beautiful little character moments liberally scattered throughout to the huge bells and whistles ending. You'll burst a gut laughing at times (Thor and Bruce Banner as always deliver the biggest laughs) and minutes later you'll have a pain in your throat from trying to suppress your sorrow. We've known and loved these characters for over a decade so it's horrible when bad things start to happen to them. Anyone who can call this a soulless blockbuster deserves a slap. It's full of heart. The characters within might be able to fly across the universe in the blink of an eye but they still grieve and feel loss and lash out and we feel all of it too. We care about them and this ramps up the tension throughout the the nth degree. I watched a large portion of the last 30 minutes of this through my fingers while the fella beside me unabashedly cried his eyes out.

It's 180 minutes long but never feels like it. Every part of it is packed with creamy goodness. The nods to long time fans (elevators and burgers), pay-off's to stories began years before, more cameos than you can shake a stick at and a constantly evolving and genuinely unpredictable plotline. Forget what you've seen in the trailers, you won't have a clue what's going to happen next. It zigs when you expect a zag and then floors you with an unexpected thump. With so much happening not every character gets their time to shine but I genuinely can't think of anything I'd have liked to have seen replaced. But best of all is it's back to basics approach in regards to the main cast. The original gang of Cappy, Iron Man, Natasha, Hawkeye, Thor and Bruce Banner are front and centre again and it's deadly fun to see them together again after the last few films saw fit to keep them apart. Feckin civil wars. They spark off each other brilliantly and show us why the first Avenger's film worked so well. (I don't like to talk about Age Of Ultron.)

The cast in this one is unsurprisingly packed with a ridiculous amount of talent but for me the standouts are Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Karen Gillan and Mark Ruffalo. Each has been damaged by the events of Infinity War and each has been dealing with it in their own way be it rage, acceptance, sorrow or beer & a game of Fortnite. Evans as Captain America carries the film on his shoulders though. He's always been the man, the one everyone looked up to, the "ass of America". In Infinity war it took an age for him to appear but here he's in it right from the beginning. He's the heart of the Avengers and seeing him follow through on his mission leads to, for me, the most deserved moment in the entire franchise. As for Mark Ruffalo, the less you know about his character Bruce the better. Let's just say his first appearance is an absolute joy and we'll leave it at that.

If you're a long time Marvel fan this is everything you dreamed it would be. Even if you aren't it's still a mindblowing achievement, all these moving pieces falling into place perfectly. It's blockbuster filmmaking at it's very best. A behemoth with a warm beating heart. I know it sounds like fawning but it's an immensely satisfying 3 hrs at the movies. Just remember to stay away from the large cokes. You don't want to miss a minute of it.

Ernie Hudson - Another unsung hero of Film & TV

Ernie Hudson never made it big and it's a pity. He was one quarter of the most recognisable work gang in 1980's movies but for some reason it's success never carried over to his career. It's a shame. He's one of those good all rounders who looks comfortable being either the tough guy, the comedian or just a plain ol' family man. Happily he's used that everyman skill to carve himself out a very comfortable career as a supporting artist in a 43 year long career consisting of well over 200 roles.

He's heckled Neil Diamond in an ill fated remake and fought off super intelligent gorillas in the Congo. He's been beaten down by the Hulk and beaten up by Chuck Norris. He's been known to throw crazy nannies out of windows to save lives. At different times he's been friends with Charles Ingalls, Arnold Jackson and Latka Gravas. He's had adventures in forbidden space zones and called up the A-Team for help. Been the cop that helped out a zombie looking for revenge and shared a prison island with a strangely gentle Lance Henriksen. He's been Michael Jordan's father and Sandra Bullock's boss. He's investigated Desperate Housewives and been in charge of some of the most violent criminals ever seen onscreen. He's genuinely never off the TV and as such has ended up far more recognisable than some of his co-stars in his biggest hits. Check out his career here.

Greatest Hits

Ghostbusters - Winston Zeddemore. The token Black guy in the gang. Happily used his relatively little screentime to create a character still remembered 35 years later.

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle - Solomon, the handyman with special needs who becomes the hero of the day after his life is nearly ruined by an evil Rebecca DeMornay.

The Crow - Sergeant Albrecht. The cop who investigates a double murder and then gets pulled into a dangerous game when the murdered man (Brandon Lee) rises from his grave to get revenge. 

The Basketball Diaries - Reggie. The man who's sets Jim Carroll on a path to recovery. A small but pivotal part in a very underrated movie.

Oz - Warden Leo Glynn. Probably his most famous role. A complex character who way too often let his emotions get the best of him. Played this part for 6 years.

Previous heroes

Lin Shaye
James Remar
Cloris Leachman
James Hong
David Strathairn
Frankie Faison
Conchata Ferrell
Dick Miller
Veronica Cartwright
Edie McClurg
Barry Shabaka Henley           
Raymond Cruz                        
Reg E.Cathey                          
Elizabeth McGovern               
John Amos                              
Bruce Greenwood                  
Mary McDonnell                     
Gerald McSorley                       
John Rothman                        
Margo Martindale                   
Kurtwood Smith                     
Paula Malcolmson                 
Luis Guzman                          
David Morse                           
Linda Hunt                              
Keith David                             
Zeljko Ivanek
Fiona Shaw
Xander Berkeley
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa
C.C.H Pounder
William Forsythe
Beth Grant
Sven-Ole Thorsen
Regina King
Ric Young
Mark Rolston
Illeana Douglas
Jeanette Goldstein
Al Leong
Allan Graf
Bill Nunn
Thomas Rosales Jr

Greta

Remember that glorious era at the tail end of the 80's and the start of the 90's when we got a raft of psycho dramas that played into our greatest fears, that our own homes, our sanctuary's weren't safe, that new friends were never exactly what they seemed. Stuff like The Hand That Rocked The Cradle, Pacific Heights, Unlawful Entry, Single White Female and so on. They were deadly weren't they. Film's that while ultimately ridiculous, really struck a nerve and are still fondly remembered nearly 30 years ago. Greta, from director Neil Jordan, will instantly remind you of that cinematic era. It's delivers all the fun of those films while dragging along the sillier parts too.

Frances (Chloë Grace Moretz) is a young woman trying to find her way in New York City after the death of her mother. She's living with her friend Erica (Maika Monroe) and working a waitressing job while she figures out what's next on her path. One day she finds a leather handbag on the subway ride home and being a kind soul decides to return it to it's owner, a lonely older French woman called Greta (Isabelle Huppert). What starts off as an innocent friendship soon descends into a hellish slice of obsession and terror.

This was a highly entertaining watch. Now it's not a fun one cos poor Frances has an awful time of it but a compelling and fast moving plot supported by two excellent performances means your attention will never stray from the screen. It's a story we've seen dozens of times over, especially back in the 90's, but it's really well done and wastes no time in getting right to the heart of proceedings.The word slow burn doesn't exist in Jordan's dojo, he knows we know what to expect from this story so he doesn't make us wait for things to go wrong.  And oh man do they go wrong. 

It starts with little things, too many phone calls, a touch of neediness, a flick through facebook and before you know it people are being chased and terrified in the very best tradition of the psychological thriller. It reaches a fever pitch of madness that will have you chewing the knuckles off yourself ............if you can get past a few very silly lapses in logic and one particular plot point that will leave your eyes rolling in your head. Like I mentioned earlier, it has both the good and the bad of those 90's classics but what might have been overlooked back them just doesn't stand up to the more savvy audiences of now. Luckily Isabelle Huppert puts in such a good shift most people won't care about the silliness.

She's so good. She's one of those actors who excels at whatever she tries. Your abiding memory of her role here will be her sitting alone in a high class restaurant wearing a pair of shades that make her look positively demonic as she demurely tries to rip a life apart while supping on a dry cabernet. She's having a whale of a time, whether she's dancing around a victim or doing mean things with chewing gum. I just love seeing performers of her calibre letting loose. Moretz does good work too, and here she puts all memory of her Hitgirl role from the Kick-Ass movies behind her with a compelling and believable performance as a young woman just trying to fill the mammy shaped hole in her life. Her role as the blonde haired heroine of the piece gives the film a bit of a Hitchcock feel that's only magnified by an appearance from Neil Jordan's buddy Stephen Rea as an Arbogast-like investigator who gets called in when things go bad.

It's been six years since Neil Jordan's last film (the superb Byzantium) and I hope we don't have to wait that long for his next. He always does well in genre work so hopefully his next will be along the same lines. But the main reason to see this is Isabelle Huppert who does unhinged so well. You won't be able to take your eyes off her. It's no coincidence her character's name is an anagram of what Huppert is. (Groan)

In cinemas now. 

The Summer is coming. Shit.

Oh i hate it. The heat. The mugginess. The general lack of air. The lying in bed trying not to evaporate. Us paddies are a cold people. We're built for winter. We aren't designed for the sun. We thrive in the shitty weather. We took over the world despite our climate. Anything over 20+ turns us sluggish. Over 25 and we start to moan. Near 30 and we....well we start to die. We're fair skinned. We burn fast. The sun gives you cancer yet people willingly sit out in it. Crazy. Gimme a lovely crisp day. Chilly, blue skies, the kind of day that motivates you to move. Perfection.

Dragged Across Concrete

Brett Ridgeman (Mel Gibson) and Anthony Lurasetti (Vince Vaughn) are two cops in the city of Bulwark who've been suspended due to their excessive policing methods. Ex-con Henry Johns (Tory Kittles) has just hit the streets and is looking for a way to make life better for his mother and little brother. In an attempt to make money, all three of them come into contact with a violent criminal called Vogelman and their fates between intertwined.

This had the ingredients for an enjoyably pulpy 90 minute long b-movie that might have acquired cult status as time passed but for some reason writer/director S. Craig Zahler spins proceedings out to a head numbing 160 minutes thus ensuring all good will vanishes out the window by the time it finishes. There's just not enough story here to justify a running time that long so we're treated to stake out scenes as boring as the real thing, real time eating, the troubled family life of a character who only exists to give the director's wife some work and numerous darkly lit (seriously, large portions of the film are genuinely hard to see) scenes of people talking really....re...all...y sl....owwww.....ly. It's maddening. It's, and yes I know this is a cardinal sin in a cinema, it's the kind of film that will make you want to look at your phone.

This combined with the casting of Mel Gibson will really piss a lot of people off. He suits the part of Ridgeman and his character's grumpiness earns a couple of chuckles but its quite hard to separate the film persona from the real one especially when racism rears it's head which makes for some uncomfortable viewing, especially in a troubling moment between him and his wife (Laurie Holden) as they discuss the state of their neighbourhood. It's a weird scene, one that MAGA viewers will jump on while the rest of us squirm. Vaughn as Lurasetti is pretty forgettable and sadly brings none of the presence he showed in Zahler's last movie, the blistering Brawl In Cell Block 99. Thankfully Tory Kittles as Johns brings a dash of much needed humour and heart to proceedings and the scenes he gets to share with Michael Jai White as his old buddy Biscuit are where the movie shines. He's the film's conscience. Without him it would just be too dark because one thing Zahler does well is darkness.

While there's nothing here as vicious as the gutting in Zahler's earlier movie Bone Tomahawk or the face drag from Brawl In Cellblock 99 there's a constant sense of menace and brutality that just worms it's way into you. The most violent scene in the film isn't even bloody actually, it's just two men making a suspect's girlfriend very uncomfortable. It's almost harrowing and Zahler drags it out as far as he can. He's not a director who'll help you relax and in places the film feels like an endurance test. Late in the film Jennifer Carpenter plays a woman, Kelly, who's introduced and you get the feeling the dynamic of the film is about to be changed but then something happens and you can almost sense the director snickering behind the camera. He's just played a joke on us and it ain't a nice one. It feels like the henchman backstory joke from the first Austin Powers film but all it does here is increase an already intolerable running time. Had she been introduced earlier and had her story running parallel to the others it might have added a bit of depth but she turns up too late in the day to matter. 

It's just another annoyance because as mentioned earlier there's the meat of a good 90's throwback thriller here. 3 men in a situation they don't want to be in, looking for a way out and some cash along the way. That outline and the film's unpredictable last 30 minutes could have made for something good but the excess of padding just knocks the wind out of it all. I've no idea who this film is aimed at. It's not a movie I can imagine anyone in their right mind enjoying. Zahler's refusal to kowtow to audience and story expectations is admirable I suppose but jesus it does not make for fun viewing.

In cinemas now. 

11 films worth watching this week

The Shallows   Sat   20/4   CH4 @ 21.00

While surfing by herself in a deserted Mexican cove, Nancy is attacked by a great white shark. Trapped on a tiny rocky outcrop she must use her wits to survive the encounter. Very entertaining stuff, scary, nerve wracking and of course spectacularly silly but Blake Lively as Nancy really sells the fear and eventually the inner strength needed to take on mother nature at her fiercest.

12 Years A Slave   Sat   20/4   RTE2 @ 21.10

he heartbreaking true story of a man torn from his family due to the slavery of the American south. Chiwetel Ejiofor is superb in the lead role and is ably supported by a fantastic cast. This is a very harsh film, as it should be, to soften it would feel like an insult but the brutality will put a lot of people off. But if you are able for it though it's a thoughtful & powerful film that will enrage you.

Bone Tomahawk   Sat   20/4   Film4 @ 23.35

A sheriff of a frontier town leads a posse of men into the desert to rescue townfolk who have been kidnapped. Quite what they have been kidnapped by is another matter. S. Craig Zahler's horror/western is a hell of a watch. But be warned, there's one scene of violence in here that will give you nightmares for weeks. The cast though is second to none. Kurt Russel, Richard Jenkins and Patrick Wilson are all in super form.

Harvey   Sun   21/4   TG4 @ 11.45

Elwood P. Dowd's best friend is a 2 metre tall rabbit called Harvey. He's the only one who can see it. Unsurprisingly his friends and family think he's gone insane. But that's far from the truth. Sort of. This 1950 comedy drama is a joy with an undercurrent of sadness. James Stewart is a fantastic lead in a whimsical, surreal, hilarious, bizarre, clever and very unusual story

Saving Mr Banks   Sun   21/4   BBC1 @ 15.40

P.L. Traver's, the author of Mary Poppins, is not happy about Walt Disney wanting to adapt her book to film and Walt himself must pull out all the stops to get her to agree. This "based on fact" film is a charming and funny watch that may surprise you in places with it's twists and turns. Emma Thompson, Tom Hanks and Colin Farrell are all in fine form in a film that will give you a new found appreciation of a Christmas fave.

The Finest Hours   Mon   22/4   BBC4 @ 22.00

A tanker gets ripped asunder during one of the most violent storms to ever hit the American eastern seaboard and 4 coast guards in a small boat set out into the night to do their best. Based on a true story of bravery this is a nailbiting watch even if you know the outcome. A committed cast including Chris Pine, Ben Foster and Eric Bana delivers. A solid piece of old fashioned entertainment.

The Book Thief   Wed   24/4   Film4 @ 18.25

Based on the novel of the same name this is the story of a young girl who finds solace in the written word to help herself and others deal with the horror's on the nazi regime in World War 2 Germany. A beautiful looking and well written film that while suitable for all the family isn't afraid to be dark in places. Appropriate given the story. Sophie Nelisse is good in the lead role and Geoffrey Rush as her uncle provides some much needed warmth.

Gambit   Thur   25/4   CH4 @ 01.55

Nicole is a dancer, Harry's a cat burglar, together this unlikely duo conspire to pull off a perfect robbery. Which of course goes arseways. This is a perfect example of a heist movie and a highly enjoyable one to boot. Hilarious, clever, thrilling stuff that's a perfect watch as your organs recover from Easter excess. Michael Caine and Shirley MacLaine are fabulous as partners in crime.

Carlito's Way   Thur   25/4   ITV4 @ 22.35

Carlito Brigante is out of jail and he's staying out. But for a man raised on the streets of Spanish Harlem that's a lot easer said than done. Brian De Palma's 1993 crime drama is a masterpiece, at once exciting, suspenseful, brutal and seeped in a sense of sadness about what could have been. Al Pacino is at the top of his game here and gets excellent back up from Luis Guzman, Penelope Ann Miller and a truly venal Sean Penn.

Robin And Marian   Fri   26/4   Film4 @ 13.05

A different but very enjoyable take on the legend of Robin Hood. Set a few decades after the original story, Robin has returned from the middle east crusade to renew his relationship with Maid Marian but things are just never easy are they. Sean Connery & Audrey Hepburn are great and lead a fantastic cast including Richard Harris. The aul romantics among ye will adore this film.

A Film With Me In It   Fri   26/4   RTE2 @ 23.45

Mark is a waste of space. He doesn't care about anything and spends his time avoiding paying rent. Then a bad thing happens and trying to fix it makes it all even worse. Chaos ensues. Mark Doherty writes and stars in this very funny and pretty dark Irish comedy. This is a rare showing on TV and it's definitely worth catching. The always entertaining Dylan Moran is fun in support and Amy Huberman and David O'Doherty hit the spot too.