At Mole's Town, near Castle Black Sansa meets up with Littlefinger (ugh). To say she's pissed off with him would be an understatement. He married her off to Ramsay Bolton, a marriage that nearly ruined her.
He lies and claims he had no idea Ramsay was a cunt. She doesn't believe him at all and Brienne standing at her side looks like she wants to cleave him in two. Sansa rubs Littlefingers face in the gory details of what Ramsay did to her. He's highly uncomfortable.
He tries to tell her that the Knights of The Vale are at her beck and call but she's too angry to care and rightly so. She tells him Jon Snow and her don't need him, they'll take back the North on their own terms.
As he leaves he tells her that her uncle, the Blackfish Tully, is back at Riverrun. He hasn't been seen since the Red Wedding and that he'd be a good person to have on her side. Sneaky Littlefinger, giving her a gift before he leaves.
At the House of black & white in Braavos, Arya has gotten excellent at fighting the Waif now that her eyesight has been restored. The Waif is still better though but Arya doesn't know how to back down.
Jaqen Hagar gives her more of the history of the faceless men telling her that they started as slaves and highborns like her don't usually fit in. One way she can fit in is to carry out a murder on Jaqen's orders. An actress called Lady Crane.
As part of her pre assassination recon Arya goes to see Lady Crane in a play. The play features the death of King Robert and Lady Crane as Cersei. Arya is dismayed to see her father Ned featuring in the play as a Northern buffoon.
She's even more hurt when the play shows a recreation of his execution. This is the second time she's seen her father die. A horrible scene. Rapidly she also finds out her Sister Sansa was married to Tyrion Lannister against her will.
She sneaks backstage to spy on the actress and soon enough she has an idea of how to kill her. She has a weakness for rum. Arya has the skills to sneak poison into that rum with no bother at all. She then tells Jaqen how she will carry out the murder but questions the why behind the murder. She's told to stop asking questions.
In the North Bran is still practicing his warging skills. He's in the past learning about the history of Westoros. Him and the Three Eyed Raven witness a group of mythical beings called the Children of the forest sacrificing a tied up man with a dagger made of dragon glass. This man then becomes the Night's King. Feck!
He finds out the Children of the Forest created the White Walkers to help them defend themselves against the first men thousands of years ago. An risky experiment that backfired massively on them and everyone else.
On the Iron Islands, Yara Greyjoy is taking part in a decision on the new ruler of the Islands. She has a solid claim to leadership being the daughter of the ex-king and Theon supports her. Euron Greyjoy, the brother of the king and the man who murdered him makes a claim too.
He has no shame about murdering his brother. He tells the gathered crowd he will marry Daenerys Targaryen because she hates the lords of Westoros too and their combined army will take over the world.
This sways the crowd and they begin to shout his name. He's the clear pick and now he's the new leader of The Ironborn. They have very very short memories on that island.
As he's baptised to become leader Yara, Theon and 1000's of those loyal to them steal the best ships of the Iron Fleet and escape before Euron can have them massacred. Smart move. Euron's first move is to start construction of a new super fleet. He's an imposing enemy but he's coming into the show very late in the day aint he?
Above Vaes Dothrak Daenerys is surveying her new kingdom with Daario and Jorah by her side. She has finally forgiven Jorah after banishing him twice. He decides to tell her about his greyscale infection. And he finally tells her he loves her.
She sends him away again. But this time there's a caveat. He has to go away, find a cure and then return to her. Excellent. Jorah's a great character. He should get more credit. Daenerys then leads her new army out of the city. I presume she's bringing them all back to Meereen. Unsullied + Dothraki. JESUS!
In Meereen Tyrion and Varys have noticed that the Sons Of The Harpy killings have dropped big time since they came to an agreement with masters of Astapor & Yunkai. It seems violence isn't always the answer. But they need someone to keep the peace until Daenerys returns.
Tyrion meets with a Red Priestess called Kinvara. She worships the Lord Of Light like Melisandre. She promises to preach about Daenerys to the people of Meereen and to tell them she is the chosen one of the Lord Of Light. Varys is sceptical of her but her knowledge of him, things she couldn't possibly know, changes his mind.
In the North Bran decides to do a bit of Warging without the Three Eyed Raven. Uh Oh. this won't end well. He needs someone supervising him or he'll stay in a vision too long and get trapped.
His warging brings him to the true North. While there he witnesses a terrifying sight. The Army of the dead. Hundreds of thousands of the bastards. Rotting zombies armed to the teeth and mad to kill. He passes through them unseen until...
He comes across the Night's King and his white walkers. The King's head turns in his dirrection. He can see Bran. How is this possible. The army of the dead can now see him too. The King grabs his arm and Bran is jolted out of his vision. The King's touch has left a scar on him too.
The Three Eyed Raven freaks out. By touching Bran the Night's King now knows where they are. They need to leave. But first Bran has to fulfil his destiny and become the Three Eyed Raven. His eyes cloud over as the Raven transfers his knowledge into his head.
At the Wall, Jon is worried. They don't have enough men to fight the army of the Dead and retake Winterfell. They decide to start small and shore up the support of the smaller Northern family's. Once they have them more will fall in line behind them. Sansa also sends Brienne to Riverrun to get the support of Blackfish and the Tully army.
Jon and Sansa head south to get support. Edd is now in command of the wall. Tormund is still staring at Brienne who is beyond disgusted by the prospect. She prefers her fellas more like Jaime.
The dead arrive to destroy Bran and the Raven. He's in a vision of Winterfell getting info from the Raven. Meera's scream is somehow heard in his vision. He splits his warging between the past in Winterfell and Hodor who he uses to carry his body away from the attacking dead. Man this is confusing as hell to type.
The dead swarm the cave. The Night's King shreds the Three Eyed Raven. Bran's Direwolf Summer dies trying to protect him. While Bran is in past Winterfell and Hodor's head simultaneously he accidentally wargs into young Wyllis's head. Meanwhile Hodor is holding the cave door shut on the dead using his immense strength at Meera's command.
Because Bran is now in young Wyllis's head Wyllis can hear Meera's shout of hold the door. He collapses and has a seizure shouting "hold the door." This eventually morphs into Hodor. We now realise young Wyllis had his entire life ruined for this one moment. His entire existence was to save Bran Stark. Man it's brutally upsetting.
His life's mission is complete. He manages to hold the door as Bran and Meera escape. The dead break through and rip him to shreds. The gentle giant of Winterfell is dead. Poor Hodor. Jesus christ what an ending.
Finally Bran's story got exciting. What an ending. Immensely action packed and totally heartbreaking. We learn the story of Hodor while seeing him die. Brutal. Brilliant. A lovely moment between Daenerys and Jorah too. More of that please.
Next up - Blood of My Blood
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Series 6 - 1 2 3 4
The second film. It's always a tough one to get right no matter who the director is. It's even tougher when your debut was a stunner. One deservedly praised to the sky. A best picture nominee. It's always going to be a struggle to live up to it. Jordan Peele's second film is 'Us'. It doesn't come near 'Get Out' but it's a fine attempt.
Adelaide Wilson (Lupita Nyong'o) and her husband Gabe (Winston Duke) are off to Santa Cruz with their kids for a family holiday. Adelaide is stressed about the trip but her husband can't figure out why. On a trip to the beach to meet friends their son Jason wanders away from them which freaks the parents out. He's found and a crisis is averted but later that night a strange family approaches their holiday home and they realise that the nightmare is only beginning when they notice that the intruders look fierce familiar.
America in 2019 is a strange and scary place. It's only fitting that the films coming out of it feel the same. Us is unsettling stuff. A surreal, confusing, terrifying watch that's leaden down with metaphor and meaning. It's a film that demands you pay attention to it as every line has meaning and every scene is part of a bigger puzzle that only really makes sense come the end. It's a film about privilege, those who have it and those who don't. It's about the dangers of being materialistic and trying to keep up with Jones. It's also about the disastrous cost of keeping your head in the sand. Of knowing your world is about to get fucked up but hiding behind a mask anyway. It's about now. We're all guilty of it. We know what the future has in store for us and the generations coming and we don't care. The film is one big finger pointing at us.
Yet with all it's meaning it still manages to feel like a slight disappointment. It's ridiculous. It shouldn't. It's because you just can't help comparing it to the perfection that was 'Get Out'. No no I'm being silly, ignore me. Us is a perfectly fine horror movie. It's scary as hell in some places. You'll gasp. You'll hide behind your fingers in dread when you hear the creepiest voice of the year pouring out of a mouth that doesn't belong to it. Your jaw will drop during a sudden massacre that's scored by both the Beach Boys and N.W.A (Two Californian bands, but both from very different backgrounds, the have's and the have not's, everything has meaning.) Director Jordan Peele is known primarily as a comedian but man alive he knows his horror and packs the film with knowing nods. A glimpse of the 80's horror C.H.U.D. on a VHS shelve early in the movie gives a little hint as to it's direction and we get nods to some of the greats too like Jaws, The Lost Boys and Invasion of The Body Snatchers. There's loads in here to make the geekier of us grin with glee.
But annoyingly, for all his cleverness he still falls into the trope traps so commonly seen in horrors. Character's doing stupid things like going off on their own into the darkness or facing the enemy head on with no back up. Stop it ye dopes, that never ends well. These were cliches 30 years ago in terrible slasher movies but at least this time it's character's we give a shit about in trouble. Peele is smart enough to give us leads we want to see survive. Lupita Nyong'o and Winston Duke are both superb in the lead roles. Her, troubled and terrified but fierce, him worried and stressed but still funny. Nyong'o steals the movie though, without going into too much detail, when she seems to be everywhere at once. The woman has range, there's no denying it.
For Peele's next movie I'd love to see him make a straight horror movie. To move away from his comedy safety net. He has the chops to do it and he has the imagination for it. Some of the moments of comedy here felt crowbarred in and took away from the tension to the film's detriment. They aren't needed at all. Other than that it's a very solid watch packed with ideas and depth. There's far more here to chew on than the usual horror fodder clogging up multiplex's and for that we should be grateful.
Jon Snow is heading south. He's had enough of the Wall and the Night's Watch. He's disillusioned by what he's seen and what he's had to do as Lord Commander. Most importantly his death and resurrection has given him an out. He took his vows til death. He died. He can leave.
Edd isn't happy. He doesn't want to lose his friend and he doesn't feel qualified to take over as Lord Commander. Especially after what he saw at Hardhome. The Army of the death is bearing down on them and he feels like Jon is running from that. He can't change Jon's mind though. I don't blame Jon one bit. He's literally given his all.
A horn blast signals riders approaching. Fucking hell. What now? Who could it be? It's Brienne, Pod and Sansa!!! Tormund is instantly smitten with the imposing Brienne but the big story here is the reunion of Sansa and Jon. They haven't seen each other in years. It's a truly heartening moment.
It's like they only saw each other yesterday. They both hint at the horror they've been through since they last saw each other and reminisce over older, better times. Sansa's suggestion that they fight for Winterfell against the Bolton's rattles Jon. He just wants peace but she wants to go home. She's grown very strong psychologically since he last saw her.
Melisandre has pinned her colours to Jon. She'll go where he goes. Davos is troubled and wonders what has changed her mind and finds out Stannis's defeat shocked her. She also asks about Shireen's death but Melisandre denies any part in that. Brienne interrupts and says she killed Stannis and that she knows Melisandre killed Renly.
At Runestone in the Vale, weird little Robyn Arryn is still struggling with the essential skills needed to become a man. His bizarre mammy coddled him for too long and it's showing. He's delighted when Littlefinger (ugh) shows up. Lord of Runestone, Yohn Royce wonders what became of Littlefinger's marriage to Sansa.
Littlefinger lies and says the Bolton's kidnapped her. They could have only known her location if Royce told them. (Which he didn't). He then gets Robin Arryn to threaten Royce. He can manipulate anyone. God I hate him.
After Royce departs he informs Robyn that Sansa has escaped Winterfell. Robin is pleased. She was his first cousin after all. He offers to help her anyway he can. Littlefinger orders that the Vale's troops, the Knights of the Vale shall ride out to help her. He sold her off to the Boltons and now he's going to make it look like he's rescuing her. The snakey bastard.
In Meereen Tyrion gets a diplomatic visit from the leaders of Astapor and Yunkai. Obviously the message from Varys sent out by his little birds got to them. They want Tyrion, Daenerys, her dragons and the Unsullied to leave Slaver's Bay and let them get back to the way things were.
Tyrion speaks for Daenerys and offers the slavers a deal to abolish slavery over 7 years. It looks like they'll accept. Like Littlefinger he's great with words. Former slaves of Meereen are angered by this agreement but reluctantly Grey Worm and Missandei side with Tyrion and calm them down. They warn Tyrion it could all easily backfire though.
Ser Jorah and Daario Nahaaris are tracking Daenerys and have followed the trail to Vaes Dothrak. Before they can enter they have to hide their weapons as they are forbidden in the holy city. While hiding his Jorah accidentally reveals his greyscale infection to Daario.
Daario knows what the infection can do to a person. Jorah does too and the patch on his arm tells us that it's taken hold very deeply.
They sneak into the city at night and have to kill two guards who discover them with their bare hands. Before long they find Daenerys who has begun to make friends with a young widow called Ornella. She tells them it's an impossible plan and anyways she already has a plan in mind. Something really special.
In King's Landing Margaery Tyrell is still locked up at the command of the High Sparrow for covering up her knowledge of her brother Loras's "unnatural relationships" with other men. Septa Unella, the woman who tortured Cersei is her captor now.
She's brought before the High Sparrow who preaches at her about riches and sin and then he brings her to see her brother Loras. His imprisonment has broken him. She realises the Sparrow is trying to break her too and she pleads with Loras to stay strong.
Cersei meanwhile goes to visit her son, King Tommen. She finds him being councilled by Maester Pycelle. She orders him out but he demands to stay, it's his right to council the king. He gives her a knowing smile and leaves. He's barking up the wrong tree here if he thinks she's not dangerous.
Cersei wants him to deal with the High Sparrow but he's wary of him after their meeting. The fact that Margaery Tyrell will soon be forced into a walk of Atonement is playing on his mind too. Cersei makes Tommen believe that she cares about his wife.
She next tells Olenna Tyrell of her granddaughter's upcoming punishment. Olenna is horrified and promises her troops to Cersei to take down the High Sparrow. She's got the second largest army in Westoros after the Lannister's. At her command all hell could break loose.
Cersei's plans are falling into place. She's regaining her power and people are starting to look up to her again. And she's doing it the right away. No sneaking around, only telling people what they want and don't want to hear.
Kevan Lannister is part of the small council with Olenna. When Cersei promises him he'll get back his son Lancel when the Faith Militant is destroyed he decides to back her too. At his command the Lannister army will just stand down when the Tyrell army comes for the Faith Militant.
Theon Greyjoy has arrived home to the Iron Islands to find his father has been murdered. His sister Yara is mightily pissed off that he didn't leave with her when she came to rescue him from Ramsay Bolton's clutches. He was a broken man then. He's climbing back up into himself now.
She claims he only came to get a piece of the family claim because their father is dead. It's not true. He really did come home to support her and he will any way he can. Including supporting her claim for leader of the Iron Islands. Good man Theon. He's changed a lot from the selfish boy he once was. Being castrated does that I suppose.
In Winterfell Ramsay has Osha and Rickon Stark as his prisoners. Osha catches his eye and he decides to toy with her. I fuckin hate him. So does Osha and he knows it. He asks why she helped Rickon. She claims she only did it so she could sell him one day.
Ramsay knows she's lying. She tries to cover it up by seducing him. During her seduction she reaches for his knife but he's too quick and stabs her in the neck. He knows this is how she escaped from Theon before and he's not going to fall for the same trick. A shockingly ignoble end to a cool character
At the wall Sansa is realising how tough life there is. Brienne is freaked out by Tormund's obvious lust for her. He's not one for hiding his feelings. She looks petrified and disgusted. Meanwhile a letter arrives from Ramsay for Jon Snow.
It's a taunting one. Calling him a bastard. How he holds Winterfell. How if Jon doesn't give him back Sansa he will let his soldiers rape her and make Jon watch. And how he holds their youngest sibling Rickon on his dungeon.
This letter is enough to change Jon's mind. He wants to destroy the Bolton's now but he doesn't have the numbers. Sansa points out that he is Ned Stark's true son. He can use that status to get the houses of the North not loyal to the Bolton's to join him instead. Then he'll have the numbers.
In Vaes Dothrak, Daenerys is brought before the Khal's to hear her fate. She's been in this temple before. It's where she ate a horses heart and proved herself woman enough to carry Khal Drogo's child. She lets the collected Khal's all of this but they are unimpressed.
She tells the collected Khal's she will lead them, that they lack ambition. They tell her she'll be raped and killed before they serve her. That's it. She's had enough. It's time to show her power and end these saps. She tips over the braziers holding the fires that light up the temple. The whole place erupts in flame. A dozen Khal's dying screaming.
But she does not. She emerges unharmed from the temple. A miracle witnessed by tens of thousands of awed Dothraki. They fall to their knees before her. Jorah and Daario witness it too. She's just got herself a new massive army. One willing to do anything for her.
An epic ending that looked great but we've seen it before all the way back in S1. Daenerys' story has been treading water for so long. Hopefully, this is where it will start kicking off big style. Great to see a Stark Reunion too. 6 years in the making and it was very satisfying to behold.
Next up - The Door
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Series 6 - 1 2 3
Continued from here.
Kidney stone blasting is a strange thing. The doctors who say it doesn't hurt are lying bastards. At least nurses will tell you straight out that it's an uncomfortable experience. When you're going in for a procedure and a nurse hands you paracetamol and difene beforehand you know it's not going to be fun. Then you're left to sit there and stress and worry what exactly that weird cracking noise is that's coming from down the corridor?
Well it turns out that cracking noise is the ultrasound/laser (Im not quite sure) machine that should be zapping your kidney stone. It's not a nice experience but at least it only lasts 20 minutes. 20 looooonnnnggg minutes. I'll describe it as best as i can. Have you ever been flicked with an elastic band? Well it's like that. Hard. Hitting off your back but at the same time inside your kidney. For 1200 seconds. It doesn't hurt at first but at the intensity increases and it starts to get to you. The intensity has to increase to make sure the stone is getting the full effect of the blast. No point in taking it easy like.
Then its over. You sit up and you feel surprisingly fine. You get dressed and you go back into where you were waiting and you get a cup of tae and toast. Why does hospital toast always taste so good btw? What's that all about. You finish up. The doctor comes in and gives you 30 seconds of his precious time and if you're lucky he might even deign to grace you with eye contact. He tells you when to come backand the relief is immense. Then the lovely nurse comes over and says you can leave when you pass water. Grand, no hassle, happy days, sure I need a wee anyway.
Remember this scene from The Shining? This is what awaits you after a kidney stone blasting. A terrifying sight. Truly unsettling. At once you'll experience a fraction of what women go through every month. You tell the nurse, she's says it's perfectly normal and now go home and drink a tonne of water for the next few days. You wander out of the hospital feeling a lil bit wobbly. You go home and skull a couple of pints of water. Everything's grand. That's that out of the way for a while. But then you feel the urge for a pee again. Ok....grand.....ow...wtf......OW!!! That burning, stabbing sensation?? That's the tiny bits of stone scarring you as they travel out to see the world.
But you gotta embrace the pain. It's a good sign. It means the blasting is working. The joys of modern medicine eh.
Jon Snow has been brought back from the dead but it's taken a toll on him. He looks terrified, he can't catch his breath, he doesn't know what's going on. The wounds on his chest freak him out.
Luckily Ser Davos is there to catch him before he falls. Davos asks him what can he remember. The last thing he can see was young Olly stabbing him in the heart. The look of upset and betrayal across his face is hard to take. The look of awe on Davos' face is great though.
Melisandre is amazed her spell worked. She grips his shoulders and asks him what he remembers, what he saw after he died. He has to disappoint her now. He can't remember anything. No bright lights, no nothing.
Jon's head is melted by the betrayal and his resurrection. Some straight and very direct talk from Davos shakes him out of it. He'll go on, he'll fight, he'll lead. He was brought back to do so.
He emerges to the amazement of the Night's Watch men & Wildlings who stood by him. Tormund embraces him and makes a joke about his knob. No change there. His buddy Edd is delighted to see him too. His oldest buddy left now that Sam has left the wall.
Speaking of Sam, he's on his way to the Citadel in Oldtown to become a Maester. Him and Gilly are travelling by boat. He has to make a stop first though. At his father's home to find Gilly a place to live. Women are not allowed in the citadel.
This turn of events does not please her. But she knows it's for the best. Sam would only do right by her and baby Sam. She's named her baby after him. He mightn't be the baby's blood but she sees him as the baby's father.
Bran is warging/time travelling again. Him and the Three Eyed Raven are at the base of a remote tower in Dorne. A young Ned Stark turns up with 3 other soldiers, one called Harlen Reed, father of Bran's travel companion Meera. He's looking for his sister Lyanna but the 2 men guarding the tower aren't giving anything away.
A vicious swordfight breaks out. 2 of Ned's men are destroyed straight away and one is badly wounded. The fight ends with Ned killing the remaining injured guard much to Bran's horror as he sees it as dishonourable.
A woman screams in anguish in the tower above Ned. He turns to climb the tower and Bran calls out his name. Ned turns, he can see or hear Bran but he sensed something. Can Bran's time travel affect the past??? Very interesting. Ned looks and sees nothing so runs up the tower.
The Three Eyed Raven drags Bran out of his vision. He's pissed off. He wants to go back to his father as he knows his father heard him. He's happier in his visions. He can walk. He can see his dead family. His reality is a miserable existence.
The Raven is annoyed with Bran. He wants Bran to learn how to use his gift but Bran can't see that yet. He's sick of this place.
Daenerys is sick of things too. She's being taken to Vaes Dothrak, the Dothraki holy city. It's where she must go as the widow of a Khal.
She's escorted into a temple where the next phase of her life is explained to her by other widows. She's stripped and made wear the grieving clothes of a widow. They look down on her. She looks like she wants to kill them all.
In Meereen Varys is figuring out ways of stopping the Sons Of The Harpy's. A prostitute named Vala is brought before him. She knows some of the Sons and he needs her info. A subtle threat is made towards her son which opens her up. For her info she's offered safe passage away and a bag of silver. The judas!!!
Meanwhile Tyrion, Greyworm and Missandei are having a chat. Well Tyrion is. The other two don't do smalltalk very well. He's relieved when Varys turns up with information. The Sons of the Harpy are being financed by the slave masters of Yunkai and Astapor. Greyworm wants to sort it out with violence. Tyrion points out this will leave Meereen defenceless.
Varys has another idea. He'll do what he does best. He'll call up his gang of little birds, street children that he uses to find out his information. He'll send out his little army of spies to send messages to the masters of Meereen, Yunkai and Astapor that the Son's reign is about to be ended.
In King's Landing Qyburn has a gang of little birds too and Cersei asks him to use them as spies in Dorne and the North. She wants to know who's making gains from Lannister losses.
Jaime is wondering what exactly Qyburn did to resurrect the Mountain. Me too tbh. I think he's a zombie but i'm not sure. He wants the Mountain to kill the High Sparrow but Cersei has her own plans for him. She next interrupts a small council meeting and informs them Ellaria Sand has taken Dorne but they are more pissed off about her presence there.
Maester Pycelle, and both Mace and Oleanna Tyrell don't hide their distaste for her. Her atonement has made her a fallen woman in their eyes and they all walk out. You can tell by Cersei's face she's going to relish her revenge on all of them.
King Tommen marches on the High Sparrow with his King's guard. He wants his mother to be left alone and his wife Margaery to be freed from captivity. The Sparrow isn't one bit cowed by him. It's good to see Tommen taking charge though. He's growing up.
Arya's back in the House of Black and White. She's still training with the waif and doing better. She's still taking a lot of wallops though. But finally she's able to defend herself as she reels off her list of names she wants to destroy.
Her list is getting shorter and shorter as the names on it are killed off one by one before she can get to them. The Waif asks why The Hound's name isn't on it. Arya can't answer but she says she left him to die. She's confused about how she feels about him. He was a prick but he looked after her after her mother and brother died.
Jaqen Hagar asks her one last time who she is. She's no-one. Her training is complete. She's given up her old identity. As a reward for her work she gets her eyesight back. Yay. Deadly.
In Winterfell Ramsay Bolton is creating allegiances with other Northern family's to strengthen his position as Warden of the North now that his father is dead. His latest new friend is Smalljon Umber of the Umber household.
He's a hard Northener but he's a scumbag. Him and Ramsay will get on great together. To cement their new relationship he gives Ramsay a gift. 2 people in hoods. Who could they be?
Why it's Rickon Stark and Osha. Last seen years ago. I'd forgotten Rickon existed. I've a feeling the other Stark's have as well. Now Ramsay has a very valuable prisoner. One he can use if Jon Snow ever marches on Winterfell to take it back.
Back at the wall it's time for justice. The four main mutineers have been captured. Little Olly, Ser Alliser Thorne and two others. Jon has to deal with them. He has to show the others how treachery is dealt with by the men of the Night's watch. He has to execute them all himself.
The four are placed in nooses. They're to be hung. Jon listens to their final words. Ser Alliser's are full of invective bile. He's an angry bastard right to the end. Fair enough. Olly says nothing but looks at Jon with hate. This is killing him.
He swings his sword and cuts the rope holding them up. They fall choking and die in agony as the others look on. Jon's had enough. He hands his cloak to Edd and passes over the name of Lord Commander to him too. He's done.
A mighty episode that took a seriously dark turn near the end. Jon Snow is not a man to be reckoned with. The boy is gone. The man is about to leave Castle Black to find his family again. Great to see Arya get her eyes back too. The storyline was dragging a bit too much. The Bran storyline is finally getting intriguing too. What's going on with these looks into the past? And the fact that he can affect past events too is an interesting turn of events.
Next up - Book Of The Stranger
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Series 6 - 1 2
Netflix's latest original film makes it's intentions known approximately 2 minutes into it's running time. A man pleasures a woman in the middle of a crowded party and she then proceeds to spray her orgasm across the room. It's all simulated of course but it's something I never thought we'd see in a mainstream movie. Unfortunately this moment of taboo busting is as crazy as the film gets. For a story filled literally with sex, drugs and rock n'roll it's all.......well it's kind of boring.
Mötley Crüe formed in 1981 when a bass player called Nikki Sixx (Douglas Booth) met a drummer named Tommy Lee (Machine Gun Kelly). They were kindred spirits and a rapid bond formed. The addition of an oddball guitarist called Mick Mars (Iweon Rheon) and a singer/walking erection called Vince Neil (Daniel Webber) turned them into a glam rock sensation that soon became the talk of Los Angeles. But when you add a few combustible egos to a cocktail of groupies, heroin and Jack Daniels........well.......shit happens.
This should have been a very entertaining watch. But somehow it ended up as a dull and episodic collection of hedonistic scenes that don't gel together at all. It tries to shock but blows it's load (as it were) in the first 120 seconds meaning everything else we see feels tame and safe in comparison. It's adapted from the 2001 autobiography of the same name. Now that was a hair raising read. The film version knocks off the book's sharper edges and flat out removes a lot of it's darker moments but it also trims away the backstory of everyone apart from Nikki Sixx. Because of this we get very little insight into why the band members act the way they do and so they come off as crude, spoiled, petulant, misogynistic assholes who you couldn't care less about. The character of Mick Mars, arguably the most talented member of all, barely exists. He's there to comment on the behaviour of the others and that's it.
A lot of it's problems feel like they're down to over judicious use of the scissors during editing. Mick Mars for example or Vince Neil's very well documented run in with the law. His life changing (for others) Hanoi Rocks involvement would be a defining time in any other band biography but here it gets little more than a perfunctory glance. Another moment involving the infamously documented Tommy Lee temper gets the same treatment and it will leave you with a bad taste in your mouth for the rest of the film. It's the kind of thing in a post #metoo era that should have been pored over a bit more and the fact that it wasn't makes for an odd story decision. The film is called The Dirt for a reason. It's supposed to be about the shittier side of the band, it's supposed to be about self criticism. Overlooking it does no one any favours.
It's not all bad. Some of it works. The downtime during the tour with Ozzy Osbourne is recreated with queasily relish. You'll never look at a line of ants the same way again. The concert scenes too are well done, especially the debut of one of their most famous hits "Shout At The Devil". Director Jeff Tremaine (of Jackass fame) gets the buzz across, both in terms of how the audience and the band are thriving on the experience. They didn't skimp of the theatrics and neither does the movie. Of the main cast Webber and Kelly as Vince Neil and Tommy Lee are the stand outs. Kelly's take on Lee is a carbon copy replica and Webber somehow manages to imbue Neil's character with the little bit of heart and sympathy the film can muster. Booth as Sixx struggles with a highly unlikeable character and tries his best while Rheon as Mick Mars barely even registers.
Eh....It's not the worst film I've seen this week. That's all there is to say really. There's some shock value here but there's no bit of substance at all. It's a pity. It takes an 18 certificate look at Mötley Crüe and ends up being duller than Bohemian Rhapsody, a 12 cert look at Queen that had all it's more interesting moments polished out.
The Dressmaker Sat 23/3 Film4 @ 21.00
A very different kind of revenge thriller. The strange, upsetting, unique, surreal and funny tale of a woman returning to the small Australian town that spurned her and getting her own back. Kate Winslet is superb in the title role and pulls off an Oz accent that will make you say strewth!. Judy Davis as her mam is fantastic too and Liam Hemsworth and Hugo Weaving are good in support.
Silence Sat 23/3 TG4 @ 22.45
Eoghan is returning to Ireland. It's been years since he was home. He's there for an unusual job. To record the sounds of a landscape free from man made noise. One of the more unusual films you'll ever see. It's tough to get into at first but soon enough you'll be glued to the screen by it's beautiful blend of sound & vision. Director Pat Collins has made something very special here.
The Cabin In The Woods Sun 24/3 CH4 @ 00.15
5 friends go to stay in a.... well... a cabin in the woods. Demonic presences stalk and attack them. But the underlying reason for the attacks is the last thing you'd expect. This is a joy to watch. Hilarious, knowing, gooey as hell and packed full of injokes for fans of the genre. Even if you ain't a horror fan there's loads here for you. Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Bradley Cooper and Richard Jenkins all have a whale of a time.
Inside I'm Dancing Mon 25/3 TG4 @ 21.30
Rory has muscular dystrophy. Michael has cerebral palsy. They become best friends in the residential care home they share and push each other to explore the world outside. This film is a perfect example of Irish cinema's ability to make you laugh while punching you in the stomach at the same time. A lovely watch led by two excellent performances by James McAvoy & Steven Robertson.
Spider Mon 25/3 TCM @ 23.00
Dennis is a troubled man living in a halfway house after his release from a psychiatric hospital. His grip on reality is getting more and more tenuous as each day passes. This is a tough watch but stellar work from Ralph Fiennes and David Cronenberg turn what could be exploitative and cliched into a film that will grip you while quietly devastating you too. Definitely not for everyone.
Ghost Dog : The Way Of The Samurai Tue 26/3 Film4 @ 23.40
A brilliant oddity of a film. Ghost Dog is a mafia hitman who bases his code of ethics on ancient samurai ways. When a hit goes wrong he must defend himself against his former employers. A unique thriller that just radiates cool. Forrest Whitaker is a superb as Ghost Dog, the cast is a who's who of faces you'll recognise from gangster cinema and the soundtrack is just A1
You Were Never Really Here Thur 28/3 Film4 @ 21.00
Joe is a man who uses a hammer to mete out justice to the scummier side of New York City. A mission to save a young girl finds him tangled up in all manner of trouble. Lynne Ramsay's 2018 thriller is a master class in tension, implied horror and sound design. It's the kind of movie you watch with your jaw dropped and afterwards you'll feel like you've been kicked in the head. In a positive way of course.
Road Games Thur 28/3 The Horror Channel @ 22.50
Pamela is hitchhiking across Oz. Pat is a lorry driver who picks her up. Then Pamela disappears and Pat finds himself playing cat & mouse with a very dangerous presence. Richard Franklin's thriller is a forgotten classic, one that plays out like an 80's version of a Hitchcock movie. Very unpredictable and very entertaining. Stacy Keach and Jamie Lee Curtis both do good work.
Phone Booth Fri 29/3 Syfy @ 21.00
Stuart makes the mistake of answering a phone call one day and all of a sudden his life is turned upside down. You'd imagine a film set almost entirely in a phone booth would be boring but it's actually a pretty gripping watch thanks to a committed performance from Colin Farrell who plays a high powered New York City asshole to a tee. Kiefer Sutherland, Rahda Mitchell and Forest Whitaker back him up royally.
Standby Fri 29/3 RTE2 @ 22.
Alice is stuck in Dublin airport waiting on a standby flight home. She bumps in Alan who's working there and hating it. They had a fling years before and the old spark is still there. At no point will you not know how this film is going to end but there's a lot of fun and belly laughs on the journey. Brian Gleeson is a fine lead and Jessica Pare is an enchanting foil to his misery.
